MLK Jr Effect on Children

My son was born into a white American family. We started relatively poor. I was 17, pregnant and in high school. His father was a factory worker at a chemical company, 23 and wondering how in the world he was going to support a wife and a baby.  I went to a free clinic. It was the beginning, I suppose of the American Dream.

As we struggled in a one bedroom apartment, we made major head ways and moved to the fancy living accommodations of a two bedroom where no longer was my son living in the hallway, outside the bedroom and in-front of the bathroom.   Our furniture became more than plastic crates and I could buy material to sew curtains for all the windows and life was good.

Before long Jimmy Carter had passed a bill that allowed us to buy a home with a government subsidized loan. We moved into a white neighborhood with our starter home that, to us, was going to be our only home. It was small, compact, but it was ours!  It had rooms the size of my laundry room in my subsequent homes but I was overjoyed. As another child came along, we were truly feeling God was looking down on us smiling. We were middle class in our estimation.

My son, by now, was attending a middle class elementary school with mostly all white children, hardly any black children or any other minorities that I knew of. He had grown into an excellent student for the most part. One of his stand out skills, early on, was writing so it was no surprise to me when he was asked to participate, one weekend in fifth grade in the Governors Competition for Writing.

As I dropped him off, I remember seeing him walk in a neighboring school with about one hundred other kids coming from the District we lived in, all looking like they came from neighborhoods like ours, or better. I left and picked him back up a few hours later.

As we drove home, I found out that he had won an Honorable Mention but not placed in the top 3. I was quite surprised he hadn't won or placed because I knew he was by far the best writer in his grade at his school. I tried not to show any emotion and asked him what the subject matter was that they had to write about.

My son told me they were asked to write an essay describing who they would spend a day with if they could with anyone they wanted to alive or dead in the world.  Then they were to explain what would they do, say or ask. For his paper, he told me he had picked Martin Luther King Jr. I was shocked, here sat a white middle class boy, who, of all the choices in the world picked MLK Jr.

He then went on to tell me the content of his paper. It was about all the questions he would ask. He wanted to know what it was like to live in a world where MLK Jr was oppressed, treated with a lack of respect and how he rose above it. My son wanted to know how difficult it was to confront hate and be so filled with hope.  He was planning on asking him if he thought things had changed since he died, if black children were treated fairly and if not, what should be done. And one of the most profound things he said was that to simply be with him would be an honor.

To quote Representative John Lewis today, on the 50^th Anniversary of MLK Jr being assassinated :

Dr. King taught us to be brave, to be courageous, to be bold. I don't know where America would be, where many of us of color would be, were it not for him. 

His legacy was to speak up, stand up. When you see that something isn't right or fair, you have to do something — you have to get in the way. Get into good trouble.

Reflecting back, the paper my son wrote symbolized to me what racism is not. It showed me that hate is taught to children, it is not innate. My son was willing to listen to the oppressed and learn from their experiences to be a better human being. I was proud that day of my son. I am certain it played a part in him not being given a placement for his paper but I really couldn't care less. In my mind, he won. Oh, what a better world we would be if we all just shut up and listened, learned, cared and changed!

Where Have All the Good Role Models Gone?

Where have all the good role models gone for our children?  I really could care less for the adults, they can have their opinions and mentors or not. But when we grew up, we had those we admired, those our parents told us to look up to and aspire to be. With what is going on in America, right now, before our eyes, who do children today get to watch, listen to and say “That is who I want to be and sound like?”

As a parent, the people parents teach their children to talk like are well-educated English speaking Americans that represent our country well. We want our children to show respect for other human beings like those running our country. We use to look to politicians like JFK, Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan to exemplify speaking as American Presidents that used diplomacy in talking to other countries and on the airwaves with grace and humility. We no longer have that with our current leader. This is not the kind of language we expect or accept our children to use, infact they get punished for using defamatory terms. Adults lose their jobs over this comments that current President has said. So why is it acceptable for our children to hear this and isn't it sad they no longer have a President that is a role model of decency? 

Sports figures are not achievable for most in America. It is the few that can attain that level of success. How many children actually get that opportunity? However, once given that chance and those outrageously large salaries most of us will never experience in a lifetime, why not use it for the betterment of society?  So many don't and are teaching youth the complete waste of wealth. Many, in years past, have had a sense of responsibility to be a role model for children, to exemplify a great citizen of this country.

As a strong Democrat, I respect the right of speech. I believe anyone who has studied American history understands this is one basic reason our founding fathers decided to break from England. Anyone speaking out was thrown in jail. We deserve the right to speak out and if our government or individuals do not like it, they need to recognize we live in the land of the free, at least up till now. 

Having said that, athletes taking a knee when the American flag is hailed on the football field to protest racism in our country and police brutality aimed at racial profiling must be given a second glance.  Yes, they deserve to make a statement but is this the place?  I worry , with children watching, they will see athletes they admire bowing down to the American flag and perhaps interpret it the wrong way, as if it is not worthy of raising up in pride of America. I really could care less of what adults think, feel or say. My concern is children of America, they are the future.  Is this the right message?  How are they processing this?  Can we be better as a society in resolving our conflicts and how we speak about and solve our differences so that we don’t negatively impact children? 

Daily we are bombarded with teachers having sexual relationships with kids. What happened to the times we were supposed to tell kids to run to teachers with problems they were having and confide in them?  How the heck are kids suppose to be comfortable doing that when parents now have to forewarn children to be careful if teachers get too close to them? Any responsible parent will teach their children that any adult, teachers included, that gets in their safe zone, is a red flag. That makes it even harder for a child to feel comfortable looking up to a teacher. Gone, another person to really want to aspire to be as they have to look at them with a screening eye.

