I am ME TOO

The shock has worn off. Therapy helped them deal with the past, move on and given the chance, they speak up,  Now a sexual assault victim comes forward and is met by many women angry, stating too much time has gone by for these women to come forward. The dirty little secret nobody wants to talk about or pretend it doesn't exist if it wasn't them. 

Since the Me Too movement started, there are critics, more women than men, speaking out against it. The very idea of an assault victim telling their story forewarning others of their demise and a potential perpetrator takes inner strength. It is easy, on the outside looking in, to say all sexual assault should be reported immediately but is that fair? Ask a victim ask mental health professionals and ask police that deal with this subject again and again what condition these victims are in when they do report it immediately? It is never easy to come forward.

This new argument other women have that sexual assault victims need to come forward in a “reasonable time-frame” or it the assault is relevant, should go unpunished or unrevealed  are jeopardizing other women and men's safety.  This does not happen as frequently with men abused by men of religious order or children who later come forward about teachers. It is wrong to put a totally different standard on sexual assault to women 

These timelines coming out of critics of women speaking out, within 1-3 years, 5 years or 10 years are usually not victims of sexual assault. Where is the respect for the courage to come forward?  Expecting all women to let it lay in the past when someone has broken the law is allowing the very culprits to live a life unpunished and not recognized for destroying someone else’s.

 Do we let crimes go unsolved when we get additional information, years later? Do we tell victims to keep quiet as the crime is long past? Why is sexual assault any different?  These men and, in some cases women, feel empowered to control others with their menacing actions.  By shushing victims, perpetrators are given more power than their victims AGAIN with protection from other women from being revealed or prosecuted.  An attitude like this does nothing to  lessen the number of crimes of sexual assault on children or adults. Infact it provides a window for those contemplating it to feel more confidant, if it is not reported quickly, they are Scott-free. 

How many women are we talking about? Per the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 1 out of 5 women will be raped in their lifetime. The cost factor for rape to America is larger than any other crime, $127 Billion. Many of the women and men assaulted will experience long and short term effects, such as PTSD which has far-ranging effects to those around them, their employer and healthcare costs.  The period of shock, post-assault, can interfere with reasoning, making sound judgement on where to go, who to talk to and whether or not to report the crime.  It can last for months, years and in some cases, a lifetime.  The story may fade from view but the scars remain.

Sexual assault occurs with children significantly in America. “One in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old.” (National Sexual Violence Resource Center)  If these children live in a dysfunctional home, are we going to further traumatize them by shame-blaming them for not reporting at the time of occurrence?  Note, for those under 18 years old, only 12% are ever reported. 34%, in the case of children, are members of their family, making it even more difficult to come forward to report it. Can you imagine a child’s fear of speaking out and not being removed?  Where will I live if I report it?  Many do not even realize what is going on is wrong or simply block it out for years..  Children depend on their parents and often require counseling when they reach adulthood to break through the silence of confronting the assault and discussing it. Thus the reporting is done much later. 

Women sexually assaulted are being assaulted in public and on social media for withholding a trauma they have taken time to recover from discourages all women and men from reporting crimes of this type. Withholding does not negate truth.   Who has the right to set the ground rules for victims’ rights to speak?  If fairness were an issue, the abuse would not have occurred in the first place. Sexual assault persons did not ask to be abused. 

Men report sexual assault at lower percentages than women.  It is harder for them to feel they will have the outward support for their assault. This makes it extremely trying for them to come forward, plus, there is a  social stigma of a male being sexually abused. These social norms put on men are harmful to those assaulted  No matter the passage of time, these men deserve the right to speak without being further questioned and ostracized, the same as women. Instead of becoming a nation that embraces those hurt, encouraging open dialogue  over wrong-doings, many are becoming self-appointed judge and jury.  No one announces  they sexually abused anyone so it is entirely up to the victim to bring it up and take the public outcry if the culprit is someone beloved. .

So many questions and statements are made to the folks coming forward that are detrimental to recovery.  These do nothing to heal a nation with countless assault victims: “If this were true, why didn't you speak out sooner? Why didn’t you do more so it didn’t happen?  Didn't you have a sign and if so, why did you ignore it?  Were you flirting and perhaps bringing it on?   He (or she) comes off so nice, it is really hard to believe they would do anything like that. Perhaps it was consensual and you regret it?  A potential victim is left opening a wound that seeps back into their life by an uncaring body of people. 

A person is abused in the US every 9 seconds. (Bureau of Justice Statistics)  Every 10 seconds, a child abuse report is made. (American Society of the Positive Care of Children)  We are a nation full of assault and violence. We should be providing affirmation for those that speak out and instead of extremely low percentages of reporting. Without women speaking up, as the Me Too movement is trying to stimulate, the numbers will only continue to rise. In Oct. 2018, the FBI reported there has been a 20% increase in the number of rapes in our country. What an odd time for women to be questioning other women’s stories and their courage in stepping forward.

As a rape victim myself, 42 years ago, I applaud these women. I have sat through many discussions for years with my lips sealed, unwilling to share my story, embarrassed and feeling guilty as if I was to blame somehow for being violated. I found my voice and support other women and the men I have heard coming forward.  It is not easy.  It too took me many many years to learn to do that, speak up and process what happened and all the whys. The Me Too movement is women and men’s right to try to undo a wrong and to protect other people from this type of abuse.    

