And They Danced Their Final Dance

They were young and in love, or so it seemed because their smiles were like sunshine beams. It was if their whole life they had waited to simply get to this point, this one spot in the universe to find each other. As they gazed in each other’s eyes, they were like two crossed eye teen age lovers, so be smitten they lost track of everyone else in the room.  Young love at the final pass.

So many tender years and many of shed tears. Mountains both of these had crossed without each other. But God had brought them together, to find a love that was pure, simple and unconditional at a time in life when many simply wait to die.   These two were making new rules, making the rest of us look like fools.  They were taking love and life to new heights, embracing each other with all their might.

As everyone in the room watched, they circled around the dance floor locking eyes with

abandonment. Their bodies were swaying to the music, oblivious to the crowd who was mesmerized by the display of unbridled love on the floor of these two young old souls.  They clasped hands, smiled as their faces lit up with passion, friendship and love. Laughter rang out, peals of it though out the dance hall, making everyone else unable to contain themselves, laughing in direct proportion to their laughter.   They looked around as if surprised anyone else was in the room, smiling at others in the crowd of people but not bothered in the least that anyone see their obvious affection for the other. Public displays of affection were their reward for a life well lived, for finding their perfect mate, for knowing life is too short to stand on formality.  Many began thinking with wonder how to unleash that kind of passion, abandon stringent principles that hold us back. They whispered, “There is magic between those two!” 

The music transitioned to a soft ballad and as it did the embrace between them changed. 

The old man looked at his lady with sheer love in his eyes and put his arms around her waist to pull her inwards.  She smiled and teared up laying her arms upon his shoulders as she gently kissed his cheek. You would have thought he won the lotto with the peck he received.   They began to rock to and fro as if time stood still and it was only those two in the world.  Perhaps it was as we were all barely breathing taking it all in. How could you not be captivated watching what almost looked like such selfishly love?

Tonight, as I learned that Don is with hospice. I shall forever treasure the days I was blessed to see him dancing with his beloved Margaret. If ever a love so pure is on display, such as theirs, for you, be sure to simply be still. Watch it, closely and praise God for letting you be there, caught up in that special moment!  

Marriage Minus an Affair

Affair-proof marriages are possible. Affairs are also possible in marriages in any situation, whether you have been married only a few years, have a crazy life, many children or appear on  social media to have what epitomizes perfect marital bliss. It has more to do with the daily rituals of your life than the passion and love you share with your spouse.

Too often people make the assumption that pre-arranged marriages have a zero chance of being happy. How in the world can two people who never met, forced into marriage ever fall in love?   What allows that to happen?

In comparison, ask yourself how in the world marriages by choice can withstand the changes that occur when a child dies, a troubled teen in a blended family, one is diagnosed with a debilitating disease, both partners are forced to work and one hates their job as it becomes demanding, money becomes scarce, their neighborhood develops issues, school problems develop with their children? It is as much of a surprise a marriage can last even with a self-made choice!

Granted many pre-arranged marriages are in not ideal circumstances in underdeveloped backward countries.  Infact, 11% are under the age of 15 according to Statistic Brain’s website. But also listed is the overall whooping worldwide divorce rate, 6.3! Oh and arranged marriages are also done in America too. This compares with US non-arranged divorce rate of somewhere between 40-50%. Some say that rate is too high and could be as low as 3.7 out of 1,000 but keep in mind the number of marriages in the US is 2,118,000.

I am in no way advocating pre-arranged marriages but have to consider what is it that makes marriages work and not work. In reading about the reasons why affairs occur, observation and talking to people that have cheated a few things stand out. Top on the list is the regular needs for affection and attention were not being met.

When we date, we take time to communicate loving messages, give undivided attention, date, and foster a friendship.  We try to win each other over.  These are human needs. Most people want to marry the person that fulfills these needs the most, someone who will meet these needs for the rest of their life. Others will be drawn to eye candy, someone they see a fulfilling their fantasy mate and thinking this will satisfy all the other needs, and even if not, they can live without the other with this awesome looking spouse because no one has it all.

Somewhere between the I do’s and day to day living, life gets in the way.  Gone are some of the things you craved and loved the most about the person you married. We sense red flags, often subconsciously.

Do you know many are surprised to find their spouse is cheating with someone they consider beneath them, someone younger, less accomplished or someone less attractive?  See it usually isn’t about the person’s stature at all, it is about the need they fulfill, the need their spouse once filled. Gone is the spouse’s accountability or feel for responsibility to fill that need. There may be signs all over that the marriage is on the rocks and pushed aside for the kids, the job, the finances, but it is ignored as less important as the challenges in day to day life. And yet is it the glue that holds everything else together. 

