Children & The Impact of Divorce

After the “I dos” of marriage comes the “I don’ts” many weren’t expecting!  After a wedding, it seems like the start of something big, and beautiful but marriage can be far from that. Like any relationship it takes work. But the diligent work doesn’t get done half the time for various reasons. Thus, many in America are divorced and its effects are felt on the little people who don’t have a say in the decision.

 For the third year in a row, divorce rates have dropped. That is the good news, the bad news is we still had, in 2016, a 40-50% divorce rate in America. With second time marriages, it is much higher.  It is interesting to know, we use to have the highest divorce rate of all the nations and have dropped in our standing! However, this still leave so many children in broken homes in our country. 23% are living with single mothers and most of the rest in blended families. It is estimated by U.S. Consensus Bureau in 2016 there are 73.7 million children affected and living in divorced homes in some type of different home situation than the nuclear family.

The effects of divorce on children is overwhelming profound anxiety. Much more in-depth effects is available on Focus on the Family’s website.  Parents are supposed to be problem solvers and a safety net for children. Divorce is change, failure, loss and a fear of conflict meaning no stability again.

A few weeks ago, while swimming in our pool at our Clubhouse I noticed two young girls swimming in the shallow end. They turned out to be 8 years old and 10 years old when they swam over and introduced themselves to me. They asked if they could talk to me. I was surprised by the question and told them sure. I then asked who they were there with and why would they want to talk to an adult, me, when they can play in the pool. The answer stunned me.  They wanted to just talk.

The older child, 10, explained she was there with her grandmother, whom she pointed out laying in a chair by the pool texting on her cellphone. They enjoy coming over to the grandmother’s house together, one was a friend of the other.  The 10 year old went on to say that her parents were divorced and her friend repeated this about her home also. They both went on to tell me, in very unemotional voice that they don’t get much of a chance to talk to adults. They thought I looked like someone who would talk and listen to them. I told them I was a grandma too and they were very excited. By now, I had their undivided attention, whether I wanted it or not.

I explained to them I came from a divorce home too and understood it can be hard to adjust. It takes time. The 10 year old (I am intentionally leaving out names) shocked me with her next comments. She said that it had been a couple years now since her parents divorced. Her father left the area and now never has any contact with her.  She said “I will probably never see my real dad again.” Her mother had a new boyfriend again and she didn’t even know his name but he was living with them.  I questioned why she didn’t know his name. She said it is not worth worrying about, he will leave sooner or later like all the others.  They get along, they fight and then they break up so I try not to care about any new boyfriends, besides they really don’t care much about me.” The 8 year old said, basically the same thing. I asked the girls how are you feeling about all this change in their life?

Listen to the response:  “It doesn’t bother me anymore, we are used to it. See, we figured it out. People get married to have kids and then get divorced. So a lot of kids don’t really have a mom and

dad  anymore. I wish I was one that did. Mine moved far away, to get away from us I guess.”  The 8 year old looked at the 10 year old and said “I never get much attention anymore, my mom is too busy with her latest boyfriend. It has changed so much.” Her older friend, her mentor, assured her that this was normal. “Don’t feel bad, it is life,” she said. She explained to her friend that the time was over for both her parents to care about her, she was practically grown now and in school.  She likes meeting new men and then bringing them home to live with her.  She said that is why friends are so good for us. She then looked at her friend who looked quite sad, and said “Try to learn to accept it. It really is okay, it won’t change just because you are sad.”

I was silent for a few moments, unsure what to say. No one wants to add more confusion into a child’s life so I simply said you are valued and loved children for being children, never ever forget that. I suggested they talk to their parents but was met with, we tried, and she never has time for us anymore. It really is okay, we are fine, the older one proclaimed with a smile, but alittle on the forced side.  Underneath, below the surface, was the adult sadness in both girls’ eyes.

This is simply two girls, a sampling of the millions of children living in broken homes in America. But it clearly shows that, when getting divorced, do not make the mistake of divorcing your children’s needs. Your children were created, not by choice, and should have a right to getting attention and love.  This conversation was much deeper below the surface.

Parents are role models, they will follow the patterns you establish. Don’t invite other partners into your home without explaining to your children who they are and giving them a few chances to catch their breath, especially if you are bringing in people like a revolving door. This affects children for life, decreasing their chances of having a successful happy, fulfilled marriage.  They think this is the norm, not the exception and will not take commitment seriously. Because yours didn’t work, don’t condemn them to failure.

But, I think the biggest lesson I learned and was reminded of in my own life is the importance of talking to your children. Open communication lines, by the way, goes in two directions. You use interpersonal communication skills to talk to them and then allow them, make the time, the biological parent! Listen, not just to what your kids say but what they do and how they do it. Try to keep both parents an active part or some small part of their lives. Failing grades, health issues or restless sleeping are all signs of maladjustment. Seek a therapist for both your child and you if there are issues and don’t just leave it to chance. They are worth more than that.

