Mother in the Clutches of Dementia

Dementia is terrible thing. I am learning of just what it robs someone of, normalcy. Perhaps

those suffering from it, in the later stages, don’t  notice it as much but for those interacting with them, it is a flagrant reminder of a mind lost in itself in a land that seems far away, somehow misplaced and never coming back.

My biological mother was diagnosed several years ago with dementia. She joined the 47.5 million cases worldwide. Predictions are there will be 82 million in 2030 and 152 million cases in 2050.  5 Million live in the United States, Mom being one so she is not alone by any stretch.

Living in an active over 55+ community, I still come in contact with an aging population that has residents who occasionally have spouses or parents that have dementia. It is not the same as when your family member is afflicted.  I am not sure much of anything prepares you emotionally.   It is draining just to be in a conversation.  

My sister Terri has become my namesake when conversing with my mother. More often than not, I am not only called her name but all references are to her life, memories of time spent with her and reflections on her thoughts and feelings towards Terri. It is pointless to correct her so I find myself responding in Terri-like fashion.  I call my sister afterwards, tongue-in-cheek, to lessen the heartache and tell her what “she” said to Mom. She does likewise as she is frequently in the same position responding in my given name.

Some of my conversations with Mom these days are about things and people I know nothing about. She will lapse into memories and because I was raised by my father and stepmother, I do not have knowledge of a great portion of her life so have no idea of what she is talking about and she is totally unaware. Any normal verbal cues are gone when dementia hits.

Mom operates on a short fuse. She is quick to anger and to sadness. Either mood is hard to lessen or erase so I am careful to not trigger either!  Being several states away, I am dealing with emotions and dementia over the telephone most of the time so am pretty powerless to do much but listen and send things.  And the requests for items to send are becoming more frequent as she doesn’t recall what she asked for. A letter will come, two in a day asking for the same thing, the realities of dementia in black and white. Envelopes will come without hard to decipher hand-writing talking of things I know nothing of. With the affect it has on our lives, I keep it to myself as like so many others,  no one wants to talk about it though it affects millions of Americans and great numbers worldwide!

Mom is alive yet living at half-mask. What are painful are the times she is more than aware of it and makes statements about how silly and disappointed she is at what her life has become. It is then when I and everyone who has ever dealt with the dreaded disease pray there will be a cure or better treatment options in the future so that elderly do not have to suffer with losing their minds. 

This needs to be freely discussed for the  millions suffering, growing daily, and communicate the importance of early screening!  70% of cases are Alzheimer’s, a more serious form that thankfully my mother doesn't  have. 58% of all patients in the US live in lower income homes so funding is needed so financial resources for dementia are essential too. 

As I look back, it is with a grateful heart I had some wonderful memories with Mom before she was in the clutches of dementia. Now I simply embrace her in whatever way I can for as long as I can watching her mind slip away.

To Age With Grace

She looked in the mirror and saw the reflection of an older woman. She rubbed her eyes to clear them out but the old woman still stared back at her. Why did she stare into that distressed mirror?  Wait, was that a tear rolling down one cheek, seeping out of her right eye ever so slightly?

The years had melted together to form a book of life. The ups and down, tragedies and experiences unique to her were reflected on some unwritten pages. And yet, tomorrow would come with more stories to write. Another day would bring her one day closer to another hallmark notch in her life, as the ending part played out.

She grabbed a tissue and dabbed the tear. As it soaked into the tissue, her head bowed, she recalled her life’s special moments. She lifted her head to gaze at her image one more time and see if she looked any different.

This time she saw some laugh lines. This time she saw some wrinkles from worry about her children. This time she saw a sparkle from the love in her life. She also saw an uplifted head showing the confidence borne of a full life and the pride over the accomplishments of her husband, children and friends. This time she smiled. She was no younger but she was indeed wiser.

I Am Not my Weight

Weight follows me around the older I get. It doesn’t matter what I eat, it climbs up my legs and settles in my mid-section. I can’t shake it off no matter what I do. Ah, for the days when I was young and too skinny!  Do I want to go back?

Well, I remember getting teased as a kid for being thin as a toothpick. Hell, I could hide behind a tree trunk, a skinny one. I could be lifted overhead, parallel to the ground. I was anorexia-looking before it was cool and I wasn’t even in to fashion or ballet dancing. I was just plain active and living life to the fullest, an outside kid.

I hit my teens and realized Mother Nature is mean to girls. Hormones kick in and I am still trying to figure out what is so grand about it.  I mean really, hormonal is craving chocolate, feeling emotional and a swollen abdomen. Just what exactly about that is fun? 

We use to have to read books in school about “the upcoming change” menstruation entitled The Art of being a Women. I am still shaking my head over the word art that is not my image of art. And then there was the saying Beautiful Me! Who feels gorgeous on the rag?  Nobody I know. It is a royal pain and that has nothing to do with feeling like royalty.

Changing means weight starts coming on to your body easier and as you age, easily. Bah humbug. In a society that prides on tone thin bodies, some of us do not have the innate ability to be trim and thin for all of our lives. So we have to settle for being beautiful inside. If you could see the inside of me, God I am gorgeous!  And so are you!  Don’t be fooled by the fat rolls you see outside. Mother Nature might be tricking you, testing you to see if you can see below the skin. 