Too often, divorce is not even considered at this point. No one really even usually thinks about cheating. They sort of fall into it, by chance.  Slowly someone starts sensing something missing in their life. And someone else starts slowly but surely fulfilling it, maybe without knowing and maybe by capitalizing on it.  Incidentally, of both sexes 66% believe you can cheat online. 

The need most attribute to cheating is quite similar. For men they characterize it by describing it, as I said about, being dissatisfied with their relationship in general and most likely sex.  Women feel emotionally deprived. Many statistics can be found on many websites but all concur that half of cheaters feel guilty but more than half don’t regret it.

Knowing the reasons is the first step towards having an affair proof marriage. The solution is within your marriage, your relationship. No one outside can tell you exactly how to fix it because each of us is unique thus our relationship is. However, fostering our initial relationship as a deep abiding friendship and dating scenario is always important.

In prearranged marriages, they must court a process of getting to know each other and continually work, if they are to create a bond and fall in love. Their goal is create a family that loves and cares for each other. It is very much possible by learning to respect each other and sharing things together, being attentive and meeting each other’s needs. Perhaps that is why, in developed countries their divorce rates are lower. I am not talking about countries where marriage are forced on children under-age!  

Happy older couples will tell you they can easily walk away from their kids and house chores and spend time with their spouse. It matters not what they do. They don’t need an anniversary, or an excuse to get out and away.  This is their marriage and they want to keep it alive and exciting.  We need to take a page from their book, from their history and let our history repeat theirs.  No matter what is going on in life, we need to be that co-worker that stops working to listen, that friend that will take our spouses hand and invite them in for a cup of coffee. If you aren’t willing to find the time, someone else will. You deserve it and so do they.  If a car needs a tune-up and you take time to care for it, certainly take time to do it with your relationship with your lifelong mate!

I believe in the institution of marriage but I also believe divorces are needed. Some make hasty decisions and aren’t ready for the commitment. Some marry, quite simply, the wrong person. But there are many that let the relationship fall by the wayside when it could have easily been fostered. It is like neglect, something not fostered doesn’t feel beautiful or appreciated.

If you can say I do, you must say I will, find the time to love the one I want to be with, and then do it!

Lessons of Love

Writing about emotions is hard. It is allowing others to see inside of your heart. However, I have learned that the more confident you are as a person, the less you have to fear. Rejection can only hurt if you are not sure of yourself. You are only threatened by others if you have not accepted yourself, with all your blessings and short-comings. With age, this is a must if you are to find happiness and peace. 

And so, with that in mind, I have no misgivings with sharing with those that follow my blog what I am most pleased to celebrate tomorrow, my anniversary with my husband Jim. There is no other person in my life that has had a larger effect on me or impacted my journey to self-discovery, self-love and self-acceptance more than my husband.

I began my “adulthood” getting pregnant at age 17, still a child at heart, unsure what being a parent and a spouse even meant.  I immediately got married to a man I had only known since July of 1977, we wed Oct. 8^th after learning I was pregnant. I had refused to get an abortion feeling the life inside of me was not going to be rejected by me no matter how hard it was to raise a baby on my own.  I felt inside a kinship with my baby, a love that was like nothing I had ever felt.  But it wasn’t really what I felt for the man I was marrying.  Nor did I have that in marriage number two. That story isn’t what this is about.

Fast-forward to my husband now. When I met him, I was down on marriage all together.  I met him through my younger sister and really thought of him as nothing more than a friend, and wanted simply that, a friendship.  He wanted nothing more than the same, neither of us needed a commitment or a relationship at the point in time. I suppose it is true that when you are aren’t looking, have no hidden agenda, God brings what you need in your life and not what you ask for.  And looking back, I suppose we both needed an unconditional loving support system, someone to hold hands with and build each other up and be lifelong friends, lovers and playmates.

That is what I got with my sister’s friend AND a man with character, humor and compassion.  I have had years of challenges, we have been through so much in the last 15 years.  Wow, have we had our share of ups and downs but through it all, we have never once questioned our love for each other.  This may not seem odd to anyone reading this but for someone twice divorced, I was not really sure this type of love existed, at least for me. 

I saw that the common denominator was me.  There always seem to be a provisional acceptance of me with every member in my family. My children seemed to always evaluate and judge me on my mothering skills, the type of person I am, even on my mental state as I got older just like my second husband. My daughter forever found fault in my as a parent.  In her eyes, I never measured up so I began to seriously doubt my abilities as a parent. If I couldn’t make her happy, what was wrong with me? When my husband met me, he recognized immediately as did his family the signs of someone who was beating their head against a brick wall much too quick to take blame for things they had no control over. 