There is nothing worse than feeling, like these girls went on to tell me, an old tire, long forgotten and pulled off the car when the divorce happened. They felt, as many do, there really was no purpose for them in their parents’ life anymore.  They deserve more love, attention and respect than that. Freedom from a bad marriage comes at a cost. Don’t make your children the ones that have to pay the heaviest price.

Marriage Minus an Affair

Affair-proof marriages are possible. Affairs are also possible in marriages in any situation, whether you have been married only a few years, have a crazy life, many children or appear on  social media to have what epitomizes perfect marital bliss. It has more to do with the daily rituals of your life than the passion and love you share with your spouse.

Too often people make the assumption that pre-arranged marriages have a zero chance of being happy. How in the world can two people who never met, forced into marriage ever fall in love?   What allows that to happen?

In comparison, ask yourself how in the world marriages by choice can withstand the changes that occur when a child dies, a troubled teen in a blended family, one is diagnosed with a debilitating disease, both partners are forced to work and one hates their job as it becomes demanding, money becomes scarce, their neighborhood develops issues, school problems develop with their children? It is as much of a surprise a marriage can last even with a self-made choice!

Granted many pre-arranged marriages are in not ideal circumstances in underdeveloped backward countries.  Infact, 11% are under the age of 15 according to Statistic Brain’s website. But also listed is the overall whooping worldwide divorce rate, 6.3! Oh and arranged marriages are also done in America too. This compares with US non-arranged divorce rate of somewhere between 40-50%. Some say that rate is too high and could be as low as 3.7 out of 1,000 but keep in mind the number of marriages in the US is 2,118,000.

I am in no way advocating pre-arranged marriages but have to consider what is it that makes marriages work and not work. In reading about the reasons why affairs occur, observation and talking to people that have cheated a few things stand out. Top on the list is the regular needs for affection and attention were not being met.

When we date, we take time to communicate loving messages, give undivided attention, date, and foster a friendship.  We try to win each other over.  These are human needs. Most people want to marry the person that fulfills these needs the most, someone who will meet these needs for the rest of their life. Others will be drawn to eye candy, someone they see a fulfilling their fantasy mate and thinking this will satisfy all the other needs, and even if not, they can live without the other with this awesome looking spouse because no one has it all.

Somewhere between the I do’s and day to day living, life gets in the way.  Gone are some of the things you craved and loved the most about the person you married. We sense red flags, often subconsciously.

Do you know many are surprised to find their spouse is cheating with someone they consider beneath them, someone younger, less accomplished or someone less attractive?  See it usually isn’t about the person’s stature at all, it is about the need they fulfill, the need their spouse once filled. Gone is the spouse’s accountability or feel for responsibility to fill that need. There may be signs all over that the marriage is on the rocks and pushed aside for the kids, the job, the finances, but it is ignored as less important as the challenges in day to day life. And yet is it the glue that holds everything else together. 

Too often, divorce is not even considered at this point. No one really even usually thinks about cheating. They sort of fall into it, by chance.  Slowly someone starts sensing something missing in their life. And someone else starts slowly but surely fulfilling it, maybe without knowing and maybe by capitalizing on it.  Incidentally, of both sexes 66% believe you can cheat online. 

The need most attribute to cheating is quite similar. For men they characterize it by describing it, as I said about, being dissatisfied with their relationship in general and most likely sex.  Women feel emotionally deprived. Many statistics can be found on many websites but all concur that half of cheaters feel guilty but more than half don’t regret it.

Knowing the reasons is the first step towards having an affair proof marriage. The solution is within your marriage, your relationship. No one outside can tell you exactly how to fix it because each of us is unique thus our relationship is. However, fostering our initial relationship as a deep abiding friendship and dating scenario is always important.

In prearranged marriages, they must court a process of getting to know each other and continually work, if they are to create a bond and fall in love. Their goal is create a family that loves and cares for each other. It is very much possible by learning to respect each other and sharing things together, being attentive and meeting each other’s needs. Perhaps that is why, in developed countries their divorce rates are lower. I am not talking about countries where marriage are forced on children under-age!  

Happy older couples will tell you they can easily walk away from their kids and house chores and spend time with their spouse. It matters not what they do. They don’t need an anniversary, or an excuse to get out and away.  This is their marriage and they want to keep it alive and exciting.  We need to take a page from their book, from their history and let our history repeat theirs.  No matter what is going on in life, we need to be that co-worker that stops working to listen, that friend that will take our spouses hand and invite them in for a cup of coffee. If you aren’t willing to find the time, someone else will. You deserve it and so do they.  If a car needs a tune-up and you take time to care for it, certainly take time to do it with your relationship with your lifelong mate!

