God's Grace is Among Us

The confusion over the identity of who you are by some people is not something that can be understood by simple explanations. Some people don’t want to hear them because they have foregone conclusions. Who people are often more felt, intuition, or experienced by interactions. The test of time can be revealing also, more so than by simply taking an experience and placing judgement without knowing all the facts. Live your life going off your gut, guided by the light of God when and if you decide to evaluate people and try not to be judgmental.

Many times in life we are faced with crossroads with people, those near and dear to us and those we pass in work and interpersonal relationships. Associations bring conflict; it is a fact of life. Stronger is the person that can face these head on and resolves them. The ones that can merely classify them quickly and walk away without forethought is the person that thinks life is simple that no one deserves a second thought and takes people for granted, the gifts of others is not to be taken lightly. Living a life with regret is a hard thing to overcome down the line. Looking back, some you left in the dust you may find would have been your best adversaries.  

Each person you will meet in life has value and was brought into your life for a purpose, part of God’s master plan. Be certain you uncover the reason. There are those who are truly meant to float in and then fade into the woodwork of your past. They are stepping stones for your future period. But there are also some that are the fabric of your being, those that built you up and helped you become the person you are and could have built up more, if you had stayed involved, engaged. The test of time is the ones that stuck through it all with you, helped you preserve when times were tough.  Who was and would have been there when you head was low, when you didn’t win, and still had your back?

If you find those people walk away from you without a second thought, the sadness can be painful but the reality is you gave what you had to give without conditions. And we are called to love and give without conditions. Expect nothing in return and then you are altruistic. In a perfect world, we are returned love unconditionally and friends reciprocate. We are trusted, not judged and given lead way to grow. In reality, not everyone has the ability to love or be a true friend, partner or family member for life. Growing pains may be, to some, learning the difference.

Working with someone who is quick to judgement and doesn’t appreciate your efforts is equally disheartening but par for the course of employment in today’s times. Know that the compassion comes in handy and you are the bigger person for having the strength of character to accept fate, a rejection f sorts and move beyond. Everyone doesn’t have to accept you as you are, but then again, many others will, free of their own prejudices and constraints.  Being hateful for the person that degrades you or pushes you away nets nothing but internal hatred for others or makes you no better than the person who pushes your goodness away. Rise up, take notice and move on.  

To live in peace requires an ability to let bygones be simply that, part of the fabric of your past. One must learn to let others let you go, let you be part of the fabric of their past. Even when the pain of letting go seems hard, hurtful or disloyal to you. Life is not about always winning but knowing when the ship has sailed and you are not meant to be onboard. Learn when the energy to hop on board is a sacrifice to your own inner peace.

Fighting for the right to be a part of someone’s life should not be a constant battle. We need to recognize God is who we must prove our loyalty to in the end, not to men or women on earth, not to those who betray our confidence or goodness and our faith. In the end, He will see that we receive our bountiful and the right people love us the way we were meant to be loved and received in his grace.

You are goodness,

Full of a heart of gold,

Don’t let anyone,

Turn your spirit cold.

You have a mission,

To make your life a shining light,

Others may try to cut you down,

But just hold your candle to a higher height.

Past Teen-Age Loves

They met outdoors, where the sun shines and trees blossom in the spring 

huge in the park unhindered by man. It was a sweet relationship that didn’t’ last

all that long but had its moments of bliss, moments sealed with a kiss and a few tiffs.  There even was a special time sharing hopes and dreams on the telephone, just two young high school kids in love, in love with being in love.

The funny thing about being young is you see what you want to see.  You talk about things teens talk about, looking at the world through the eyes of youth and innocence.  This is part of the beauty of youth, the imaginary mind of seeing all things possible, of believing in fairy tale endings. 