And so it goes, another year, another 5-10 pounds of discouragement or possibly adventure. I say enjoy it, live life, eat to live and don’t live to eat. Then you won’t be obsessively overweight, will be happy but not obsessed with trying to be a body you just weren’t made to be!

Aging With Grace At Any Age

The phone rang. We finally connected. Forty years old, my firstborn child, it was here, his birthday. Leading up to the day seemed no big deal to me and to him,

it seemed monumental. I think a big milestone to me too when I was approaching forty, so long ago I can’t remember.  As we spoke I listened as much to what he said as to what he didn’t say. In the silence, I heard a man I had raised from a once shy insecure little boy into a wonderful father, husband and still loving son wonder where did a lifetime go and how much more time was ticking. I realized we were somewhat in the same place.

Coming face to face with a son who was no longer in his twenties or thirties, the reality of myself aging  hit me too.  Him questioning his aging process made me look hard at mine. Age is that one thing that creeps up on you whether things are going good or bad and you can’t stop it from happening whether you are climbing up or down a hill. You don’t get any do-overs or added time to be a certain age again. You just have to push ahead and make the most of today.

I listened to my son more than I talked. It was one of those times, as a parent, you really aren’t too sure what to say.  Being a parent never came with instructions, you learned it a long time ago, and it is still true even when you have adult children. No one wants to feel as if they let their kids down. I already knew how that felt having one who never felt I measured up. This is my only child.

As my son continued speaking, I knew his words I would hold near in my heart, and also not repeat. Part of being a mom, at any age, is having the loving bond to know that things children share things that are only shared with us.  We are unconditionally loved when the bond is right and the sharing is a blessed gift. The gift works both ways. It is not judgmental, not used against one another or taken out of context.  We know that we each grow a little bit with that knowledge, with that level of caring and sharing as much as they do. And I have, with each step of my son’s life, with every new twist and turn.

When I spoke,  it was the line I have said so many times before to him and to myself,  he is starting another chapter, one more beautiful than the last.  And I realized, as I said it, so is mine, partially because I have a critical birthday coming up very soon and partially because of his milestone birthday.  God intended it to be that way, his master plan unfolds for those that follow His way and I know my son is and is getting watched over by God’s angels.

As my son has his time stamp of forty years, he has his badges of life’s lessons. I know his and he knows mine.   I know the effect its had on me, his forty years. I also my son will have more battles to fight but none will be bigger than the ones he has already fought and won. He will have hurdles to overcome but he has proven he can withstand the pain of defeat if he must. I have seen and he has learned his love can endure being tested and that he has a conviction that will persevere.   

Through my long lifeline I too have learned to be a survivor.  Fighting through obstacles builds character. Taking the easy way out never builds you up as a person or in God’s eyes.  In many ways, my son has taken after me. Too often in my life, people have confused my daughter to be like me not realizing it is actually, as my kids’ father said, my son that is a male version of me.  Being judgemental, hateful and full of anger is not part of our chemical make-up. Over the years, neither of us have hardened though both of our lives has had its share of hardships.   Maybe that is why the bond has always been there, even though, it is not with the conviction it was when he was young. Age does change things. Perhaps it has to.

With a key birthday fast approving, my son’s birthday reminded me to also reflect on my life, where I have been and where I am going with the time I have

left. I am grateful my relationships are much more built on calm, peace and love.  Acceptance is critical too.  Finding your inner circle is people who live in reality, understand who you are and themselves and love you and themselves for it and just enjoy life is the surest way to a happy life! Be with people who feed your soul, build you up and not bring you down, emit positive energy to carry through many more years!  With the wrong people, you can easily fall down that hole like Alice in Wonderland and become something that is full of fantasy. It is so freeing to just be real and be with people that allow you to be.

I have come a long way in my life like many of you probably have. I have walked a rocky road. I’ve had no hand-outs, free tickets. I say to myself in the mirror I am a survivor. If you have no self-love you have none to give.  I care about me and I can care about you, folks that read my blog, give me positive feedback and those that tell me your stories that are equally or more touching than mine. Strangers have importance, those in need matter too, the vulnerable.  As I have gotten old, I have become more caring, not less.  Without living and caring, we can’t and don’t want to be story-tellers.

One of my favorite things to do is to tell my son’s children stories about my son growing up. It is my son’s legacy, the story of his life and it must be passed down, much as my story needs and must be passed down to my son, to my grandchildren and to my friends. I am leaving it behind, in safe keeping, to someone I bequeath in my Will. I pray my son will find the time in the next 30-40 years to do the same for his kids for the world. His life and his story has and will make a difference. Time goes quickly as he has found out in forty years time.

I realize I must be getting old. I have a son who is now forty. I do have so many memories of him, so many chapters of his life and far too many of mine.  So do too many memories to count make you old? AI told him that so many of his chapters are unwritten still of his book of lifethat will be so full of wonderful moments and songs yet to be sung.  It is like a symphony that awaits to be written!

I am willing to take mine day by day as I see far too many friends passing.  I want to savor flavors daily.  I want to live a long time, but not too long. I want to experience a lot but not too much where I am uncomfortable and scared.  I want to travel but not so much I am forgotten by my grandkids. I want to win the lotto but I don’t want hounded by the media. Isn’t it funny how makes us think differently?  We start realizing all the things we wished for when we were younger are really not all that important afterall and we wasted time wanting them.  Life really is a paradox and we actually see things clearer and are not disoriented because we are aged.   Good thing I didn’t tell my son that! Let him think I am losing my mind, shhhhhh…..

