Perfectly Flawed

Whoever really fits in, if their honest with everyone around them 100% of the time?  Each individual has idiosyncrasies, it is just some are more obvious than others. And yet, so many form who they   What happens to those who feel flawed inside, willing to admit it and yet are unaccepted because of it?  What damage is done to these individuals in society? Are they embraced or belittled?

choose to associate with and accept in their inner circle as those who have a clone set of norms that are deemed “popular” or “acceptable”.

Dan was adopted at the age of 10 days old to a military family stationed in Texas. It was a working couple unable to have children excited to have a child. He was a cute Hispanic boy with no health problems.  He lived a normal childhood, attending private elementary school, raised in a Christian family, an avid basketball player and known for being more of an introvert.  Friday nights were known as Pizza night at the Bronold’s house.

Dan, in some ways, is no different than so many other young men’s stories of today. Constant pressure to fit in, doubts about being loved based on knowing a mother gave him up as a baby and then being belittled for other attributes others saw as short comings. 

Within his family, he was given love, support and direction. What he chose was to listen to the doubts he had and the wrong crowd labeling him with negative connotations verses how his family was trying to bring him up. He became misguided as he was pulled towards the wrong crowd encouraging him as they were more accepting of him and he was sensitive to wanting acceptance.  Thus began a spiral of ups with more downs.

Dan’s life of 33 years touched many.  At a Celebration of Life, in a room overflowing, people were there of all walks of life, all ages to celebrate the goodness of a man, his contribution, his hardships and his laughter. He had a father who spoke of all the memories of a child and a man that brought goodness in the world and not of a hateful person or one that was worthy of being outcast because people didn’t understand Dan’s differences.

The sadness in the large ballroom that day was over what was lost, all that Dan could have been.  There were memories everyone there could have shared and were never going to experience. Expressed by some in small circles were the persecution he suffered for far too many years. There was also disappointment felt that day that he had given up on himself, feeling his value was so low that he made the decision to make poor choices when his value was so high. Everyone was committed to making his life continue to have far greater purpose and let Dan know putting others down will never win in the end.

Flawed human beings are all of us, they are you, me, they are the ones you will never meet. The lessons of Dan’s life is continuing to impact countless human beings, most of all those that knew him, loved him and spent time with him or heard his story. His memorial fund, The Dan Bronold Memorial Fund helps teens at risk every year change directions and families know acceptance matters. Everyone who hears his story recognizes bad choices can be corrected if caught early and if left alone, have dire consequences. Time putting others down is wrong on every level; it does not make the world a better place. It ruins lives and destroys futures. It is not something seen or heard or felt on the outside but deeps impacts the inside of an individual. It erodes emotionally a person’s self-worth.  It has a far reaching destruction; ugly words can be catastrophic yet are so callously thrown around these days in schools, work places and yes even by adults in social settings and neighborhoods. In the meantime, thousands of adults sit around blaming youth for hate and meanness in society.

Acceptance of the flaws of others is mandatory for a civilization to prosper well and have kindness and authenticity. Dan now knows his flaws were designed by God. Don't wait till it is too late to learn this lesson. When you find yourself the butt of gossip by others for being less than perfect, remember you are perfectly flawed and not hopeless. Know they are flawed also, simply unwilling to share it or admit it, just feel perhaps more arrogant to put down yours.  Know that there is an angel in heaven named Dan with a smirk on his face 😂.  Those of us that knew Dan  well remember it clearly; he is looking down on you that are slightly out of step with encouragement to move forward with your life with unbridled passion!

• If you would like to donate to the Dan Bronold Memorial Fund, please send to:

Midcourse Correction Camp

Attn: Dan Bronold Memorial Fund

833 E. Grand River Ave

Howell, MI  48843
 E. Grand River Ave. Howell, Michigan 43833 E. Grand River Ave. Howell, Michigan 48843

https://www.midcoursecorrection.org/

Facing Death Taught Me...

1) Big Girls Do Cry and sometimes it is okay to be damn proud of it. Holding in feelings can destroy

you. It’s so cathartic to let them out and it’s very healing. We don’t have to wear our emotions on our

sleeve but we have a right, men and women to express our emotions. Passion and sensitivity is a gift. My older sister use to tell me when I was a little girl that I was blessed with sensitivity. Most of my life, I saw it as a curse. Many times, even my kids, have teased me for it unless they needed it tapped into towards them, their hurts and hurdles through life. Crying is part of life, Jesus cried. Let the tears flow, happy tears, sad tears, and moving tears.