I believe in the institution of marriage but I also believe divorces are needed. Some make hasty decisions and aren’t ready for the commitment. Some marry, quite simply, the wrong person. But there are many that let the relationship fall by the wayside when it could have easily been fostered. It is like neglect, something not fostered doesn’t feel beautiful or appreciated.

If you can say I do, you must say I will, find the time to love the one I want to be with, and then do it!

Hearing the Sound of Angels

So they played,

They acted as if all was the same,

They ran around in circles,

While neighbors called them names.

They ran to the backyard,

And gathered fruit from the trees,

They bit into their tough skins,

And they laughed with glee.

They danced to their house,

And they quickly looked around,

And were confronted with the memory,

Their parents’ room had not one sound.

It is funny that, as I have aged, my long-term memory has gotten so much better than my short-term memory. Because of that, I remember so much more about my childhood.  I understand this is not altogether uncommon. However, being from a divorced home and in rare circumstances, it caused a lifelong bond between my older sister and I, unlike most siblings. 

In my case, my parents were divorced when I was younger, in the 1960's. At that time, divorces weren't as common but were dramatically increasing. It was hard to process as a child. My parents seem to argue a lot from what I can recall. They seemed in love one minute and shouting at each other the next. Terri and I were left standing in the middle, in a home where the tension could be thick hanging in the air and we sometimes felt forgotten with all the turbulence going on. I can literally remember an old stand up vacuum cleaner and us each standing on one side each and hugging each other around it wanting to disappear out of the room. We wondered if the fighting would ever stop.   I was too young to process what the arguments were about. I was too young to understand also why our mother seemed to be gone frequently.   

Mom one day was gone, just like that. And she didn't come back.   I don’t recall a good-bye. I vaguely remember Dad sitting down and talking to my sister Terri and I about explanations but how does a child process their mom isn't coming home.  It never registered, it never seemed quite plausible. A mom deserting her children, something seemed amiss and the pain stayed, the scars never quite healed, we just tried to hide them from everyone except each other. 

We loved dad something fierce but my big sister, only two and a half years older than me became even more important in my life then. She was hurt as much, if not more than me. But with mom gone, I felt alone and she felt she needed to protect me. I didn't want to add to Dad's pain and my sister said we needed to help Dad so she was my confidante for what I was feeling and going through. 

As time went by, she became, in my mind at times, a sorta surrogate mom, I went to her when I was hurting. And yet we competed for Dad's attention. Having lost Mom we were scared of losing our father too. We knew if Mom had walked away from us, it was possible Dad would fall out of love with us too. We use to talk about this as kids in our rooms and I would bawl and Terri would assure me she would always be there for me regardless and hold me. As a child, it is never quite understood. Dad told us things about our mother's parenting skills but who really gets that or wants to think poorly of a parent. And we internalizes those issues. Part of us even blamed him at times. 

In those days, the 60’s, divorces were rising about 1% every 1-2 years and by the 1970 the rates were about 33%. The percentage, though, of single fathers with custody of their children was 1%.  We were an abnormality. In fact, in today's standards, we would be too as most households have joint custody or custody is given to the mothers.  We were an oddity in society and it was not lost on us or our father.  

Terri and I felt abandoned. Two little girls with a nothing but a male in the house.  A father who was hurt and angry with an ex-wife and two young girls to raise on his own. Our lives, our childhood was never the same. Our feelings, Terri and I's about each other and ourselves was never the same. Terri tried to assure me, and herself, we would be okay but neither of us quite believed it.   

Dad needed a caretaker for us, to replace our mother so he hired an old lady to be our nanny, Mrs. Train. She lived with us except for one

weekend a month when she went and stayed with her son.  And so there we were, living in the same house we lived in as a family, with a mom and a dad except now there was no mom. In its place was a nanny, a sweet old woman we grew very attached too.  Our dad changed right before our eyes.  Divorce does that to adults, as I learned myself going through my own,it's unavoidable. The effect though, on children can be harder to detect.

  

Neighborhood kids quickly learned we had no mother and our parents were divorced. It would have somehow been easier on us if she were dead. Kids were cruel to us, bullying us both. We were chanted at during bus stopswaits, while riding bikes, you name it as the girls who were so bad that their own mother left them.  They lived with a nanny because their dad couldn't stand to be around them either.  

 We were the joke and the object of curiosity.  It was heart-wrenching. As we were trying to get adjusted to the change, we walked outside and were confronted with mean screams. There were even calls to the house with neighbor kids yelling things at us. We had hang-up calls, with even our house-keeper getting them. She, at times, would take the phone off the hook.  

