God Can We Make a Few Personal Changes on the Next Go Around

I kind of doubt people, like cats, get nine lives but I am not so sure we don’t get another go around. I have friends that believe that they have been here before. Some swear that they

are experiencing Deja vu, particularly when they hear someone overseas yelling something in a language they haven’t learned yet but distinctly know what is being said to them!  There are other instances that stand out even more clearly making them believe in reincarnation. Let’s assume we do, I want to be prepared to tell God where I think He went wrong with me so that the same mistakes aren’t made. Constructive criticism is always a good thing, right?

Let’s be clear about one thing, in general I am not shy. Having studied communications, public speaking has been a big part of my career path. However, God failed to give me the gene of innate singing ability. I have an amazing ear for music, and detect perfect tone, and an appreciation for all genres of music. But the one thing I am lacking is the one passion I so want, the ability to open my mouth and sound like a songbird. Dear God, I know I have the “It” factor and would definitely have that showmanship and touch millions of people’s hearts if only I had the voice I was destined to have. When you created me with the need to turn off the mic when I start to sing, you missed the mark.

Have you noticed all the beautiful feet on the women you made?  I know vanity isn’t something you placed a high prize on after Eve’s antics but with the advent of the sandal for high fashion for women, it wasn’t long before pedicures followed. Shortly thereafter began men’s foot fetish. How come I was left out here and given boat feet?  A size 11 foot for a woman would require a two appointment booking for a pedicure, twice the cost and no matter how good a job was done, it is too much to take in for any man in ‘’just one look’’.  When a man’s mind is on a boat, it is not thinking of a sexy looking woman.  My feet have been bigger than all of my husbands for Father’s sake. (See, I know not to use your name in vain!)

I raised my children as a single mother. I suppose that means I did a lousy job in picking some husbands.  Lessons learned can be invaluable though I can't blame you for poor choices in that category fairly. You created tons of options!  My father wasn’t good at mate-picking either on the first-go-round either. He got divorced too.  He raised my sister and me for a while as a single father.  In a few years, he remarried. Shame though that his new wife hated my sister and I. Could you have made us not a constant reminder of our biological mother? Or maybe, God could you have made her love us both a bit more? Next time, give it a more thought. Being a kid feeling hated many times was not exactly a whole heck of a lot of fun.  It was so apparent we were the step-kids like the ugly misfits growing up. There were some good moments in there but overall feeling as an outsider in your own home was kind of like living in the SPCA waiting to get adopted by a loving family that wasn’t going to hold your genes against you. I wasn't crazy about the clothes from Sears mail catalog, I look back and think I looked geeky. Or maybe I was a nerd? 

This experience though, gave me some insight so that part was good. I developed into a compassionate woman but I have to be honest with you, lighten up on the sensitivity measure please.  It sometimes makes me feel you subjected me to feeling perhaps a little screwed up for life, more so than the rest of the folks I hang out with. But maybe that is why I am so funny. Don’t you think I am funny God? Bet you laugh your ass off when I get to heaven God! Oh and extra thank you for not putting “It is sinful to use the words ass or shit in the Ten Commandments.” 

My children never knew and still don’t know their grandmother, my real mom that is. We didn’t rekindle any kind of relationship till I turned 50 and about then my daughter disengaged from me. Maybe the right word is dumped me. She essentially decided all of my support for her all of her life was done so she no longer needed me anymore so why keep me involved. I think she wanted a friend and not a mom but thank you for not making me that. I am not so sure she’d have gotten to where she is if I’d have been a BFF.  I know she wouldn’t have if I did what my mother did to me, high tailed it out of town with a guy I met in a bar and flip flopped from one to another, living on love, or is that lust?   Her letter to you would suggest you find her a new Mom and maybe I can relate because at times, I wish my mom had been made different too, like one who stayed around like I did!

The irony God, you know, is all those years I was there for my kids making so many sacrifices unlike my biological mother. Close to the same time my daughter dumped me, I really began to notice things changing with my son.  He got so busy in his own life that he didn’t have much time to really be a son anymore. You made me into a burden to him, something that is often forgotten, something that gets replaced with friends, vacations, parties, etc.… Can you make me more fun and worthwhile to my son next go round so I can have enough attention that my ego isn’t bruised?  At 58 I’d prefer to get the attention my friends get from their kids. Thanks though for the forewarning, make friends with my friends’ kids and ask to be adopted or the nursing home is going to be a lonely place with no visitors. As I tell my mother, you left your kids and I stayed with mine and you get to get real old and die with a relationship with yours. I don't get that with my daughter loving me unconditionally and a son that won't come see me like I come to see her. So maybe leaving me wasn't the worst thing she could have done afterall and she should really stop apologizing now.  I am where she was all those years ago.  God, you really screwed that up, sorry to say , from my perspective and my mom's.  Rework the plan next time or make me a total bitch so shit doesn’t hurt!