2) As Milton Berle said and the first thing I saw on my first day of chemo on a sign next to my chair, “Laughter is an instant vacation” and we all need an escape. You can’t laugh without smiling and smiling puts you in a happy mood and others. Smile frequently and laugh as well. If you find yourself with others that can’t take smiles and laughter, maybe you are in a down crowd. Life is meant to be enjoyed not dreaded.

3) Little moments in life are those to be cherished the most. When you are flat on your back, your goals are simple, walk to the mailbox at the end of the driveway. Be able to eat a meal. Watch a movie from start to finish without falling asleep. Too often we are so busy and so easily disappointed because we can’t travel to Europe, buy the hot car, or put the kids in everything they want to be involved in that we forget about simple things that truly matter. I was reminded of the joy of decorating cookies for Christmas, you are never too old to use colored icing on cookies and have bragging rights! Kids love it so try doing this instead of taking kids shopping for new toys. Sit on the porch with a new book instead of going on a shopping spree. Take the kids out to feed the ducks crackers and watch your kids go from being scared to you being frightened by how close the children go to the wild animals!

4). Forgive those that have trespassed against us. Harboring ill feelings and not letting go of what you can’t control is like a cancer growing inside of you. However, give yourself permission to divorce drama from your life. I learned to take a personal inventory of those around me. Evaluate who is bringing value to you, who is building you up and accepting you for who you are and making you feel good as a person. If they are not, as much as you may love them and cherish them, you need to consider letting them go. Life is about loving others, but also about loving you. If someone is constantly badgering you or subtly putting you down and making you feel less of yourself, this is not a good way to finish out your life. You must be whole and be able to give to those who love you the love you have for yourself. That love won’t be complete without wholeness inside.

5) Hold to your belief system. If others shun you for staying true, perhaps they are not meant in your inner circle. God created us uniquely but with a goal for us to attempt to follow in his footsteps. Our perception of those footsteps may vary and we may be at different steps in the journey than others. If others are lagging behind, don’t allow yourself to be pulled back into an unhealthy unjust unholy place. Evil and contempt breeds unhappiness and resentment. Always maintain your character, integrity and values. Christianity and faith must be your stronghold and foundation.

6) Life leads to death. And death leads to life, life everlasting. It is imperative that you stay on the path of faith, prayer and development of your Christian journey for you know not when it ends. It is so much easier to accept your death and others that will die before you if you have reached some sort of acceptance and understanding of the passage of this life to the next. It also aids in helping those

around you to accept yours. Peace will come with our crossing over if we have faith in God, in Jesus’s words. But to truly comprehend we must continue and be committed to a higher level of our spiritual development. This is defined by each of us differently. But in each of us, it must be a higher priority. I have faced the reality of my mortality and accepted it.

  

Savor Your Loves

Wistful week, reflective moments. While sitting outside with Charley last night, a neighbor walked by with her little dog. She wanted to greet him and he began barking his head off. As she pulled back on the lead, backing off from him in fear, her doggie lurched forward fearless of the dog outweighing him by well over 90 lbs.  Thus began our conversation and the fears we face in life.

Maria was her name. Her husband was diagnosed with dementia 5 years ago. It was not that gut wrenching to her and the family at first as she had lived a rich full life with him and thought it would be a slow long progression downhill. She was fully committed to taking care of him herself, as so many are.  Over the years, the dementia progressed and went somewhere over the line into Alzheimer’s and many thought she was nuts for taking care of him herself.

Maria had baby gates put up so he would not leave the house in the middle of the night. Living in a gated community surrounded by concerned neighbors helped.  She slept on one side of a barricade to keep a constant vigil on him the last two years incase he awakened and needed her. Those years were full of late night walks when he felt he was called to duty by the police force and needed to patrol the streets again.  When driving her car, to him everyone looked like a potential criminal and should be arrested. She would have to have him sit on his hands so he would not grab the steering wheel and pull over to make an arrest like he had for some 30+ years on the police force.  

