Marriage Can Work With Work

Marriage is a tricky proposition. Most people don’t know what exactly they are getting into when they sign the contract. With two simple words, I do, they are signing up for a lifetime commitment of spending potentially 24/7, at times, with someone.  Who can stand that much of anyone that, over years, may drive you possibly insane with their oddities that are so different and unique to them as yours are to you?

Given that, when my son remarried years ago, I had concerns for both him and his fiancé’s part that they their marriage would be able to withstand the pressures of life, time and whatever hardships would befall them.  They hadn't known each other long and had met in the service. Little did they know what was to come.

Over the years, this couple has had more mountains to climb than imaginable! There has been, to name a few, purchasing a business where the books had been inaccurate reflecting a much better financial image than was true, death of a dear grandfather, a mother diagnosed with cancer, a father dying of a cancer, a severe rift in the family and to top it all off, two children diagnosed with autism and a third child requiring some extra tutoring.   Along the way, the mother had to drop out of Nursing School where she was making straight A’s and using her GI Bill due to the children’s needs.

Watching this relationship develop has been fascinating! Gone is any sense of innocence of two young lovers and in its place is the growth and maturity of two very well equipped parents of special needs children.  These two actively provide and do whatever needs to be done to advance the health and the welfare of all three of their children. They also are certain the kids have opportunities to particulate in stimulating extra-curricular activities. The amazing progress of their children (aged, 7,5 &4), which shocks positively everyone that knows these kids, is reflective of the parenting and the push for the best therapy out there. The support at home reinforces it.

The success of my son’s business has flourished due to having developed a good stable home front and marriage most certainly coupled with hard knocks boss experience.  He makes a mistake one time, and never makes it again! This portion of their relationship has been imperative as this has allowed for the therapy for the children. Right alongside my son, his wife has been supportive in any way she can to help his business thrive, filling in when need be and being a sounding board at times.  However, she is so careful to enforce a boundary line between work and family.   Wise beyond her years in this area, it has allowed for a healthy home life and the stress of work to not affect the children in any way.

These two have had a great deal thrown at them but have stayed steadfast towards a goal.  They will make their relationship work, no matter how much garbage hits the fan!  I tried to teach my children putting achievable goals in your sights, taking steps towards it and jumping over hurdles, one at a time, is possible. No one will knock them down for you! Positive attitude gets you farther in life than a hand-out.  It is so rewarding to see my son and his wife play that theory out in reality.

My husband and I are proud of this marriage and feel it shows to those that know them what large hurdles can be. It exemplifies also how to approach them and overcome them.   Too much time in life is wasted waiting for a hand out that is never, for most folks going to come.   Don’t begrudge a system that doesn't work in your favor.  Find a way to make it work, dig in.   Complaining is counter-productive.  Surround yourself with people who believe in you and have your family be those that love you unconditionally, not people that judge you and put you down.   It is up to each of us to create our own plan in life and execute it.

God is on your side and gave you the tools to do it. Tap into your faith, your own reservoir and do so. Mike, my son and Rebekah, my daughter-in-law have taken what has been to many, reasons to crash and burn and used it to not just persevere but rise above.  It also has given them the insight to know life is about hard work.  Also the realization that relationships that take work sometimes are the ones that  you fight for, you work hard at and maintain the ties no matter what happens and are easily the most rewarding. 

Perhaps this is one of the strongest messages of Jesus’s journey. Leading a Christian life and making those kind of choices has its price. We must follow our gut, our intuition, what feels right, even if it offends and alienates others who are unwilling to accept and allow us to use our freewill.

This marriage has sustained because it is full of romance also, the commitment to each other no matter what befalls their life, be it work, their children, their friends, their outer family.  From the first time my son brought Rebekah to our home, there were smiles and laughter between these two. That quality remains.  I don’t know the dark side of the

relationship, the issues that every marriage has. I am the mom, do I need to know?  Nope, I am here for the loving support, the cheerleader!  I know what I see, what I feel, what I sense when I am there and hear in their voices.   They complete each other.  

I love my daughter-in-law and so does my husband. We consider her our family as much as our grandchildren and Mike.  She has been there for us in so many ways and just as her relationship with our son has grown, her relationship with us has as well.  

Dating time has never lost its place on the family calendar.   And it shows. They have always made trips, weekend getaways, movie-dinner dates, parties with friends, etc, minus children a part of their memories.  It is clear their devotion to each other first and foremost in order to provide the most loving home for the children.  Role models for a healthy marriage and a Christian home begins with the parents.   Their happiness filters to the children, thus these children are happen.    

