The Stone

It was so elegantly designed,

With so much lovingly thought,

And the timing was perfect,

When it was bought.

It spoke volumes

With its color so clear,

And was a constant reminder

Of the love that felt so near.

It reminded me always,

Of all of the years and all the tears,

Things that had been shared.

Moments that had been highs

              and moments that been lows,

And all the sacrifices    

                          and the  loving care.

Seeing it let me know,

The seed that I sow,

Would continue to grow.

Silly I suppose,

Looking back at that time,

I had assumed it would last forever,

That bond that feels it should be mine.

But nothing in life

                Is a given

Nothing should be taken for granted,

           Not even the shine of stone,

Not even love that has grown.

One day you could awaken

Deep out of a slumber,

And find your days are numbered.

Looking down at your ring,

Your heart loses a string.

     Gone is the stone,

           A piece of your heart is cracked 

                       never to be replaced 

                                 just like the ring. 

Love is as Bright as the North Star

One of the most precious questions I hear these days when I spend time with my granddaughter are the ones she asks me about my son, her daddy.  They are filled with so much wonder over the fact her grandma is the mommy of her daddy and her daddy was once a little boy! She has just a hard time picturing the big strong protector over her and her momma and her little brothers was once a little guy himself in need of protection.

The funny questions that arise over his baby years just make her giggle to no end! What did he eat, vegetables, French fries, etc.  I hope God forgives me when I get there because I sometimes tell little white lies hoping some of the good habits I say he had over some things he wouldn’t touch will rub off on her. I did do what psychologists say you perhaps shouldn’t do, try to make him eat them. Forcing a child to eat something by making them sit there at the table is a fruitless effort indeed. I found I suffered not him. He found ways to amuse himself! I counted down the minutes, not him, so gave that idea up quickly!

She always wants to know how her daddy did in school Fortunately for me, and him, he was excellent.  He had to work hard at it, at times, but other times, it

came so easily.  I feel badly sometimes over these questions. Though she is quite good in school, she has a tendency to put herself down telling me it is hard for her and she isn't very good. I know from her mother this is not quite true. 

When she tells me she wishes she was as smart as her daddy and would not has as much trouble in school as he did, it is like a punch in the heart to me. I just encourage her and naturally, run to my cell, texting her dad!  See, even grandmas embrace technology.  I still find myself wanting to protect every aching heart-ache she has, nomatter how small.  I know full well this is impossible to do, perhaps that is why older folks are allowed to bear children anymore! She is like her dad in that she is, by nature, a perfectionist, a bright student but good is never quite good enough for her!

Her mother is called her momma, as she has been born and raised in the south,  a true southern belle. Momma has already forewarned me, any question on behavior issues, be cautious on responses! LOL! These are not to be thrown back in their faces, e.g. daddy wasn’t always good or daddy didn't listen to his mommy and clean up his room!  However, daddy was usually good except possibly that last example. But honestly, what boy is a clean freak? My granddaughter is such a silly girl, she doesn’t believe me on the daddy did no wrong anyways!  She says her daddy is way too funny to have always been good. No way!  She says she thinks he had to have made me mad. Heck, he makes her mad and momma!  

She is very much into princesses and Disney that she wants to know all about f her parents love story.  Did her parents kiss as kissing, at her age, is a big deal!  What did I think when he met his princess, her momma?  Did he think she was beautiful?  She watches my face very closely as this is about her mother, her role model.  I speak very slowly because I think this is so critical to her development even though it seems like childish questions.  It is not really, underneath she is formulating her ideas of marriage, family and the love between her parents. I want  her to hear from me nothing but the same messages she hears at home, love is unconditional in her family.  She also needs to know, in grandma's opinion,  her momma took her time picking a man that was going to treat her well and take good care of her. And that her daddy fell in love with her momma for lots of reasons not just because she was beautiful. 

I think it is adorable that she understands how much I love her daddy and cares about who he fell in love with, even at her age. She asked if he asked me before he married her. I told her he was no longer a boy but a man and did not need to ask a mommy to make decisions. He followed his heart just like her momma did when she said yes.  Her face lights up!  It is not like a Disney story I have told her because family's argue, kids get in trouble and learn and parents disagree and then work out their problems. I know she sees households are work.  Her house has lots of activities going on, dealing with autism, three kids on different school schedules, a daddy running two dental practices and a momma trying to put all their lives in order!  

I find, for an 8 year old, her questions very deep and thought-provoking on her part.  It also shows her putting the pieces together of life and her future.

 All these lessons are learned in the family but getting a reaffirmation in your extended family is so reassuring to a child.  We all benefit from support systems. She is blessed to have parents that care about developing that. 

Parents sometimes can get so caught up in life that all the sudden kids can be around the wrong kind of people until red flags go off and  some damage is done. I am so blessed my grandchildren are in a home where all their questions and lives are monitored carefully.  They are put in places where their questions are asked of the right kinds of people.   If I am not sure how to answer,  I pass on the question and turn it back to her parents, as everyone should! To me, this is not passing the buck, this is allowing the parents to do what they are given the chance to do, and they do it so well with her!