We grow up and meet some of those past love interests that slipped through the grasps of our fingertips in the past.  And as adults, through the trials and tribulations of experiences, we have matured and changed, some of us anyways. Our value systems may have changed. Some people, no doubt, change more than others, some develop more character, fine tune their value systems and become more compassionate.  Adults we knew as children can become catalysts for change in our world; champions for causes for helping fellow human beings have opportunities to advance their lives so that there is no semblance of a caste system anywhere. Some adults are content just existing, enjoying moment by moment. The range of ways we approach our lives is as diverse as people are unique. But what we evolved into is quite often not what any of us envisioned as teens.

Thus teen love interests were usually not meant to last. Connecting with these old love interests can be precious and can be disheartening. Waking up to the realities that, when you were young and innocent, you were like so many youth today, only seeing people through the eyes of idealism and not realism is a hard fact to face. You were human!  You were fallible to wanting to believe something that was not true. Age truly does sharpen your intuition and make you a better judge of character and what matters to you and yes, to those other potential long ago ‘love interests.”  Seeing that those people you thought were so wonderful are on quite different paths of how they define happiness from you and right and wrong is important so you do not live with regret.    The kid that was arrogant may still be or not be at all. The one that seemed insecure may have grown into a man quite full of himself. The girl that was the prettiest may now be someone who is focused on more important things.  Seeing these changes can impact us in positive ways.

Someone told me awhile back that I saw them through youthful eyes still. Looking back, they were right; I see them through idealist eyes, the way I wanted to see them, not for who they are.  I thought they had changed, maybe they had or maybe they were that way all along and my innocence never picked up the signs.  I wanted my value system today to be theirs so that a bond would still exist and we could be friends. When the morality and character are so vastly different, the odds of having a friendship dissipate.   Relationships don’t work that way. People are meant to move in and out of your life, not everyone can stay.  Learn what you can about past relationships and how you viewed those people as a youth but let go of those innocent eyes, of looking at past lovers through dream-struck visions because the reality is they are flawed individuals too. Their paths may have been meant to cross over yours again but may not be meant to stay.

Friendships can be Fleeting

Friendships can be fleeting,                     

They may simmer and be hot,

Sharing highs and lows

Helps one mature a lot.

But life is full of challenges.

And relationships can unfold,

When feelings aren’t reciprocated,

The end of the story should be told.

It is hard when there are memories,

That fill your heart with joy,

But over time those moments

Can become a decoy.   

Our lives are enriched,

Just by having friends,

But it is important to recognize

When the time has come for it to end.

Not every friend is there forever,

For our standards do go up,

One must ask themselves,

Is the quality filling my cup.

There is no goodbye spoken,

No words from the lips will pass,

But distance grows insipidly

And the feelings are gone alas.

Do not look with sadness,                    

For the goodness was worth the pain,

Losing time with one friend,

Opens windows for future gain.

The thinner we spread ourselves,       

By hanging on to unreliable friends,

Translates to less energy,

To the dear friends that will bend.

So when you evaluate a friendship,

A word of strong advice,

Ones to truly value,

Are friends who always treat you nice.

Proverb 18:24

One who has unreliable friends  soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. 

Get Real About Relationships

Loving somebody sometimes means letting them go. Not everyone in life is going to accept who you are, what you stand for and your character defects. But at the end of the day, some things won’t change.  And we are created uniquely for a reason. If you have to change for someone to accept you, don’t.

Too often in marriages when people marry young, they are not fully able to understand the commitment involved with forging a relationship with a lifetime mate.  They are twice as likely to end in divorce.  Interesting that Divorce360.com suggests the ideal age to wait is late twenties before taking that huge step.  Younger couples marrying can be more for reasons related more to the stage of development they are in, through no fault of their own. Thus when one changes or grows the other spouse is left in the windfall. How likely is it that two individuals will mature at the same rate?  Even if they do, often times, one looks at the other as they mature and realizes loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean they are a lifetime match.  What’s more, divorce is so easy to obtain. 