Coaching children has become so competitive that some parents are refraining from even putting their children in sports. The few games I have gone to over the last several years, I am not sure who is worse, the coaches or the parents.  No longer is the focus on fun but on flat out winning or getting even with the child or children that perform the best. It has become a video game of taking out players with shouts that use to be grounds for removing parents for shouting such unsportsmen like comments as “Take him out!” or “You don’t have to take that shit!” Not only are the coaches becoming horrible examples of fair play but the parents are encouraging foul play. Really, is this what we want children to learn? How will this help them in the work environment where hard work is how you get ahead,  not knocking others down to succeed?

The real irony is taking children to Church and thinking that will teach children how to be caring and compassionate and then not living it. Saying you are a Christian and then approving  adults that bully and being horribly upset with children for harassing other children and not seeing any correlation. 

Supporting athletes for years to the exclusion of your family, buying their jerseys, missing children’s events and then screaming at them for being foul because they don’t agree with your views instead of listening to theirs.  Hearing feed the poor at church and putting money in the basket and then being okay with Medicaid being cut when so many depend on this for healthcare for chronic illness. There is a direct connect. Be a role model for children of consistent behavior or you are sending mixed messages and not a role model that is worthy of respect. 

I love America. I love children more. I believe the differences that separate parties are less than the media and the leaders make them out to be. I believe people want solutions but more importantly I believe children need role models.  I believe, as my friend, a stark Republican said, average Americans can be great representatives in government if given a chance. I believe they can and are good role models for children or can be if the effort is put forth. I believe all of us can but we must hold ourselves to a higher standard than so many in society are currently doing. But it starts with you.  Are you up for the challenge?  If so, start today.  Put a kid ahead of yourself!

A Gift of a Grandma

On a recent trip to Nashville to see my grandchildren, my grandson was asking me to buy him toys. Thus began a talk I wanted to have about my own grandmother. The value of my relationship with her was built on her unconditional love for me.

Grandma Gliatti was born in Italy and moved to America in her twenties.  She and my grandpa were poor. I am sure they lived on pasta and homemade bread for many meals.  She used to tell me stories of hiding under the kitchen table when bill collectors came.

Even when I was a small child, toys were prized, getting any kind of gift or money. And yet, Grandma never had much money so gifts were limited to Christmas and were very small items.. At that time, she bought all of her grandchildren (which were many) a little something each, frequently we all got the same thing.

The delight in getting a gift from Grandma Gliatti was more special because of who it came from than any item. Infact, as good as my memory is of my childhood, I can only recall one gift from her, a Barbie type doll that was Italian so she said!

Her reaction to seeing her grandkids happy was the best gift of all. When Grandma smiled, her face lit up and at times, she would move to tears of joy. How can you put a price tag on a gift like that? 

I was raised by my Grandma’s son, who was the only one of 4 siblings not living  in Toledo, Ohio. Thus my time spent with her was limited to weekend trips to see her and the rest of the family. The drive to Grandma’s didn’t matter; it was too big of a thrill to see her to care. She was worth the boring drive. Her and Grandpa I felt the moon and stars were over their head.

Kindness in a relative is not measured in terms of material possessions but more out of love. Grandma use to sit up late with my sister and me, talking about whatever we wanted to talk about until my father pulled in the driveway. As soon as she saw those headlights, she would yell and laugh telling us to run up to our bed we shared and pretend to be asleep.  We did exactly as we were told, never letting on what Grandma had done.

Looking back, perhaps our parents knew it and chose to not say a word. The late night chats seemed to be as important and special to Grandma as they were to me. Her white powdered cookies she hid in the cabinet from Grandpa would come out and we would sit munching cookies and laughing with her for hours.

Those days gone by, of watching her make her Italian dishes and kneed bread may be over with but in my mind, they never ended. She was an important part of my youth and the realization that what she gave was priceless hits me hard when I look at my own grandchildren.

I asked my grandson what his best memory was of being with me. Not surprising he 

mentioned something he had done with me. I then began rattling off, with my husband, his

Grandpa, a multitude of experiences we have shared with him over the years. The list is endless, baking cookies, attending a Christmas show, playing at the park, swimming in our backyard, reading books before bed at our house, watching him laugh with delight at our Christmas train!

I told him about my grandmother who has gone to heaven. It was important to me that he understand that what I miss about Grandma is not an item I opened or her slipping me a quarter at the store. My memories of all the fun times I laughed with her and she told me how much she loved me is what I remember best and loved the most.

My grandson seemed to understand because he asked me if I miss her much. I told him yes, but that is why I try to be as good of a grandmother to him as she was

to me. When I die, I asked my grandson always remember what we did together and how I made him feel. I then had to ask if he knows how much I love him. When he said yes, I told him than he too, when he grows up, won't remember me for a truck, a bug or a train. Infact, I went on to say I don't want you to remember anything I bought you. I want you only to think of all the laughter we shared and all the wonderful memories of the time we have spent together, just like I do with my Grandma! 

Now I know how grandma felt towards me and how she missed a grandchild when she didn't see them. But, I also know, as she said, we carry them in our heart so they are never truly far away. 

Motherhood Lessons

Motherhood is not for the faint at heart. It is not for those that believe being a mommy is fun and games. It is for those that are willing to put their hearts on the line only to have it broken time and time again but find the overall rewards worth it. It is for the women who find giving life and planting seeds for the world rewarding.

As Mother’s Day comes, I reflect on lessons. Expect nothing in return and then, when you get it, you will be pleasantly surprised. Kids think the world revolves around them and mothers are there to serve. When you are given attention, you are to thank them for their time, at any age.

There will be plenty of excuses. There are busy playing with their toys, then with their friends, then driving somewhere, anywhere! Next comes a focus on college (which you are helping with odds and ends anyways!), dating, marriage, kids and life. There appears to always be something more important than you. It is like “Cat’s in the Cradle Song”, even when you have made the time, and still do. Many adult children simply won’t make the time for you. Accept this truth and you will be much happier. Just savor the time you are given.  You can’t change them so don’t try. With acceptance comes peace.