She wonders and asks me a lot how much I miss her when she is not with me and with my son.  This is a cute endearing habit she has picked up for late.  She slips into asking questions about her daddy calling him 'your son" smiling and somehow still finding it funny! I tell her to me it is and was part of my life.  

  I did the things her momma does for her and her brothers, held him when he was sad, took him to school, cared for him when he was sick,put him to bed each night telling him I loved him.  I remind her love is not about being with someone, it is about caring about someone when you are with them and not with them. God loves us always and we don’t even see Him but He always loves us. Not being near a Grandma, cousin, aunt or uncle doesn’t mean that they aren’t loving and missing you. She seems to get a real sense of this I think from attending church and again, discussion with her parents from relatives outside of town.  

I would have to say one of my favorite questions of all is asking me if it was hard to "give up your son to me and to mommy?"  She gets her serious look like she feels badly for me. Actually this time of year, it drives home the point of Christmas. Do we ever truly  understand the pain God felt seeing his son Jesus endure the agony  everyone reject Him for doing nothing but bringing goodwill to men? Trying to bring eternal salvation is astounding and then, to in response His son was met  with screams of crucify Him.  This is unimaginable to moms everywhere.  How appropriate that on Good Friday most churches have us, kneel in forgiveness when re-enacting that scene for that horrendous sin. And here we are in December, far before that wicked day,  getting ready to celebrate the birthday of the most sacred of all births. Jesus, son of God. 

And then, back to my granddaughter’s question, I raised my son to move forward and bring a token, in comparison to Jesus, to new family he would establish and

lead. He was ordained, in my eyes, to be the head of a new household, a new family, create a new legacy.  And he has, in my mind, better than the old one I tried to create. 

I try hard to help a little girl understand my joy, not pain.  Trying to capture this in the context of an eight year old that I have not lost something but done what God expected me to do. I look at my flaws and realize there are things I could have done better, forgiveness I have asked for those defects of character of both God and my children and blessings I bestowed on them as well. But in my granddaughter's eyes, I do no wrong. Perhaps that is part of the joy of grand-parenting.  

My happiness over my son’s success and her happiness and pride in her daddy and family make the mission complete. I think she somehow understands this in a small way. I know, one day, she will completely see the circle of life. She certainly understands that without her daddy moving on, falling in love with her mommy and having her, there would be no us, no grandma and granddaughter to bond together.  

And so at Christmas, as families gather around the tree, may little girls everywhere remember that the love they share for those around  their tree, is one of the most beautiful lights in the universe.  Just as Jesus brought people together on His time on earth to spread God’s love and light, they are meant to do the same with their time on earth with their families.  May you all shine the light of Christmas in your homes and beyond like the star of my granddaughter and how her daddy still shines bright all these years to me!    

Post Breast Cancer Folks Like Me

Funny little thing about breast cancer so many don’t want to talk

about, the post-treatment, as in life after cancer. It is, for so many, never quite the same. Some women luck out and it is. Stars and happy shouts to all of you!  But for those of us not too lucky, reality bites.  I write this for those, those that need the support that those that have never walked down the path don’t quite understand.

Long after treatment, no one is asking how you are doing. It is assumed, you beat it, and therefore, you are now doing fine, back to you. Oh, you may have a different outlook on life, maybe live more healthy, and maybe have new boobs or no boobs at all but life is relatively normal. 

Feeling blessed is a given many days, living on the other side of cancer, being a survivor is a nice title. It has an awesome ring to it. However, attached to it, for many women, are long-term side effects that are just not issues women knew they signed up for or ‘expected’ after treatment.  Once it was out of your system, some of us ran for cover.  This was me, heading for the circle of friends that never had cancer to get as far away from the disease as possible. Unfortunately, it is as if the long-term side effects hunted us out of hiding, wrecking a new kind of havoc on our lives. 

Good-bye life without doctor appointments and health worries, and hello feeling like a hypochondriac and kids and friends that look at you like you are a freak of nature.  The multitude of issues varies but support groups show a vast similarity among women survivors.  There is a mixed benefit of sharing in these groups. It aids in understanding and support. And then, on the flipside, it is depressing to hear others suffering more than you. However, I always recommend keeping a few survivors in your circle of support, in your close knit of friends. Without them, you are left with an outside world that does not totally understand life post cancer.

The medical issues that creep up do not always occur immediately afterward, some come in time, and some, such as lymphedema can occur at virtually anytime. There are far too many and I don’t even know them all. Just to list a few though for those that are wondering what could possibly occur with someone medically after cancer treatment: estrogen-related issues due to sudden onset of menopause, bone density issues, neuropathy, chemo brain which can also cause issues with multi-tasking, immune deficiency issues. In my case and a few friends I have since met, we experience extreme chronic migraines. I never had this diagnosis or issue pre-cancer. Make no mistake, we all feel blessed to be here, even on a bitchy day.

