Perfectly Flawed

Whoever really fits in, if their honest with everyone around them 100% of the time?  Each individual has idiosyncrasies, it is just some are more obvious than others. And yet, so many form who they   What happens to those who feel flawed inside, willing to admit it and yet are unaccepted because of it?  What damage is done to these individuals in society? Are they embraced or belittled?

choose to associate with and accept in their inner circle as those who have a clone set of norms that are deemed “popular” or “acceptable”.

Dan was adopted at the age of 10 days old to a military family stationed in Texas. It was a working couple unable to have children excited to have a child. He was a cute Hispanic boy with no health problems.  He lived a normal childhood, attending private elementary school, raised in a Christian family, an avid basketball player and known for being more of an introvert.  Friday nights were known as Pizza night at the Bronold’s house.

Dan, in some ways, is no different than so many other young men’s stories of today. Constant pressure to fit in, doubts about being loved based on knowing a mother gave him up as a baby and then being belittled for other attributes others saw as short comings. 

Within his family, he was given love, support and direction. What he chose was to listen to the doubts he had and the wrong crowd labeling him with negative connotations verses how his family was trying to bring him up. He became misguided as he was pulled towards the wrong crowd encouraging him as they were more accepting of him and he was sensitive to wanting acceptance.  Thus began a spiral of ups with more downs.

Dan’s life of 33 years touched many.  At a Celebration of Life, in a room overflowing, people were there of all walks of life, all ages to celebrate the goodness of a man, his contribution, his hardships and his laughter. He had a father who spoke of all the memories of a child and a man that brought goodness in the world and not of a hateful person or one that was worthy of being outcast because people didn’t understand Dan’s differences.

The sadness in the large ballroom that day was over what was lost, all that Dan could have been.  There were memories everyone there could have shared and were never going to experience. Expressed by some in small circles were the persecution he suffered for far too many years. There was also disappointment felt that day that he had given up on himself, feeling his value was so low that he made the decision to make poor choices when his value was so high. Everyone was committed to making his life continue to have far greater purpose and let Dan know putting others down will never win in the end.

Flawed human beings are all of us, they are you, me, they are the ones you will never meet. The lessons of Dan’s life is continuing to impact countless human beings, most of all those that knew him, loved him and spent time with him or heard his story. His memorial fund, The Dan Bronold Memorial Fund helps teens at risk every year change directions and families know acceptance matters. Everyone who hears his story recognizes bad choices can be corrected if caught early and if left alone, have dire consequences. Time putting others down is wrong on every level; it does not make the world a better place. It ruins lives and destroys futures. It is not something seen or heard or felt on the outside but deeps impacts the inside of an individual. It erodes emotionally a person’s self-worth.  It has a far reaching destruction; ugly words can be catastrophic yet are so callously thrown around these days in schools, work places and yes even by adults in social settings and neighborhoods. In the meantime, thousands of adults sit around blaming youth for hate and meanness in society.

Acceptance of the flaws of others is mandatory for a civilization to prosper well and have kindness and authenticity. Dan now knows his flaws were designed by God. Don't wait till it is too late to learn this lesson. When you find yourself the butt of gossip by others for being less than perfect, remember you are perfectly flawed and not hopeless. Know they are flawed also, simply unwilling to share it or admit it, just feel perhaps more arrogant to put down yours.  Know that there is an angel in heaven named Dan with a smirk on his face 😂.  Those of us that knew Dan  well remember it clearly; he is looking down on you that are slightly out of step with encouragement to move forward with your life with unbridled passion!

• If you would like to donate to the Dan Bronold Memorial Fund, please send to:

Midcourse Correction Camp

Attn: Dan Bronold Memorial Fund

833 E. Grand River Ave

Howell, MI  48843
 E. Grand River Ave. Howell, Michigan 43833 E. Grand River Ave. Howell, Michigan 48843

https://www.midcoursecorrection.org/

Clique Out

I have always hated cliques. They remind me of pecking orders. When I use to read Dr. Dobson’s books when my kids were little, he used to say better hope your child isn’t on the low end of the pecking order in school or he/she may have problems and definitely suffer with self-esteem issues.  And that is what pecking orders are as adults, cliques and just as detrimental mentally.

We are all born with innate sense of venerability. We all need to be held, fed and loved. As we are fostered and nurtured, if we are lucky, much of the desperation for those needs to be met immediately and substantially in large quotas goes away. We grow up and mature and do not need to scream, bang our fists and stomp our feet to get our needs met.  Though we all see the occasional exception to the rule, invariably, this is true.

Hitting middle and high school years, the pecking order is so much a part of the norm you can walk into any high school USA and know who is in what group. It usually goes something like this, sports jocks, cheerleaders, popular, band members, goody-too-shoes, science/math majors; we don’t fit in and don’t care, smart-ass kids, drug users, drop-outs, and then a few others. The ones on the top groups of the popularity list get major boosts in their esteem building in high school. It isn’t because they have anything at all over anyone else.  It is simply because of their association with the right group.  It really is an unfair unjust system and schools should work harder to not allow the lines to be drawn so tightly. It alienates kids who need the added lift at school who might not be getting it at home or anywhere else.

Reaching adulthood, all the sudden 18 year olds are thrown into the “real world.’  Supposedly high school is left behind. In many senses it is. In college, if attending a commuter college, there isn’t too much of this nonsense. Big name colleges with fraternities and sororities, you have that acceptance piece again if joining clubs.  Everyone will do everything to get accepted, outside of reason infact.  So many cases have been documented whereby stupidity supersedes logical thinking.  Even with the sports athlete on an all paid scholarship, for the hopes of gaining acceptance and admiration into the right group, no holds are barred. 