You are the number one cheerleader for your child. Have a "you can do it" attitude. Nobody cares more about your child than you, no other parent or teacher. They may not acknowledge you on the sideline and any yell may be met with extreme embarrassment.  You may be forbidden to wave but trust me, your being there is an esteem builder, it shows they matter. At the end of the game, they may run off to their friends but it registered and you saw what you created put forth effort. It is a win-win!

You were not put in the world to be a parent in order to be their best friend. Wait till you utter these words and watch their faces switch to creatures you don’t recognize. All the sudden, you swear you

never bore this hateful creature. But yet, being a mom means putting boundary lines in place, that means saying no, grounding, and saying uncomplimentary things at times, the things their friends wouldn’t dare say. You say it because you love them and they need to hear it. They won’t see it as love. They will hate you and swear you are mean and put up a wall of disbelief and anger towards you. It will break your heart but if not you, who will do this necessary step to growth? No one will tell you motherhood is easy.

Getting thrown up, pooped, and bled on is no fun but shit happens, again and again!  Be ready and muster through.  You also become a semi-paramedic yet never feel quite adequate to answer questions like do I take them to the ER, to the doctor, does it require stitches, is this temperature too high, will you throw up again, and are you contagious?  Get a Magic 8 ball.  It will help!

Talk about the stuff that makes your kids uncomfortable. Sound strange?  Talk about porn, sex, safe sex, birth control, Christian values, faith, child molesters, unsafe people, politics, drugs, divorce, etc.…  Better at home to bring them up, don’t leave it to school, the internet, strangers, peers, etc. Your belief system is a far better teacher. They will squirm and you may too but it gives them a chance to ask you and create a safe channel of communication lines. Make the world safer for your children and for our community, our world.

Be willing to understand you will make mistakes, plenty of them. You must own up to them for not doing so sends a message to your children that you are perfect, arrogant or unwilling to admit you’re wrong. None of us is expected to be a perfect mom; we are only expected to try our best with what we are given. If your kids love you, they will appreciate what they are given. If they can’t accept that, you must let them struggle with why. God placed them with you for a reason.

Walking into motherhood requires prayer. Some children you can’t survive with without it.  Your miracle didn’t get here without God. It will certainly go better for all if you continue to allow God’s miracles to happen in your life and theirs by asking for a little help!  

Some children, as they move on with their lives, may move completely out of your life. This is hard

as you age because, though the memories may forever make you feel young at heart, your body gives your age away.  They may put the priority of you in their life on a backburner more than ever just as you realize your life is coming closer to the end. Know in your heart that many mothers have shared this fate.  You are not alone.  As when your children slammed the door after screaming they hate you, you must leave the door closed much as it hurts. Continue to love them and continue to pray. You have been a mom and will continue to be till the end of your life but it is their choice to make. You planted the seed and showed them what unconditional love was. Now is the time to reflect on the precious memories if no more are created.

Though motherhood is full of heart aches, drama and trauma, it is also full of laughter, joy and pride. It is a time of celebration and a lifetime of memories. It is reminder of our Christian faith in that Mary, mother of Jesus showed how one so kindhearted and loving could raise a king meaning each and every one of us is capable of turning a single baby into someone who can change the world! 

Beautiful Boys

Sometimes boys get a bad rap. All the little girls get showered with praise full of the compliments on their girly looks, the clothes, gifts of doll babies.  Left out of all these stereo type cultures we live in are the little boys in the world with their trucks and blue jeans. I will never forget reading Cinderella Ate my Daughter by Peggy Orenstein who was bound and determined when she had a girl, she would fall not fall into that trap. Lo and behold, she did.

Having grandchildren it is different. Each and every child is so special, there is no chance of being smitten by the girls are sweeter and pink is more fun to shop for, at least in my mind. I have gotten past that as I have aged because each little individual brings their own uniqueness to the world and to my life; I love them all beyond words.

Recently, on a trip to my son’s house, my husband and I took two of our grandsons to the park for an afternoon. It was a beautiful day, and as I watched them play, I noticed how much they had grown. It was one of those epiphany moments where you sit back, as a grandmother, and have pride in that your little ones are beginning to be more independent. Yet, as they adventured about, we had to follow them steadfast because they wanted us right behind them to share in each and every adventure! So refreshing to know, even with independence, we fill a spot in their hearts even as they grow up. I hope, long after we are gone, they remember afternoons like this, memories at the park.

I told my husband I wanted to attempt to capture that afternoon, somewhat, in pictures. One can truly never really get the feeling in a digital image, not the emotion but I was going to try.  Truly the boys are beautiful.  Jake and Ty look quite alike in many ways and yet, personality wise, could not be more different! Attached is a video if you care to watch it, done to John Lennon’s song Beautiful Boy. He wrote it for his own son whom he was never fortune enough to see grow up.

May you find those moments in your life when you can sit outside or venture to a park and watch children play. There is such beauty in all young people’s faces and passion for discovery. I am forever grateful for the moments I too can sit and observe the beautiful boys in my life.

Click Here for the Video Link

Healthy Kids

One of the reasons I care so much about what is going on politically in regards to healthcare in this country is the impact it has on children. Poor in America have enough trouble feeding their children. If they can’t afford to live they can’t afford healthcare. Without adequate healthcare, they are more likely to have a need for medical care and it needs to be affordable.

There are over 45.7 Million Americans living in poverty.  Can you  imagine a family of four living on $23, 550 and having to obtain medical insurance on a competitive market? An individual in poverty makes a max of $11, 490 annually and if put on a high risk pool would have to pay more in premiums for healthcare. I ask you how, on what? This might be a single father. This is a reality for 13.5% of Americans.