 As you watch the video that follows you will see through the pictures the love and its enduring strength that molds and holds them together.   May it serve as a reminder to you that when faced with adversity, work through it with faith and determination and never let go of good love!  Infact, fight for it!  

Click here to View Video

Adult Children Still need Anchors on Earth

There is no rule book when a child grows up and becomes an adult how to have a relationship with an adult child. And yet, the mothers, they always remain in their hearts, their babies. And yet, they are not a child anymore, they are a self-sufficient, self-supporting adults no longer requiring their moms and dads to be in that same role they played for so many years. 

At times, this is an easy transition, for either a mother or a dad. Letting loose, living your life free of the responsibilities of parenting sound fun and carefree. But this change can be emotionally hard. When the road gets rocky, or when parents construe their adult children making mistakes in judgment that are going to cost them down the road, let’s face it, as parents they want to jump and give their two cents But these are different times, their children have different dynamics as a family and their children are unique.  They deserve the freedom and the confidence to be their problem solvers.   Rule one, butt out! It helps keep the peace.  Reality, interference will be reprimanded. Some adult children won’t see the love behind it and will resent their parents for trying to right a wrong.

As children, many of us raised our children in a Christian home that mandated going to church regularly.  Their anchor, you taught, was their faith in God, their family and all else fell behind that.  At a certain age, it is hard to watch but they may very well fall away from the church. This is so normal. But, when families begin to grow and little children come to the forefront, things change.  Many come back to their Christian beginnings where they were fostered in their faith.  They often times, begin the path of leading their children to Jesus.  Be patient.  God has a plan for these children of God, they were only given to their parents for a short time.

Trying to give marital advice can be detrimental big time.  Their marriage is sacred and must come before all others.   Confiding in parents is only presenting one view of the issues.  Giving advice is not input from an expert.   This puts their parents in a vicarious position, accepting the responsibility again of their adult children’s success or failure of something bigger than a Band-Aid fix.  The bias of a parent can’t be removed from input also.  Encourage counseling and communication and if they need help, let them seek out others.  Parents get burnt by getting involved!  They are not children. Ultimately, they want the respect of their parents as are now adults so treat them that way.  Rule 1, butt out.

It is hard not being in the know in their lives.  Many parents struggle with this. When children are young, mothers in particular are the master schedulers, the project managers of their children’s life.  Now the role is on the sidelines.  Most weeks Mon.-Fri. is a mystery unless a parent is told in advance by a grandchild!  In today’s world, adult children are leading hectic busy lives. It is hard to get everything done let alone keep their parents current with the timeline of their lives.  They tell their parents when they are out of time; keep them updated on news items and when they need to be where.  Be grateful for these snippets. It is like the song Cats in the Cradle in a way, leading busy lives is what was taught. Now it is playing out in their lives.  They are what they were taught.

What role is it a parent plays in an adult child’s life, friend or parent or both? How to know which direction to go?  This is tricky.  As they say, untie your apron strings, unless baking cookies. No longer are there curfews to be held over anyone’s head nor holding up car keys as punishment, or cutting back allowance.  The priority in their life is not their parents and it shouldn’t be. It does not mean the love is not there.  Now they put their own immediate family first, as they were taught behind their faith.  Extended family and then friends are next in line as important in their lives.  In the family category is also ‘chosen family’ which indeed includes friends. Some friends are as endearing as or more endearing than family.

Ironic that now the parents have the time and the desire to put a great deal more time into the relationship with their children and their child, now an adult simply does not have the time. It isn’t as if the adult child does not have the desire as they know their parent is aging and time is in shorter supply but time is not always a best friend. But, the parents can look at Facebook, hear updates on phone calls and reflect on families visits and see how rich their lives are.   This is what you raised them for, to have a blessed life.  Knowing this is a comfort and on a lonely day, this is important to remember.  Be grateful they are letting you share in it when they can.  Know the time frame doesn’t represent the love. 

Know that you will never stop being parents in a child’s eyes. In some far recesses of their mind, they feel it.  They may not even like it, they may hate their parent, disown them, and defy them but God chose their parent for a reason and they will always remain bonded.  That fact can’t be changed.  Obviously it is healthier if the relationship is a positive one. When in need for someone to fall upon, it is comforting to know a relationship that has been mutually fostered with your parent though-out all the years, keeps that unconditional love alive.  The adult child can always tap into it when in need. 

The past is over.  Embrace the now. The sooner it is done, the better for all.    Social media is a great source of information also.  Check it out and get with the times.   It is a new world and change is good.  Live in today’s world so that adult children can feel good about the relationship that is continuing to develop with their parents.  It should continue to grow and develop.