The day finally came, when diapers, speech and body functions were making it impossible to care for her beloved husband any longer so she was forced to put him in an assisted living center. Within days, he suffered 3 strokes, and within 2 weeks he was dead. She said, perhaps the way he wanted it. He preferred being at home with her. So now, he is waiting in heaven for her return, this time to greet her with his faculties all back in check.

Bob died May 17^th, 18 days ago. Here we were, standing in the street, just beyond my driveway, talking at the sun was going down as if it was any other day. And yet, the conversation was heavy in some ways. I listened as she shared. When she learned I have a great deal of experience being around folks dying of cancer, she asked me questions. We discussed these together as it is more important she come to her own conclusions than mine.

Amazing how, in one conversation, you both can get a renewed faith in God, yourself and human resilience from others you barely know.  Bonds are formed that quickly, by a human connection. We can change each other’s life that quickly and leave an indelible mark on each other in life.  And life is short-lived.  Life is a cycle and there is no denying part of life is dying. And then returning home.

Today, I was in a melancholy mood. As we sat waiting for the vet to see our dog, a man pulled out front with his car, right outside the front door. He came around to the passenger side and gently lifted his dog, a golden retriever mix out of the front seat gently laying her, on her front legs on the pavement. Someone opened the door and he picked his dog back up placing it inside and holding her.

Everyone watched and yet did not watch. The room was silent, the dog was silent, the man was motionless, his face was expressionless yet it was clear what was to come. The dog was in bad shape. No one said a word, not any of the dogs, or the office staff. We all sat there praying he was called back first, praying our dog wouldn’t ever be in that spot and yet knowing surely they all would, one day.

He was called back, and just as gently lifted his dog up and went into the room. You could have heard a pin drop. When he left, the door slowly opened. I caught a glimpse of his beloved pet lying on the soft blanket the vet had laying on a cushion to help make the floor softer. How thoughtful for the last bed the doggie would lay on. I couldn’t bear to give the doggie but a glance because I wanted to think in my mind of that gorgeous dog, jumping, barking, licking kids’ faces and such, as dogs are meant to do. 

The man’s eyes caught mine, just for a split second, and then we both looked away from each other. He had been crying. He quickly wiped away a tear. And walked out of there ever so quickly, back to his car and then just sat there. I know a piece of his heart was breaking just as Maria was at the loss of her husband. 

The cycle of life is hard to comprehend at times but teaches all of us about the mysteries of faith. Why it is important to savor the times we have with loved ones and not take them for granted. He started up his car and pulled away. He will start a new chapter.  Maria said to me she is redoing parts of her house as she must rebuild her life, alone. We are given another day to live. Until we aren’t, embrace your life and those you love, fully and completely. 

Your Son Is Gone But Free

Do you ever get over missing a son,

Wishing the past could be undone?

Do you ever get rid of that empty stare,

That reveals the pain that you bare?

At first you are in a trance,

Going through the motions,

Trying to just get through day to day,

While others are giving you devotions.

No amount of words from others,

No amount of praying,

Can help the upper lip from quivering,

The stoic faith you had is fraying.

Your images of your son,

Are only memories from the past.

He is gone from this earth,

So don’t let those fade fast.

It‘s hard not to question why,

It’s even hard to cry,

But as the world goes on,

You know you mustn’t come undone.

  

Reflection is powerful,

It helps us move on,

It may not provide all the answers,

But it allows the soul to look to a new dawn.

Things happen for a reason,

He is in a far better place,

He has been given God’s grace.

You wonder silently,

Did your son’s life matter to others

Like it mattered to you,

Or is because he’s yours,

That when you hear his name,

You feel your heart is torn in two.

  

But you know inside,

Yes, he fulfilled God’s plan,

Your son’s life touched others,

He had become a troubled man.

Not everyone chooses the high road,

Not everyone gets an easy way out,

Some have to pay for their bad choices,

And some are just always shrouded in doubt.

He is at peace,

I know you see him here and there,

But I also see your pain when you look in the distance,

When I see that blank empty sad stare.

A Simple Man-Wade Ketterman

Don’t seem like long ago t’all that I met my mom’s old man. Gee, he had more wrinkles on his face than bees on a honeycomb! Damn near would scare a baby! But he had one heck of a kind smile. You know, one of that there kind that just makes you feel right there at home in a minute.