Let’s assume economists are wrong and that no recession is going to happen in the next several years so things won’t get worse for those at poverty level. Let’s assume that no one else loses a job and falls into the poverty level and some come out of it.  We are still talking about 13.5 % of our country’s population.  Currently Medicaid (for those at poverty level and children) combined with CHIP (special insurance program only children are eligible that have parents that make slightly too much for Medicaid and it is administered by State government) have nearly 70 million people on these plans, 1 in 5 people in our country!

Keeping that number in mind, is it any wonder protestors are shouting in the street that a Medical Care Plan in existence can’t be pulled out without being replaced immediately for the poor in society?  Children that are sick deserve treatment. This is not an uncivilized country that we live in that should be calling on the United Nations or Mission Trips from foreign counties to help sick children needing medical attention. There is enough money in America to care for medical care for youth and their care-takers/parents.

What psychological effect does it have on children to see their parents ill and not getting help?  Having a chronic illness is grueling. Not being able to get treated for it is worse. That is a stress on an entire family but on a child, to try to process it is very hard. These children have a hard enough life living in poverty. Our nation should have some sort of obligation to its youth. They deserve at least medical care and a parent that loves them to be around and support them. There are not enough parents to go around to foster these children.

If the issue isn’t addressed, know that there are currently 400,000 children in the foster care system in the United States. It is not without its problems finding good homes to foster children. 100,000 of these children are looking for adoptive homes. Thus, the children whose parents need medical insurance, if it is cut and they can’t afford it, Republicans must feel their life has no value. There lies a greater question, are Republicans putting these children in poverty homes into a foster care home?

The foster care system is already well over a $22 Billion dollar program of tax payers money. Even with continued reforms, children that have been placed in this system suffer at least one form of abuse. Many experts say the system is beyond hope and needs to be completely abolished. I was shocked to learn 74% of inmates have been in the foster care system and 80% of all prisoners on death row have been in this system as well!

As a nation with so many youth in poverty-stricken homes, until that changes, knowing health is a major factor in all areas of life, politicians must make healthcare affordable for the least of our brothers and sisters. I am not saying which system is best, which plan, I simply know penalzing those that are chronically ill isn’t the answer. They already are spending money continually on medication. Their life is already lived at half-mast. Why would our government want to knock them down more?  Certainly there are other ways to save money besides making children lose their live, their parents or their grandparents prematurely?  Even middle-income Americans struggle with insurance premiums and drug costs. How in the world can a unwed mother on a minimum wage afford increases on Medical family policies?

We must, as a nation, recognize we have fought wars side by side against enemies. We have waved our flag to stand united during war times and joyful celebrations. To turn our back on neighbors that are fellow Americans simply because they don’t make as much money is not only un-American but cruel. Simply because their lot in life is less does not mean their life has less value in God’s eyes. Certainly we can band together and support that medical advances are for everyone’s benefit, most especially for children. They deserve to have their parents healthy and their lives free from disease. 

We are the world, yes we all are the children. 

Parenting was Your Choice

Too often children are forced to conform. Parents have a preconceived idea of how their kids are supposed to do everything, exactly by the developmental charts.  The pressure begins early for kids to conform and the comparisons with everyone else’s child and individuality is thrown out the window. Parents easily begin the process of having expectations of how children should look, how they should act, and present themselves.  They must be dressed a certain way and they must always be perfectly groomed lest they look unkempt, like children, God forbid.  These lessons tend to stay with children through their teens, and for life as some parents consider it a direct reflection on them if their offspring is not nearly perfect.

Parenting is too often set on some unreachable bar and that goal is then pushed onto kids. Often too it is based on “I am in charge” period and you must obey. In today’s busy world, it can easily be about wanting a child to make a parent’s live easier though the child has needs and didn’t ask to be here. Morality is suddenly not being taught in the home and when not captured, it’s blamed on schools and society as the culprit. Why isn’t this a parent’s responsibility anymore?  Why would a parent want the value system of a teacher to be the basis of their offspring’s value system?  Society’s value system also is up to interpretation in a developing mind. Why should that be a child’s learning tool for morality? Also ignoring your child’s needs and avoiding giving them attention can directly cause  kids to become either hostile or low-self-esteem causing depression and in worst cases suicide.

Children should not have to dress like everyone else. Being able to express oneself by dressing a little bit different is okay. Their benchmark for success should not be defined completely by society. Parents should be familiar with what they excel in, what their passion is, what their weaknesses are and not rely on a teacher conference to learn about their own children. Yet, I have learned many do.  Allowing creativity with your children will instill confidence in a young person, and attention shows they have value.  Nothing takes the place of time and attention from a parent.

Too often, parents think their children that are perfectly well-behaved at home because nothing is array have no issues.  Yet how many parents are truly paying attention?  How many kids are hiding things from their parents?  The ones that seem perfect are the ones that could be the most troublesome away from home, especially if they have literally nothing going on in their lives.  

Be in touch with your children from early on to adulthood. Allow them a leaning post and to let some steam off at home, to vent.  Home should be where the heart is. They should be free to make mistakes at home and be open about what those are to get reinforcement and advice. It can be a cold world. Don’t be a parent that expects the world from your child when the world expects even more.

No one is hardwired perfectly. Parents need to allow their children to be human; home should be a free zone.

Freedom of expression should be taught at home. Abandonment of holding in feelings should be permitted in one’s home with family without fear of retribution.   Naturally this should be done and taught with restraint and respect. There are boundary lines that need to be taught and enforced with children of all ages. This is where boundary lines are taught and set the tone for all relationships to come.