One family that pretty much dominated the neighborhood, the Coffees, called us two losers and worse. It didn’t matter whether it was true or not. I began to wonder if there was some truth to it, it was hard to process. Through all the tears, my sister Terri kept vigil over me in the

neighborhood.She would seek me out if I was hiding in the woods behind the Coffee's house till the chanting would stop. She would answer the calls and yell bad things back. She would even punch them if they touched me. It became common knowledge, if you mess with me, you mess with my big sister.

Terri would coach me on how to handle these situations, how to stand up for myself. Terri never seemed to care if she got hurt defending me. Her attitude was I was her little sister and I had no mother so she was going to step in and be there for me always.   She would even get tied to trees by them girls and left there. I would have to find her sometimes out there and untie her when they were gone.  She was brave and told me not to let Dad know how bad it was at times. We didn't want to risk Dad leaving us or getting angry with us if we were partly to blame.  

Our nanny was too old to come out and go around the neighborhood to talk to parents or kids so Terri did it. Dad didn’t come home till later and he just seemed to have too much on his mind for us to bother him with it. I am not sure he ever really knew the full extent of what we went through, how bad the teasing actually got.

We worshiped our dad. He loved us enough not to leave us even if we were bad girls. If he had left, we would have had nobody.  It was lonely at times and made us both feel we had to earn his love and not take it for granted. Losing a parent that is still alive is very isolating. We always felt somewhat different, rejected at the core. But Terri always let me know no matter what I did, rejection of me was never going to happen in her lifetime.  That helped me so much back then knowing someone was security. 

  

We tried to pretend nothing changed in our world but quickly saw we had to do more on our own. We didn't come home to a mom, we came home to an old woman, not our grandmother. We had no one to really confide in but each other and because I was youngest, I used my sister and she had really no one. Dad was a gamble, we didn't want to bend his ear and have him leave us.  I can't remember if, when our mom was living with us, if she was around enough to help us or not. But, at this time in our life, it didn't matter. There was not a mother option at all. 

We wanted our dad to love us more so he wouldn’t leave so we tried to please him even harder. We use to talk about how we needed to not get Dad mad at us so he stayed loving us . Terri was my coach on how to do this and reinforced what I was doing well to please him. Oh yes, we fought, more so to win his attention! I think he knew some of our frustration because when he began dating, he tried to include us on some of his dates, once he was dating a woman for a while.   It made us love our dad even more; our dad was truly our hero.

He told us he was sorry he wasn’t home more but he was looking for a mother for us and a wife so we could be a real family again.  We listened closely and with childlike enthusiasm but we didn't share it really. We did not want to share him with anyone, the little bit of time we had with him. We thought aloud, what was to say a new woman wouldn't hate us if our own mother rejected us? He never assured us that wouldn't happen and we knew it was a possibility.   We met several women during those days. Terri, my big sister, would tell me what would be good about each one as our new prospective mother so I wouldn't be crushed at the prospect. She was the one to assure me all would be okay in the end. I looked up to her as I needed her, that pillar as I had no mom to cling to.

During this time, I would sleep with my sister a lot, especially when I was missing my mom. She would let me lay against her and remind me how much she loved me. Terri, even though young herself, seemed to sense it and stepped in the best she could in that type of role. If there was a storm, I would tip-toe to her room so I wouldn’t be heard and whisper to her I was scared. Terri would understand and play the role my mother use to. She would lift up her covers, like my mom use to on thundery nights, and tell me to come in close and assure me I was safe with her. She was a parent, in some ways to me. It was probably too much of a burden for her in some ways but it was all I had. 

Dad finally found a woman that was the one that made his heart sing. It became increasingly clear; this was the one he would marry.  She seemed to like us but was much younger than him. Looking back now,  it was probably hard to marry someone with a ready-made family, two daughters, both in grade school  and try to fill the step-mother role , never having had children before. Being a step-parent is a tough role to play.  It is so hard to define your position in a child’s life and how it plays out in a new marriage.

When they were married, we had to say good-bye to Mrs. Train. A nanny was no longer needed with a new step-mother in the house. But, the nanny was someone we had been living with for years. We had spent more time with her than our father for several years now. And we had grown to love her and be somewhat nurturing to us. And now, she was leaving. It opened a raw wound in my sister and I reminding us no matter who we loved they would leave. We realized stability of love was never going to be a part of our childhood other than each other. We cried and were quite heart-broken and were assured we'd see her again. Yet, we never did. 