 In my husband, I found someone who loved me unconditionally.  This made me really take a hard look at me and begin to see rays of sunshine in myself, that hey, I must not be such a bad person afterall.  I began seeing a counselor, who I still see to this day.  I did the down and dirty work of delving into all of my life and my thoughts and dreams of who I am and not who others want me to be or who I use to project to be. I have come to know me intimately and deeply and embrace that woman and love her.

In doing so, it has allowed me to love and embrace my husband more fully. I

owe this, in large part, to Jim, my husband. As I have traveled through this path, the last 15 years, going through cancer, side effects, chronic migraines and other health issues, he has remained steadfast in supporting me.  He has allowed me to be his confidant on all that he is and thinks without reservation showing me that I am worthy of being trusted, respected and loved unconditionally. 

Jim, my husband, has provided the missing pieces of my life and my heart. I don’t think I quite ever really saw myself as a whole person. Perhaps I felt like a broken puzzle with missing puzzle pieces. I came from a divorced home and felt like the outsider at times being raised by a step-mother and my dad. I felt like I never measured up to their blood children together.  It made me feel inadequate and hurt inside deeply.  It is irrelevant anymore whether it was right or wrong because feelings just are, our perception is our reality.  Children are very sensitive and I picked up on things that upset me.  I carried those around for a long time.

Through my marriage and my husband, I am the woman I am today, someone who has found their place in the world. I have become someone who is okay being rejected by others and recognizes I don’t need to be accepted by everyone anymore. We all have agendas and I do not need to focus moments in my life on issues I can’t solve. 

  

Meeting Jim and having him introduced to my family and to my children has allowed me to free myself from all those weights I had been carrying. I allowed

myself to be scrutinized by everyone. And accepted all the criticism and stressed about it too, willingly.  It took a man as strong as him, to love me perhaps more than I loved myself to make me realize I needed to love myself enough to let it go.  Allow others to continue judging me and doing things that were hurtful to me and not take it personally. 

I recently read a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  One of the main agreements is about this above, not taking things personally; everyone is coming at life according to their own interests, consciously or unconsciously. Therefore, we expend far too much energy on what others are thinking, feeling and saying.  Wasted life, wasted energy.

One of the greatest joys I get from writing my blogs is the comments I hear back from folks about how something in it touches them or makes them think about the topic. If this inspires any of you to reflect on your self-worth, even one of you, and learn to hug yourself a bit more, than it has done its job.

And for me, this was my long-winded way of saying, living a life with a lot of heart-ache was worth it if it meant having a man like Jim to call my husband. I dearly love him and am blessed beyond measure. He has made me closer to God’s image of me.    Video of some Images over the years, Click Here

Marriage Can Work With Work

Marriage is a tricky proposition. Most people don’t know what exactly they are getting into when they sign the contract. With two simple words, I do, they are signing up for a lifetime commitment of spending potentially 24/7, at times, with someone.  Who can stand that much of anyone that, over years, may drive you possibly insane with their oddities that are so different and unique to them as yours are to you?

Given that, when my son remarried years ago, I had concerns for both him and his fiancé’s part that they their marriage would be able to withstand the pressures of life, time and whatever hardships would befall them.  They hadn't known each other long and had met in the service. Little did they know what was to come.

Over the years, this couple has had more mountains to climb than imaginable! There has been, to name a few, purchasing a business where the books had been inaccurate reflecting a much better financial image than was true, death of a dear grandfather, a mother diagnosed with cancer, a father dying of a cancer, a severe rift in the family and to top it all off, two children diagnosed with autism and a third child requiring some extra tutoring.   Along the way, the mother had to drop out of Nursing School where she was making straight A’s and using her GI Bill due to the children’s needs.

Watching this relationship develop has been fascinating! Gone is any sense of innocence of two young lovers and in its place is the growth and maturity of two very well equipped parents of special needs children.  These two actively provide and do whatever needs to be done to advance the health and the welfare of all three of their children. They also are certain the kids have opportunities to particulate in stimulating extra-curricular activities. The amazing progress of their children (aged, 7,5 &4), which shocks positively everyone that knows these kids, is reflective of the parenting and the push for the best therapy out there. The support at home reinforces it.

The success of my son’s business has flourished due to having developed a good stable home front and marriage most certainly coupled with hard knocks boss experience.  He makes a mistake one time, and never makes it again! This portion of their relationship has been imperative as this has allowed for the therapy for the children. Right alongside my son, his wife has been supportive in any way she can to help his business thrive, filling in when need be and being a sounding board at times.  However, she is so careful to enforce a boundary line between work and family.   Wise beyond her years in this area, it has allowed for a healthy home life and the stress of work to not affect the children in any way.