There should be positive reinforcement if someone feels inclined to express themselves creatively, perhaps differently than you, personality be it artistically, in dress, or some other fashion.  Conformity is over-rated. Many of the greatest in history were non-conformist. Allow your child the opportunity to be one. They could go down in history for what they set out to accomplish.  The alternative is a humdrum live full of regret. And resentment over you, the parent, and the one thing that stood in the way.. 

Summertime Moments

Summer flies by but certain times will always stand out like the moments with grandkids. 

This past week was one of those moments for my husband and I. No matter how old you get, children bring out the child in you, the love of life and the nurturing and parenting skills you long forgot.

After having moved to Florida in April, one of the hardest parts of the move was being away from our three grandchildren in Nashville.  We vowed to make certain to stay in touch and knew a piece of them is always with us, no matter where we are, where we go and even in our death, they will remain within our spiritual journey.

But it was with great joy we had the opportunity to have them in our new home, one of them for a week and the other one, for a brief stay.  Funny how the bond is so strong with

them that, once together, it is as if there is no passage of time when we are together. So our time together was full of the usual hubbub, laughter, singing, fighting when the two were together, mischief, calls home when something seemed array, sunburn with one when two spots on the back apparently didn’t get enough suntan coverage even with him only being out in the sun an hour! 

But it goes without saying, with children there is never a dull moment! Even Charley ventured more than ever outside of the walk-in closet. Most of the time they were here, he was everywhere they were. Trains had to be put in rooms with doors closed so his 99 lbs. wasn’t stepping on tracks. The golf cart was on the road more than the entire time we have lived here and the pool was used more by my granddaughter than by us.

One night my grandson popped in our room in the middle of the night and poked me. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked what he wanted and he simply said I love you, can I sleep with you. How does a grandma say no?  In he slipped. So naturally on the last night here, when my granddaughter asked if she could sleep with me and grandpa elsewhere I informed, not asked grandpa, your pillows have to go to another room in the house.  And she snuggled in.

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Well, it is hard to do justice to a visit full of love and show that the circle of love is complete. The entire time my granddaughter was here she seldom referred to her dad as daddy but instead “your son’ but a video follows with an attempt to show the highlights.

May it resonate with you the importance of grabbing little moments with young people. May it show you that it is not what you do with kids that matter but that you do something. Attention is prized time to children and let’s be honest; it is the only legacy we can truly leave behind, the memories.    CLICK HERE

Children in a Safe House, Their World Should be One

When I was a kid things were just as bad is a line I use to hear often. Then when I was a parent, I am certain I said it myself. Well, times they are a changing, as I heard on old reruns many times growing up. In this day and age, it is true. I am not 100% sure history completely repeats itself.  We did not initially inhabit this country we live in now called the United States so we should not take our freedom and civil rights liberties for granted.

Children these days face many challenges none of us have ever had to deal with. The reality of violence in schools is more real than ever. We may have had our share of bullying.  We may have been talked about at a party, or over the phone.  This day, due to the advent of the internet, being picked on and ridiculed happens 24/7. It has become the new norm.  It is inescapable to its victims.

Studies have shown time and time again that words are very harmful, mentally and verbally.  The abuse these young people suffer can lead to feelings of anger, depression, lack of confidence, withdrawal of feelings, even mental illness in extreme cases.  In some instances, it can lead to drug abuse, shootings, runaways, rebellion, and delinquent behavior that parents can’t control.  We did not have to deal with having our classmates ruin our entire lives 24/7.

The violence that is happening all over our country in schools is nothing less than unacceptable. Having teachers concerned when hateful students that are full of animosity threaten them is making it harder to recruit good teachers and students to be concentrating on what they are there for, to learn.  Worse yet, the elusive student who is aloof and seems disturbed and is being picked on can be the child that can turn on his classmates on a dime.  How do you safeguard your child from the possibility of this happening in school?  You can’t obviously so then what is the best way to instruct them what to do if it what seems utterly insane to me occurs, a mass shooting in their school, a place that should be safe?  Being a grandparent, I simply shake my head in shock that such a conversation would have to occur at all ever happen in America.

Watching my grandchildren this past weekend, I was even more so affected by hearing the news in Paris than I would have been sitting in my own home.  Something about this particular situation really hit a nerve in me. Here I was, in my son’s home, with darling innocent 5, 6 and 7 year old children that could be representative of children anywhere in the country.  They thrive on living, playing and learning.  They love smiling, laughing and living each and every day.

They had gone in the other room to play in their rooms abit and their grandpa turns on CNN to get the world news.  What we are met with is shocking images of Paris violence.  This is in sharp contract to the beautiful mantel below the tv screen all decked out for the holiday season, complete with angels in gold.  We are both spellbound watching the news and reading the tickertape line at the bottom of the screen. Then we snap into reality and flip the channel and within minutes the youngest grandson walks in the room with his armful of boxcars for his beloved train.  While are worrying about the safety of the world, he is gathering his train pieces so he can put his train together in the family room and begin his long journey around the countryside. 

Literally a minute later, in walks my grandson with an armload of trains in his hand, lining them up on the floor in front of the fireplace by his hand-made Santa to pretend he is the conductor.  His innocence of his face, his smile and his simple play in sharp contrast to the horror of the images that had just played out on the large screen television over his head just minutes before.  I had an urge to pick him up and wrap him in my arms to protect him from anyone evil out there hurting him.  I wanted to pick up the phone and call my son, his daddy, and say I love you quickly lest anything happen to him. 

I can only imagine how his parents must feel inside with all this violence in the world, balancing the need to protect your child with the knowledge that there is only so much you can do.  And so you pray, you vote and you stand up and make your voice count. And you live, live without living in fear for we all deserve that. 

