Snapshots of Change

Changing seasons as the months go by,

Changing voices as the years can’t lie,

Changing desires as our bodies become needy,

Changing goals as our minds become greedy.

 Some of the changes we embrace are good,

Some are totally misunderstood,

As long as we get back on track,

When, in life, we fall astray,   

And continue to grow

Being humble to God in every way.

Our growth will continue until we are called to come home.

Years ago I reconnected with a dear friend of mine I had made when our children were little. We were both young married couples, part of a Catholic parish in the area. We were both highly involved, both stay-at-home moms at the time so it was a source of social involvement, giving back and showing our small children Christianity at work.  Our relationship developed into so much more than a typical friendship, more like a sisterhood. The amount of time we were together is immeasurable. We saw each other through kid’s first communions and both went through divorces. We shared quite a bit over many years of our changing philosophies towards everything including religion, faith, child-rearing, marriage and life. Oh yes, even towards ourselves as well.

Both being in unhappy marriages, I think God planned for us to meet. He gave us each other, that human connection so that we could see in each other what unconditional love felt like, the comfort of looking into someone’s eyes and knowing, no matter what you said or did, they would still love and accept you.  We both needed and deserved that in our lives.  And, honestly neither of us had that in our young marriages.  We had children who looked up to us and should have had a better example of what a healthy marriage is.  Somewhere along the line our relationship splintered when we both moved away from the area and we lost contact. 

As luck would have it, or rather as God would plan it, we reconnected several years ago at a time when, once again, we were both going thru some life changes.  Yes, she was in the process of going from empty nester with her wonderful husband and being a grandmother to a small grandbaby to adopting her oldest grandchild with her husband!  It was a lengthy troublesome heart wrenching court proceeding. It was made even more agonizing as they had been raising him since he was a small baby. At the same time we connected, I had finally put my cancer treatment behind me, noticed some long-term effects of that treatment were beginning to show but was trying to acclimate to life after cancer.  Ah, looking at a life ahead being a grandma now not fighting cancer and embracing a new future! 

Here we both were, at a crossroads of sorts, reconnected at a special time in our growth period again, as women, sharing our thoughts, feelings, and fears about where we were and what lies ahead.  We wondered aloud how best to prepare for it, what steps to take and what to simply put in God’s masterful hands. 

Life was good but naturally had some pitfalls also, new anxieties for both of us but that unconditional bond was there between us, that magic we shared. However, this time, we both had a lifetime mate, we had each found a man that provided us with what we had so longed for all those years ago. We were so happy for each other and yet realized what we had was a different dimension of our womanhood that also needs nurturing from time to time.

With time, those issues sailed away working their way through change. Her and her husband/best friend received full legal custody of their darling son with absolutely no visitation of the mother with major issues.  My life also seemed to be coasting along merrily.  We, this time, made certain, even with distance, we stayed connected feeling certain God made this re-connection for a reason, some divine plan or maybe just because it was pleasurable!

Well, just when the boat didn’t seem like it was going to rock too much anymore, a storm blew through.  It hit both of us, equally hard, but in different

ways. She lost her riches, so much financial backbone they had as a cushion to enrich their life in a few disasters was gone. And I in another horrendous experience lost what I thought was one of the richest things in my life, my relationship with my firstborn grandson, the one born within days of my cancer diagnosis.   At the same time, my trust and relationship with my daughter blew away like a flame on a candle, blown out and all the sudden it was dark never to be light anymore. 

Both of us went through major heartbreak, pain and making adjustments. These were changes thrust on us that seem harder because the older you are, change is not quite as easy but still important to undertake as it is part of learning and growing. Learning to let go of what you can’t control and moving beyond is important, even when it hurts.  Everything you do, as you age, sets an example for those younger than you, it is your legacy.  We simply must show what you can’t control you must accept and change only what you can, yourself. 

We have heard each other’s hurts, each other’s disappointments and each other’s revelations during this time much as we did in all the other times in our lives. We will listen again when more changes come our way in the future and will gladness in our hearts knowing change is, overall good, a sign we are living one more day of God’s overall plan before he brings us both home.  Through the change, the pain, the upcoming winds of change is that pervasive knowledge that I will hold her as a very dear friend tightly, if she needs me and throw her extra oars, and she will toil my line if I need her too.  She has a lifeline and I do too in our husbands. We know we are survivors, in so many ways and stronger for having known each other and tapped into each other’s strength. 

I think many feel the same kinds of winds of change we experience throughout our life at various times, the why me, the you have got to be kidding me’s, the where is this going? But in the end, you have no choice but to button up your

bottom lip and deal with it. As another friend says, shit happens. Good relationships matter, not several, not many at all, just quality ones.  Decide where and who they are and foster those relationships!  And remember you are one of them, yourself!  Take care of you.  When a wind of change attempts to blow you over, reach for a lifeline if you need it, pray to God for added strength and remember always, someone else out in the ocean, just beyond the horizon is going through exactly the same thing.   You are and will be stronger and closer to God’s image if you grow with it!  