The best part about prosperous adult children is sitting back and seeing the legacy at work.  When parents are together with them, know it was a conscious choice to make time to be with their parents. Feel the love in the air and remember the feeling from all those years ago.  It is different in ways, being with your adult child; the child has grown but is now fostering those feelings into their own children. The love and bonding between parent and child is still felt, though at any age.  Cherish it, even now. See, some things really never do go away.  Parents are still the anchor right behind God.    This Link has some of my fav photos to 1 of my fav songs

  

Step Back and Breathe

Ever notice how hard it is to pull back when someone you care about needs help and you want to help them?

Sometimes in life, those that are closest to us want to define what that aid is.  Their preference is to tell you what they want, not necessarily what they need. Big difference and often times, not a long-term solution but just a crutch for them, a temporary fix.  Through the trees in the forest, they may not even know what they need.  Even when we are in the midst of challenges we our our objectivity can slip away.  

Trying to give guidance to a loved one or dear friend when they are not receptive is frustrating.  It feels as if you are shouting above the ocean’s waves.  If your voice is heard, it may be met with anger, and  backfire.  They may see you an added stress especially if you are suggesting help they don't feel is what they need. 

As Christians, we are programmed to want to continue to reach out a hand of compassion to try to save a sinking ship, make someone’s life a little less painful.  We want to help others.  It is in our nature and it is what makes us human.  But we must define our limits. 

As a parent, I use to want to save my children growing pains by helping steer ‘their ship.’ I wanted to help them make decisions if it would save them major bumps in the road. I finally realized they didn't want my help with many of those. Actually, more often than not, they didn't need it either. Plus, some choices that aren't the best during the formidable years can be  learning lessons that stay with you for life.  They needed to experience that and gain the confidence in their own abilities to be a competent decision maker.  I was there for soften the fall. And just maybe there really is no gain without pain.

To some adult children, adulthood means no parental involvement in their lives at all.  Thus, they pull back from their parents at a time when the parents don’t want to be pulled back from.  No input needed, no output given. My friends and I have discussed this. Adulthood to them comes with a free pass to critique their parents’ parenting style and their parents as people.   All the efforts put forth in raising them are now put under scrutiny.  They fail to recognize the respect that is owed to elders, to parents but as life is truly short-lived, step away.  You can only live and control your life, not your kids, as it should be.

Kids, no matter the age, circle back around to their parents.  It is sad  that it takes some adults a serious illness or death of their parents to do so.  Being a cancer survivor, I can't understand not finding the time to bond with parents, no matter what the relationship is or was.  Closure should not be just because someone is leaving this earth and entering into heaven.   I suppose we all are a little bit guilty of getting caught up in our life and letting our elders get what is left of our time.  I think God is disappointed that a relationship has come down to a l courtesy call. 

On the flip side, some elderly parents want total independence, regardless of their mental or physical health condition.  This is the worst scenario to face for many adult children.  It feels somewhat disrespectful to say to a parent that they are incapable of caring for themselves.  But, reality is just that, their mental capacity is deteriorated and their health requires more hands on care than can be provided.  

As you try to reason with them, it is as if time has turned back and you have became the parent and they are the child. Rationalization is not working.  You try explaining the need and all they hear is the perception you are casting them aside like an empty useless bread basket.   One resolution after another you come up with is unsatisfactory.   And so the cycle continues, in reverse this time.  

Friends can misconstrue help also feeling as if it is owed to them.   After years of friendship, everyone should lend an ear to hear their woes over and over again.  Listening is one thing, asking for advice is another. But when it is repetitive, over and over again, that is over the boundary line.   We all know the type.   You give them your honest opinion, or not and yet, they keep calling and bringing the topic up and rehashing it over and over again.   Nothing changes until finally your caller ID spares you because you screen their calls. Being a friend does not mean you have to waste your time. Suggest getting a counselor or an action plan. If none is taken, pull back until they do.  You need a life too.   Don't be a codependent.  It reminds me of a man who asked me if I had a lighter at the hospital curb that was hooked up to oxygen and I said “Are you kidding me?”

We should not  overextend ourselves to the point where we are fulfilling others unhealthy bad habits. Kids have a tendency to want as much money as they can and all that money can buy.  Too bad it doesn't fall from the sky.  Giving in is not helping them appreciate working hard and appreciating the value of earning money and a work ethic.  It is far more important, if you truly want to help someone, to teach them how to be self-empowered to have a solution for their  problem than handing them one.  Self sufficiency is a beautiful blessed gift that is priceless.   

