If I could live my life over again, would I change
anything? Such a deep question and if I
had been asked years ago, readily I would have responded yes. Now, I would just as quickly have to say no. Maybe
with some regret because, honestly, there were some bad choices and decisions
along the way. Some of those choices hurt others too.
But I have learned over the period of my life that it is
important to make amends with myself.
Asking for forgiveness, when I can, with some of those I have hurt when
the error was mine, is sometimes the best any of us can do. And then forgiving myself, working through
the pain and disappointment of those choices is what must be done. To move on is what is called living in the present. To not, is to live in the past. It steals us of our gifts of life, our
present relationships, of our development and those around us that want to
develop with us.
I look at all I have now, of all God has blessed me with and
realize, changing my past could jeopardize any one of those blessings. Then I
am faced with more troubling questions. If I changed one aspect in my past,
would it have led to me not making a choice that would have led to something
being gone from my life. Would I be
without my wonderfully supportive best friend, my husband Jim that it took two
other marriages first to find? My
daughter might not have gotten to plan her dream wedding in Kentucky. Would
somehow I have jeopardized the chances of my son moving to TN and having three
grandchildren near me? Would I not have
met some of my dearest friends, all cancer survivors, from having had the
disease or the many other friends I have come to love? I could not pay that high of a price. Those blessings have come to mean so much to
me, they are priceless.
The other thing I have reflected on is the perception of our
lives as we age. People view our lives through their own lenses, their own
filters without having walked in our shoes.
Many not really wanting to know the details, hence they form judgments
without knowing facts. It is easier these days to think the worse than the
positive for some reason. Society
prefers to put others down rather than build them up. I feel my mistakes are few and my successes
many. I am overall proud of how I have
lived my life and how I have faced adversity.
I have made sacrifices throughout my life to provide for my two children
the best I could. I put myself through
college and worked most of my life. Yes,
I made and had my issues but overall, I survived through it all.
Thus, it has made it easy, at this stage of my life to say
yes, I would not change a thing. I am saddened indeed by what I have lost. I am heartbroken by doors that have been shut
but I also realize I am not in complete control of my destiny, I never have
been. God is watching over me now as he
was when I was a little girl guiding me every step of the way, whether someone
is being kind to me or being cruel. I
have his everlasting love. That is
enough to make me smile, embrace my life and feel indeed blessed!