Cancer was a shocker in my life. I think I'd have liked to keep my breast. But I do believe that it has helped me stay motivated to work for this crummy disease that takes so many beautiful people, and not so kind people. But a life is a life, they are all worth trying to save. And  you know how much work I have done trying to save them. Can you help me make even more of an impact next go round?  I have a few friends that died too young. I would switch places with them so they could have hung around longer with their kids. They had kids that so loved them and just bawled like their entire world ended when their mom died. I think I would have rather switched places with them and not see their kids die abit inside. I know, your plan is the plan. And their death and their kids keeps me fighting and I have made an impact, but geez, is there another way to teach lessons than having women have to cut off body parts?  Pardon the pun but it feels like a booby trap that just ain't funny God. 

And in the pet’s category, what were you thinking?  Yes, God finds homes for all his beloved animals that need one. But why couldn’t I have a good one, a calm one, not ones that should be on Prozac. My last two dogs are ones that act like they came from the shelter and were abused instead of coming from a breeder as puppies to a loving home, mine!  What could be more loving and stable than me?  Nada more perfect place! Now I have a puppy that eats body parts off of stuffed animals like the last dog.  Isn’t that much like animals in the wild?  Can I have a pussy of a dog next time please?

I want to be rich. I don’t give a damn about being famous. I want to travel around the world, see different cultures and see all the cool stuff you created. I am not satisfied just meeting the kooks you created here in the United States. I want to meet the weird ones elsewhere!  I want to give to the tons of worthwhile organizations out there that no one bothers with that do so many good deeds and go so unnoticed and unfunded. I want to do the work that, if Jesus had been funded, he would have done. Yep, I want money so you can whisper in my ear when I prayer, put the dough here, let the bread multiply here so at the end of the day, I can still feel rich but for the right reasons. I can then hop on a plane and know someone else is super excited and thrilled too. That is the stuff that lights my fire!

Can I be surrounded by sincerity and leaders that care about humanity and the compassion of all of your people or is that asking way too much?  Maybe I pushed the limits on that one since you give freewill. If so, I will back off. I just hate seeing the folks that have the power use it only to enrich themselves and their buddies that are rich and powerful and let others suffer. I know this disappoints you too, people following false leaders with not very good intentions. Also, it sure would be an added plus if friends and people treated each other kindly and with respect for who they are. Why is accepting differences and diversity you created so hard for some people? Do they not see their differences?

God, all in all, you have done a damn good job with my life. Your plan, as its unfolded sure has had a lot of ups and downs, and lots of pylons, my word for hurdles. I know I have banged into a few. Sometimes my driving needs some help, I am directionally challenged!  But when I look back at the journey, every path you took me on led me to a destination that made me smarter than when I took off.

When I look at myself, I am far richer for having gone on this path, the least traveled path and by far, physically and in my own quirky way, less perfect. So maybe I need to reconsider, should I ask for a redo at all?  Aye, maybe I will leave that call up to you after all.  Your master plan is what it is. I rest easier knowing you are in charge instead of me. If I was, hell, who knows where I would land up, probably in heaven a lot quicker actually!  And you might not be ready for me yet!

Transpose Me God

Today at church our priest asked a question. "What are the moments in our lives that

transpose us?"  What events occur that make us change significantly in ways we can never return back to who we were before?  Are they happy or sad events or both?

Reflecting on this, initially no one reacted.  He had to pump ideas into the congregation"s head. "Surely someone has had a child."  That got the wheels turning and the ideas flowing, shouts began one after another.

When something happens in our life very good, it is easy, initially, to assume it had something to do with us. However, upon reflection, we must recognize it is by divine grace of God we are given blessings, much as we are given life. Many babies are never born, dying in the womb not seeing the light of day. You being here is a miracle.  Thus that is transposing to all those that know you and whose lives you touch. Are you making the most of those experiences, impacting others lives in a positive way, lifting people up so as to help them achieve their greatness?

We are also transposed when we commit to relationships, such as marriage and deep abiding friendships.  Honoring relationships is keeping them sacred, prime importance in your life above all else. Do you protect other’s love, trying to minimize pain or do you take it for granted? We are to cherish each other's love and feelings as if they were our own.  We should be a shoulder to cry on for each other and be there in times of sorrow and need, in good times and in bad. Can we not celebrate and cheer each other on as we are all children of God? In doing so, our lives and others should and would forever be changed.

We are also transposed, as Father pointed out, very much by sad events, such as the death of a child. It truly tests  our faith. Hearing the word cancer, said in relation to us, or any life limiting disease transposes us as we now face our own mortality firsthand. We must face the inevitable and deal with it in a real way. With this realization comes the process of acceptance of  God as our savior if we are to have peace and serenity approaching death. Understanding that the path of Jesus's resurrection leads to life will help not only us but the loved ones we leave behind.

Being shut out of loved ones lives is the reality of many Christians, such as in divorce or families falling apart. It is never easy to let go of ones you love but sometimes the signs are there that you are no longer wanted.  Fighting it will not change the outcome.  Transposition is not always something we want to embrace but with God's help, we can successfully. 

As Christians we do not create our own life’s plans, we walk in God’s divine plan and make the best choices we can with our daily steps. Accept defeat with grace and those that persecute you, let them be. You must be right with God in the end, that is what matters most. The Lord is with you always, keep an open heart to those that love you unconditionally.  