Recently I was with a few survivors. One in the group who has been dealing with Stage 4 for many years made an interesting statement. She said she felt sorry for her significant other.  Too much of the care-taking falls on one person, doctor appointments, dealing with her mood swings, etc. making her feel the relationship was very one-sided. She told us her mate would be better off without her.  We all can relate, life isn’t fair and the relationships we have from cancer aren’t either. None of us signed up for cancer or the side effects afterwards. When you are a survivor with continual health issues, just like any chronic illness, it is a drain on a relationship and it takes take a toll.  It is hard, at times, as a survivor, not to feel resentful of a disease that has stolen more than just breast tissue, more than just the months or years of treatment but has altered your life, lifestyle, etc. significantly. For some of us, financially we are never the same. Medical insurance does not cover everything. The same thing is true of the post-cancer issues and many of us find ourselves in a position where we have enough issues we can no longer work.

Emotionally, going through facing death can be one of the biggest wake-up calls many of us face. It will force some women to take a good hard look at their life and initiate changes, first with themselves and then with everyone around them.  Make no mistake, not everyone is going to like these changes but they must be made. Living healthy is important, not just physically but emotionally. Health begins in the head and then settles in the body.   If people walk away from you because you are trying to get it right by God, you must trust your faith in the person that saved you ultimately and let go of the distrust to move forward.

If you are reading this and are one of those survivors frustrated because family or friends are not getting it, your health and emotional dilemmas, post-cancer, know you are not alone. Also, if you have tried to get folks to understand, it may be a fruitless effort. Some of us have cried, wrote letters, and tried everything under the sun to no avail.  

The harder you try the more loony you look!  Wasted energy is energy that could be spent working towards staying healthy, being proactive in warding off disease, one less doctor appointment and building a network of friends and family that are open to understanding the new you, post cancer. What you need in your life is acceptance of who you are now, compromise in your relationships and not settling for unhealthy manners of living, be it physically or emotionally. 

I believe a network of cancer friends is important. I also believe it is important to have a mix of friends that are not. I am blessed to have some dear friends that are not cancer survivors and really do seem to understand my health issues and changes I have gone through emotionally and 100% accept me and support me. If you don’t have that in your relationship, as I use to tell my daughter, dump them. Cancer can return its ugly head at any time and stress increases the odds. Unhealthy relationships have no place in your life anymore. They simply increase the number of doctor appointments on your calendar. 

Please know you are blessed to have survived breast cancer or to be here, still fighting.  Those of us, in that crowd, support you for all the changes you have made and all the continued issues you are dealing with. We have compassion for your sad days, joy over the happy ones and above all, celebrate your life! 

Norman Rockwell Doesn't Exist for Many

Norman Rockwell pictures always seem to depict the perfect Christmas.  I wonder how many families in America actually have a nuclear family, children living with their biological parents. With a divorce rate of 50% or more, half of the homes do not.  That means, Christmas trees are surrounded with children with one parent and a step-parent or a single parent sharing both duties.

It is hard to see and hear about huge families all gathered sharing memories year after year and not have those traditions within your own family.  But having

others take the time to include those less fortunate in your Christmas is really

what the season is all about. The three wise men traveled quite far to visit a newborn baby just to present him with presents.  Take the time to invite someone who might not have a family to spend the holidays with this season to your home, to your family celebration.

When I look back at the memories I have had with my children, pre-divorce, it was a great deal easier to celebrate. Not having to split children between two families on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was less stressful.  For the children, having both parents present I am certain Christmas morning was more exciting than having one parent there.  

Luckily my ex coordinated gift-buying with me so we did not double up on gifts.  It still was a strain and meant, many holidays it was anything but ‘normal’ after the first several years.  There were step-parents to deal with, who never feel quite the same about the kids, more family get-togethers to go to which is not always fun when kids turn into teens. 

As my children turned to adults and had children, the clock seemed to turn back. I saw them return to babes again, sitting back and seeing reminders right before my eyes.  Grandchildren full of wonder at Christmas lights, ripping open presents when they were large enough to understand what to do with a gift, and fearing Santa but wanted to give him their wish list! 

But, much as I and many want that Norman Rockwell Christmas, your children have their lives too and sometimes you can’t be a part of it. And so, as it goes,

grab the holidays you get with them, and soak up those memories.  None of those moments will last forever. And reality is too many of us are really not a part of a Norman Rockwell picture family. Jesus wasn’t either and He is the origin of Christmas, the real celebration.

Friends are chosen family too.  Find your circle of love to

celebrate Christmas with and reminisce about past holiday celebrations.  Take what God has given you, embrace it and make the most of all you have.  Jesus was not one that lived His life wishing for more though he was quite poor. He lived with faith, showing all of us it is possible to live with few riches and yet feel blessed, and rich beyond measure if we live in the light of God’s goodness.   Video of some of my Christmas moments

Mamma Didn’t Tell Ya – Bless Her Soul

You need to take time to thank your mammas!  She never told you some of the pitfalls of aging and halleluiah! If you had known you would have ran for cover! If you don’t know, SPOILER FOLLOWS, read no more.

Your mirror becomes your enemy. Yes, done are the days when you wish it could talk. No, ladies this ain’t The Wonderful World of Disney where she is going to tell you things that just ain’t so. Have you heard of the Mirror Test?  Don’t try it if you aren’t ready to visualize the truth. Take a handheld mirror, turn your head upside down and look at yourself in this position. Look at all dem (or should I say damn) wrinkles! Thank you dear Eileen Fonde for sharing this tip! Reality check.