It became clear, pretty quickly, we were indicators of a past relationship to our new step-mother. We were a reflection of our real mother to her in ways. She wanted the relationship to work and we did too.  I am not sure it was anyone’s fault, maybe it was inevitable but it created a rift, undeniably. There was resentment on our part that we lost even more of our father, lost our nanny and then we knew she found things about us distasteful. We had not been parented by a mother so I am sure there were.  

This made us feel like we were the outsiders in our home, particularly when our dad moved us and our newly formed family to a new home.  We called her mom but always felt a sense we were forced on her. If our own mother didn’t love us, why would she? And we rebelled against her too, in ways.  And she quickly became pregnant with a baby. That baby was their child and from then on, it was clear we were second-rate children, not the preferred. 

Terri began on a path of more rebellion than me, being the older of the two of us, particularly when the new son was born.  Dad pulled us aside and told us if troubles continued we would both have to be sent away to a boarding school.  

There it was, the rejection we both knew was coming. It had only been a matter of time. I hated my sister, she had assured me we would not get left again, not by our Dad if we were good. There we sat, after he left the room, his new bedroom, not saying a word for a few minutes. My sister Terri spoke first.  As she spoke, tears rolled down my face. I can't remember a single thing she said because my heart was crushed. I hated her at that moment and a piece of me hated her for years and years. I felt she had lied to me.  I trusted her.  But I still hung on to her, when we weren't fighting. I still shared secrets of my feelings and thoughts with her and let her share hers with me.  No one understood me better, those deep feelings of being rejected better than her or me her feelings than I.  

  

My older sister continued to let me tag along with her friends.  I was insecure more than ever now.  One minute Terri and I fought like cats and dogs, furiously, taking out all our frustration on each other.   Then, the next minute, she was defending me. In so many ways, back then, and still today, we are as different as day and night. In other ways, the similarities between my sister Terri and I are tenfold as we age. We both took different paths. In other ways, are lives played out not so differently. We both went through divorces, proving the cycle of dysfunctional marriage continues in generations but we never followed our mother's choice of leaving our children no matter how bad things got in our homes.  We have had years of distance in our relationship but have maintained contact with each other of some sort our entire lives. One of us has children that are incredibly close to their mom and one has children that are not, some of the children have had marriages that have also ended in divorce much like ours and none of our children are close to each other or close to either of us, their aunts. But inspite of that, having no real family even now, either of us, we have found a way to hang on to the thread of our relationship. 

I have learned the biggest lesson of my childhood not from Terri or anyone else. That is a deep  gratefulness to God for putting her and I together in life.  In those early days in my life, when there was no mother and we both felt unloved by a mother that deserted us, she stepped up to the plate and made me feel she was there to try to fill the gaps.  My sister was my cushion to cuddle up to as a mother would have when I needed one.  My father was gone a lot. I worried about him leaving and not loving me. Terri was the one who whispered I love you and held me when I was crying. She was the one that told me I was worthy of being loved. Every little girl deserves and needs that. I am not sure I ever put enough weight on God for giving me a sister to share in that horrible sense of loss and frustration but I sure do now. 

And then, into a new marriage, we both felt like outsiders. It may have been our childish perception but perception is one’s reality and to us, it was real. We felt like misfits much as we had felt like living in a neighborhood when peopled shouted at us about our mother not loving us. When our step-mother got so angry, we were reminded of the association we had with a bad woman, our mom and each time, we felt abit more broken inside.  We carried scars of rejection that have been a strong bond through our lives that perhaps no one but us truly understands. 

Terri has loved me through it all, through all the highs and all the lows.  I have seen family, friends and husbands come and go. In trying to do the right thing, I have come to cross roads and made choices, and found people fall by the wayside. They have floated in my life and floated out of my life. they have chosen to not defend me, not to support me and not care about my feelings. But never has Terri wavered. She was that person that I knew would not judge me, not punish me for a bad decision and never desert me. My big sister doesn't test me, she takes time to always say I love you and never ever rejects me. She is my family, most of my life, the only sure one I have is Terri, my older sister. 

After  Mother’s Day, I realized this must be written to share. Don't take vital relationships in your life for granted. That single one that has been always there, it may be a heaven sent one.  My relationship with my sister may not be perfect, but I saw something that served as a reminder I am not a part of a family now either, not included, invited, acknowledged. My life means not much of anything to most loosely related to me. But to my sister, I am everything! What I thought I was searching for was something I have always had, a sister. A family can be as simple as one person, someone who unconditionally loves you and is willing to go the distance with you.   My dream came true, just not like I expected it too, and so did Terri's. 

Instead of feeling sad or lonely, indeed now I feel blessed. I was always whole and just didn't see it, I didn't feel it inside. And our connection, our bond, Terri and I was part of that wholeness, that family feeling. It was, is a love of acceptance, of our differences, our imperfections and our memories, good and bad, our fights, and our dreams, hopes and realities. It is not a thing of sadness to me but a thing of joy, of God’s blessing. My father did give me the greatest gift of all, a sister that loves me through it all with open arms and heart.  