When my son turned forty:

It quickly passed by

In the blink of an eye

I had to cry

And then with a sigh

I looked to God with an Oh My

Praying "My Boy seems forever gone

But eternal is our bond
Please watch over him as he ages

With the hurdles he wages

As he slowly turns the pages

For I know my life is winding down

For I make a lot less sound

As I am aging with grace,

Trying to leave less of a trace.

Of an overbearing mom

Always being calm

So when I am here no more

And at heaven’s door,

My son’s heart will pound

As he’ll know his mom is always looking down.

In You God my faith rests,

No longer do I put it to the test."

Video of memories of my son and my life, mine being obviously 

more than 40 years! 😀 Click Here

Porch Time

It seems like yesterday, poof!  I was out on the street playing kickball with my friends. We would finish and run up the front step porch of someone’s house and be handed

Popsicles and feel like the luckiest kids in the world. We would see parents up and down the street peeking out windows while they were busy doing whatever adults do, making sure we were staying out of trouble. Then there were the older ones, aged, who would sit on the porch smiling with not a care in the world either, watching us. Back in those days, trouble was not playing breaking rules in kick ball, fighting over whether a ball was out or if a kid got hurt.  Life was easy as we played out there in the street. We had a whole lifetime ahead of us. In those days, we didn’t even think about it. Nothing seemed impossible.

I remember sitting on the roof top, in a few years later, as my dad fixed the antennae on weekend mornings.  In those days, there was no cable, no digital internet, just a big old tower hooked to our house.  The easiest way to the roof was through my bedroom window so I often went out there with him. What a view of the street from up there. I would sit on the shingles and get a bird’s eye view of the street while he worked away.

 I remember the day I was in my pajamas and pink curlers and accidentally closed the window!  It was locked when closed and no one heard me knocking from inside. I was stuck out there for hours!  In fear someone would see me, I hid on the backside of the roof. Three guys my age lived across the street, I was petrified that would catch a glimpse of me in my not so cool looking pjs.   My dad found it funny and was right, I had two choices, deal with it or take the 8 foot jump!  

Gone are those days of me being the one in the street, me being the one on the roof. Now I am the one on the porch.  I am not the one you would catch on a roof top either. My balance is not so great that I would feel safe up there that high anymore. I even wonder now, looking back, how my dad withstood that height and the heat so many times those days. I can swim laps and ride a bike but running around bases playing kickball would certainly lead me to serious joint pain!

Initially, it was a sad realization I am getting old and that I will never again be the one playing in the street.  I can’t play be the one playing kickball.  I won’t ever again have a future that is a blank slate.  None of us older do. But, with that said, a lifetime comes with all the turbulence, all the choices, decisions, hurdles, and sacrifices one has to make. The heart breaks a thousand times over as the years create opportunities for people to come and go in your life.  Joy and heartbreak also.

I remember learning about a dear friend Michelle Bell I grew up with dying, in her forties.  When she died, I remembered the times we spent at the park simply swinging as kids, riding in her first car (a Javelin, with a muffler tied up with a coat hanger!) , and sewing halter tops and switching tops because we wore the same size. All the silly simplest times became so much more meaningful when she was suddenly gone.  And then it seemed like 10 years was one week and then another close high school friend,  James Green,  was gone suddenly.  He had been on the waiting list for a kidney but that wasn’t even what killed him, it was a freak fall where he hit his head and didn’t recover. And there I was sitting at his funeral remembering all our notes, all our walks and talks and fast forward, we were adults and would have no more memories to share.

Not everyone you care about will be there till the end of your time. I have some dear ones that have fallen by the wayside, some from death, and some by choice, theirs or mine.   Life is like that, change is inevitable. Kickball is unpredictable too but it sure doesn’t seem so heart-breaking.  In life, you will be judged, evaluated and make a difference in some lives and in others, nothing you do will make a dent in their persona.  In kickball, it was way easier to make a difference with the kids you played with on a team. We all just wanted to get along and have success together. Don’t you wish your life had worked out so simply?

The freedom of aging and some of the peace is in knowing that you have made your path. You have lived. You have created your own unique journey that no one else can quite replicate. In one sense it does remind me of those days gone by, as a kid, you were the only one in the street that looked just like you.  And now, currently, aged, if you are like

me, sitting on the porch, you have a story to tell that is unlike anyone else’s.  It doesn’t matter, at the end of the day, whether anyone believes all of it or not,  or even hears it, you have lived it and you know it by heart. God shared in every piece of it. The reality of you and your memories are the moments that took you around the bases of your life to lead you right to where you are, now, sitting on the porch, looking back. Rest easy in the rocker. 

As I reflect on my life, I realize my blessings.  Mistakes and successes, but through it all, I survived. If you focus on those that judge you for all you did not become, did not achieve or what they expected of you,  you are left forgetting who you are and what you were given in God’s Master Plan. Create your own vision of the world and of yourself.  Aging truly has its rewards when you empower yourself to let yourself go and just be you, be real.

