Aging With Grace At Any Age

The phone rang. We finally connected. Forty years old, my firstborn child, it was here, his birthday. Leading up to the day seemed no big deal to me and to him,

it seemed monumental. I think a big milestone to me too when I was approaching forty, so long ago I can’t remember.  As we spoke I listened as much to what he said as to what he didn’t say. In the silence, I heard a man I had raised from a once shy insecure little boy into a wonderful father, husband and still loving son wonder where did a lifetime go and how much more time was ticking. I realized we were somewhat in the same place.

Coming face to face with a son who was no longer in his twenties or thirties, the reality of myself aging  hit me too.  Him questioning his aging process made me look hard at mine. Age is that one thing that creeps up on you whether things are going good or bad and you can’t stop it from happening whether you are climbing up or down a hill. You don’t get any do-overs or added time to be a certain age again. You just have to push ahead and make the most of today.

I listened to my son more than I talked. It was one of those times, as a parent, you really aren’t too sure what to say.  Being a parent never came with instructions, you learned it a long time ago, and it is still true even when you have adult children. No one wants to feel as if they let their kids down. I already knew how that felt having one who never felt I measured up. This is my only child.

As my son continued speaking, I knew his words I would hold near in my heart, and also not repeat. Part of being a mom, at any age, is having the loving bond to know that things children share things that are only shared with us.  We are unconditionally loved when the bond is right and the sharing is a blessed gift. The gift works both ways. It is not judgmental, not used against one another or taken out of context.  We know that we each grow a little bit with that knowledge, with that level of caring and sharing as much as they do. And I have, with each step of my son’s life, with every new twist and turn.

When I spoke,  it was the line I have said so many times before to him and to myself,  he is starting another chapter, one more beautiful than the last.  And I realized, as I said it, so is mine, partially because I have a critical birthday coming up very soon and partially because of his milestone birthday.  God intended it to be that way, his master plan unfolds for those that follow His way and I know my son is and is getting watched over by God’s angels.

As my son has his time stamp of forty years, he has his badges of life’s lessons. I know his and he knows mine.   I know the effect its had on me, his forty years. I also my son will have more battles to fight but none will be bigger than the ones he has already fought and won. He will have hurdles to overcome but he has proven he can withstand the pain of defeat if he must. I have seen and he has learned his love can endure being tested and that he has a conviction that will persevere.   

Through my long lifeline I too have learned to be a survivor.  Fighting through obstacles builds character. Taking the easy way out never builds you up as a person or in God’s eyes.  In many ways, my son has taken after me. Too often in my life, people have confused my daughter to be like me not realizing it is actually, as my kids’ father said, my son that is a male version of me.  Being judgemental, hateful and full of anger is not part of our chemical make-up. Over the years, neither of us have hardened though both of our lives has had its share of hardships.   Maybe that is why the bond has always been there, even though, it is not with the conviction it was when he was young. Age does change things. Perhaps it has to.

With a key birthday fast approving, my son’s birthday reminded me to also reflect on my life, where I have been and where I am going with the time I have

left. I am grateful my relationships are much more built on calm, peace and love.  Acceptance is critical too.  Finding your inner circle is people who live in reality, understand who you are and themselves and love you and themselves for it and just enjoy life is the surest way to a happy life! Be with people who feed your soul, build you up and not bring you down, emit positive energy to carry through many more years!  With the wrong people, you can easily fall down that hole like Alice in Wonderland and become something that is full of fantasy. It is so freeing to just be real and be with people that allow you to be.

I have come a long way in my life like many of you probably have. I have walked a rocky road. I’ve had no hand-outs, free tickets. I say to myself in the mirror I am a survivor. If you have no self-love you have none to give.  I care about me and I can care about you, folks that read my blog, give me positive feedback and those that tell me your stories that are equally or more touching than mine. Strangers have importance, those in need matter too, the vulnerable.  As I have gotten old, I have become more caring, not less.  Without living and caring, we can’t and don’t want to be story-tellers.

One of my favorite things to do is to tell my son’s children stories about my son growing up. It is my son’s legacy, the story of his life and it must be passed down, much as my story needs and must be passed down to my son, to my grandchildren and to my friends. I am leaving it behind, in safe keeping, to someone I bequeath in my Will. I pray my son will find the time in the next 30-40 years to do the same for his kids for the world. His life and his story has and will make a difference. Time goes quickly as he has found out in forty years time.

I realize I must be getting old. I have a son who is now forty. I do have so many memories of him, so many chapters of his life and far too many of mine.  So do too many memories to count make you old? AI told him that so many of his chapters are unwritten still of his book of lifethat will be so full of wonderful moments and songs yet to be sung.  It is like a symphony that awaits to be written!

I am willing to take mine day by day as I see far too many friends passing.  I want to savor flavors daily.  I want to live a long time, but not too long. I want to experience a lot but not too much where I am uncomfortable and scared.  I want to travel but not so much I am forgotten by my grandkids. I want to win the lotto but I don’t want hounded by the media. Isn’t it funny how makes us think differently?  We start realizing all the things we wished for when we were younger are really not all that important afterall and we wasted time wanting them.  Life really is a paradox and we actually see things clearer and are not disoriented because we are aged.   Good thing I didn’t tell my son that! Let him think I am losing my mind, shhhhhh…..