As our Priest said today, only with transposing oneself can a Christian truly grow. We need moments that stop us in our tracks, both good and bad episodes, that affect us in a way we will never be the same. That is called living a rich full life.  The price of this is that you will have times that will shake you to the core and bring you to your knees in sorrow.

Anything less than this, though, is half living. And wishing it weren't is taking the miracle of life for granted. So don’t be frightened when you find yourself looking in the mirror and seeing yourself change. That simply means you have lived, you have embraced and you have allowed God to work through you!  Amen. 

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After communion, I looked around and bent my head down, reflecting on how blessed I am to be at such a beautiful loving church. Inspite of all that I miss in my life, I can feel, every single time I attend Mass every week here my Grandmother in heaven watching me. She was a devout Catholic, who I use to watch pray the rosary and talk to me about her faith. I know she is proud of me for converting to Catholism and practicing the faith that was so much a part of who she was. 

And yes, Grandma, my faith, your beautiful Catholic Church has transposed me too!

Friendships can be Fleeting

Friendships can be fleeting,                     

They may simmer and be hot,

Sharing highs and lows

Helps one mature a lot.

But life is full of challenges.

And relationships can unfold,

When feelings aren’t reciprocated,

The end of the story should be told.

It is hard when there are memories,

That fill your heart with joy,

But over time those moments

Can become a decoy.   

Our lives are enriched,

Just by having friends,

But it is important to recognize

When the time has come for it to end.

Not every friend is there forever,

For our standards do go up,

One must ask themselves,

Is the quality filling my cup.

There is no goodbye spoken,

No words from the lips will pass,

But distance grows insipidly

And the feelings are gone alas.

Do not look with sadness,                    

For the goodness was worth the pain,

Losing time with one friend,

Opens windows for future gain.

The thinner we spread ourselves,       

By hanging on to unreliable friends,

Translates to less energy,

To the dear friends that will bend.

So when you evaluate a friendship,

A word of strong advice,

Ones to truly value,

Are friends who always treat you nice.

Proverb 18:24

One who has unreliable friends  soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. 

I Cried Today

You can call me among the few but I call me among millions. No, I was not a fan of Hillary for many reasons but definately not in support of Trump. I cried today along with several friends as the Electoral College voted, as news of what happened in Turkey came out. Knowing if a World War starts we will be on the side of Russia against our allies and Trump voters will be okay with that. I cried as a dear friend is in Germany and knowing many Americans hate Muslims knowing what media will say and the hateful things Trump supporters will now say. Knowing the Muslims in America that are good people will be living in fear of being victims of hate crimes & the hateful terrorists (Radical Islamist) will not be subject to gun sense laws. So many things seem wrong. Knowing my friend is worrying, not about her liver cancer but her daughters losing their Affordable HealthCare. The list goes on. Reading on Twitter that Trump voters feel, if seniors can't afford Medicare when it is gutted and switched to expensive Privatized plans, too bad. Their rates are too high, their time here is done then. They lived a good life. Also, many of these voters for our new President feel, if you can't afford children's insurance when you lose your Affordable care, you shouldn't have had them. They are not paying for yours as they see their taxes doing directly to you and not to anything else the Federal government does as if that is the only thing tax dollars pays for. Suddenly millions of Americans quit caring about the needs of children and families, like many countries we use to help for this very reason, the core of societies. One of the very reasons we elected public servants to look out for. Now it is no longer important or a hallmark of American society. Millions feel we don't need it.

Millions also say women who don't have abortions are not entitled to free healthcare knowing full well,without it, good prenatal care will not happen nor can they afford deliveries. Irregardless of rape, it is their responsibility to pay for healthcare. Social media mocks the disabled, those less fortunate, and rejoices in the fact their benefits are cut so as to provide more money for other needs they deem more important than those less fortunate. Millions feel it is anger that fuels blacks upset with the few police officers targeting minorities rather than try to find compromise and understand noone is condemning the honorable profession.

We are a one party nation, no system of checks and balances. We are hateful and angry as a nation, condemn leaders that others have voted for in large majorities and discount any actions they have taken that have had positive results if we did not elect them. We are no longer States united and the voice that triumphed cares not what the other voice says, in fact the direct opposite, wants them to suffer because of their needs. It actually seems to delight in their discomfort.

This is not the America the rest of the world looked up to as exemplary. This is not the America that was a nation of brotherhood nor why Arlington is lined up with gravestones as wide as the eye can see with a soldiers who died fighting for freedom for civil rights for all, not for a group like the KKK to be marching down a main street broadcasting condemnation of blacks years after Abraham Lincoln gave blacks freedom from slavery and Martin Luther King Jr. gave his I Have a Dream Speech. This is not the America my father worked tirelessly for during the Cold War to keep Russia at bay and our allies close at hand so we could be unified with the world. No, this is but a shadow of who we use to be. We are a corrupt nation.

I cried today, I will cry tomorrow, and the next day.
But I will use my voice, today, tomorrow and the next day because I have faith
And because I believe one voice makes a difference.
And I believe my voice will blend with millions of other voices that believe
one day we can make a change.