One thing for certain there is to learn from all this chaos going on in the world that is truly inhumane and crossing borders of all countries, take time to love on those worth loving.  Recognize our world can be harsh and don’t be so quick to say we had it just as bad; we did not have some of these things hanging over our heads children have to deal with.  Older children have a sense of the world’s conditions too. How unfair to be raised in this environment for them.

 These images being shown of violence domestically and internationally are atrocious.  We never know, when we turn on television sets to local channels, what images we will be confronted with next and where it will be taking place.   But we know we can’t live our lives in fear, nor can or should our children.  They must and deserve a future, one full of hope, promise and not flooded with nothing but evil images of mankind. 

My grandsons love trains like all little boys.  My granddaughter loves dressing up like most little girl.  All children deserve adults fighting for a safer world for them to play in, learn and grow up so they can take over and be the parents and grandparents one day.   

This holiday season, let’s make a point of changing channels in our home and not feed the propaganda wagon.  Why create  additional PR for bad news bandits. I still believe in good over evil. I know everyone enjoys hearing happy-ever-after stories as it instills faith.  And yes, I still believe my grandchildren, and yours, will prevail and make a more peaceful beautiful future for our world.  Click Here

Happy Fathers

A dear friend wished me Happy Father's Day today. I thought, how odd, I am a woman and Mother’s Day is past. I sat on it awhile and then followed up asking what is up with that comment.  She clearly thought I understood.  And once she explained I realized she was right, Happy Father’s Day to me! All the single moms out there trying to fill both roles know exactly what I am talking about.

Having children is difficult when you are trying to balance their ever changing needs with your own.  There is a different set of rules completely when there is only one parent in the house, there is no trade off, no off time, no hand off at the door at 5:00.  For some of us, there was no shared bathtub duties, no taking turns working on homework, splitting days off for sick days, doctor appointments or leaving early for sports games.

I don’t for a minute regret having full custody of my children but it meant wearing both hats. When my son needed a dad, many times, I was it. Being a woman, it was foreign to me many times how to handle certain situations. At times, when my daughter and I were at odds, there was not a vested father figure in love with us both in the house to help sort things out.  Thus, it was, at times, more challenging.

The other side of the coin for myself, and many women like me was the camaraderie that was developed in the relationship.  There was not much my children and I did not do together, including play together, laugh together, go out to eat, shop, cook, you name it. We had times where we were like the 3 Musketeers.  It was bound not to last but when it did hold, it was good. It was very good.

So I wanted to end this day by saying I am glad that I had the chance to try to be all things to both of my children.  They may not always see my efforts as successful but I did the best I could.  And I am certainly glad they have provided my grandchildren with wonderful loving fathers that are indeed present for both of them.  

The video is just a small salute of sorts to the men in my immediate life as they are all fathers & grandpas that count. Click Here to view video

Wishing Little Christmas Dreams Come True

 Christmas means many things to many people.  I think, as I have aged, it has changed meanings to me. The one constant meaning has been the celebration of the birth of Jesus, the birth of a baby that was to meant to teach the world about God.  I really wonder if, without the Gospel, some of us would have been able to really “get it.” I know, for me, I wouldn't have.  The other books of the Bible just don’t hold my interest in quite the same way. 

Christmas as a child is so different than as an adult.  The lights of the tree, the wonder of Santa and how he gets all those gifts all over the world is just magical.  It is like the belief that a knight can actually fight dragons. It is somewhat sad to find out he really doesn't exist. At the time you realize Santa is your parents is the time you are somewhat aware your parents really aren't your heroes at all, just a mom and a dad.  Dad doesn't have super powers and Mom’s cookies are not always as good as Hostess products or Little Debbie's. 

Then, as a teenager, Christmas highlight is no school, Christmas break.  And then comes the real fun of Christmas, gift exchanges with friends, hanging out at the Mall just to be seen with cool guys, popular girls and in new clothes.  And the gifts you want are so much more expensive.  No one forgets the lectures with “you want what” and “you are so much more spoiled than I was when I was your age.”  In your head, you are saying “yeah right” and hoping your face doesn't convey it.

Well, when adulthood comes, it is with the reality that Christmas, when you have children is once again about the children. Seeing the joy of a child’s face brings it all back, full circle.  As a grandmother, I see this once more.  And again, I am reminded not only of my children’s faces but once more of my own face all those years ago.  

I see much more though now at Christmas time as I have aged. I see the faces on TV, the faces on the news and faces of children on the

world that embrace Christmas.  It hits harder than it ever did before.  I pray for those children that get and have so little and ask for nothing.  Those that pray for a life, for parents, for safety, for a home and for water is heart-wrenching when so many have a material list a mile long. I believe, as children, they deserve that for Christmas.  I also believe, those being denied other things they want in their heart should have their wishes granted too.

Yes, these are not material things but neither was the girl’s wish on The Miracle on 34^th Street but everyone that watched it over and over stayed glued to the story line. We all had a sixth sense her Christmas wish was basic, a child’s need for happiness. 

Many people come from broken homes in this world. Many have lost family along the way.  My husband has lost his son and his mother.  One Christmas we spent alone in Nashville with no family here and he

sat beside me Christmas Eve while I got a chemo infusion. We came home to an empty house. The next day, Christmas I was sick in bed and he was alone in our home for Christmas with nothing to do to spend the day but sit quietly with the blinds drawn and keep noise at a minimum.  Christmas is sometimes just a day to fight to be alive to someone with a life threatening disease.  To be a survivor, the miracle of Christmas is being alive. 

So let’s not forget, as you open your presents circled around your

family that some are not quite as lucky as you.  Take a few minutes on  Christmas to bow your head around your tree to give others a silent prayer for God to touch their life on the 25^th with an added ray of hope, like the day Jesus was born.