Oh, and those boobies you thought would never drag, if you were fortunate enough to be graced with them. The age old Pencil Test is true, it is done by many plastic surgeons, if your breast tissue can hold it, you are droopy sister.  Time for a lift, to the tune of a lot more than you want to spend, lots of retirement money, cruises, you name it. And, it won’t last forever, so give it up. Buy a wireless bra to lift them babies up or just accept it. Life goes on and you just lost your portable shelf.

Don’t pretend you don’t know what I am talking about when I say menopause can be women’s worse enemy! Oh yeah, no

more periods but that doesn’t mean hair isn’t the end of the sentence for you! You may luck out and see a sharp decline in shaving hair on your legs but look-out, it is starting to pop out in places you never heard women get it! Yep, all the sudden you feel in competition with your male counterpart as you sneak in the bathroom to get rid of much unwanted facial hair. Heck, some of you are buying portable thin shavers and literally having to shave your face. The good news, if you want to look on the bright side, is you are not alone. Millions of women are at the mirror doing the same darn thing! Thanks Mom, sincerely for not mentioning this tidbit.

Oh, let’s not leave out the negative connotations women get verses men with weight gain. As men get middle-age belly fat, they are assumed to be “party animals” having beer bellies. Women are told they have “muffin tops.” Oh yeah, easy on the bakery goods, you “sweet tooth freaks”, can’t say no to nothing!  And by the way, men are said to be couch potatoes contributing to excessive weight gain. Older women, by nature, refuse to move the coffee table, and thereby are soap opera queens, or the type addicted to Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil, which ratings show, many do not even watch.

It is hard to talk about this subject directly and honestly without sounding crude so if easily offended stop reading now!  Butt cracks are okay on young people, women in particular in tip top shape have taunt behinds. Ladies aging do not.  And let’s face it, there is usually enough room in there for Moby Dick for many women.  And the way jeans are designed these days, at any age, bending over lets it all hang out.  Who designs jeans anyways? Can there be any anywhere they are not called lo-rise or mid-rise?  How about a pair that doesn’t fall down when you move?  Most women are not enjoying the ritual of being compared to “plumbers” by their husbands.

Sex has its advantages at this age. With experience comes the ability to become better negotiators.   It can easily become a Get Out for Shopping Excursion Card Free! Men have less energy to fight women and women have more time to browse in stores and get an added Senior Citizen Discount. However, shopping is an experience.  Clothing styles seem to often want to quickly jump the aging population into the style less class and jump the prices up for some reason though most are living on limited stable incomes.  Hello, did you know that seniors are living in poverty level in many instances?

While young women go to manicures and pedicure

appointments, it is no secret; you will also have appointments and getting out. However, your calendar will be habitually filled with doctor appointments.  Hence, you will be also be touched physically with care, if you are lucky enough to find a good healthcare provider that provides it. 

But the good news is this, there is plenty to

enjoy about aging ladies!  It is the most liberating time of your life. All of above, you will take with a grain of pain and a huge sense of humor. You will laugh over calamities as never before. You will cry and through past experiences, know troubles will pass and the sun will come out tomorrow.  Outer beauty perhaps may have passed you by but you will have gained the wisdom to know it doesn’t matter in the end.  True beauty comes from inside your soul, from God and your spirit.  That beauty will never diminish unless your light of faith goes out. So ladies let it shine, let it shine, let it shine! God bless you till your God, your belief system, calls you home! 

Hip-Hopping Around the Christmas Tree

Coming up with original gift ideas for Christmas is hard. Everyone wants to come up with that elusive gift idea that is something the receiver will remember the entire year and continually be thankful for and excited about.  The best kind of gift that fits this description is the gift that surpasses the season, one that continues to delight well after Christmas and into the New Year.  It has to be something that brings dance into the eyes of the receiver from the giver. What does this? Simply said, the gift of dance!   

Giving a gift of dance classes is so wonderful for a falalalala of reasons.

 Dance is great therapy for improving the mind-body connection. It requires synchronized movement but is done in interaction, fun environment. It allows self-expression as, in dance, not everyone does every movement in exactly the same way which enhances one’s creativity actually encouraging it. A great instructor will push each dancer to their limit and try to stimulate growth and new ways of movement with their bodies.   This process builds confidence and dexterity.

There are many health benefits to dance. Dancing requires good posture as all dance originates from a pose, a starting position that is uniform, set posture stance. As the body moves, it requires muscle movement, flexibility and increases in range of motion, mobility and muscular strength.  Dancing can further reduce weight if combined with sensible eating habits.  Higher output tends to decrease appetite. 

Movement that requires the brain to focus energy externally on something outside of the psychic/brain is a healthy mental exercise. This is especially true for anyone under stress, dealing with depression, or anxiety.  Taking personal energy and learning to focus it into body energy and movement can net beautiful flows of dance on the dance floor.  Re-directing negative flows of energy into positive motion is one of the best therapies there are.  Less talk and more motion, dance can be healing! Give the gift of dance to an adult or a child or teen to overcome an area they can master on their own.