If this is met with criticism and someone just wants an easy out, perhaps you are helping someone who is not ready to be helped.  

Years ago, I was in a class with a woman in a counseling psychology class.  We had to tape all of our sessions.   We met at her house as she had the recording equipment there.  Early on she confided that her husband had been cheating on her.  Within weeks, her husband was home during our weekly sessions.   It was becoming uncomfortable as I was concerned he would overhear her talking.  Slowly the conversations began to turn and she admitted that she was cheating on him to get even. She then asked me to help her. She made it clear, at this point, that her idea of help was for me to sleep with her husband so that it would relieve her guilt as she was falling for the man she was now having an affair with.   Apparently, her husband had ended his affair when she had found out.   This was by far the strangest counseling situation I had ever been in and if allowed by my professor, I would have ran out of it!  

Needless to say, her idea of help was far different from mine. I urged counseling over and over again. If not marriage counseling, I told her she needed individual counseling. Don't ever change who you are or what you believe in to help anyone in dire need.  You can always pray from afar.  Some people that are in need don't even see it that way. I am not sure if she did or did not. I didn't stay around long enough to find out. 

You can keep the window open got others to talk to you perhaps,  but not the door. No one needs to be a doormat and get taken advantage of or stop living for the sake of someone down and out.  We are not responsible for others decisions with their life.   As I told my children, each person is given the right to make their own choices, provided it is not infringing on someone else’s freedoms.   We don’t have to like other people's choices but it is their right.  We don’t have to support them either.  We can give aid also,  but if it is repeatedly met with ungratefulness and no sign of recovery or positive steps towards improvement  we too can make a choice to discontinue the help..

Patience is a true virtue.  Time does change things, people and situations.  Plant a seed, let it

go,  and hope it grows.  I have seen children that were not in great situations turn out wonderful in later years.   I have seen the reverse as well.   Life is funny that way.   Just as important as helping others is recognizing and acting on when you should take a step back and let someone just be, even if it means the outcome might not be good.  Besides, you are not the predictor of the future.  None of us are. Just look at a bunch of baby pictures…hard to believe they all grow up and become someone’s mommy….

Perhaps this video {Click Here to View It} helps drives the point home that we are all different yet in many ways the same. Life comes at you fast and perhaps taking a hand someone offers you in assistance is worth considering from time to time. If it is smacked back, oh well, move on....

Your Son Is Gone But Free

Do you ever get over missing a son,

Wishing the past could be undone?

Do you ever get rid of that empty stare,

That reveals the pain that you bare?

At first you are in a trance,

Going through the motions,

Trying to just get through day to day,

While others are giving you devotions.

No amount of words from others,

No amount of praying,

Can help the upper lip from quivering,

The stoic faith you had is fraying.

Your images of your son,

Are only memories from the past.

He is gone from this earth,

So don’t let those fade fast.

It‘s hard not to question why,

It’s even hard to cry,

But as the world goes on,

You know you mustn’t come undone.

  

Reflection is powerful,

It helps us move on,

It may not provide all the answers,

But it allows the soul to look to a new dawn.

Things happen for a reason,

He is in a far better place,

He has been given God’s grace.

You wonder silently,

Did your son’s life matter to others

Like it mattered to you,

Or is because he’s yours,

That when you hear his name,

You feel your heart is torn in two.

  

But you know inside,

Yes, he fulfilled God’s plan,

Your son’s life touched others,

He had become a troubled man.

Not everyone chooses the high road,

Not everyone gets an easy way out,

Some have to pay for their bad choices,

And some are just always shrouded in doubt.

He is at peace,

I know you see him here and there,

But I also see your pain when you look in the distance,

When I see that blank empty sad stare.

Always a Mother, Sometimes an Outcast

I find it fascinating to compare stories with other women that have adult children. I am not sure at what age the parameters of the relationship change, but everyone agrees, it does change.

No longer are you, the mom, consulted on major decisions. Infact, it is more likely that news is dropped on you like an atomic bomb. With no advance warning, you are told things like “I am getting married; I am buying a new house; I am pregnant, I want to get divorced.” There is usually no precursor to the news flash it is just blurted out. Young adults simply want their moms to say “That is great, I am happy for you” even if you are thinking “Oh no, what a bad move!”

During the formative years, teens, kids chose frequently to alienate their parents. Their parents epitomize ‘ uncoolness’. For some reason, moms think, when they their children graduate from high school, this stage will end and this attitude will also. Sometimes it does, but more often, it does not. This then becomes even more hurtful as mothers are first dealing with the empty nest syndrome and are now even less kept in the loop of what is going on in children’s lives. No matter what age a child becomes, they still, in the eyes of the moms, are a child.