Fall is Approaching

The ending of summer is like turning a page to start a new chapter.  The memories of what we did and how we spent our time will be something we will hold dear in the cold winter months.  But with each season comes a whole new set of experiences, often unique to that season that we can cherish.

Summer was full of color this year in Tennessee as there was enough rain to keep flowers in bloom. Grasses stayed green instead of turning brown which made for scenic walks and drives. Kids rode bikes as there were plenty of warm days. The swimming pools in the neighborhood and elsewhere were packed many days as everyone outside headed for a cool water of body to try to withstand the heat.

Our pool water became quite warm, feeling more like a bath than a cold dip in the pool. But nonetheless, we used it, swimming for exercise, lounging on floaties and hanging out with friends in the water just to chat.  Oh there was even a day it was raining and I found myself with a raft over my head talking to a friend that was doing exactly the same in the center of the pool! Nearby friends were laughing as we must have looked silly.  But then again, summer brings out the child in all of us, from time to time.

Hoping your summer was full of moments worth remembering.  Every day is a blessing so each is worth celebrating whether it is the heat of summer or the oncoming fall foliage turning colors. Savor it for it represents the best nature has to offer us.  In turn, may it inspire you to make the changes you need to make so that your next chapter is worth reading!  

Any Regrets?

If I could live my life over again, would I change anything?  Such a deep question and if I had been asked years ago, readily I would have responded yes.  Now, I would just as quickly have to say no. Maybe with some regret because, honestly, there were some bad choices and decisions along the way. Some of those choices hurt others too. 

But I have learned over the period of my life that it is important to make amends with myself.  Asking for forgiveness, when I can, with some of those I have hurt when the error was mine, is sometimes the best any of us can do.  And then forgiving myself, working through the pain and disappointment of those choices is what must be done.  To move on is what is called living in the present.   To not, is to live in the past.  It steals us of our gifts of life, our present relationships, of our development and those around us that want to develop with us. 

I look at all I have now, of all God has blessed me with and realize, changing my past could jeopardize any one of those blessings. Then I am faced with more troubling questions. If I changed one aspect in my past, would it have led to me not making a choice that would have led to something being gone from my life.  Would I be without my wonderfully supportive best friend, my husband Jim that it took two other marriages first to find?   My daughter might not have gotten to plan her dream wedding in Kentucky. Would somehow I have jeopardized the chances of my son moving to TN and having three grandchildren near me?  Would I not have met some of my dearest friends, all cancer survivors, from having had the disease or the many other friends I have come to love?  I could not pay that high of a price.  Those blessings have come to mean so much to me, they are priceless.

The other thing I have reflected on is the perception of our lives as we age. People view our lives through their own lenses, their own filters without having walked in our shoes.  Many not really wanting to know the details, hence they form judgments without knowing facts. It is easier these days to think the worse than the positive for some reason.  Society prefers to put others down rather than build them up.  I feel my mistakes are few and my successes many.  I am overall proud of how I have lived my life and how I have faced adversity.  I have made sacrifices throughout my life to provide for my two children the best I could.  I put myself through college and worked most of my life.  Yes, I made and had my issues but overall, I survived through it all.   

Thus, it has made it easy, at this stage of my life to say yes, I would not change a thing. I am saddened indeed by what I have lost.  I am heartbroken by doors that have been shut but I also realize I am not in complete control of my destiny, I never have been.  God is watching over me now as he was when I was a little girl guiding me every step of the way, whether someone is being kind to me or being cruel.  I have his everlasting love.  That is enough to make me smile, embrace my life and feel indeed blessed! 

The Tear

Once in a while
In spite of the beauty that surrounds me
I feel that little bit of moisture start to seep out of my eyes
And I know a small storm is beginning to brew
Down in my soul
I can feel it and no one can see it

Not yet anyways
But they will, before not too long
My tear ducts are awakened again.


Sometimes they seem to go on forever on a dry spell
I can go through all the motions of life,

Ride the highs, coast through the gray skies
and feel no sorrow, just hopefulness

And even love the realities of life, the full circle
Life, living and death

Like four seasons

Winds of change

And then one day, out of the blue, like a hurricane no one saw coming,
my tears begin to fall.
Slowly at first, and then they pick up momentum,
sort of like they are making up for lost time.

I watch the raindrops fall on my wrist and I wonder
Why must life sometimes be so full of sadness
That raindrops come from my face and not just from the sky.
Is it perhaps because to be human is to feel humility, to feel vulnerable and yet to experience pain?



I hold fast to the notion this will pass
Knowing that in sadness there is always a rising that follows