Watching a child or an adult go through the rigors of a dance class and the end result, the benefits they get from participating is beautiful. The excitement, the goal setting and accomplishment, the taking ownership of the dance, the confidence-building, bonding with other dancers, and physique change all adds to self-esteem and an improved person.  It is amazing to be a part of the process but just as amazing to sit back and watch it happen.

Justin Jenkins/Southern Movement

This past fall I felt privileged to get to know Justin Jenkins.  He worked with me on an exciting venture for the American Cancer Society, donating his time. He is the Hip-Hop Instructor at the Dance Studio my little granddaughter dances for.  He helped put together a Dance Flash Mob, held down at Bridgestone Arena with several of the Titans cheerleaders in as well. Through this experience, I came to learn about this man.

What I know is this. Justin was raised in Memphis, TN. He is a humble man, not big on promoting himself or ranting about how great he is. But, his dancing is

incredible, his patience beyond most I have seen and his love of dance, well, a beautiful thing.  His love of seeing his students succeed is astonishing for a man, he interacts with each student like they are each his own personal protégé.  He was on the Dance Crew show and toured the country with Southern Movement, an outstanding Hip-Hop dance group for several years. 

 Seeing Justin dance is an experience is all I can say. But these days, he seems to have hung up his dance shoes for a passion towards helping others find the joy in hip-hop he found, the freedom of expression of this unique dance form.  His style is unmistakable and he seems to have this knack for helping others discover theirs.  Whether he is working with young children, teens or his adult classes, he makes that connection as an instructor that puts people at ease so they can learn to bring out their own magic dancing feet.

Justin Jenkins w/fiance Taylor Corlew

With the holidays upon us, when thinking of gift giving, don’t strain your brain too hard if you are at a loss at what to get. This is not a one size fits all but for some folks out there, some teen age girls and guys, some children, male and female, dance classes for the New Year learning Hip Hop may be an awesome idea!  Just wait and see their reaction when they start working with Justin, everyone loves this guy. 

For adults, okay, the men in your life, if they think they can ‘bring it on down to the dance floor’ make them prove it!  Buy them some classes and let them show you their stuff!  And on the flip side, what a fun way for women to get in shape, and get their grove on!  Pass the blog on, the idea or however you see fit. 

You never too young or too old to dance.  All it takes is a mind, imagination and a body that doesn’t want to stand still when you hear music playing.  If you are the type that “The DJ has you falling in love again” every time a great song comes on, give someone a gift they never forget!

Hip-Hop Instructor:  Justin Jenkins

Diamond Academy of Dance
639 S. Mt. Juliet Rd.Mt. Juliet, TN  37122

615-587-7903

Special thank you to both Justin Jenkins & Kemmian Beard of Bearded Productions #KemoKoreo for this work with this year's American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Dance Flash Mob! Chorgeography/Production/Filming/Dancer Selection Process 
This year's Strides was the city's most successful to date.  

Silly Threats

Just the other night, I attended a party for my granddaughter. As I sat back and watched her play, engaging all the guests, younger and older classmates, she was full of joy.  For her, it was not about just her upcoming birthday or the gifts; it was about the fun of having everyone there, spending time with kids and the fun activities planned with care.

Some of her dance team also attended. They twirled around in circles, all laughing, giggling and holding hands as only little girls can do without anyone thinking it is weird. Young enough to not be so harshly judged is a wonderful thing about youth.  Her face was lit up, full of hope and promise for the night and for the future. 

As I sat there, next to my son, we were both silently watching her engaged with

everyone. She was  just laughing and kind of admiring her birthday decorations and all the joy around her. I couldn’t help but comment to him what admiration he must feel for how she is growing into such a happy young confident little girl, looking some days like a young lady. 

During those few moments, we shared some of our fondest thoughts of her there, intimately.  It is as if she felt our loving eyes on her, as we chatted. Before too long, as if on cue, she broke that chatter up,  as  she skipped over to where we sat,  pouncing in her dad’s lap and arms for a barrel hug and a big kiss on the cheek and then ran off. Onward she ran to grab some more life moments, as I watched her, the similarity of her dad seemed to melt away, like it was yesterday, or today, as her dad still does that, minus the skip!  

Being positive is not always easy for parents.  When things are rough around the edges, especially on a harrowing day, parents let their guard down and their worst behavior comes out, just like with their kids. Too often things are said that are more harmful than good.  One of those comments are telling children that they hope they have a child just like they are when they are acting up at home, getting in trouble at school or not paying attention. This is said as if paybacks are a good thing, a way of furthering the punishment on your child.  In reality, this is not what any of us truly wants.

This came recently when I read of a parent that had said these words to her daughter when her child had been a teen.  The mom was dismayed when her daughter got exactly that with her own daughter years later.  She found herself, as a grandmother, on the end of a phone call, much like the ones she had made to close friends, with similar issues she had muddled through with difficulty During the call, grandma’s words played back in her mind, her threatening her daughter, shouting “I pray you get a daughter one day just like you and have to deal with things like this!” She felt a tremendous sense of guilt, wondering if, in the back of her mind, she had something destined this to happen or been responsible for it.    How she wished she could take it back and how sad it was that this was replaying.

I too am guilty of having said this a time or two but have lucked out that neither of my children have had problem children.   There are far more effective ways and things to say when behavior is unacceptable.  We are, too often, habits of our own upbringing repeating what was said to us, not bringing a chain but that doesn’t always make it right. 