Wade was his name. I found out real quick he was a simple man with a big ole heart. And boy, did he love my ma. He would have to a heck of a lot to put up with her ways. That woman is on a constant PMS like nobody! And yet, steady ready Wade is always there with a calm presence to even out her high strung ways.

Yep, I met him just a few short years ago but feel like I known that dude forever. We hit it off right there quick as an eye. Me being a city girl, we sure didn’t no nothing in common. It took me no time at all to learn his ways, talking like he does, well it was a whole lot easier than trying to come up with them big words and complicated sentences. And Wade, heck, he was never impressed by silly things like that, heck, he didn’t even understand them. They would be met with “Huh, whatcha say?”

Ya gotta love his simple approach to life. He loved God, country, family and friends. There ain’t no particular order I don’t think cuz he loved them all just as much. I think last on his list was himself. He put all before him. See, he had lived a life, when he was a young fellow and I gather done some things he wasn’t too damn proud of. So, he I suppose made a pact with God, if he promised to be good and be a changed man, he could bide some more time on this green earth. There he was…pure, simple at heart, good man.

I remember my sis talking bout how one time he came down for a visit. Hell, his idea of vacation was cleaning her yard up. She went to work boasting how she had a pool boy at the house, oh, minus the watering hole. That is, until the call came from the cops. Yep, seems ole Wade decided to burn the trash in the backyard . Hey, in the country, his times, why wait on a trash truck to pick up your junk? He found some old tires in the garage and I think maybe an old battery and in the fire it went. Oh, apparently the neighbors got a whiff and boy, they hit the phone lickety split. Hell, I still don’t think the old man knew what the heck he did wrong. Terri got called to hit the road home and take care of matters. When she saw his face, looking like somebody hit him in the beer gut with a baseball, she didn’t have the heart to yeller at him. So she simply told him that no more fires Wade around here. He didn’t like it but he understood. Besides, the garbage was done burned. So, he thought to himself, hell, why would I need to burn anymore fires silly girl!

He had a best friend, somebody else sides his Angel, the dog. This bud was named Floyd, my momma’s brother. I don’t even know when these two became friends but man, could you feel the bond between the two of them. Strong as the wind blows over the plains on a stormy day. Next to my mom, I reckon Wade loved Clyde more than anybody. He was like the brother Wade never had. Clyde stood by Wade’s side when the going got tough and everyone else had something better to do than see a man on his last leg. Not Floyd, he was there. And Wade, with his last breath, never ever took it for granted either. I remember sitting with Wade or talking on the phone with him and him bringing up Clyde’s name many a time. I asked him one day, “You love my Uncle Floyd like a brother don’t ya?’ and he replied, “You know I do.” Yep, I did. I could feel it.


My sis Terri and I went up to see Wade shortly after his doc gave him the crummy news. He had the C word, and boy was that the pits. Our momma acted like she was not sure what the heck was going on. Wow, we wondered what the future would look like for sweet Wade and our momma that dreaded being alone. Yeah, she never been alone before. We tried to tell Wade he had to be concerned about himself now, his body needed him to tend to it, just like he tended to his garden but we think he would let the weeds go as long as his honey was happy and he was with her. We saw that wonderful twinkle in his eyes when he talked about our momma. He’d do just about anything for her.

Almost a year of ups and downs have gone by. There been stays at rehabs where he was just dying to come home even when he was feeling half dead, half baked after radiation. Man, he looked pitiful after chemo, like somebody needed to feed him something, hell anything. When his tongue was taken out, and then replaced with a titanium tongue, I think, if had his way, he would have rathered take it to a pawn shop and have the money to give his old lady to live on after he was gone. Yeah, Wade was just that kind of man. His speech was just about as hard to understand as a kid singing with marbles in their teeny mouth. My chats were mostly limited to asking him yeah and nope questions. He would call me on my cell and if he couldn’t reach me, there’d be that voice mail waiting for me. Simply said, Call me.” I couldn’t even understand it, most times, but didn’t matter anyways, I knew who it was. There, towards the end, last 6 or so months, he just wanted me to talk. I grew to love hearing that old familiar “Yup.” Every time I asked him if he was doing okay I got that same answer. Hell, he could be burning in a fire and I swear he would have said the same thing. See, Wade didn’t want nobody worrying about him, no siree. He was proud even when he was hurting.


