Double Damage - Stepchildren Can Feel It

I have no real idea what it is like to be a step-parent. When I married my husband now, he had a son from a previous marriage but he was already an adult, so it seems that is different. Being a child when you get a step-parent can feel odd. You instantaneously are looking up at a new adult figure after losing the two key parents you have had from day one.   And this new one you never picked out is an authority figure in, not only your outside life but your home. 

Part of the challenge is trying to assimilate how the pieces fit together in the family dynamics.  First and foremost, the fact a divorce happened in the first place to put this scenario in place makes it apparent to a child, it could happen again. Hence, this adult could be fleeting also. Does the child let down their guard and form a bond when, if the marriage doesn’t work, this new adult will not be a permanent fixture in their life? Reality bites and early on these kids from divorced homes have learned marriages don’t always work.  They are often skeptical of new spouses in the home. They also tend to associate the new stepparent with the reason their parents got divorced, no matter how much time has passed by. Every child dreams their parents will remarry each other.

It is always immediately apparent to the kids they are labeled stepchildren. The chain of command is their natural parent is in charge.  To be careful the new adult doesn’t overstep things, it is drilled into the kids heads but in the meantime, it can have an opposite effect, implying this new person doesn’t really want you but is forced to live with you and take on the role. Often time’s kids feel the spouse is playing the game, trying to win over the parental person so they can win the hand in marriage.  Thus, anything the new adult does is regarded with suspicion.

Resentment is normal and a natural emotion for step-children.  Kids are wise and know that initially actions are not taken out of love.  The adults are often motivated by love of their spouse,  that is reality.  Experts say, no one falls in love with a child immediately. Bonding and learning to love a child takes time. The children are part of the package and usually not the best part of the package! Thus, when discipline and nurturing starts out by a step-parent, it is conceived as more of interference by the children unless it is more of a very gradual process. This makes it hard on both sides, for the child and the adult.

Anytime words are said in heated moments that are reminding children they are not the step-parents child it is going to create a major rift.   This makes the children feel as if they are unwanted baggage.  This happens far too often when children act up, things said such as “You are just like your mother.”  Children are well aware their parents have faults and this also causes them to feel there is something wrong with them as well, if someone is constantly pointing out defects of character in regards to not only them but their missing parent. 

A few statistics below gathered from Smart Step Families Websites:

Second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages.  This seems to be particularly true when there are children from a first marriage involved. 13% of adults are step-parents, approximately 29-30 million! 42 Million Americans are remarried.  100 Million Americans have a step relationship. One-third of all the marriages taking place today are forming step-families. So this issue is quite real, pertinent and facing our society daily.

Disciplining is the single hardest issue that faces step-parents. Children must be dealt with and held to basic rules but there is a fine line between holding down the fort, keeping children safe and crossing over boundary lines too soon. When children are pushed quickly to new rules and regulations that have not been issues before by a step-parent, this is not going to fair well for anyone.  The spouse may back the step-parent, as they should,but the children are going to feel resentful as if their live is being turned upside down even more so. 

Assimilation must occur over time, on all fronts.  Also, harboring unreal expectations of children and creating a laundry list of everything children do wrong to garnish punishments out by the natural parent is not healthy to foster a bond with stepchildren.  Taking time to befriend children, at first, helps foster care, concern and real respect so that, over time, punishment is met with understanding.

Anything done to create mistrust with children and causing even more resentment early on may build a bridge inside a child that will be impossible to knock down.  It can also further complicate the bond that they have with their natural parent, which will infringe on their development in years to come.  This is really an unfair price for the child to pay since they were not responsible for the divorce but simply a fall out casualty. 

 Too often, children react impulsively with step-parents.  Many issues can be resolved if handled with compassion. Dealing with them with severe punishment, harsh name-calling and such will do nothing but create hard feelings. 

Many believe it is not necessary for a loving relationship to even develop in step-parenting relationships but instead it is imperative one develop a kind of mutual respect and care. Whatever gets developed takes time and patience.  The marriage of the newly formed couple must be fostered but it should not be at the cost of a child’s normal development either.   

It is interesting to see, down the road, the next generation may not see the significance of these blended family dynamics, how they played out. When this occurs, it has a far reaching effect. It leaves children and adults in the family lines wondering why so and so was left out of the family. It also creates misunderstandings when behavior that was deemed inappropriate or feelings were severed as to what went wrong and why wasn’t it rectified. 

These situations in blended families gets very complicated when things go wrong and not everyone in the inner circle knows why. Many times no one wants to discuss it either.  So the issues are thrown under the rug. It is easier to just cut out the people that bring up the past, anything unpleasant rather than try to fit the missing pieces together.  Inevitably pieces are missing, future generations are hurt and lives go on being affected deeply by a divorce that happened years ago.   The unhealthy patterns of the family will continue too and play out unless the chain is broken in many of these families.  Seeing it broken and fixed is imperative as in today’s world, as the statistics showed, is full of blended families. We all pay for step-parenting gone a muck. 