This line had virtually no effect on getting my children in line.    Ironic, I spent more time telling my children how they could accomplish anything that wanted. Hence, they did and both have done extremely well. So what kind of threat is this anyways? And for the child that is troublesome it is far better to implement strategies that reinforce boundaries and find outside intervention if needed if a parent is unable to keep a child under control.  Some children simply do not want to be controlled at all.

Becoming grandparents changes your perspective even more.  Watching adult

children having babies of their own and seeing little ones develop and grow is eye-opening. The last thing on earth grandparents want is for their adult children to learn things in the parenting realm the hard way.  Thus, we want them to have easy children to raise, kids with no problems, no issues, no health concerns, all fingers and toes.  Parents want their children to enjoy the child-rearing years, even if they have a strong-willed child or one with some health or mental issues, to get through it without too many struggles. 

In the same vein, sitting back and hearing stories grandchildren excelling in school, moving new hurdles, and mastering accomplishments is delightful.  The furthest desire any grandparent has is wanting children in their bloodlines to fail, to be trouble-makers and not thrive. The opportunity to see improvements in future generations shows continued improvement in parenting skill sets, learned lessons put to work and drawing from the good. Anything but that is not as rewarding to a parent.

I have learned, as many of my friends have, that the last person who wants to take your advice is quite often your children and the spouse of your children. In children and in particular, adult children’s eyes, you know nothing and they are amazed they came out okay, inspite of the fact you raised them.

We discuss this as friends and couples as seldom do they truly know, behind the scenes the sacrifices you went through, all the teacher conferences, the financial woes, sleepless nights, etc so that they could have the best life you could provide. The measuring stick used to evaluate you as a parent is harsh often times, not nearly as soft as the one we use to look at them as parents of grandchildren. However, adult children will listen to other grandparents so consider this advice to those of you that read this! I would suggest the line you have probably heard wishing your children have children like them when they are acting up, take it out of your vocabulary. Or if you do use it, use it with a positive connotation.  For if indeed you recognize your child is a blessing, wish them a blessing also in their future!  For that blessing would be yours as well! Pray that you could be so lucky to be twice blessed! Teach Your Children Right 1st Time

Children in a Safe House, Their World Should be One

When I was a kid things were just as bad is a line I use to hear often. Then when I was a parent, I am certain I said it myself. Well, times they are a changing, as I heard on old reruns many times growing up. In this day and age, it is true. I am not 100% sure history completely repeats itself.  We did not initially inhabit this country we live in now called the United States so we should not take our freedom and civil rights liberties for granted.

Children these days face many challenges none of us have ever had to deal with. The reality of violence in schools is more real than ever. We may have had our share of bullying.  We may have been talked about at a party, or over the phone.  This day, due to the advent of the internet, being picked on and ridiculed happens 24/7. It has become the new norm.  It is inescapable to its victims.

Studies have shown time and time again that words are very harmful, mentally and verbally.  The abuse these young people suffer can lead to feelings of anger, depression, lack of confidence, withdrawal of feelings, even mental illness in extreme cases.  In some instances, it can lead to drug abuse, shootings, runaways, rebellion, and delinquent behavior that parents can’t control.  We did not have to deal with having our classmates ruin our entire lives 24/7.

The violence that is happening all over our country in schools is nothing less than unacceptable. Having teachers concerned when hateful students that are full of animosity threaten them is making it harder to recruit good teachers and students to be concentrating on what they are there for, to learn.  Worse yet, the elusive student who is aloof and seems disturbed and is being picked on can be the child that can turn on his classmates on a dime.  How do you safeguard your child from the possibility of this happening in school?  You can’t obviously so then what is the best way to instruct them what to do if it what seems utterly insane to me occurs, a mass shooting in their school, a place that should be safe?  Being a grandparent, I simply shake my head in shock that such a conversation would have to occur at all ever happen in America.

Watching my grandchildren this past weekend, I was even more so affected by hearing the news in Paris than I would have been sitting in my own home.  Something about this particular situation really hit a nerve in me. Here I was, in my son’s home, with darling innocent 5, 6 and 7 year old children that could be representative of children anywhere in the country.  They thrive on living, playing and learning.  They love smiling, laughing and living each and every day.

They had gone in the other room to play in their rooms abit and their grandpa turns on CNN to get the world news.  What we are met with is shocking images of Paris violence.  This is in sharp contract to the beautiful mantel below the tv screen all decked out for the holiday season, complete with angels in gold.  We are both spellbound watching the news and reading the tickertape line at the bottom of the screen. Then we snap into reality and flip the channel and within minutes the youngest grandson walks in the room with his armful of boxcars for his beloved train.  While are worrying about the safety of the world, he is gathering his train pieces so he can put his train together in the family room and begin his long journey around the countryside. 

Literally a minute later, in walks my grandson with an armload of trains in his hand, lining them up on the floor in front of the fireplace by his hand-made Santa to pretend he is the conductor.  His innocence of his face, his smile and his simple play in sharp contrast to the horror of the images that had just played out on the large screen television over his head just minutes before.  I had an urge to pick him up and wrap him in my arms to protect him from anyone evil out there hurting him.  I wanted to pick up the phone and call my son, his daddy, and say I love you quickly lest anything happen to him. 