Take time to watch, listen and talk to your children about divorce.  Know that their heart feels pain too at the death of a marriage and it is much worse when a child feels rejection.  Recognize that family is something special and who those people are that truly comprise the qualities of a family, they may or may not even be people that you are related to. I have several I am not blood-related to. 

May those of you that experience divorce realize that when families split apart, no matter whether it is from divorce or other reasons, many will chose sides and alienate you. Do not let that indicate to you that you are less whole. You are still complete, just walking a new journey.  There is usually at least one person who will always remain true to you, gravitate towards them and don't lose touch.  Don’t allow yourself to continue to be hurt, judged or feel like an outcast. You can't garnish internal strength, confidence and self-love if surrounded by doubters of you. 

The Lord is always watching over you, become stronger with hardship.  Know God has better plans. Know it is never really completely quiet…

When the girls listened again,

They detected bells ringing,

They put their heads together,

There, it was angels singing!

God bless the sister that protects those that need a shoulder to cry on. 
Video of us, Click Here

Double Damage - Stepchildren Can Feel It

I have no real idea what it is like to be a step-parent. When I married my husband now, he had a son from a previous marriage but he was already an adult, so it seems that is different. Being a child when you get a step-parent can feel odd. You instantaneously are looking up at a new adult figure after losing the two key parents you have had from day one.   And this new one you never picked out is an authority figure in, not only your outside life but your home. 

Part of the challenge is trying to assimilate how the pieces fit together in the family dynamics.  First and foremost, the fact a divorce happened in the first place to put this scenario in place makes it apparent to a child, it could happen again. Hence, this adult could be fleeting also. Does the child let down their guard and form a bond when, if the marriage doesn’t work, this new adult will not be a permanent fixture in their life? Reality bites and early on these kids from divorced homes have learned marriages don’t always work.  They are often skeptical of new spouses in the home. They also tend to associate the new stepparent with the reason their parents got divorced, no matter how much time has passed by. Every child dreams their parents will remarry each other.

It is always immediately apparent to the kids they are labeled stepchildren. The chain of command is their natural parent is in charge.  To be careful the new adult doesn’t overstep things, it is drilled into the kids heads but in the meantime, it can have an opposite effect, implying this new person doesn’t really want you but is forced to live with you and take on the role. Often time’s kids feel the spouse is playing the game, trying to win over the parental person so they can win the hand in marriage.  Thus, anything the new adult does is regarded with suspicion.

Resentment is normal and a natural emotion for step-children.  Kids are wise and know that initially actions are not taken out of love.  The adults are often motivated by love of their spouse,  that is reality.  Experts say, no one falls in love with a child immediately. Bonding and learning to love a child takes time. The children are part of the package and usually not the best part of the package! Thus, when discipline and nurturing starts out by a step-parent, it is conceived as more of interference by the children unless it is more of a very gradual process. This makes it hard on both sides, for the child and the adult.

Anytime words are said in heated moments that are reminding children they are not the step-parents child it is going to create a major rift.   This makes the children feel as if they are unwanted baggage.  This happens far too often when children act up, things said such as “You are just like your mother.”  Children are well aware their parents have faults and this also causes them to feel there is something wrong with them as well, if someone is constantly pointing out defects of character in regards to not only them but their missing parent. 

A few statistics below gathered from Smart Step Families Websites:

Second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages.  This seems to be particularly true when there are children from a first marriage involved. 13% of adults are step-parents, approximately 29-30 million! 42 Million Americans are remarried.  100 Million Americans have a step relationship. One-third of all the marriages taking place today are forming step-families. So this issue is quite real, pertinent and facing our society daily.

Disciplining is the single hardest issue that faces step-parents. Children must be dealt with and held to basic rules but there is a fine line between holding down the fort, keeping children safe and crossing over boundary lines too soon. When children are pushed quickly to new rules and regulations that have not been issues before by a step-parent, this is not going to fair well for anyone.  The spouse may back the step-parent, as they should,but the children are going to feel resentful as if their live is being turned upside down even more so. 

Assimilation must occur over time, on all fronts.  Also, harboring unreal expectations of children and creating a laundry list of everything children do wrong to garnish punishments out by the natural parent is not healthy to foster a bond with stepchildren.  Taking time to befriend children, at first, helps foster care, concern and real respect so that, over time, punishment is met with understanding.