I think adult children see it differently though. A friend recently said, “Thank goodness for facebook! I can know learn what is going on in my children’s lives. Before facebook, I sat waiting for the phone to ring. “How sad is it that, after all the years of sacrifice, parents are left sitting waiting on their adult children to find time to call them?

A lot of my friends complain that their opinions are not sought out anymore at all by their adult children. When they give their viewpoinjts, whether it be verbally or by today’s main course of communication, email, the advice is met with anger. The adult children today perceive this input as interference in their live and unsolicited advice they do not want nor respect. It is fine to give adult children money when they hit hard times and need it but it is a totally different scenario when it comes to giving advice. The advice can be the death kiss to a relationship. 

Amazing that all those years of changing diapers, taking children to sports events, and holding hands and broken hearts lead to this, a feeling, at times, as if a parent is a stranger and on the sidelines of their adult children’s lives. Any interjection on your part, as the parent, in particular moms, is met with animosity so you slowly learn to pull back and just totally keep opinions to yourself and learn to deal with the hurt.

A good illustration of this is was from my daughter in law recently. She said via text to my phone when it came to mothers in her life and support, “I don’t ask or need anyone’s advice.” When did this happen? That a young mother needs no one else’s input? It is not a far stretch to say inputs from elders is not respected nor considered good advice. Otherwise, why would so many young adults turn away from loving advice given with nothing but a desire to help, not enabling advice but just input.

I guess it is a lot like riding a bike. As a young parent, we had to let go and watch our children go down the street eventually, on their own, all the while praying they don’t fall. They looked to us for training, and then looked at us to celebrate their great ride on the bike and for input on how to stay on. But, in life, when they are on the ride, if and when they fall, as all of us have some failures, it all changes, even with the adult child. All of the sudden, the first person they want to call is a parent. It is as if the emotional distance was nothing more than an illusion. But when it comes to all else, stay put and stay out. It is like they all belong to a club and you are forbidden to join.

Every parent I know with adult children gets called when there are troubles in their children’s lives or, if they have things to boast about. Our role as a parent is to be called upon only in these circumstances. Our adult children are more diplomatic in rejecting advice as they get older , but it is still a rejection. Too often we are silenced and told our opinions are not valued. It is seen simply as interference that is unwarranted. I admit there are those that do have adult children that seek out their parents advice for their honest viewpoints. This appears to not be the norm, in my circle. Either that or I am hanging with the wrong group of friends!

Whatever happened to the sentiment in the past, elders were, without question, given respect? In days gone by, hearing an occasional no or constructive criticism was a parent’s way of showing love and concern. A close friend of mine, years ago, left her job and her family to care for her elderly dying grandfather. In the worst of circumstances, as he lay on his death bed, she recants all the lessons in life she learned from him. She never stopped believing he, her grandfather, had knowledge and wisdom and she wanted to tap into while he was still alive. Yet, when it came to her own daughter, as soon as she grew up, it is as if her own mother was denied access to her inner circle. What a shock to a mother who spent her living as a living role model to family unity.

The generation of adult children only wants to hear affirmation for everything they decide to do. They want a world with resounding yeses to everything they do, nothing but positive affirmation. When, in reality feedback, positive and negative, provides insight and growth opportunities.

How odd too that the adult child seeks out other’s opinions that they are not related to but won’t listen to their own parents. In my case, I have many young friends who frequently like to use me as a sounding board for their lives, much more so than my own children. These young people will listen with an open mind. Those relationships often seem as strong if not stronger than those with my biological children.

I am not alone in this observation. The premise of this viewpoint is something many have shared with me over the years. Input into life’s decisions are valued and sought out by young adults but just not by our children. Somehow parents have become an obligatory call, when things are going well and a sounding board only when things are going major array.

It makes me wonder about the future. No one lives forever, parents that are here today could be gone tomorrow. When they die, all that is not expressed dies with them. Too many people my age wish they had one more day, one more conversation with their deceased parent. They long for the honest open dialogue they will never have. And yet, all around me, I see young people that just take it for granted their parents will always be there. The relationships they are forming are based on solely what their needs are, not on what their parents need and want in the relationship. Honest feedback is constructive and does not demonstrate parents wanting to meddle in lives but perhaps something greater, love and a better understanding of part of who they are. Once a parent is gone, the question will never get the chance to be asked. Open the door while you still can. Embrace your parents, they need and want that and yes, at the end of the day, miss it.