I can only imagine how his parents must feel inside with all this violence in the world, balancing the need to protect your child with the knowledge that there is only so much you can do.  And so you pray, you vote and you stand up and make your voice count. And you live, live without living in fear for we all deserve that. 

One thing for certain there is to learn from all this chaos going on in the world that is truly inhumane and crossing borders of all countries, take time to love on those worth loving.  Recognize our world can be harsh and don’t be so quick to say we had it just as bad; we did not have some of these things hanging over our heads children have to deal with.  Older children have a sense of the world’s conditions too. How unfair to be raised in this environment for them.

 These images being shown of violence domestically and internationally are atrocious.  We never know, when we turn on television sets to local channels, what images we will be confronted with next and where it will be taking place.   But we know we can’t live our lives in fear, nor can or should our children.  They must and deserve a future, one full of hope, promise and not flooded with nothing but evil images of mankind. 

My grandsons love trains like all little boys.  My granddaughter loves dressing up like most little girl.  All children deserve adults fighting for a safer world for them to play in, learn and grow up so they can take over and be the parents and grandparents one day.   

This holiday season, let’s make a point of changing channels in our home and not feed the propaganda wagon.  Why create  additional PR for bad news bandits. I still believe in good over evil. I know everyone enjoys hearing happy-ever-after stories as it instills faith.  And yes, I still believe my grandchildren, and yours, will prevail and make a more peaceful beautiful future for our world.  Click Here

Lessons of Love

Writing about emotions is hard. It is allowing others to see inside of your heart. However, I have learned that the more confident you are as a person, the less you have to fear. Rejection can only hurt if you are not sure of yourself. You are only threatened by others if you have not accepted yourself, with all your blessings and short-comings. With age, this is a must if you are to find happiness and peace. 

And so, with that in mind, I have no misgivings with sharing with those that follow my blog what I am most pleased to celebrate tomorrow, my anniversary with my husband Jim. There is no other person in my life that has had a larger effect on me or impacted my journey to self-discovery, self-love and self-acceptance more than my husband.

I began my “adulthood” getting pregnant at age 17, still a child at heart, unsure what being a parent and a spouse even meant.  I immediately got married to a man I had only known since July of 1977, we wed Oct. 8^th after learning I was pregnant. I had refused to get an abortion feeling the life inside of me was not going to be rejected by me no matter how hard it was to raise a baby on my own.  I felt inside a kinship with my baby, a love that was like nothing I had ever felt.  But it wasn’t really what I felt for the man I was marrying.  Nor did I have that in marriage number two. That story isn’t what this is about.

Fast-forward to my husband now. When I met him, I was down on marriage all together.  I met him through my younger sister and really thought of him as nothing more than a friend, and wanted simply that, a friendship.  He wanted nothing more than the same, neither of us needed a commitment or a relationship at the point in time. I suppose it is true that when you are aren’t looking, have no hidden agenda, God brings what you need in your life and not what you ask for.  And looking back, I suppose we both needed an unconditional loving support system, someone to hold hands with and build each other up and be lifelong friends, lovers and playmates.

That is what I got with my sister’s friend AND a man with character, humor and compassion.  I have had years of challenges, we have been through so much in the last 15 years.  Wow, have we had our share of ups and downs but through it all, we have never once questioned our love for each other.  This may not seem odd to anyone reading this but for someone twice divorced, I was not really sure this type of love existed, at least for me. 

I saw that the common denominator was me.  There always seem to be a provisional acceptance of me with every member in my family. My children seemed to always evaluate and judge me on my mothering skills, the type of person I am, even on my mental state as I got older just like my second husband. My daughter forever found fault in my as a parent.  In her eyes, I never measured up so I began to seriously doubt my abilities as a parent. If I couldn’t make her happy, what was wrong with me? When my husband met me, he recognized immediately as did his family the signs of someone who was beating their head against a brick wall much too quick to take blame for things they had no control over. 

 In my husband, I found someone who loved me unconditionally.  This made me really take a hard look at me and begin to see rays of sunshine in myself, that hey, I must not be such a bad person afterall.  I began seeing a counselor, who I still see to this day.  I did the down and dirty work of delving into all of my life and my thoughts and dreams of who I am and not who others want me to be or who I use to project to be. I have come to know me intimately and deeply and embrace that woman and love her.

In doing so, it has allowed me to love and embrace my husband more fully. I

owe this, in large part, to Jim, my husband. As I have traveled through this path, the last 15 years, going through cancer, side effects, chronic migraines and other health issues, he has remained steadfast in supporting me.  He has allowed me to be his confidant on all that he is and thinks without reservation showing me that I am worthy of being trusted, respected and loved unconditionally. 

Jim, my husband, has provided the missing pieces of my life and my heart. I don’t think I quite ever really saw myself as a whole person. Perhaps I felt like a broken puzzle with missing puzzle pieces. I came from a divorced home and felt like the outsider at times being raised by a step-mother and my dad. I felt like I never measured up to their blood children together.  It made me feel inadequate and hurt inside deeply.  It is irrelevant anymore whether it was right or wrong because feelings just are, our perception is our reality.  Children are very sensitive and I picked up on things that upset me.  I carried those around for a long time.