You made it, you got the hard work done and got the privilege of sitting on the porch.  You get to watch the game of kickball and watch others run around the bases.  Enjoy the view and reflect on the path you took to get there.  You made the circle back home.

Transpose Me God

Today at church our priest asked a question. "What are the moments in our lives that

transpose us?"  What events occur that make us change significantly in ways we can never return back to who we were before?  Are they happy or sad events or both?

Reflecting on this, initially no one reacted.  He had to pump ideas into the congregation"s head. "Surely someone has had a child."  That got the wheels turning and the ideas flowing, shouts began one after another.

When something happens in our life very good, it is easy, initially, to assume it had something to do with us. However, upon reflection, we must recognize it is by divine grace of God we are given blessings, much as we are given life. Many babies are never born, dying in the womb not seeing the light of day. You being here is a miracle.  Thus that is transposing to all those that know you and whose lives you touch. Are you making the most of those experiences, impacting others lives in a positive way, lifting people up so as to help them achieve their greatness?

We are also transposed when we commit to relationships, such as marriage and deep abiding friendships.  Honoring relationships is keeping them sacred, prime importance in your life above all else. Do you protect other’s love, trying to minimize pain or do you take it for granted? We are to cherish each other's love and feelings as if they were our own.  We should be a shoulder to cry on for each other and be there in times of sorrow and need, in good times and in bad. Can we not celebrate and cheer each other on as we are all children of God? In doing so, our lives and others should and would forever be changed.

We are also transposed, as Father pointed out, very much by sad events, such as the death of a child. It truly tests  our faith. Hearing the word cancer, said in relation to us, or any life limiting disease transposes us as we now face our own mortality firsthand. We must face the inevitable and deal with it in a real way. With this realization comes the process of acceptance of  God as our savior if we are to have peace and serenity approaching death. Understanding that the path of Jesus's resurrection leads to life will help not only us but the loved ones we leave behind.

Being shut out of loved ones lives is the reality of many Christians, such as in divorce or families falling apart. It is never easy to let go of ones you love but sometimes the signs are there that you are no longer wanted.  Fighting it will not change the outcome.  Transposition is not always something we want to embrace but with God's help, we can successfully. 

As Christians we do not create our own life’s plans, we walk in God’s divine plan and make the best choices we can with our daily steps. Accept defeat with grace and those that persecute you, let them be. You must be right with God in the end, that is what matters most. The Lord is with you always, keep an open heart to those that love you unconditionally.  

As our Priest said today, only with transposing oneself can a Christian truly grow. We need moments that stop us in our tracks, both good and bad episodes, that affect us in a way we will never be the same. That is called living a rich full life.  The price of this is that you will have times that will shake you to the core and bring you to your knees in sorrow.

Anything less than this, though, is half living. And wishing it weren't is taking the miracle of life for granted. So don’t be frightened when you find yourself looking in the mirror and seeing yourself change. That simply means you have lived, you have embraced and you have allowed God to work through you!  Amen. 

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After communion, I looked around and bent my head down, reflecting on how blessed I am to be at such a beautiful loving church. Inspite of all that I miss in my life, I can feel, every single time I attend Mass every week here my Grandmother in heaven watching me. She was a devout Catholic, who I use to watch pray the rosary and talk to me about her faith. I know she is proud of me for converting to Catholism and practicing the faith that was so much a part of who she was. 

And yes, Grandma, my faith, your beautiful Catholic Church has transposed me too!

The Greatest Healer, Our Lord

Looking in the mirror she saw a tear. It was rolling down that wrinkle next to her eye. She

use to think with age came no sorrow. That perhaps there is a quota of pain. With time, comes experience to laugh off disparaging events, disappointments and hurts.  Don’t old women learn that life always brings challenges and with them, hope begins anew?

As she stared at the reflection, for a few moments, she barely recognized the image. She saw someone who, for a few moments looked slightly broken, as if a piece of her heart had been torn, once again from her chest. She remembered various hurts she had endured during her lifetime.  A flashback occurred of monumental sacrifices she had made for others. Standing there she was hit by the realization that they did not matter as much as she had thought they would to the receivers of her gifts of love.

As she pondered this thought, she also realized the true purpose of a gift is not what was returned lovingly back into her life but what she selfishly gave. That would indeed be her legacy, her blessings God wanted her to return to this world in the time He had given her.  This was her given time to show her love for others, His love for her in action and deeds and not so much in words.

Gripping the sink with all her might, the tears began to flow. With knowledge she realized with growth can often come tears. With tears come doors being closed. When the door is closed, she knew it was time once again to hit her knees and pray. She must once again pray to the one who always opens a new window to faith.  This has happened before in her lifetime and more than likely will happen again, will create another wrinkle, another slow tear to form, another visit to the mirror.

As the tears flowed, rolling down her face, she bowed her head in deep sadness.  She let it overtake her. She let her body be filled with body-raking sobs to experience the full brunt of her emotions bottled within.  Then, ever so slowly she raised her head. She regained her composure, her inner strength, her pride knowing she had done the right thing, what needed to be done.  She knew in her heart what God had whispered in her ear, everyone deserves peace and acceptance and to live free from judgement. If respect and loyalty is absent in a relationship, there is no relationship.  So letting go is releasing a sought after dream that was never coming true.