Funny, half my life I been a gibber box and friends wondered how to shut me up. Then there is Wade, brought into my life at the end of his, never seemed to get enough of my chatter. Kinda makes you wonder was he half nuts? Oh, and never will I forget how he ended conversation, “I love you, I mean that, I really do.” I think he said it twice incase I couldn’t understand. See, unless you were sitting right there, eyeball to eyeball, man was he hard to understand. If he got a on roll talking to ya, forget it, you were done for. And if you couldn’t get it, he’d get really pissed. We couldn’t ever tell if it was at us or at himself for not being able to talk clear. His eyes would fill with tears though and it would break your heart every time it happened. He had his pride so we’d have to pretend we didn’t see it so he wouldn’t get embarrassed.


One day, his number at one of the rehab centers changed. He called and gave me the new number. He screamed in the phone,”Write down ,” and then screamed slowly numbers at me. Now I could hardly get several of them so I repeated back the entire number. I heard him say yeah so we hung up and I called back. See his cell has very few minutes as he was a poor man, so he’d want me to call on mine. No problem. I called back and damn, if I didn’t wake up some other patient there. I am giving her that because she was grouchy. You’d think she would be glad somebody called her but no, she was yelling at me and she don’t know who I even am. I apologized explaining I had the wrong number. “Who the hell you trying to reach?” she yelled at me. After that nasty tone with spit in her voice, be damned I would give out Wade’s name. So I did what any sensible lady would do, I hung up that phone like real quick.

A few minutes passed and Wade called again. This time he sounded annoyed with me. He was probably thinking I wasn’t going to call. I told him I wrote the number down wrong. We went through the same routine again with him shouting out the numbers and this time, me yelling back each number, one at a time. Some of them I apparently got wrong as he would yell them back multiple times preceded by something that sounded something like a no. But heck, on some of them that there numbers, be honest with ya, I was flat out only guessing. It would have been a whole lot easier if he just let me count 1 to 9 for each darn number and when I got to the right number, he said “Yup!” Same thing happened on this second try of calling him back, I reached another patient. Well betcha know what happened two more times huh? By now, I imagine I done ticked off several patients at that center and the nurses station is getting hollered at about this freakin lady calling rooms and then hanging up. So I decided to call that nurses station myself and fess up. They were kind to me, or tired of patients bitching about my calls and put me straight through to him and made sure, by literally running to his room, that we got connected by phone that instant. Know the first thing that ole man said to me when he got on the phone? “What took you so long?” Ya gotta love it!

He wasn’t afraid to die. He was afraid to leave his old lady. He spent years and years taking care of her like nobody done. He loved her like a lion loves its cub, doing whatever needed to be done with her bad heart or whatever else came her way. It did it without question. He cried when he told me how much she meant to him. He fought as hard as any man I have ever seen. He suffered in silence through unbearable pain and in the end, it wasn’t pretty, nope not at all. He became a broken man physically all for the love of a woman, putting his body through a living hell. Ain't it sure funny how life is? Someone so darn sweet and simple, not hurtin nobody can go from planting seeds, reaping a garden full of vegetables and flowers and helping others to suddenly being all helpless, praying and dying all in the space of just a few fragile years.

In the end, God done a good thing. He took a dear man and gave him good ground to put his feet on. Ground he can cultivate, a voice so that he can sing and spirit free of pain. Wade deserved to die, because he deserved to live. And I am as certain of that as I am of anything dearest Step-Dad, Wade.

My turn Wade, can you hear me up there? I love you, I mean that, I really do.

A Still Moment

I once worked with such a wonderful young spirited girl named Carrie. We quickly bonded and, in spite of our age differences, found we had so much in common, especially a love of laughter in our lives! We both worked in the high pressure business of printing and promotional products working with large corporations that wanted everything yesterday. We worked diligently, long hours and lots of stress and yet, still found time to share parts of our lives with one another.