Through my marriage and my husband, I am the woman I am today, someone who has found their place in the world. I have become someone who is okay being rejected by others and recognizes I don’t need to be accepted by everyone anymore. We all have agendas and I do not need to focus moments in my life on issues I can’t solve. 

  

Meeting Jim and having him introduced to my family and to my children has allowed me to free myself from all those weights I had been carrying. I allowed

myself to be scrutinized by everyone. And accepted all the criticism and stressed about it too, willingly.  It took a man as strong as him, to love me perhaps more than I loved myself to make me realize I needed to love myself enough to let it go.  Allow others to continue judging me and doing things that were hurtful to me and not take it personally. 

I recently read a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  One of the main agreements is about this above, not taking things personally; everyone is coming at life according to their own interests, consciously or unconsciously. Therefore, we expend far too much energy on what others are thinking, feeling and saying.  Wasted life, wasted energy.

One of the greatest joys I get from writing my blogs is the comments I hear back from folks about how something in it touches them or makes them think about the topic. If this inspires any of you to reflect on your self-worth, even one of you, and learn to hug yourself a bit more, than it has done its job.

And for me, this was my long-winded way of saying, living a life with a lot of heart-ache was worth it if it meant having a man like Jim to call my husband. I dearly love him and am blessed beyond measure. He has made me closer to God’s image of me.    Video of some Images over the years, Click Here

Gratitude Letter to Dan

When you give, you shall receive. When you lose something, give something back to see it multiple.

I have always believed this to be true but thought heart ache and pain sometimes struggle believing it. Today, amidst the tears streaming down my face, am reminded just how true this is.

My blog shall be simple and to the point.  I am not in much of a position to write more.

Many know that after my step-son, my husband Jim’s only son, Dan 

Bronold died we set up a memorial scholarship in his name, The Daniel 

Bronold Memorial Scholarship Fund. This money was donated to an organization to help offset costs needed for young men to attend Midcourse Correction Challenge Camp in Brighton, Michigan. So many your teens are turned away each year because they can’t afford the fees.  The fee is set at a minimal amount to cover simply the costs as this organization is a nonprofit. Many of  the employees were past graduates of the program who have gone on with their lives, gotten degrees and returned later on in life to work there.

This is a no nonsense camp full of a weekend of tough love, team building, and goal setting.  For many troubled teens, this is the last stop to try to get them on the right path. Most are on a collision course with self-destruction and many don’t care or know how to turn it around.  Sometimes the parents don’t either and need the help also.

The program is Christian based, which is something we liked and knew Dan would approve of also.  We wanted to pick something we felt Dan would be proud of and enjoy having his name associated with and this seemed perfect.  This fund would give some guys a chance before it was too late that might not  be able to attend otherwise.    And since the years of Dan’s death, the Executive Director, Richard Woods, lets us know each year the donors, amounts and the number of folks that benefit from the funding.  We are privileged to hear some of the stories without giving enough information to breach anyone’s privacy.  He also shares Dan’s story as an example of why it is best to turn your life around before it is too late.

Today, we were blessed beyond belief. A single mother asked for our name and wanted to write us directly.  I don’t feel comfortable sharing her letter as it was intimate.  It was forwarded to use through the Executive Director as he  is not giving out our contact information to anyone either but the essence of the letter was to thank us.  She wanted to let us know that without our money her son wouldn’t have attended camp. With his attendance, his life has completely changed.  Their relationship has turned in ways she never thought possible.  She feels like God has touched him in a very special place and turned the light on in her son.  They have reached a new level of understanding, her joy and gratefulness is so heartful in the letter.  She wants us to know that her and her son will never forget Dan and the Fund and us.  Her letter shows us that Dan is touching lives in a way that we can both indeed can be proud of.

There have been times, over the months and years, we have been disappointed that we can’t raise more money that we are many times, and the only one donating to the Memorial we set up. But we remind ourselves, if all we do is save one teen, if it was just one Dan that would be enough!  If one parent is spared the pain, if one person is not dying as Dan did, that is enough so our donation, several times a year will suffice.  We want to be sure we are doing what we can also to spare a parent from the pain of being on the receiving end of a phone call, from wondering if they did all they could and of not having any holidays left to celebrate with their child ever again. 

This letter confirmed our conviction that the Memorial Fund was the way to ensure we are making a difference in people’s lives, in children’s and in parents. Dan’s name is helping kids turn their lives around and get a new lease on life.  It was and is the just and right thing to do. As long as there is a memorial fund in his name, Dan Bronold’s legacy lives on!  And as the mother said in the close of her letter, her and her son will forever be grateful to Dan, dead or alive to them, he is always alive!

God bless you Dan always in heaven for what your spirit is doing!   Love always!  

If you would like to learn more about Midcourse Correction Challenge Camp, visit http://www.midcoursecorrection.org/

To donate to the fund, Send donations to:

Midcourse Correction Challenge Camp

Attn:  Dan Bronold Memorial Fund

833 E Grand River Ave

Howell, MI 48843