As she now looked herself squarely eye to eye at that reflection, she once again viewed

her image. Now her reflection looked brighter. She saw what she had become through all the pains, sorrows and disappointments, laughter, successes and growth over the years. Now with a head lifted high she saw a loving sacrificing loyal mother and a fun grandmother with a deep abiding love that would always remain and watch over her grandchildren even from a perch in heaven. She relished the fact she was a giving supportive wife, a blessed friend, and a successful woman with joy and optimism always.  Most of all, this old woman was a devoted servant of God.

Oh yes, make no mistake the tears continued to flow with no rhyme or reason, free abandonment now.   She wore that wrinkle proud and the new one that would form quickly from her new hurt, that new pain she would wear now.  But instead, there was a smile on her face, ever so small. There was a twinkle in her eye. If the truth be known, it was indeed none other but the Holy Spirit mending once again a broken heart.

May you be like this older woman, find comfort in God.  In your moments of the lowest of lows, when and if a door closes, I pray you feel the love of the one that loves you the most, our Savior, the Lord. 

Embracing Aging Changes

Well, it is finally here, it is happening. I knew it was coming but wasn’t sure how it would play out. With my husband retiring in October, we begin a new chapter of our life. This is the time of trying to eliminate more stress and spending more quality time together.  As we are getting older, the focus has to be on making memories to last the latter part of our lifetime. Tomorrow may be fleeting or may not come at all.

Thus, we are moving, very soon. And of all places, further south. This girl, born in Long Island, New York, was raised in Ohio.  With marriage I moved to Kentucky to raise my two children, mostly on my own, struggling and trying to give them the mother I wish mine I had been, making the sacrifices the best I could. I was at school functions, field trips, and letting them playing competitive soccer where we traveled all over the place while working full-time.

I landed up marrying the man of my dreams and moving to Tennessee which has been my home for the last 16 years.  So hard to believe the home I live in is the longest I have ever lived in one house in my life. I look around and see so many memories, happy, funny, touching and sad ones. A bedroom where I laid fighting cancer, a TV room where my grandson made tents of sofa

cushions and we hid underneath them eating snacks. I see a kitchen that was remodeled and remember nights I walked the floor when one of my grand-kids refused to sleep all night when he slept over.  Dog dishes that my youngest grandson, at the time, Jake refused to stay out of when he was crawling. And as I look out the back, I swear I still see Dan, though he is in heaven, in the skyline, watching down over his father to let him know he is at peace.

The new chapter will be further away from so many friends, as we venture to Florida, to an unknown area. I am nervous, scared and abit melancholy. But I know my husband’s parents always wanted to retire to Florida and his dad didn’t live quite long enough to get the chance. Now Jim is living out their dream. We are making their wish, in a sense, come true.

As we take a big step towards a community of folks like us, wanting to be a part of a fun, active lifestyle where we embrace each other’s goodness and stay active, we must feel blessed. God is allowing us to change. After praying for answers, they came. With a price of course, as every change brings sacrifice. No longer can I see some of my friends, children and grand-kids on a whim. But love ties don’t end or stop with distance. Traveling to visit is essential and that time will be cherished and plentiful!

I know for myself, one of the scariest parts of moving away from an area I have called home for so long  is moving further away from folks I hold dear, some people I love so much.  After a great deal of reflection and

prayer, I realize God is leading me down this path. He taught me that some of the most painful experiences in life are also the most important ones.  Those that love you will always be there for you and you are blessed to be there for them, no matter what occurs, no matter where you live. Just as God is always with us, a great friend and a loving family member will  love you unconditionally and have steadfast loyalty and faith in the relationship. Distance does not deter the quality of a relationship, if it truly exists.

On the flip side, if someone is lost so easily by moving away, the bond

may not have been there at all. And some were lost from my life long before this move. Once again I experienced that adage, loving someone, giving all you have to give, does not ensure those feelings will be returned. This is perhaps one of the most painful experiences for me in my home here in Nashville. There is a time to give, and there is a time to give up trying. God has helped me see the light and recognize who he has put in my life that is meant to stay. I also more clearly see If someone is not open to God, it is hard for them to be open to the idea of unconditional love, non-judgmental attitudes, acting respectful, and having a faith of action.  

So as we look to the future, to a new chapter, may you all find that, as you age, you not forget, embrace your age. No matter what it is, recognize that you are called to make changes. Staying well within your comfort zone is easy; making difficult choices is hard, ones that require you to take a leap of faith again, like you did when you were younger.

A true testament to your faith in God is spreading your wings in new directions.  Put your faith in action. If you are still here aging, your life should continue to have meaning and you should seek out new experiences, learning opportunities and continued growth. 

Time is precious. Moving on hurts but is called faith in God’s plan. My grandchildren hold the keys to my heart, right below my husband, who is obviously below God.  I would, without a doubt say my son Michael has been a cornerstone in my life always and will always be, no matter where I live.  No distance would ever change my unconditionally love for him nor his sister. May you still find my blog of interest written from a new location! And to age with grace means changes should be embraced! 

A video is attached with just a few Kodak Moments of images taken from inside our home over the years. The memories we carry forever in our hearts.  For Video Click Here

Mamma Didn’t Tell Ya – Bless Her Soul

You need to take time to thank your mammas!  She never told you some of the pitfalls of aging and halleluiah! If you had known you would have ran for cover! If you don’t know, SPOILER FOLLOWS, read no more.