We, as a society, long to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.  Somehow this must be imparted onto our youth. We harbor that vulnerability that just us, by ourself, is simply not enough and we need to belong, even if the norm is not right. We even pull back and say nothing if we see others hurt by our participation and their exclusion.

In the working world for years, in several different roles, I saw this play out continually. It was much more prevalent with women than men. This stage of the game, they are called cliques. These are groups of people that find niche areas where they seem to fit together well.  Work is obviously a connection.

Men seem to realize independence shows confidence and esteem whereby women seem to equate power with belonging to a power group, popularity.  And many times, that popularity, I have seen firsthand, is not used in a positive way.  There is cat-fighting, gossiping, down-grading, and back-stabbing to get ahead.   Men seem to be much more upfront with the confrontations and thus, resolve them a great deal quicker and without mental stress.

The cliques extend to so many areas of life, including sports teams, churches, and clubs for various ailments that mutual folks suffer from, e.g. cancer.  All of these groups and organizations are for a soul purpose usually, connecting people for a common mission.  And yet, within it, there seems to be an innate human nature to have mini groups form where some folks feel they are over and above others. They use that self-proclaimed power to influence members they deem worthy in a negative way, a select few. It gives them a greater feeling of pride in themselves at the expense of others, other’s hurt feelings.

 The outcome is the members not on their goody goody list fall on the short end of the stick and get left out. They are the ones that have little input, are talked about, not included as much and truly show the group is not operating as a group but as multiple cliques, like high school and not mature adults.  Any of this sound familiar?  These groups often create more esteem issues for members on the outs who are less confrontational and are less willing, over time, to want to get involved.  Infact, they just may walk away. There is no magical age when people enjoy being left out and treated badly. 

It amazes me that some folks just don’t see this pattern, even in organizations that are geared solely for supportive purposes, the good of all that participate.  One bad seed in a group where someone has issues can build up a clique of people in a snap.  They can create an image of themselves in a favorable light and get all those around them to literally leave others out in the cold. 

This happens without folks questioning the motives or the reason the cliques have formed in the first place. These usually always form because the ones that are in charge are truly the ones that are creating this type of environment or the ones leading the cliques are spear-heading it.  Remember, the least confidant person will use others to gain a false sense of importance by manipulating others to join them and by putting others down, excluding them.  Your silence is your acceptance of this behavior.

Not being inclusive with all beings, whether it is with children or adults, in a work setting or play, is never okay.  We all deserve to be treated and respected with dignity. Leaving others out and not working equally hard to make everyone feel a part of whatever they are participating in is making an organization weaker and more doomed for failure.  Think of the things you tell your children when they are not included. Be sure you are practicing these principles in your own activities as an adult. So many adults are not.

If you are part of a group and desire success, encourage members to build each other up and not tearing each other down.  You can be the catalyst for change and redirect energy away from cliques and towards inclusive unions and improve everyone’s esteem and productivity by helping everyone click. 

Compassion for Everyone

Talking to some friends online I learned that many people like to hide their

ailments. Society puts so much pressure on everyone to be perfect that it has

become socially unacceptable to expose your flaws. Any flaws are seen as a weakness. It does not matter whether you are running for the Presidency, head of your neighborhood HOA, coaching a kid’s team or just being an in-law, the expectation is nothing less than perfect in every way.

Unfortunately, some of us are not hardwired that way. We come with not only defects of character but some physical issues as well. These are not by choice, not because of poor health and nutrition but simply it is what it is. We don’t blame our parents, pollution and society, we accept. However, those without health issues, those that profess to have it all together feel they are built without flaws. They see themselves as beautiful beings, infallible to chronic illness, mentally sound at all times and incapable of making blunders. They hold others to a much higher standard in life than they hold themselves.

The end result is a split society, those that endure challenges and those that do not.  Growth occurs to those who learn to deal with life as if they are on a sailboat having to navigate against strong winds not going in their favor.  The other parts of society, those with blinders on, go through life oblivious to others maladies. They are quick to judge, slow to respond, alienate themselves from anyone they see that has shown poor decision-making skills ever because it shows a total lack of character in them, unlike themselves.

So as we chatted yesterday, we learned that we each have survived and are surviving with several things in common. But, in sharing we helped each other grow more. One person in the conversation did not have a medical issue going on, but had a deep compassion for others. Her contribution to the conversation was just as meaningful. She experienced that we all learn from each other, and we learned from her, her heart of gold. There is no such thing as a weak link when we are sharing provided it is with an open heart and mind.

We keep our confidences quiet, mostly.  We we know when people ask how you are they really want to hear a trite answer back. All canned answers will do nicely.  We wonder why folks condemn others when they have never walked in their shoes.  We find a bit of sadness that many that suffer would feel much better if others would show abit more compassion and not use energy either avoiding them or putting them down. But, it is what it is.

At the end of the conversation, we knew it was time well-spent.  4 strangers who became lasting friends.  Caring and sharing creates understanding and bonds, when people let down the walls and truly open up.  That is supposed to be how life plays out. Imperfection is reality, anything else is fabrication.  Some people's flaws may be more obvious because of who they are, what position they have held, how they look, what they are willing to share, etc... But, everyone has these bumps, so to speak.  If you didn't, you aren't human.  Find time to be real, if not with others, with yourself. 

Moments like yesterday, one conversation and the world shines a little bit brighter, not just for the four of us, but possibly, for everyone.  

Tomorrow may you start,

To find it in your heart,

Accept people for who they are,

Quit raising up the bar.

Compassion goes a long long way,

And makes our future brighter every day.