Loving somebody sometimes means letting them go. Not
everyone in life is going to accept who you are, what you stand for and your
character defects. But at the end of the day, some things won’t change. And we are created uniquely for a reason. If
you have to change for someone to accept you, don’t.
Too often in marriages when people marry young, they are not
fully able to understand the commitment involved with forging a relationship
with a lifetime mate. They are twice as
likely to end in divorce. Interesting
that Divorce360.com suggests the ideal age to wait is late twenties before
taking that huge step. Younger couples
marrying can be more for reasons related more to the stage of development they
are in, through no fault of their own. Thus when one changes or grows the other
spouse is left in the windfall. How likely is it that two individuals will
mature at the same rate? Even if they
do, often times, one looks at the other as they mature and realizes loving
someone doesn’t necessarily mean they are a lifetime match. What’s more, divorce is so easy to
obtain.
Success rates for marriages are compounded by ages, culture
differences and so many other obstacles.
Dr. Phil has quoted studies that show women who have came from divorced
homes are 59% more likely to divorce. If both parties have come from such a
home, the rate increases to 189% per Journal
of Marriage and the Family. Many between the ages of 20 and 29
believe they are looking to marry a soul mate. However, soul mates may not be the
best criteria for picking a lifetime mate.
A soul mate is usually reserved for people in your life that awaken a
deeper sense of purpose to your life, a deeper understanding of you. Frequently, this encounter(s) or individuals
actually leave your life, and are not permanent fixtures, such as a preacher, a
teacher, or an author. This word, soul mate gets thrown around like the word
love, carelessly and without really understanding what the word implies and
means.
Lifetime mates are the relationships that contain mutual
respect, being physically present and creating memories. Your individuality is something that should be
created and discovered by you alone. That is the piece you bring to a relationship.
Too many use their marriage as one uses a co-worker, to enhance themselves. It
should always be about giving and mutually building towards a common goal. It
also takes work and is not something that comes easily like lust.
Relationships coming unglued is not limited to marriages, it
spills over into families as well. Too many times, boundary lines are ignored and
someone encroaches on another’s.
Codependency is said by some to occur to 96% of women at some point in
their life. This means needs are often at the forefront of relationships. Thus,
women who subscribe to co-dependent relationships can write off family when
they feel there is no need for them in their life. Once the need and attention is gone, the will
to retain the relationship is too.
Friendships are easily created and disposed of with no real
complications. However, if the relationship is built on the true components
that make lasting relationships work; these can be some of the most committed relationships
we experience as adults. Infact,
statistics show social networks, having
true friends in one’s live can improve their lifespan as high as 50%! Grab a friend and go get lunch!
Part of the reason for the strong emphasis on friendships
with experts in this area is that they tend to be built on validation of self.
Friends show us we are valued, friends support our goals without any ulterior
motive and to many, a great friendship is more invaluable than a family tie. It
is entirely a relationship built on choice, thereby it can easily be disposed
of so the work continues constantly to keep it fresh, intimate and supportive.
The magazine US News & Money, of all publications, put
out on article on this topic of the need for friendships in our life. “ At the end of the day, a friend can be the
emotional oasis that makes all the difference.” Friends make you happy and way too often,
families make each other sad. Friends
accept you and families are twice as likely to judge you and not accept your frailties. This is regarding close friends, and it has
been proven over and over again, they make a huge impact on our lives. Have great friendships with even a few people
and you are rewarded with living happier and healthier.
What is surprising is that
adults don’t take the skill sets they use to form mutually rewarding and satisfying
friendships into the other relationships in their lives. Experts say marriages
are so much happier when there is a solid foundation of friendship. Spouses who lift each other up expounding on
positives verses negatives make a union longer lasting. Noone enjoys being put down and being
labeled.
Within families, too often
bygones are not forgotten or forgiven. Within
a good friendship, there is no expectation of perfection. Whether is it considered more hurtful when it
is a family member letting you down or just pure lack of love, many families
don’t believe in working things out. It has become a more disposable society we
live in and it has transposed to our family unit. Divorce your spouse and cut
out any family that makes you angry. The prevalence of negativity and
unsupportive regard for one another is breaking families apart.
The good news is
friendships, good friendships, survive the test of time and actually enhance as
we age. This is partly because we make
time for those we care about, we listen with open ears and forgive them for
their transgressions. We allow them to
be human.
I suppose the take away is
to evaluate what qualities you have in your best friendships. Those are the qualities that should be
mandating all of your relationships in life. If someone doesn’t accept you and treat
you as a good close friend, don’t let them in your inner circle. This should be
a special appointed place for few. If
they are toxic, let them go. They will
only serve to make you unhappy, unhealthy and those around you miserable.
God intends for us to be
loving and kind to each other. Some have that ability and many do not. This
world is harsh, our inner relationships shouldn’t be. You are worthy of being
loved and in equal standing relationships too. Let those who judge you, hurt
you, or mar you, find a way to make
their own sense of peace, or not. You are responsible for yours!
Make sure the
relationships you foster are the kind that build you up and others. When your
day comes to leave this earth, your legacy will be the quality of the
relationships you had and not those you did not.