Your mirror becomes your enemy. Yes, done are the days when you wish it could talk. No, ladies this ain’t The Wonderful World of Disney where she is going to tell you things that just ain’t so. Have you heard of the Mirror Test?  Don’t try it if you aren’t ready to visualize the truth. Take a handheld mirror, turn your head upside down and look at yourself in this position. Look at all dem (or should I say damn) wrinkles! Thank you dear Eileen Fonde for sharing this tip! Reality check.

Oh, and those boobies you thought would never drag, if you were fortunate enough to be graced with them. The age old Pencil Test is true, it is done by many plastic surgeons, if your breast tissue can hold it, you are droopy sister.  Time for a lift, to the tune of a lot more than you want to spend, lots of retirement money, cruises, you name it. And, it won’t last forever, so give it up. Buy a wireless bra to lift them babies up or just accept it. Life goes on and you just lost your portable shelf.

Don’t pretend you don’t know what I am talking about when I say menopause can be women’s worse enemy! Oh yeah, no

more periods but that doesn’t mean hair isn’t the end of the sentence for you! You may luck out and see a sharp decline in shaving hair on your legs but look-out, it is starting to pop out in places you never heard women get it! Yep, all the sudden you feel in competition with your male counterpart as you sneak in the bathroom to get rid of much unwanted facial hair. Heck, some of you are buying portable thin shavers and literally having to shave your face. The good news, if you want to look on the bright side, is you are not alone. Millions of women are at the mirror doing the same darn thing! Thanks Mom, sincerely for not mentioning this tidbit.

Oh, let’s not leave out the negative connotations women get verses men with weight gain. As men get middle-age belly fat, they are assumed to be “party animals” having beer bellies. Women are told they have “muffin tops.” Oh yeah, easy on the bakery goods, you “sweet tooth freaks”, can’t say no to nothing!  And by the way, men are said to be couch potatoes contributing to excessive weight gain. Older women, by nature, refuse to move the coffee table, and thereby are soap opera queens, or the type addicted to Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil, which ratings show, many do not even watch.

It is hard to talk about this subject directly and honestly without sounding crude so if easily offended stop reading now!  Butt cracks are okay on young people, women in particular in tip top shape have taunt behinds. Ladies aging do not.  And let’s face it, there is usually enough room in there for Moby Dick for many women.  And the way jeans are designed these days, at any age, bending over lets it all hang out.  Who designs jeans anyways? Can there be any anywhere they are not called lo-rise or mid-rise?  How about a pair that doesn’t fall down when you move?  Most women are not enjoying the ritual of being compared to “plumbers” by their husbands.

Sex has its advantages at this age. With experience comes the ability to become better negotiators.   It can easily become a Get Out for Shopping Excursion Card Free! Men have less energy to fight women and women have more time to browse in stores and get an added Senior Citizen Discount. However, shopping is an experience.  Clothing styles seem to often want to quickly jump the aging population into the style less class and jump the prices up for some reason though most are living on limited stable incomes.  Hello, did you know that seniors are living in poverty level in many instances?

While young women go to manicures and pedicure

appointments, it is no secret; you will also have appointments and getting out. However, your calendar will be habitually filled with doctor appointments.  Hence, you will be also be touched physically with care, if you are lucky enough to find a good healthcare provider that provides it. 

But the good news is this, there is plenty to

enjoy about aging ladies!  It is the most liberating time of your life. All of above, you will take with a grain of pain and a huge sense of humor. You will laugh over calamities as never before. You will cry and through past experiences, know troubles will pass and the sun will come out tomorrow.  Outer beauty perhaps may have passed you by but you will have gained the wisdom to know it doesn’t matter in the end.  True beauty comes from inside your soul, from God and your spirit.  That beauty will never diminish unless your light of faith goes out. So ladies let it shine, let it shine, let it shine! God bless you till your God, your belief system, calls you home! 

Yep, You Are Getting Old!

One of the hardest things to accept is you are aging. Right while you are sitting here, now, reading this, moments are going by and you are getting older. It is not something you can deny, fight or resist. So the end goal is to do it with grace.

According to the White House Conference on Aging in 2015, over the next 50 years, our aging population in the United States will more than double. The numbers are astounding, to the tune of 92 million Americans being over the age of 65.  So the good news is you are not alone!

The bad news is this it is not an easy transition for any of us. No longer do most have that firm toned body, that endless energy where you can literally jump out of bed. If we did that now, we just might break or sprain something. And, as we age, everything takes longer to heal.

Sitting back and reflecting on your life can be helpful. Think of all the people’s lives you have touched and whom have touched yours.  This is called creating a legacy.

If you were fortunate enough to have children, take a hard look at where they are at. Are they paving the way for a good future, the life that you started and nurtured?  If so, you have done well, all that was asked of you when God placed them in your care.

If you don’t like your changing looks, don’t spend so much time infront of the mirror. Take them out of your home if that is an issue. Staring at those wrinkles won’t make them go away. Having botox helps but honestly, you are our aging,  there is no denying it no matter what you look like. Celebrate your life!