Amen.

Embracing Aging Changes

Well, it is finally here, it is happening. I knew it was coming but wasn’t sure how it would play out. With my husband retiring in October, we begin a new chapter of our life. This is the time of trying to eliminate more stress and spending more quality time together.  As we are getting older, the focus has to be on making memories to last the latter part of our lifetime. Tomorrow may be fleeting or may not come at all.

Thus, we are moving, very soon. And of all places, further south. This girl, born in Long Island, New York, was raised in Ohio.  With marriage I moved to Kentucky to raise my two children, mostly on my own, struggling and trying to give them the mother I wish mine I had been, making the sacrifices the best I could. I was at school functions, field trips, and letting them playing competitive soccer where we traveled all over the place while working full-time.

I landed up marrying the man of my dreams and moving to Tennessee which has been my home for the last 16 years.  So hard to believe the home I live in is the longest I have ever lived in one house in my life. I look around and see so many memories, happy, funny, touching and sad ones. A bedroom where I laid fighting cancer, a TV room where my grandson made tents of sofa

cushions and we hid underneath them eating snacks. I see a kitchen that was remodeled and remember nights I walked the floor when one of my grand-kids refused to sleep all night when he slept over.  Dog dishes that my youngest grandson, at the time, Jake refused to stay out of when he was crawling. And as I look out the back, I swear I still see Dan, though he is in heaven, in the skyline, watching down over his father to let him know he is at peace.

The new chapter will be further away from so many friends, as we venture to Florida, to an unknown area. I am nervous, scared and abit melancholy. But I know my husband’s parents always wanted to retire to Florida and his dad didn’t live quite long enough to get the chance. Now Jim is living out their dream. We are making their wish, in a sense, come true.

As we take a big step towards a community of folks like us, wanting to be a part of a fun, active lifestyle where we embrace each other’s goodness and stay active, we must feel blessed. God is allowing us to change. After praying for answers, they came. With a price of course, as every change brings sacrifice. No longer can I see some of my friends, children and grand-kids on a whim. But love ties don’t end or stop with distance. Traveling to visit is essential and that time will be cherished and plentiful!

I know for myself, one of the scariest parts of moving away from an area I have called home for so long  is moving further away from folks I hold dear, some people I love so much.  After a great deal of reflection and

prayer, I realize God is leading me down this path. He taught me that some of the most painful experiences in life are also the most important ones.  Those that love you will always be there for you and you are blessed to be there for them, no matter what occurs, no matter where you live. Just as God is always with us, a great friend and a loving family member will  love you unconditionally and have steadfast loyalty and faith in the relationship. Distance does not deter the quality of a relationship, if it truly exists.

On the flip side, if someone is lost so easily by moving away, the bond

may not have been there at all. And some were lost from my life long before this move. Once again I experienced that adage, loving someone, giving all you have to give, does not ensure those feelings will be returned. This is perhaps one of the most painful experiences for me in my home here in Nashville. There is a time to give, and there is a time to give up trying. God has helped me see the light and recognize who he has put in my life that is meant to stay. I also more clearly see If someone is not open to God, it is hard for them to be open to the idea of unconditional love, non-judgmental attitudes, acting respectful, and having a faith of action.  

So as we look to the future, to a new chapter, may you all find that, as you age, you not forget, embrace your age. No matter what it is, recognize that you are called to make changes. Staying well within your comfort zone is easy; making difficult choices is hard, ones that require you to take a leap of faith again, like you did when you were younger.

A true testament to your faith in God is spreading your wings in new directions.  Put your faith in action. If you are still here aging, your life should continue to have meaning and you should seek out new experiences, learning opportunities and continued growth. 

Time is precious. Moving on hurts but is called faith in God’s plan. My grandchildren hold the keys to my heart, right below my husband, who is obviously below God.  I would, without a doubt say my son Michael has been a cornerstone in my life always and will always be, no matter where I live.  No distance would ever change my unconditionally love for him nor his sister. May you still find my blog of interest written from a new location! And to age with grace means changes should be embraced! 

A video is attached with just a few Kodak Moments of images taken from inside our home over the years. The memories we carry forever in our hearts.  For Video Click Here

Snapshots of Change

Changing seasons as the months go by,

Changing voices as the years can’t lie,

Changing desires as our bodies become needy,

Changing goals as our minds become greedy.

 Some of the changes we embrace are good,

Some are totally misunderstood,

As long as we get back on track,

When, in life, we fall astray,   

And continue to grow

Being humble to God in every way.

Our growth will continue until we are called to come home.

Years ago I reconnected with a dear friend of mine I had made when our children were little. We were both young married couples, part of a Catholic parish in the area. We were both highly involved, both stay-at-home moms at the time so it was a source of social involvement, giving back and showing our small children Christianity at work.  Our relationship developed into so much more than a typical friendship, more like a sisterhood. The amount of time we were together is immeasurable. We saw each other through kid’s first communions and both went through divorces. We shared quite a bit over many years of our changing philosophies towards everything including religion, faith, child-rearing, marriage and life. Oh yes, even towards ourselves as well.