Carrie had grown up in Middle Tennessee where I was a northern girl. When we started working together, she was a newlywed. Yes, she had just come back from her honeymoon and within weeks was interviewing and then offered the position. She worked as my customer service/project manager/back up sales person and did everything needed to help me be successful from making collection calls, to invoicing, trouble shooting, etc… I lost count of how many times I said to her “I would not want your job if it was the last job on earth!”

When I left that position, we remained in contact with each other. We kept communicating so we would know what was going on in each other’s lives. Never did a phone call or email slip between us without the words I miss you and I love you expressed.

I look back with fondness remembering the stories she shared, her husband’s surprise Christmas gift their first married holiday together, her first purchase for the new home. A beautiful couch she agonized on the perfect color combination to get and then went on to trying to decide what color she should use for throw pillows. She put her decorating questions to the test by asking each of us in the office our thoughts. Naturally, all being women, none of us agreed which only served to add more stress to Carrie’s decision! Her husband Greg was not into this sort of thing. I think his only requirement was to not incorporate pink!

The marriage had its usual share of ups and downs, misunderstandings, joy, laughter and tears. But over time this couple built a strong solid foundation upon which they were excited to bring a child into the picture. Greg had an adorable son from a previous marriage that Carrie spoke so fondly of also. She knew, after watching Greg’s parental skills with this young son, he would indeed make a wonderful partner for raising a child with her in the future.

Fast forward to present day. Carrie is eight months pregnant with a little boy soon to come and add laughter and mischief to the household. Baby showers are happening, friends are talking and getting excited. The world is waiting for that special moment, the miracle of birth.

In the real world, dreams sometimes get shattered in a way only God truly understands the whys. This story indeed has a major fork in the road. Greg went on a motorcycle ride the other night and did not make it home alive. His spirit will live on in his son and the son due in a month. His love will live on in his darling Carrie and all of us that are blessed to know Carrie, our wonderful spirited bubbly friend. But for a moment, the world will stop just long enough tomorrow and on Thursday to reflect on this young man’s live and family.

Greg, we thank you for your contribution to this world. We thank you for making our friend Carrie spill over with delight at your presence in her life. You had the ability to make her eyes light up with excitement and the rest of us were slightly envious with what we saw in Carrie. Thank you Greg for the love you bought into this world and may God keep you in the light of his presence. May God’s love be overflowing in you.

A moment will indeed come, in time, when you will be joined in heaven with your beloved Carrie and your two boys for all of eternity.

Click on title for link to obituary for Greg Van Dette.

Breath of New Life

I attended a funeral on Friday for a dear friend’s brother in law. I did not know the man personally, other than hearing the story of how his life had played out through my friend. He was young, 41, and seemed much too young to be called back up into the heavens. I was attending to let my friend and her husband know their sorrow touched me. Also, even without knowing the man, I too was impacted by his life, his story.

Sitting there at the funeral, watching the family shuffle in to their seats in the front row, immediately what caught my eye was an adorable baby being held by one of the deceased man’s loved ones.

The site of the innocent young baby made me think back to the last several funerals I have attended. When I reflected back, the realization came to me that every single funeral I have attended there is always a small child or baby present. I find this soothing.

Many years ago, when my children were small, I told them that for every person God calls back to heaven, he places another human life on this earth to experience our world. This new baby grows and thrives, touching others throughout this process of aging; much as the deceased person he has called home.

I think this is so symbolic of the circle of life, we are born, we live, we die and we are raised back up. Perhaps in this way we make room on earth for another. It is almost as if the deceased person leaves their body and their spirit breathes life into another thus life is created again.And again…..

In times of sorrow, when death is at a dear friend or loved one’s door, perhaps reflecting on this circle of life may give solace. God does not take away, he is a giver. To question death is human. But, to have faith, when at those defining moments in life when things do not seem to make sense, is divine. God has a plan for us all. Though we may not understand, it is enacted in our lives. He is in control not us.

Seeing that baby at a stranger’s funeral compels me to reflect and write. May you all find, that in facing someone’s death, it gives you renewed vigor for life. And when the day comes to face your own mortality, and you are slowly gliding towards the light, think of this : Your last breath will be someone’s first.

PICTURE OF CHILD ABOVE THAT ATTENDED FUNERAL: Kinley Ann Pulley, she was Eric's first and only great niece. Eric's brother is also the other family member holding Kinley.