Much as adults untie the apron strings and let their children go off to make it in the adult world, as you age, do the same. Remove the labels that confine you and embrace your freedom, your retirement to do the things you always sought to do and didn’t have the time. If you don’t have the money, improvise.

Will your children miss you when you are gone? Yes, and if not, it is their loss. You have been there and done the best job you knew how to give them a life. Cheers to you that they have established one. Now go live the last part of yours. 

Opray is quoted as saying  “I think the hardest part of aging really is recognizing the time that you wasted and the things that you worried about that really didn’t matter,” she said. 

But aging with grace is letting go of regrets, forgiving yourself for your mistakes and letting go. Why not be free of any restrictions put on you by others?  You have a perfect reason now for acting out on your fantasies, you are getting senile, it is on your bucket list, and any other reason you feel like giving.

The reality is you don’t need a reason beyond you. You are worth it. Invest what time is left on you!  If you don’t do it now, you will never get the chance.

Adult Children Still need Anchors on Earth

There is no rule book when a child grows up and becomes an adult how to have a relationship with an adult child. And yet, the mothers, they always remain in their hearts, their babies. And yet, they are not a child anymore, they are a self-sufficient, self-supporting adults no longer requiring their moms and dads to be in that same role they played for so many years. 

At times, this is an easy transition, for either a mother or a dad. Letting loose, living your life free of the responsibilities of parenting sound fun and carefree. But this change can be emotionally hard. When the road gets rocky, or when parents construe their adult children making mistakes in judgment that are going to cost them down the road, let’s face it, as parents they want to jump and give their two cents But these are different times, their children have different dynamics as a family and their children are unique.  They deserve the freedom and the confidence to be their problem solvers.   Rule one, butt out! It helps keep the peace.  Reality, interference will be reprimanded. Some adult children won’t see the love behind it and will resent their parents for trying to right a wrong.

As children, many of us raised our children in a Christian home that mandated going to church regularly.  Their anchor, you taught, was their faith in God, their family and all else fell behind that.  At a certain age, it is hard to watch but they may very well fall away from the church. This is so normal. But, when families begin to grow and little children come to the forefront, things change.  Many come back to their Christian beginnings where they were fostered in their faith.  They often times, begin the path of leading their children to Jesus.  Be patient.  God has a plan for these children of God, they were only given to their parents for a short time.

Trying to give marital advice can be detrimental big time.  Their marriage is sacred and must come before all others.   Confiding in parents is only presenting one view of the issues.  Giving advice is not input from an expert.   This puts their parents in a vicarious position, accepting the responsibility again of their adult children’s success or failure of something bigger than a Band-Aid fix.  The bias of a parent can’t be removed from input also.  Encourage counseling and communication and if they need help, let them seek out others.  Parents get burnt by getting involved!  They are not children. Ultimately, they want the respect of their parents as are now adults so treat them that way.  Rule 1, butt out.

It is hard not being in the know in their lives.  Many parents struggle with this. When children are young, mothers in particular are the master schedulers, the project managers of their children’s life.  Now the role is on the sidelines.  Most weeks Mon.-Fri. is a mystery unless a parent is told in advance by a grandchild!  In today’s world, adult children are leading hectic busy lives. It is hard to get everything done let alone keep their parents current with the timeline of their lives.  They tell their parents when they are out of time; keep them updated on news items and when they need to be where.  Be grateful for these snippets. It is like the song Cats in the Cradle in a way, leading busy lives is what was taught. Now it is playing out in their lives.  They are what they were taught.

What role is it a parent plays in an adult child’s life, friend or parent or both? How to know which direction to go?  This is tricky.  As they say, untie your apron strings, unless baking cookies. No longer are there curfews to be held over anyone’s head nor holding up car keys as punishment, or cutting back allowance.  The priority in their life is not their parents and it shouldn’t be. It does not mean the love is not there.  Now they put their own immediate family first, as they were taught behind their faith.  Extended family and then friends are next in line as important in their lives.  In the family category is also ‘chosen family’ which indeed includes friends. Some friends are as endearing as or more endearing than family.

Ironic that now the parents have the time and the desire to put a great deal more time into the relationship with their children and their child, now an adult simply does not have the time. It isn’t as if the adult child does not have the desire as they know their parent is aging and time is in shorter supply but time is not always a best friend. But, the parents can look at Facebook, hear updates on phone calls and reflect on families visits and see how rich their lives are.   This is what you raised them for, to have a blessed life.  Knowing this is a comfort and on a lonely day, this is important to remember.  Be grateful they are letting you share in it when they can.  Know the time frame doesn’t represent the love. 

Know that you will never stop being parents in a child’s eyes. In some far recesses of their mind, they feel it.  They may not even like it, they may hate their parent, disown them, and defy them but God chose their parent for a reason and they will always remain bonded.  That fact can’t be changed.  Obviously it is healthier if the relationship is a positive one. When in need for someone to fall upon, it is comforting to know a relationship that has been mutually fostered with your parent though-out all the years, keeps that unconditional love alive.  The adult child can always tap into it when in need. 

The past is over.  Embrace the now. The sooner it is done, the better for all.    Social media is a great source of information also.  Check it out and get with the times.   It is a new world and change is good.  Live in today’s world so that adult children can feel good about the relationship that is continuing to develop with their parents.  It should continue to grow and develop.