Both being in unhappy marriages, I think God planned for us to meet. He gave us each other, that human connection so that we could see in each other what unconditional love felt like, the comfort of looking into someone’s eyes and knowing, no matter what you said or did, they would still love and accept you.  We both needed and deserved that in our lives.  And, honestly neither of us had that in our young marriages.  We had children who looked up to us and should have had a better example of what a healthy marriage is.  Somewhere along the line our relationship splintered when we both moved away from the area and we lost contact. 

As luck would have it, or rather as God would plan it, we reconnected several years ago at a time when, once again, we were both going thru some life changes.  Yes, she was in the process of going from empty nester with her wonderful husband and being a grandmother to a small grandbaby to adopting her oldest grandchild with her husband!  It was a lengthy troublesome heart wrenching court proceeding. It was made even more agonizing as they had been raising him since he was a small baby. At the same time we connected, I had finally put my cancer treatment behind me, noticed some long-term effects of that treatment were beginning to show but was trying to acclimate to life after cancer.  Ah, looking at a life ahead being a grandma now not fighting cancer and embracing a new future! 

Here we both were, at a crossroads of sorts, reconnected at a special time in our growth period again, as women, sharing our thoughts, feelings, and fears about where we were and what lies ahead.  We wondered aloud how best to prepare for it, what steps to take and what to simply put in God’s masterful hands. 

Life was good but naturally had some pitfalls also, new anxieties for both of us but that unconditional bond was there between us, that magic we shared. However, this time, we both had a lifetime mate, we had each found a man that provided us with what we had so longed for all those years ago. We were so happy for each other and yet realized what we had was a different dimension of our womanhood that also needs nurturing from time to time.

With time, those issues sailed away working their way through change. Her and her husband/best friend received full legal custody of their darling son with absolutely no visitation of the mother with major issues.  My life also seemed to be coasting along merrily.  We, this time, made certain, even with distance, we stayed connected feeling certain God made this re-connection for a reason, some divine plan or maybe just because it was pleasurable!

Well, just when the boat didn’t seem like it was going to rock too much anymore, a storm blew through.  It hit both of us, equally hard, but in different

ways. She lost her riches, so much financial backbone they had as a cushion to enrich their life in a few disasters was gone. And I in another horrendous experience lost what I thought was one of the richest things in my life, my relationship with my firstborn grandson, the one born within days of my cancer diagnosis.   At the same time, my trust and relationship with my daughter blew away like a flame on a candle, blown out and all the sudden it was dark never to be light anymore. 

Both of us went through major heartbreak, pain and making adjustments. These were changes thrust on us that seem harder because the older you are, change is not quite as easy but still important to undertake as it is part of learning and growing. Learning to let go of what you can’t control and moving beyond is important, even when it hurts.  Everything you do, as you age, sets an example for those younger than you, it is your legacy.  We simply must show what you can’t control you must accept and change only what you can, yourself. 

We have heard each other’s hurts, each other’s disappointments and each other’s revelations during this time much as we did in all the other times in our lives. We will listen again when more changes come our way in the future and will gladness in our hearts knowing change is, overall good, a sign we are living one more day of God’s overall plan before he brings us both home.  Through the change, the pain, the upcoming winds of change is that pervasive knowledge that I will hold her as a very dear friend tightly, if she needs me and throw her extra oars, and she will toil my line if I need her too.  She has a lifeline and I do too in our husbands. We know we are survivors, in so many ways and stronger for having known each other and tapped into each other’s strength. 

I think many feel the same kinds of winds of change we experience throughout our life at various times, the why me, the you have got to be kidding me’s, the where is this going? But in the end, you have no choice but to button up your

bottom lip and deal with it. As another friend says, shit happens. Good relationships matter, not several, not many at all, just quality ones.  Decide where and who they are and foster those relationships!  And remember you are one of them, yourself!  Take care of you.  When a wind of change attempts to blow you over, reach for a lifeline if you need it, pray to God for added strength and remember always, someone else out in the ocean, just beyond the horizon is going through exactly the same thing.   You are and will be stronger and closer to God’s image if you grow with it!  

Fall is Approaching

The ending of summer is like turning a page to start a new chapter.  The memories of what we did and how we spent our time will be something we will hold dear in the cold winter months.  But with each season comes a whole new set of experiences, often unique to that season that we can cherish.

Summer was full of color this year in Tennessee as there was enough rain to keep flowers in bloom. Grasses stayed green instead of turning brown which made for scenic walks and drives. Kids rode bikes as there were plenty of warm days. The swimming pools in the neighborhood and elsewhere were packed many days as everyone outside headed for a cool water of body to try to withstand the heat.

Our pool water became quite warm, feeling more like a bath than a cold dip in the pool. But nonetheless, we used it, swimming for exercise, lounging on floaties and hanging out with friends in the water just to chat.  Oh there was even a day it was raining and I found myself with a raft over my head talking to a friend that was doing exactly the same in the center of the pool! Nearby friends were laughing as we must have looked silly.  But then again, summer brings out the child in all of us, from time to time.