Success rates for marriages are compounded by ages, culture differences and so many other obstacles.  Dr. Phil has quoted studies that show women who have came from divorced homes are 59% more likely to divorce. If both parties have come from such a home, the rate increases to 189% per Journal of Marriage and the Family. Many between the ages of 20 and 29 believe they are looking to marry a soul mate. However, soul mates may not be the best criteria for picking a lifetime mate.  A soul mate is usually reserved for people in your life that awaken a deeper sense of purpose to your life, a deeper understanding of you.  Frequently, this encounter(s) or individuals actually leave your life, and are not permanent fixtures, such as a preacher, a teacher, or an author. This word, soul mate gets thrown around like the word love, carelessly and without really understanding what the word implies and means.

Lifetime mates are the relationships that contain mutual respect, being physically present and creating memories.  Your individuality is something that should be created and discovered by you alone. That is the piece you bring to a relationship. Too many use their marriage as one uses a co-worker, to enhance themselves. It should always be about giving and mutually building towards a common goal. It also takes work and is not something that comes easily like lust.

Relationships coming unglued is not limited to marriages, it spills over into families as well. Too many times, boundary lines are ignored and someone encroaches on another’s.  Codependency is said by some to occur to 96% of women at some point in their life. This means needs are often at the forefront of relationships. Thus, women who subscribe to co-dependent relationships can write off family when they feel there is no need for them in their life.  Once the need and attention is gone, the will to retain the relationship is too.

Friendships are easily created and disposed of with no real complications. However, if the relationship is built on the true components that make lasting relationships work; these can be some of the most committed relationships we experience as adults.  Infact, statistics show social networks,  having true friends in one’s live can improve their lifespan as high as 50%!  Grab a friend and go get lunch!

Part of the reason for the strong emphasis on friendships with experts in this area is that they tend to be built on validation of self. Friends show us we are valued, friends support our goals without any ulterior motive and to many, a great friendship is more invaluable than a family tie. It is entirely a relationship built on choice, thereby it can easily be disposed of so the work continues constantly to keep it fresh, intimate and supportive.

The magazine US News & Money, of all publications, put out on article on this topic of the need for friendships in our life. “ At the end of the day, a friend can be the emotional oasis that makes all the difference.”  Friends make you happy and way too often, families make each other sad.  Friends accept you and families are twice as likely to judge you and not accept your frailties.  This is regarding close friends, and it has been proven over and over again, they make a huge impact on our lives.  Have great friendships with even a few people and you are rewarded with living happier and healthier. 

What is surprising is that adults don’t take the skill sets they use to form mutually rewarding and satisfying friendships into the other relationships in their lives. Experts say marriages are so much happier when there is a solid foundation of friendship.  Spouses who lift each other up expounding on positives verses negatives make a union longer lasting.  Noone enjoys being put down and being labeled. 

Within families, too often bygones are not forgotten or forgiven.  Within a good friendship, there is no expectation of perfection.  Whether is it considered more hurtful when it is a family member letting you down or just pure lack of love, many families don’t believe in working things out. It has become a more disposable society we live in and it has transposed to our family unit. Divorce your spouse and cut out any family that makes you angry. The prevalence of negativity and unsupportive regard for one another is breaking families apart.

The good news is friendships, good friendships, survive the test of time and actually enhance as we age.  This is partly because we make time for those we care about, we listen with open ears and forgive them for their transgressions.  We allow them to be human. 

I suppose the take away is to evaluate what qualities you have in your best friendships.  Those are the qualities that should be mandating all of your relationships in life. If someone doesn’t accept you and treat you as a good close friend, don’t let them in your inner circle. This should be a special appointed place for few.   If they are toxic, let them go.  They will only serve to make you unhappy, unhealthy and those around you miserable.  

God intends for us to be loving and kind to each other. Some have that ability and many do not. This world is harsh, our inner relationships shouldn’t be. You are worthy of being loved and in equal standing relationships too. Let those who judge you, hurt you,  or mar you, find a way to make their own sense of peace, or not. You are responsible for yours!  

Make sure the relationships you foster are the kind that build you up and others. When your day comes to leave this earth, your legacy will be the quality of the relationships you had and not those you did not.