 Many are born into a simple life, poor, less than desirable circumstances.  It could be as unfortunate as a barn, with only the hay to keep a baby warm and a North Star shining bright to light the sky and a manager as opposed to an incubator.  But prayers and the grace of God makes all things possible. With our prayers, we can turn simple child's dreams into reality and make Christmas wishes come true. 

Letting Go is Being Real

Our world is so convoluted with messages of having to look this way, beautiful beyond possible for most of us and having to be perfect in every way, the immaculate homemaker, always thoughtful spouse, thrifty shopper, most marketable employee, etc.   It makes it almost impossible to just do a reality check and accept yourself for who you are, letting all expectations of society by the wayside and be you!

Perhaps that is the message in the song Let It Go from Disney’s movie Frozen. When I read the lyrics and saw the video, it was a beautiful example of how someone who had to hide her non-conformity began to accept it.  In the video, the star character, embraced her individuality. What an inspirational message for all ages actually. 

When I am with my grand-daughter, who, coincidentally is in love with not only the movie but the theme song, I am always reminded of freedom of expression.  Ava does not hide behind a wall of shame for how she feels.  She does not fear retaliation for who she is and what she is becoming.  She, like the Elsa, wraps her tiny arms around herself as she is, at any given moment and celebrates the thrill of life. She will laugh throwing her head back and let out a laugh that comes from her toes. Her celebration of good humor is simply something to listen to because it causes everyone within earshot to split at the seams into laughter just from the musical sound of her laughing, with no reservation. She will laugh at herself as easily as at anyone. 

The messages consumers get, especially women, to always look your best are pounded in from an early age.  Commercial marketing is powerful. Ava is a party to this already, praising and loving little princesses. But, what is different about her is the gentle acceptance of herself. She can throw herself into a beautiful gown her mom can buy her and then, in the blink of any eye, tear it off and run around in the most unbecoming of items in the house without a single care in the world!  If anyone were to walk in, which has happened when I have been over visiting, does she react like most girls and run for cover?  Well, here she not in her girly best, pink or purple, matching clothes with a closet full of beautiful outfits but Ava has no concern whatsoever to greet anyone with whatever she happens to have on. Not for one minute would she hesitate to make a guest wait!  Ava is front and center with a friend or anyone that is a guest in her home. You must like her and accept her for who she is in the same way she will accept you, no labels allowed by this little lady! And she will greet everyone as friendly as the next person no matter who they are or what they have on!

Living in the moment is something too many of us do not do. I think it probably took having cancer for me to get a much better handle on this. My grand-daughter came of it naturally. I am not sure if having two autistic brothers has played a part or not but she treasures time spent with others.  If she gets a minute of your time, she inhales it like it is the best gift she has ever received.  Most children take it for granted. Not Ava, she will let you know in her own unique way that you made her day.  She will be engaging, entertaining and create a memory that will be everlasting. Why can’t we, as adults, embrace our interactions with others with this same passion?  We always seem to assume there will be another time, another visit, and another day.  We have no guarantees that this is going to happen. We should seize the moments as they come. Languish the time we have with each other. Give undivided attention when we are with someone we want to share out time with so that we are not wasting our moments or those.

So many people have thoughts running through their head that get in the way of listening.  These internal tapes also disallow people to sometimes take down their walls and be open to each other about who they are.   Conformity seems to be a top priority and the fear of rejection overrides being real with others.  Thus too often others put up a façade of who they are to project an image to gain acceptance. This is stress inducing, unhealthy and self-limiting.  You are who you are and should be proud of it!  Society needs to stimulate an environment more often than not that promotes this.  Once you celebrate your acceptance and openness of who you are, your own uniqueness, you open the door for others to be unrestricted as well.  Let go of your preconceived notions and the negative tape of others programming you.  This also means allow your children to be different to some extent.

I pray my grand-daughter can continue to accept her independence her entire life.  May she always have no self-consciousness about hugging herself for exactly who she is.  I know those of us that surround her are constantly reminded by her of the importance of staying true to living in the moment with Ava around, she will never let us forget it. 

We can see through her eyes a world filled with joy,things to celebrate! We can learn from her to forget what it is not.  With Ava, we celebrate little things that give color to the world, even weeds that look like flowers instead of complaining about all the 'have nots' in our lives, the people that won’t play with her, the brothers that have autism and can’t talk well to her.  She loves them dearly and would not trade them for anything or change one hair on their head.   From Ava we see a new way to laugh at the world, finding humor in the smallest of things, instead of being miserable when things don’t look right.  Yes, a little girl who's immediate reaction is always to smile followed by a laugh.

Most importantly of all, Ava is like the character Elsa at her tender age of 6. She is learning to take her image of being a little girl and letting it go.  She can be and is, whatever she wants to be. Stereo-types don't mean much to Ava.  She is modeling her mother and her father and all the other people in the world she comes in contact.    And she is being real about it.  And she doesn’t hide who she is but is right there, in your face.  I can run faster than boys, dance great with girls, and get over disappointments quickly.  

So are you?  Are you able to let go of preconceived notions of what the world wants you to be?  Are you able to be real with yourself, real honest, and throw out the old tapes in your head of other's expectations and accept yourself and be true to you?   Only when you can, can you find that inner sense of peace, love and happiness.  

Here is a slideshow of Ava to her current favorite song. Subject to change! Click here to view.

Step Back and Breathe

Ever notice how hard it is to pull back when someone you care about needs help and you want to help them?

Sometimes in life, those that are closest to us want to define what that aid is.  Their preference is to tell you what they want, not necessarily what they need. Big difference and often times, not a long-term solution but just a crutch for them, a temporary fix.  Through the trees in the forest, they may not even know what they need.  Even when we are in the midst of challenges we our our objectivity can slip away.  

Trying to give guidance to a loved one or dear friend when they are not receptive is frustrating.  It feels as if you are shouting above the ocean’s waves.  If your voice is heard, it may be met with anger, and  backfire.  They may see you an added stress especially if you are suggesting help they don't feel is what they need. 