Hoping your summer was full of moments worth remembering.  Every day is a blessing so each is worth celebrating whether it is the heat of summer or the oncoming fall foliage turning colors. Savor it for it represents the best nature has to offer us.  In turn, may it inspire you to make the changes you need to make so that your next chapter is worth reading!  

Jakob's Time to be Heard

He walked to the front of the church. He stepped on the altar with slow deliberate steps. Just a lone young man, dressed in black, from head to foot, distinguished, good looking with a solemn look on his face which conveyed much more maturity than a teenager should have.  As he approached the podium where the microphone stood, all eyes in the congregation focused on him and he confidently approached the Bible that lay open to the passage he would read aloud to all present.

He leaned forward and began speaking softly at first and then picking up intensity with each word:
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven;A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and time to dance;A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embraces, and a time to refrain from embracing;A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;A time to rend, and a time to sow; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. 

With every few lines, he viewed his audience, as if willing everyone present to pay heed to God’s word. He seemed to avoid looking at the coffin laying right within his eyesight, almost within an arm’s grasp, perhaps to not let a tear escape his eye.  Those present knew he had a special bond with his grandmother. It was important to this young man, Jakob Coad, his grandmother, Clarice Coad Memorial Mass touch all those present.  They were to be forever changed as her live had forever changed him.

His story was in sharp contrast to his grandmother’s.  Jakob was born in the picturesque  

captivating islands of Hawaii.  Jakob’s parents met, fell in love in a place that is easy to fall

in love and quickly get married on the beach.   Family lived far away so the wedding was small, quaint.   Both parents were from cold climates, his father from Buffalo, NY and his mother from Norway.  Kevin, papa and Mom, Camilla’s live was forever changed on October 22. 1997.  Jakob was to be front and center in both of their lives forever more.

It did not take long, after his birth for both of his parents to feel a sense of longing to be near family so as to share their dear son with kin.  Hence, in 2000, their family of three up and moved to Buffalo, leaving sun and waves for snow and frigid temperatures to be closer to family.   

Jakob never forgot his love of the ocean, the love of

being in  the water in any capacity.   He has taken that love to spending summers fishing and boating in Kokelv,Norway on summer breaks with his maternal grandfather every summer.  He spends this special time with his entire mother's family in Norway in the town she grew up in.  He is multicultural speaking both languages fluently.  This is a special time to bond and acclimate to a completely different culture, a part of his mother’s history. This is important because this is part of who Jakob is.  

What makes this young man unique is his ability to be passive in one sense, quiet and then, when enthralled with something, put everything he has into it. When he took up skate boarding, he is not like most boys, taking up a slight fancy to it. Not Jakob, he put many hours into the sport, trying to be the best he can, and becoming a champion at it.   If he enjoys something, there is nothing that will stop him from pushing himself to the limit.  That trait is admirable and that confidence is what helps make him unique. 

When his parents divorced, he became one of the millions of children that gets transitioned from one home to another.  However, he even seemed to handle this with ease. There was no real conflict in his mind or attitude.  He loves them both  and simply said, enjoys the relationship and the bonding experience with them each individually.  It is almost as if he is mature beyond his years. Yes, it seems as if he always has been, as far back as I can remember. 

He seems to have this innate way of adjusting to both parenting styles with ease.   He draws strength from both parent’s strengths. He tells me he hopes to one day to make something of himself that will make both of his parents proud. I have no doubt that he will succeed in this mission, if his heart is set on it.  He can do the unthinkable if his heart is set on it.  He is just at the age where he is trying still to figure out what that is!  

Summers are spent outdoors in Norway.  Fishing, camping, and enjoying a lifestyle with grandparents that farm is part of the joy of summers spent there. They make a living raising goats and other things different from the culture here in sharp contrast to his grandma in Buffalo that has a career at the University of Buffalo Medical Center. Both exposures are showing him diversities of opportunities in life.   Thus life is full of options.   He is well equipped to know he has choices. 

His grandmother in Norway describes Jakob as kind, caring, funny and helpful.  In a household where she raised nothing but girls, she is touched to find her grandson so

compassionate about other people, interested, and easy going.  He has a natural way and love of animals.  His other grandmother says he is spirited when it comes to sports, fearless and is a great athlete, very determined young man. 

Jakob’s sport of choice right now is wrestling.  His quiet nature and ability to be self-contained and stay focused lends itself to this sport. His outstanding physique is an asset as well.  Intensity on the mat makes him a worthy opponent for anyone. I doubt he is obsessed with always winning. I think Jakob understands more the importance, at the end of the day, of training, physical fitness, and how you play the game.  He admires worthy athletes, the kind that train hard, play fair and have outstanding skill sets.   He is a true sportsman with a fantastic attitude.  Somehow he seems to have had this instilled in his being from a very small age.  

A day before his grandmother died, Jakob came to visit her.  I know it must have been extremely had to stand there and hold himself together. He had spent many days and nights with her at her house while she had been watching him. Many times, she babysat him growing up when his father had him.   Over the years, they had shared so many memories.  Now he stood at the foot of a bed at the hospital, not knowing if she was coming home, probably unsure what to say.  