The best part about prosperous adult children is sitting back and seeing the legacy at work.  When parents are together with them, know it was a conscious choice to make time to be with their parents. Feel the love in the air and remember the feeling from all those years ago.  It is different in ways, being with your adult child; the child has grown but is now fostering those feelings into their own children. The love and bonding between parent and child is still felt, though at any age.  Cherish it, even now. See, some things really never do go away.  Parents are still the anchor right behind God.    This Link has some of my fav photos to 1 of my fav songs

  

Time Slips Away

The world is getting younger or I am getting older.  I think I like the former option better!  Of course that would mean that I haven’t lived long and I know that is not true. I have seen so many things come and go in my lifetime. 

I can still remember when TV’s had rabbit ears, antennas were on roof tops and families were limited to three channels and most of them had limited selections of shows. But all in all, that was good. It forced us as children to play outside verses watch television. 

Those were the days when playing outside did not mean watching for strangers lurking in the street. Nor were we, when I was growing up, forbidden to go to the park to play, infact we went there all the time.  Curfew meant being home in time for dinner or being within shouting distance of home when mom yelled your name and said “Come home now!” We did not have to necessarily be in visible site, just in the front yard at dusk.  And curfew was home by bedtime for school age kids, as homework was done right away so we could get outside to play!

Now I see children are forced to come home from school, if their parents work, and make their homes look uninhabited. Windows have curtains closed, doors locked and the TV on low volume. The home phone is not to be answered.  Each child has a cell phone in their possession and that is the only phone that can be answered.  If fact, parents must be called immediately to ensure their children get home and aren't snatched by a stranger.  Wow, what stress!

Heck when we were kids, there was one phone in the house, for everybody.  It usually was on the desk or the counter, in the most central location, where the traffic was the heaviest. It always was the loudest too when anyone called you in the room where the phone was positioned.  And noone cared whether you were on it, the volume in the room just got all the louder! We were elated when phones could hang on the wall and instead of turning a dial, they had push buttons. Next they came out with the extra-long cord so we could stretch it and walk around the kitchen while talking! 

Sometimes I see the young parents and I wonder what it would be like to raise a child in today’s world. I certainly miss, after attending child events, like kids graduation, birthday parties, dance recitals, sporting events, and such, some of the camaraderie of the parents and kids.  That was always fun, sharing in the joy of our children’s accomplishments.  The sheer light in my kids’s faces when they had so much pride was wonderful.  It made me know they were going to grow up being someone special.  Their pride carried over to us, the parents, and fed our undying support of them and increased their support system too.  Now I am on the outer edge as a grandparent, as an Aunt or as a friend. Still a supporter, still joyful but it is different. I feel a step removed. I am. 

But then, reality check, when I see the stress, I stop and think hard. I hear about the time involved with carting kids back and forth to practice, extra time spent working on things and the balancing act with time, money and patience, I am suddenly feeling drained. It all comes flooding back to me.  In my younger years, it was two children, just me doing the running, the homework, the private high school, doctor appointments, physical therapy, soccer year round, etc…   

Not much reflection is needed and I realize I am, at this age, a far better grandmother than a mother! Oh, if I had to be a mother to my grandchildren I could do it and would.  But my new approach would be quite different than my old approach.  I certainly would be smarter and work less harder. I would worry less and love and accept more. 

Back then, there seemed less unpleasantries in the world to talk about to children.  Violence in the school, for example, is too commonplace. Bullying is becoming a norm. So many outside influences that are affecting education in the schools, issues that teachers cannot possibly completely control.  These variables also make it harder on parents of today in many ways.  And more importantly, they are unfair to the majority of our children.

Having my grand-daughter this past week reminded me what I do best, the ‘grand-mother thing’. I can love unconditionally, I can discipline when it threatens to be hurtful or damage her reputation, and I can be concerned about her safety and well-being. I can listen, be supportive of everything her parents are trying to instill and teach her.  Oh, and best of all, I can be a fun vacation away from everything!  But I also get a break.  I do not have to do the hard work part of parenting.  But I get the rewards....of seeing her grow, thrive, dream, succeed and mature into a beautiful young girl.

Reality check time, I am getting older.  I won’t be here forever, any day now I could be hit with that dreaded 'C' word again or something else could knock me out. She will age, my granddaughter,  and I will be gone. My daughter-in-law tells me often, I can be a happy memory of fun times at Grandma’s house.  I think that is the legacy I would like to leave behind. Yeah, perhaps that will be one of my favorite stamps on this world.  Smiles for Ava!

   Introduction to Small Video

Sitting with Ava this past week, we were reviewing songs on my cell phone while stuck on the expressway for 2 1/12 hours when a horrible accident caused a complete shut-down. It was interesting to learn some of the songs I loved she had heard and loved too, my adorable little 6 year old granddaughter.  During this time of emptiness on the road, she sat on my lap, off and on, as the car was off, and we grew tired of walking around outside, talking to other drivers nearby, playing games, etc.  She was giving me massive bear hugs telling me how much she loved me. When I would repeat I loved her too, her response was always “I know Grandma.”   I wanted to share some images of the past week spent with her to a song she and I shared that night on the roadside.  She told me I was young when I said I was old. This song seems quite fitting, given that….  Click here for Video Link