These two have had a great deal thrown at them but have stayed steadfast towards a goal.  They will make their relationship work, no matter how much garbage hits the fan!  I tried to teach my children putting achievable goals in your sights, taking steps towards it and jumping over hurdles, one at a time, is possible. No one will knock them down for you! Positive attitude gets you farther in life than a hand-out.  It is so rewarding to see my son and his wife play that theory out in reality.

My husband and I are proud of this marriage and feel it shows to those that know them what large hurdles can be. It exemplifies also how to approach them and overcome them.   Too much time in life is wasted waiting for a hand out that is never, for most folks going to come.   Don’t begrudge a system that doesn't work in your favor.  Find a way to make it work, dig in.   Complaining is counter-productive.  Surround yourself with people who believe in you and have your family be those that love you unconditionally, not people that judge you and put you down.   It is up to each of us to create our own plan in life and execute it.

God is on your side and gave you the tools to do it. Tap into your faith, your own reservoir and do so. Mike, my son and Rebekah, my daughter-in-law have taken what has been to many, reasons to crash and burn and used it to not just persevere but rise above.  It also has given them the insight to know life is about hard work.  Also the realization that relationships that take work sometimes are the ones that  you fight for, you work hard at and maintain the ties no matter what happens and are easily the most rewarding. 

Perhaps this is one of the strongest messages of Jesus’s journey. Leading a Christian life and making those kind of choices has its price. We must follow our gut, our intuition, what feels right, even if it offends and alienates others who are unwilling to accept and allow us to use our freewill.

This marriage has sustained because it is full of romance also, the commitment to each other no matter what befalls their life, be it work, their children, their friends, their outer family.  From the first time my son brought Rebekah to our home, there were smiles and laughter between these two. That quality remains.  I don’t know the dark side of the

relationship, the issues that every marriage has. I am the mom, do I need to know?  Nope, I am here for the loving support, the cheerleader!  I know what I see, what I feel, what I sense when I am there and hear in their voices.   They complete each other.  

I love my daughter-in-law and so does my husband. We consider her our family as much as our grandchildren and Mike.  She has been there for us in so many ways and just as her relationship with our son has grown, her relationship with us has as well.  

Dating time has never lost its place on the family calendar.   And it shows. They have always made trips, weekend getaways, movie-dinner dates, parties with friends, etc, minus children a part of their memories.  It is clear their devotion to each other first and foremost in order to provide the most loving home for the children.  Role models for a healthy marriage and a Christian home begins with the parents.   Their happiness filters to the children, thus these children are happen.    

 As you watch the video that follows you will see through the pictures the love and its enduring strength that molds and holds them together.   May it serve as a reminder to you that when faced with adversity, work through it with faith and determination and never let go of good love!  Infact, fight for it!  

Click here to View Video

A Day of Bliss

So many dreams are brought to a wedding day. Some realistic, some not. All fiancés come to this day, the wedding day, with the hope of a love ever lasting, one that can weather any storm. Odds are against this succeeding in today’s world. The presence of God in their lives and placement in their relationship front and center improves greatly their odds of success.

When the wedding day is over, the candles are all blown out. It is a dark reception hall that was once bright with gaiety. The remains of a once glorious wedding cake is either thrown out or put in the freezer at home, in the hopes of the couple being together in one year to eat it in celebration of an anniversary. When the year passes, that cake never tastes as good at it did that very first day. The love that was brought to the ceremony will hopefully not be like the cake, dried out and a cheap representation of what took place.

The marital vows, no matter what denomination the church is, seem to be the same at ceremonies all over this country. All thought goes into picking flowers, choosing dresses, designing table decorations and all the other trimmings. Very little contemplation goes into what is said. Odd how the words stated that join husband and wife, in front of God, family and friends should be the most overlooked aspect, Should this not be the single most important piece of a wedding? Why is not then?

May reading this blog inspire you, and the others you know and love, to look at their own marriage with the attention given to planning a wedding. May the way you look at your spouse on the day you made eye contact walking down the aisle bear some resemblance to how you view each other at the end of a hard day. May the sweet smell of the flowers in the bouquets echo the warmth and intensity of your love as you bid each other good night at the close of a day. Find the words of encouragement and support that most of us long to find in a life time mate. May you awaken in the morning with the excitement and blessed feeling you had that very first day you were joined with your mate and heard the words “I do!”