Being the strong silent type, he did, rise to the challenge and make us all proud.  Beaming from ear to ear as if he had no cares in the world, he gave her his biggest smile and practically shouted "Hello Grandma!"  He told her he missed her and asked how she was.  Yes, he was so friendly, at ease and charming. Bear in mind how hard this was for a young man his age, knowing the state she was in.  How many boys at his age could pull this off?   I think he may possibly be in a class by himself.   She gleamed.   Here was the boy she watched grow up. I recall her looking at him and saying outloud what a good looking boy he was and how proud she was of him.  She smiled so large her eyes literally twinkled. Jakob made her light up.  He has that effect on you when he smiles at you. He is a special person indeed.   

He stayed for awhile with his girlfriend there and we all chatted. I know he didn't want to leave somehow sensing it might be a final good bye but yet knowing it must be done. She needed his rest and he must move on with his life.  Yet, somehow I think he wanted to prolong the visit.  But even Jakob knows all good things some times have to come to an end. But I do believe he knows good things follow also.   And he had given her what she needed, the peace of knowing he was happy and his love.   To her, that was priceless!   She will be on her perch in heaven smiling down on Jakob, I have no doubt, till he joins her one day.   

And Jakob, his future I am joyful to see it unfold over the upcoming years.  It is in his hands.  He is the only thing that will hold himself back. We are all watching, and cheering Jakob on. As they say in wrestling, win the match Jakob, we know  you can.  For truly,  “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”  Your time, Jakob, is now. Make the most of it!  The rest of us will be watching, cheering you on. including your Great Grandmother Clarice.

Here's Your Sign: CHANGE

Sometimes in life it takes getting hit with a Mack truck for you to realize that you are going down the wrong path in life. It is as if your momentum makes it so much easier to stay in automatic pilot and keep everything at status quo so you continue doing the same things you always do, expecting nothing more and nothing less. You hang out with the same people, expecting the same treatment, going to the same places, using your time the same way. The red flags pop up, from time to time, indicating changes need to be made and God sends in special people to show you need reinforcements and readjustments made to your life but you choose to ignore them.

I spent some time recently with someone who saw the sign. He shared his story with his realization that his life was on a slippery slope where there was only one way to go and gravity was pulling him there, slowly but surely. I am not sure how far back his life was like that but the timeframe he talked about was from high school on. He was a star athlete and had an extremely high IQ. His relatives say he was written in local newspapers, covered on local sports and talked about by everyone in the city as the wonder boy on the court; he was unreal with a basketball what he could do as a point guard! But his life off the court, well, life was a party. He did not take anything serious except partying, basketball and possibly women, at least hanging out with them. I am not sure he was ever into the idea of long term commitment so much. Life was meant to be totally enjoyed, living for the moment. This attitude carried him to an exotic place to live after high school and easily through most of adulthood, up to this point in time.

The dysfunction of a life of nothing but partying sometimes never catches up with folks. With this man, it did. He never got his with a Mack truck per se, I think a light just went off in his head. He decided, on his own terms, he wanted a change, a better life for himself. Maybe it was the DUI, maybe it was for his sons and just maybe for his deceased father to be able to look down from the heavens and see what a wonderful man he had become but he was motivated to change.

Our stories we shared of what was currently going on in our lives were different but then were quite similar. The current of our lives tend to carry us with their ebb and flow down the river of life. Many times, that path may not be the best direction to be going either. And yet, we do not resist; we take the path of least resistance, afraid to confront change, having an internal fear of what is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. This is not the healthiest way to live a life. And yet many of us convince ourselves we have no choice, that this is our chemical make-up, this is our family, our friends and our lifestyle and we cannot change them or ourselves. Acceptance of what is wrong is ignorance.

What he is learning is that conscious choices are our divine human right. It is one of the things that separate humans from beasts, the animal kingdom. We have the ability to choose our paths to walk and can change paths in mid stream with thought and deliberation. We must exercise that right, consciously. He is learning to be sober means to not frequent bars, not go to parties nightly, and find new ways to exert energy. He is renewing his love of basketball. He is letting go of some old friends and finding some new ones that are supportive of his new changes and inadvertently inspires some old ones to be more introspective with themselves. He takes his own inventory and avoids events, family members and friends that trigger feelings that make him more inclined to drink.

He is learning more now that he has learned in a long time as he is experiencing life continually sober. He is sharing his thoughts and feelings with sober individuals continually also. It is like watching a new world open up to him. He even looks different too. Sure, there are still some of the old battle wounds there, some of the same old behavior flaws, and much of the same personality structure but you can sense a change coming over him. He is avoiding those folks that brought out the worst in him and trying to surround himself more often than not with people that bring out the best in him. This is a plan for success.

How many of us make certain our inner circle of family and friends is a group that bring out the best of who we are? Is yours a group that builds you up, respects you for what you are and what you strive to be? If they are not, no matter whom they are, take yourself out of automatic pilot and shift gears. Negative people will drag you down. If your inner circle does not respect you, you will have a hard time respecting yourselves. If they do not respect your choices, you will have a hard time accepting your freedom to choice. Being an alcoholic, he must choose wisely who he is with routinely or risk his sobriety.