Anything done to create mistrust with children and causing even more resentment early on may build a bridge inside a child that will be impossible to knock down.  It can also further complicate the bond that they have with their natural parent, which will infringe on their development in years to come.  This is really an unfair price for the child to pay since they were not responsible for the divorce but simply a fall out casualty. 

 Too often, children react impulsively with step-parents.  Many issues can be resolved if handled with compassion. Dealing with them with severe punishment, harsh name-calling and such will do nothing but create hard feelings. 

Many believe it is not necessary for a loving relationship to even develop in step-parenting relationships but instead it is imperative one develop a kind of mutual respect and care. Whatever gets developed takes time and patience.  The marriage of the newly formed couple must be fostered but it should not be at the cost of a child’s normal development either.   

It is interesting to see, down the road, the next generation may not see the significance of these blended family dynamics, how they played out. When this occurs, it has a far reaching effect. It leaves children and adults in the family lines wondering why so and so was left out of the family. It also creates misunderstandings when behavior that was deemed inappropriate or feelings were severed as to what went wrong and why wasn’t it rectified. 

These situations in blended families gets very complicated when things go wrong and not everyone in the inner circle knows why. Many times no one wants to discuss it either.  So the issues are thrown under the rug. It is easier to just cut out the people that bring up the past, anything unpleasant rather than try to fit the missing pieces together.  Inevitably pieces are missing, future generations are hurt and lives go on being affected deeply by a divorce that happened years ago.   The unhealthy patterns of the family will continue too and play out unless the chain is broken in many of these families.  Seeing it broken and fixed is imperative as in today’s world, as the statistics showed, is full of blended families. We all pay for step-parenting gone a muck. 

The best answer seems to be to know, going in, when you marry someone with children, treat the children as you would your nieces and nephews. If you sense issues, seek help outside of the family.  Allow the children to be kids, to make mistakes and to be angry with someone new in the family dynamics. Know that they are uncomfortable and don’t put them down for not reaching your expectations initially.  You are probably not meeting theirs either.  With time, respect and care, you may develop a relationship that can withstand the test of time and build up a family instead of continuing to break it apart.  

Get Real About Relationships

Loving somebody sometimes means letting them go. Not everyone in life is going to accept who you are, what you stand for and your character defects. But at the end of the day, some things won’t change.  And we are created uniquely for a reason. If you have to change for someone to accept you, don’t.

Too often in marriages when people marry young, they are not fully able to understand the commitment involved with forging a relationship with a lifetime mate.  They are twice as likely to end in divorce.  Interesting that Divorce360.com suggests the ideal age to wait is late twenties before taking that huge step.  Younger couples marrying can be more for reasons related more to the stage of development they are in, through no fault of their own. Thus when one changes or grows the other spouse is left in the windfall. How likely is it that two individuals will mature at the same rate?  Even if they do, often times, one looks at the other as they mature and realizes loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean they are a lifetime match.  What’s more, divorce is so easy to obtain. 

Success rates for marriages are compounded by ages, culture differences and so many other obstacles.  Dr. Phil has quoted studies that show women who have came from divorced homes are 59% more likely to divorce. If both parties have come from such a home, the rate increases to 189% per Journal of Marriage and the Family. Many between the ages of 20 and 29 believe they are looking to marry a soul mate. However, soul mates may not be the best criteria for picking a lifetime mate.  A soul mate is usually reserved for people in your life that awaken a deeper sense of purpose to your life, a deeper understanding of you.  Frequently, this encounter(s) or individuals actually leave your life, and are not permanent fixtures, such as a preacher, a teacher, or an author. This word, soul mate gets thrown around like the word love, carelessly and without really understanding what the word implies and means.

Lifetime mates are the relationships that contain mutual respect, being physically present and creating memories.  Your individuality is something that should be created and discovered by you alone. That is the piece you bring to a relationship. Too many use their marriage as one uses a co-worker, to enhance themselves. It should always be about giving and mutually building towards a common goal. It also takes work and is not something that comes easily like lust.

Relationships coming unglued is not limited to marriages, it spills over into families as well. Too many times, boundary lines are ignored and someone encroaches on another’s.  Codependency is said by some to occur to 96% of women at some point in their life. This means needs are often at the forefront of relationships. Thus, women who subscribe to co-dependent relationships can write off family when they feel there is no need for them in their life.  Once the need and attention is gone, the will to retain the relationship is too.

Friendships are easily created and disposed of with no real complications. However, if the relationship is built on the true components that make lasting relationships work; these can be some of the most committed relationships we experience as adults.  Infact, statistics show social networks,  having true friends in one’s live can improve their lifespan as high as 50%!  Grab a friend and go get lunch!