I defend anyone’s right to share their story and applaud their courage to do so. Some may be false. Checking too many sources to list, the consensus is consistent, less than 2%. 98% are not making accusations up. The passage of time does not change what occurred..  Regardless of your title, name or position or whom you present yourself to be, there is a wrong and there is a right. Perpetrators deserve to be called out; they gave up their right to be kept in secret when they abused another human being. Please, if you are or have been sexually abused, share your story, with someone. Ignore the neigh-sayers, more of us support you than not.   Your voice matters.

Children in a Safe House, Their World Should be One

When I was a kid things were just as bad is a line I use to hear often. Then when I was a parent, I am certain I said it myself. Well, times they are a changing, as I heard on old reruns many times growing up. In this day and age, it is true. I am not 100% sure history completely repeats itself.  We did not initially inhabit this country we live in now called the United States so we should not take our freedom and civil rights liberties for granted.

Children these days face many challenges none of us have ever had to deal with. The reality of violence in schools is more real than ever. We may have had our share of bullying.  We may have been talked about at a party, or over the phone.  This day, due to the advent of the internet, being picked on and ridiculed happens 24/7. It has become the new norm.  It is inescapable to its victims.

Studies have shown time and time again that words are very harmful, mentally and verbally.  The abuse these young people suffer can lead to feelings of anger, depression, lack of confidence, withdrawal of feelings, even mental illness in extreme cases.  In some instances, it can lead to drug abuse, shootings, runaways, rebellion, and delinquent behavior that parents can’t control.  We did not have to deal with having our classmates ruin our entire lives 24/7.

The violence that is happening all over our country in schools is nothing less than unacceptable. Having teachers concerned when hateful students that are full of animosity threaten them is making it harder to recruit good teachers and students to be concentrating on what they are there for, to learn.  Worse yet, the elusive student who is aloof and seems disturbed and is being picked on can be the child that can turn on his classmates on a dime.  How do you safeguard your child from the possibility of this happening in school?  You can’t obviously so then what is the best way to instruct them what to do if it what seems utterly insane to me occurs, a mass shooting in their school, a place that should be safe?  Being a grandparent, I simply shake my head in shock that such a conversation would have to occur at all ever happen in America.

Watching my grandchildren this past weekend, I was even more so affected by hearing the news in Paris than I would have been sitting in my own home.  Something about this particular situation really hit a nerve in me. Here I was, in my son’s home, with darling innocent 5, 6 and 7 year old children that could be representative of children anywhere in the country.  They thrive on living, playing and learning.  They love smiling, laughing and living each and every day.

They had gone in the other room to play in their rooms abit and their grandpa turns on CNN to get the world news.  What we are met with is shocking images of Paris violence.  This is in sharp contract to the beautiful mantel below the tv screen all decked out for the holiday season, complete with angels in gold.  We are both spellbound watching the news and reading the tickertape line at the bottom of the screen. Then we snap into reality and flip the channel and within minutes the youngest grandson walks in the room with his armful of boxcars for his beloved train.  While are worrying about the safety of the world, he is gathering his train pieces so he can put his train together in the family room and begin his long journey around the countryside. 

Literally a minute later, in walks my grandson with an armload of trains in his hand, lining them up on the floor in front of the fireplace by his hand-made Santa to pretend he is the conductor.  His innocence of his face, his smile and his simple play in sharp contrast to the horror of the images that had just played out on the large screen television over his head just minutes before.  I had an urge to pick him up and wrap him in my arms to protect him from anyone evil out there hurting him.  I wanted to pick up the phone and call my son, his daddy, and say I love you quickly lest anything happen to him. 

I can only imagine how his parents must feel inside with all this violence in the world, balancing the need to protect your child with the knowledge that there is only so much you can do.  And so you pray, you vote and you stand up and make your voice count. And you live, live without living in fear for we all deserve that. 

One thing for certain there is to learn from all this chaos going on in the world that is truly inhumane and crossing borders of all countries, take time to love on those worth loving.  Recognize our world can be harsh and don’t be so quick to say we had it just as bad; we did not have some of these things hanging over our heads children have to deal with.  Older children have a sense of the world’s conditions too. How unfair to be raised in this environment for them.

 These images being shown of violence domestically and internationally are atrocious.  We never know, when we turn on television sets to local channels, what images we will be confronted with next and where it will be taking place.   But we know we can’t live our lives in fear, nor can or should our children.  They must and deserve a future, one full of hope, promise and not flooded with nothing but evil images of mankind. 

My grandsons love trains like all little boys.  My granddaughter loves dressing up like most little girl.  All children deserve adults fighting for a safer world for them to play in, learn and grow up so they can take over and be the parents and grandparents one day.   

This holiday season, let’s make a point of changing channels in our home and not feed the propaganda wagon.  Why create  additional PR for bad news bandits. I still believe in good over evil. I know everyone enjoys hearing happy-ever-after stories as it instills faith.  And yes, I still believe my grandchildren, and yours, will prevail and make a more peaceful beautiful future for our world.  Click Here