We see ourselves through the reflections of others; they are like mirrors to us as we are social beings by nature. We get our affirmation from others. It will be hard to have a good self image if you are surrounded by an inner circle that is not full of loving caring unconditional regard. Pick your friends carefully and make certain your family is a family of chose, that is healthy family members or adopt one if your natural family is not supportive of your right to be free from dysfunction and healthy living.

Know that others look at you and evaluate you in much the same way. What do you bring to others lives, is it positivity, is it the fullness of life, is it signs of God’s goodness? It is important to show others you are supportive of their efforts, to give signs of unconditional regard and to know silence is a statement that hurts when someone is hurting and needs encouragement. Take time to be a friend, even when it is family. Friends and family are always there for each other, in good times and in bad. Love has no boundaries. If your friends and family do put limits on their support, then maybe the love is not without restrictions. You maybe getting the sure sign that you need a family of choice, one that is dotted also with special friend members you adopt as your surrogate family. Many of my friends have done this over the years and love the concept!

Are you real to others about your feelings or just a fabrication of what you think the other person wants to see or what you are trying to project? This week he and I talked about the AA meetings he attends. He said these meetings inspire him to speak from the heart, no more half truths, speak honestly. Mean what you say and don’t just say what you don’t really mean. This week we talked a great deal about people saying things untrue, half lies and how to discern the difference. Many times it is hard to tell the difference. Our conclusion, look to the actions. If someone really loves you, look at what they do. In tough times, do they truly forgive, do they pick up the phone when you are hurting or ignore you? That is a sign of reaching out. Do they allow you to vent or do they shut you out when your view differs from theirs? Do they offer hugs when you need a shoulder to lean on? Are they judgemental of your faults or give you hope when you are feeling down trodden? We all need to feel inspired and that is what true family and friends are for in our lives.

False images take too much wasted energy. First, get real with yourself and then with everyone else in your life that matters. He has the first step down, be honest with yourself. Then, make a plan. You are never too old to make changes in your life. Those that love you will support you and be there to give you what you need to be a better you. Those that fade in the woodwork and let the silence become deafening, well; perhaps that is a statement in and of itself. It may not be, initially, one that you want to hear but maybe what you need to know. Living with an illusion of love, caring or friendship is not healthy. We need to know who is in our court with us. A wise professor once said in college,” change for the better and those that love you and care about you will change for the better with you. Those that don’t, well, maybe now is the time to let them go.”

I am glad he realizes now, before he gets hit by a Mack truck, or dies like his father or grandfather died, that alcoholism is a serious disease. It can ruin lives. It hurts so many others that are affected by it. How many of us have been touched by loved ones suffering from this disease? The pain it causes is immeasurable. He may stumble and fall, but I feel certain, if and when he does, he will pick himself back up and continue on. He now knows what it means to be clean and loves it.

We all need to address major dysfunction in our lives that is causing us pain. The pain of fixing it is a great deal less than the pain it causes to let it go unchecked, unchanged. It reminds me of every time I move the furniture around in the living room. My husband questions why it needs to be moved around as if the change will cause him major heart ache. Once it is moved, he is pleasantly surprised. You may find, the very change folks resist in your life, they will be overjoyed when it materializes much as you will be when you see the new you. There is a cost involved for fixing things but enjoying a healthy life to the fullest extent is worth the price, if it is something you can change in yourself. Ask yourself this question, “What part of this do I control?” You can only change the parts that you can control, the rest is up to others so let go of the other stuff, stop worrying and fretting over it. They can opt out; it is their right much as it is your right to change. They may prefer things go unchecked But it does not need or have to stop you from changing.

Along the same line, allow others that you love to change for the better. That is what makes this world a better place. True friends and family members love and are supportive of our right to be healthy, learn and grow. They embrace positive change and encourage to reach their full potential no matter their age. If you can’t allow it in others, if you can’t accept it, then you need to look hard at yourself in the mirror. Then ask yourself, simply, why?

Plan B

Not everything in life turns out the way we expect it to be or the way we desire it to. That is part of the challenge in life, truly learning to roll with the punches so that we avoid them on the next round! When I look at the faces of my grandkids, so inquisitive about life, I am struck by how early on we learn this principle. And we truly are survival of the fittest!

On that note, my career has taken a turn. I am no longer working for the American Cancer Society and wanted to update any of you that have followed my blog in the past. I realize now that giving to a cause can take many forms and there are always options. I am choosing another option. End of story.

With the closing of a year and the starting of a new one, I am invigorated about life. I see many doors to choose from to open, sort of like “Let’s Make a Deal”, the deal of life, of choices of opportunities. Which door are you choosing to walk through and why? Are your reasons the right reasons for making that choice? If so, I would love to hear from you! I find the best learning in my life is from stopping and listening to others, hence I am all ears.

As I embark on a new chapter, I am hoping to have the flexibility with my schedule to blog more regularly again. The writing process is something I enjoy and the feedback from others, priceless!