As Christians, we are programmed to want to continue to reach out a hand of compassion to try to save a sinking ship, make someone’s life a little less painful.  We want to help others.  It is in our nature and it is what makes us human.  But we must define our limits. 

As a parent, I use to want to save my children growing pains by helping steer ‘their ship.’ I wanted to help them make decisions if it would save them major bumps in the road. I finally realized they didn't want my help with many of those. Actually, more often than not, they didn't need it either. Plus, some choices that aren't the best during the formidable years can be  learning lessons that stay with you for life.  They needed to experience that and gain the confidence in their own abilities to be a competent decision maker.  I was there for soften the fall. And just maybe there really is no gain without pain.

To some adult children, adulthood means no parental involvement in their lives at all.  Thus, they pull back from their parents at a time when the parents don’t want to be pulled back from.  No input needed, no output given. My friends and I have discussed this. Adulthood to them comes with a free pass to critique their parents’ parenting style and their parents as people.   All the efforts put forth in raising them are now put under scrutiny.  They fail to recognize the respect that is owed to elders, to parents but as life is truly short-lived, step away.  You can only live and control your life, not your kids, as it should be.

Kids, no matter the age, circle back around to their parents.  It is sad  that it takes some adults a serious illness or death of their parents to do so.  Being a cancer survivor, I can't understand not finding the time to bond with parents, no matter what the relationship is or was.  Closure should not be just because someone is leaving this earth and entering into heaven.   I suppose we all are a little bit guilty of getting caught up in our life and letting our elders get what is left of our time.  I think God is disappointed that a relationship has come down to a l courtesy call. 

On the flip side, some elderly parents want total independence, regardless of their mental or physical health condition.  This is the worst scenario to face for many adult children.  It feels somewhat disrespectful to say to a parent that they are incapable of caring for themselves.  But, reality is just that, their mental capacity is deteriorated and their health requires more hands on care than can be provided.  

As you try to reason with them, it is as if time has turned back and you have became the parent and they are the child. Rationalization is not working.  You try explaining the need and all they hear is the perception you are casting them aside like an empty useless bread basket.   One resolution after another you come up with is unsatisfactory.   And so the cycle continues, in reverse this time.  

Friends can misconstrue help also feeling as if it is owed to them.   After years of friendship, everyone should lend an ear to hear their woes over and over again.  Listening is one thing, asking for advice is another. But when it is repetitive, over and over again, that is over the boundary line.   We all know the type.   You give them your honest opinion, or not and yet, they keep calling and bringing the topic up and rehashing it over and over again.   Nothing changes until finally your caller ID spares you because you screen their calls. Being a friend does not mean you have to waste your time. Suggest getting a counselor or an action plan. If none is taken, pull back until they do.  You need a life too.   Don't be a codependent.  It reminds me of a man who asked me if I had a lighter at the hospital curb that was hooked up to oxygen and I said “Are you kidding me?”

We should not  overextend ourselves to the point where we are fulfilling others unhealthy bad habits. Kids have a tendency to want as much money as they can and all that money can buy.  Too bad it doesn't fall from the sky.  Giving in is not helping them appreciate working hard and appreciating the value of earning money and a work ethic.  It is far more important, if you truly want to help someone, to teach them how to be self-empowered to have a solution for their  problem than handing them one.  Self sufficiency is a beautiful blessed gift that is priceless.   

If this is met with criticism and someone just wants an easy out, perhaps you are helping someone who is not ready to be helped.  

Years ago, I was in a class with a woman in a counseling psychology class.  We had to tape all of our sessions.   We met at her house as she had the recording equipment there.  Early on she confided that her husband had been cheating on her.  Within weeks, her husband was home during our weekly sessions.   It was becoming uncomfortable as I was concerned he would overhear her talking.  Slowly the conversations began to turn and she admitted that she was cheating on him to get even. She then asked me to help her. She made it clear, at this point, that her idea of help was for me to sleep with her husband so that it would relieve her guilt as she was falling for the man she was now having an affair with.   Apparently, her husband had ended his affair when she had found out.   This was by far the strangest counseling situation I had ever been in and if allowed by my professor, I would have ran out of it!  

Needless to say, her idea of help was far different from mine. I urged counseling over and over again. If not marriage counseling, I told her she needed individual counseling. Don't ever change who you are or what you believe in to help anyone in dire need.  You can always pray from afar.  Some people that are in need don't even see it that way. I am not sure if she did or did not. I didn't stay around long enough to find out. 

You can keep the window open got others to talk to you perhaps,  but not the door. No one needs to be a doormat and get taken advantage of or stop living for the sake of someone down and out.  We are not responsible for others decisions with their life.   As I told my children, each person is given the right to make their own choices, provided it is not infringing on someone else’s freedoms.   We don’t have to like other people's choices but it is their right.  We don’t have to support them either.  We can give aid also,  but if it is repeatedly met with ungratefulness and no sign of recovery or positive steps towards improvement  we too can make a choice to discontinue the help..

Patience is a true virtue.  Time does change things, people and situations.  Plant a seed, let it

go,  and hope it grows.  I have seen children that were not in great situations turn out wonderful in later years.   I have seen the reverse as well.   Life is funny that way.   Just as important as helping others is recognizing and acting on when you should take a step back and let someone just be, even if it means the outcome might not be good.  Besides, you are not the predictor of the future.  None of us are. Just look at a bunch of baby pictures…hard to believe they all grow up and become someone’s mommy….

Perhaps this video {Click Here to View It} helps drives the point home that we are all different yet in many ways the same. Life comes at you fast and perhaps taking a hand someone offers you in assistance is worth considering from time to time. If it is smacked back, oh well, move on....