The best answer seems to be to know, going in, when you marry someone with children, treat the children as you would your nieces and nephews. If you sense issues, seek help outside of the family.  Allow the children to be kids, to make mistakes and to be angry with someone new in the family dynamics. Know that they are uncomfortable and don’t put them down for not reaching your expectations initially.  You are probably not meeting theirs either.  With time, respect and care, you may develop a relationship that can withstand the test of time and build up a family instead of continuing to break it apart.  

You Wade on my Heart

I never intended to care. Heck, I was already a grown up, I had grown children and grandkids. What do I need another parent in my life for anyways? Why would I want a relationship with someone new that lives13 hours away? We have no shared blood, no long ago memories together. We have only one link, my mom.

He married her many years ago and I, in the process, picked up a stepdad, Wade Ketterman. I never really got to know him much until a little over a year ago. Prior to meeting him, my sister told me plenty. I heard what a wonderful man he was, how good he was to my mother and how well liked he was by her family. Wade was a keeper, a simple man who had an unselfish kind of love towards my mom, Margaret. He loved being with her, sharing his life with her and wanted to grow old with my mom.
I suppose because I am my mother’s daughter, he embraced me the same way, with open arms. And never have I met anyone that has so easily and warmly received me as him. My stepdad is hard to resist, how can you not love this guy?

Wade calls to let me know when Mom has had health issues, he calls to check on me and he calls to just simply say hello. Wade is not afraid to say I love you back to me either on a call even though he is from that generation where those words are not uttered much by real men! He is comfortable in his own skin and with telling you how he really feels about things if you are willing to listen.

And I do enjoy listening. As I have gathered bits and pieces of his life, I have figured out some of the makeup of who Wade Ketterman is, part of it anyways.
Wade was born in Pennsylvania around 1930ish. He lived a simple life and came from a family of quite a few children. A lot of the details of his life I am missing. Let’s just say there are many missing pages there. If I were writing a book, I would need to spend hours upon hours with him to fill in the gaps. And I would treasure those moments too. I can tell, from the wrinkle lines in his face, what great stories he would have too!

He spent quite a few years in Florida, on the coastline. He built a boat used on an Elvis Presley movie while living in the South! Christianity is part of who he is and years ago, he even taught children bible classes. He has a son, Roger but they have an estranged relationship. I think, like many relationships, too many hurt feelings over the years turned things sour. Such a shame too when his heart is so full of love and forgiveness that his son will never get to experience the pureness of it during his father’s later years. But one day, I am certain, God will shower the knowledge down on Roger so he too will know that his father was indeed a good man with a good heart.

The sincerity of Wade is so evident. This is one trait I just love about him! He is a man with very few words but when he speaks he means what he says, therefore, the words take on added power. Some might say he is a simple man because he is not all that complicated. But if you think simple means unwise than you do not know Wade, his intuition about life and people is remarkable. He has tremendous insight but he the strong silent type that does not force his opinions on others unless asked. I try to find the time to ask Wade his views, when no one else is around or over the telephone and am never displeased by his responses and his openness.

I have learned from Wade the pure simple joy in connecting with someone later in life and quickly making a connection. He has touched my soul in a special way that makes me so glad to have him a part of my life. He is a kind caring gentle man with a wonderful smile. I find his humor funny, his passion moving and his ability to hang in there when the going gets tough moving.

Getting to know Wade so well and care deeply about him made the call I received a month ago so hard to hear. The sores in his throat were not just cancer, but Stage 4. Since that day, the calls have been filled with news, mostly bad stuff and I think I have tried my best to weather the storm of emotion but when you love someone in a special way, it is not always easy. Who can shut down their heart?

Now, as my stepdad faces and lives with cancer, my heart is heavy. I had so many things I wanted to do with Wade that I will never get to do. I had a hundred more times in me to say I love you pops or just simply sit and be near him to make him. I know we live on God’s time and not on ours but I can’t help wishing I had met him earlier. Why couldn’t we have lived closer so we had more time to spend if our time was going to be shortened? He wanted to see the more rural area I live in, where my house is, and that won’t happen. Time ran out. Wade said he wanted to bring my mom to Tennessee and be near me. That day will never come. I wanted him to go on a vacation with us somewhere so I could see the light in his eyes when we did something adventurous but now the adventure he will experience will be the everlasting joy of heaven and I will be left here waiting and wondering when I will see him again. I do not want him to suffer, I want him out of pain but he will be missed. There will be a void that I never knew existed in me before I met Wade.

I wish Wade more days of smiles and less days of pain. I hope the drugs he gets for the remainder of his time on earth are wonder drugs so my pal will know God has mercy on him. He has lived a good live, fought a good fight and deserves a fitting end. He told me he has led a rich life. He has done so many things. I can see the laugh lines around his face, the twinkle in his eyes and the way he carries himself when he walks to know he has lived..oh yes, Wade has lived his life with vigor.

I can let him go but only because I know I will see him again, on the other side. As soon as I get to Heaven, he better flag me down! God knows, I love my step father Wade very much. I want to feel his arms around me when I get to heaven.

I am grateful God let Wade in my life. We touched each other’s souls in a special way that I can just feel inside; I know he can too. When I see him again, in heaven, God will have given him back an ability to have a booming voice that can be easily understood and I will be able to sit and hear the rest of the stories he never quite got to finish telling me of his life! Amen.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear
no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
Psalm 23:4