Part of the reason for the strong emphasis on friendships with experts in this area is that they tend to be built on validation of self. Friends show us we are valued, friends support our goals without any ulterior motive and to many, a great friendship is more invaluable than a family tie. It is entirely a relationship built on choice, thereby it can easily be disposed of so the work continues constantly to keep it fresh, intimate and supportive.

The magazine US News & Money, of all publications, put out on article on this topic of the need for friendships in our life. “ At the end of the day, a friend can be the emotional oasis that makes all the difference.”  Friends make you happy and way too often, families make each other sad.  Friends accept you and families are twice as likely to judge you and not accept your frailties.  This is regarding close friends, and it has been proven over and over again, they make a huge impact on our lives.  Have great friendships with even a few people and you are rewarded with living happier and healthier. 

What is surprising is that adults don’t take the skill sets they use to form mutually rewarding and satisfying friendships into the other relationships in their lives. Experts say marriages are so much happier when there is a solid foundation of friendship.  Spouses who lift each other up expounding on positives verses negatives make a union longer lasting.  Noone enjoys being put down and being labeled. 

Within families, too often bygones are not forgotten or forgiven.  Within a good friendship, there is no expectation of perfection.  Whether is it considered more hurtful when it is a family member letting you down or just pure lack of love, many families don’t believe in working things out. It has become a more disposable society we live in and it has transposed to our family unit. Divorce your spouse and cut out any family that makes you angry. The prevalence of negativity and unsupportive regard for one another is breaking families apart.

The good news is friendships, good friendships, survive the test of time and actually enhance as we age.  This is partly because we make time for those we care about, we listen with open ears and forgive them for their transgressions.  We allow them to be human. 

I suppose the take away is to evaluate what qualities you have in your best friendships.  Those are the qualities that should be mandating all of your relationships in life. If someone doesn’t accept you and treat you as a good close friend, don’t let them in your inner circle. This should be a special appointed place for few.   If they are toxic, let them go.  They will only serve to make you unhappy, unhealthy and those around you miserable.  

God intends for us to be loving and kind to each other. Some have that ability and many do not. This world is harsh, our inner relationships shouldn’t be. You are worthy of being loved and in equal standing relationships too. Let those who judge you, hurt you,  or mar you, find a way to make their own sense of peace, or not. You are responsible for yours!  

Make sure the relationships you foster are the kind that build you up and others. When your day comes to leave this earth, your legacy will be the quality of the relationships you had and not those you did not.

Missing Puzzle Pieces

Some of us grew up never knowing one of our parents. This is particularly hard on a child when so much of their identity is tied up into their parents. I think this is particularly common in today’s world where divorce is rampant. Often times, a missing parent moves away and the child is left being raised by one parent. If the divorce is ugly, which most are, the impression children get of the missing parent is often negative, distorted by a relationship that went sour.

Negative comments made about one’s natural parents are hurtful to children. It makes them feel as if they are somehow not quite right themselves. They are innately associated with both parents in their minds and in their genes. This connection, this bond, only serves to create confusion and frustration in a child’s mind when one is out of the picture of their lives. It is particularly hard when they are bombarded with negative degrading comments about the missing parent.

Over the years, I have met so many adults who, once on their own, have reconnected with a missing parent. What they find, after many years, is their parent is not perfect by any means, but usually is one who never stopped loving them. Knowing this, that love was present in the heart of absent parent makes a huge difference. Knowing too that days went by with the missing child on their mind is soothing to the soul of the adult child. Even if the absent parent has issues, as we all do, it is still a completed circle to many adults to reconnect to their biological roots.

I recently reconnected with my mother. I have not seen her since I was thirteen years old on a brief Saturday visitation day. We still have not had a chance to meet in person again. But, I am grateful, even from afar, for the opportunity to get to know her. We live in different states making visits not easily done. I so enjoy now forming my own opinions of her. Too often in my past, it was based on everyone else’s impressions of her and not my own.

The more we talk, I see many similarities with us, and I hear it in our laughter. Many pieces of me that didn’t quite fit or make sense to me growing up now seem to mesh together quite well as I understand where those traits came from.

No, she will never be the mother many of my friends have, but, she is mine. I am a part of her life now and she is a part of mine. She does love me and she is sorry for all that she was not in my life. For me, yes, I think that is enough. As we are on a journey of discovery, I indeed feel blessed. She has been forgiven and we have moved past the past, as it should be.

May you find it in your heart to forgive those that have deserted you. If it is the right thing to do, in your situation, then perhaps, seek them out, that missing parent. Be open and honest with them too and ask for nothing less from them. May you find, in doing so, there were reasons for their desertion. Don't go into it with high expectations, accept what is as is.

Life is too short to walk around with pieces of the puzzle, the puzzle that is you, missing. It is good to go full circle with your life and put together the missing parts. You are worth it!