When my son turned forty:

It quickly passed by

In the blink of an eye

I had to cry

And then with a sigh

I looked to God with an Oh My

Praying "My Boy seems forever gone

But eternal is our bond
Please watch over him as he ages

With the hurdles he wages

As he slowly turns the pages

For I know my life is winding down

For I make a lot less sound

As I am aging with grace,

Trying to leave less of a trace.

Of an overbearing mom

Always being calm

So when I am here no more

And at heaven’s door,

My son’s heart will pound

As he’ll know his mom is always looking down.

In You God my faith rests,

No longer do I put it to the test."

Video of memories of my son and my life, mine being obviously 

more than 40 years! 😀 Click Here

Looking Back at the Earliest Days - Daughter's Birthday

My daughter and I are nothing alike.  She is headstrong, outspoken and a true extrovert. She is driven, passionate and has a real command of

communication skills that she can use to her advantage in almost any situation good or bad. And so today, her birthday, it seems fitting that I would take a moment to write a memories of the early days as a small child of how this personality first exhibited itself to the world.  You can judge for yourself how easy or difficult it was to be a young mom to this precious lady. Do know, without a doubt, I was never short of moments of unexpected laughter!

As a toddler, my little girl enjoyed masterminding new tricks.  She quickly learned how to jump out of her crib by using the mattress as springboard. She also knew it upset me to no end so learned to climb back into as soon as she heard my steps coming down the hallway. To make matters even worse, she hated dirty diapers as much as me. So, prior to potty training, baby girl took to removing them anywhere and everywhere! How did I know this? I would turn around after yelling at her seeing her mess with her diaper telling her to not take it off and there she would be walking in it. However, the dead giveaway was she was walking leaning sideways; kind off cockeyed as she never quite mastered getting her legs in the right holes so was trying to keep it upright on her hips.

My little girl was frequently ill, just a multitude of health issues from Day I. Going to the pediatrician was often on the to do list.  And she could be a handful in the itty bitty room with not much for her to do besides open every drawer, find the trash can, flip the lights, roll on the floor, turn the sink on, until I got tired of listening to myself say no and threatened her with bodily harm. By the time the doctor walked in, she would promptly tell him, when he apologized for being long, “I was good or Mommy would beat my butt.” That was Christina, not mincing words or holding back.

Then there was the time we arrived at Vacation Bible School late. The church’s hall was very quiet as classes had already started. Most of the nuns were busy except for the one performing check in. She approached and I apologized for being late. I said I got delayed by a phone call. My daughter jumped in to correct me loudly so everyone in the hall heard “No, it was because my brother said a bad word and needed to get soap in his mouth.”  All eyes in the hall were on us and I could feel my son falling back behind my legs.  Christina did not always have a filter, lol!

As I took her shopping, so many times things came out unexpected that I began to be well-versed at coming up with responses back to strangers. I also learned to get the hell out of lines quickly. Her voice projected well like mine. There were the times she asked me things like “Why does that person ahead of us smell so bad?” or “Mister, why are you staring at me? Don’t you know that is rude?”  Or getting to the front of the register and asking for me to buy her candy. I would say no and she would say with annoyance “You promised if I was good you would buy me candy, I was good. You lied Mommy!” I could feel all eyes staring at me like I was the worst mother of the year. 

Even when it came to eating, my daughter could outsmart me. The rules were that if you didn’t eat the main course there were no deserts or treats, like cookies. I wasn’t good, initially, at checking to see if she stashed food away, assuming if her plate was empty, she ate it so praising her.

Over a period of about 6 months, she got rid of food in so many ways, eating up praise left and right. Before being potty-trained, I would find food stuffed in her diaper from dinner! She would put food bites in the bottom of her juice cup. She had hand signals for the dog under the table and would feed it to him. No wonder the dog loved her!  I suppose, one day, I gave up. No treats right after dinner because her ingenuity was just too creative. 

Many parents believe in Time Out. It was even popular back when she was a youngster. But it was a useless proposition at my house with my little girl. About the time I would tell her she could come out of it, she would tell me she would prefer to stay in it! Her communication skills were always extremely advanced for her age. So even if company was over, she’d say things when time was up for time out, “I am enjoying using my imagination, I think I will sit here a bit longer but thank you anyways.”   And sit she would until I had to make her get up!

Answering the telephone became something she enjoyed from the moment she could start putting sentences together, about 2 1/2 years old. Even then, her speed was incredible. She could beat almost all of us to the phone if she had a running start, though she was always the shortest in the house.  It was quite comical to hear someone so tiny give complete answers in sentence structure and hear their reaction on the other end of the phone! When the call was for her dad and he was working, she gave the funniest answers. My favorites she came up with were: “Daddy working. He’s making money to buy me shoes.” And this classic, “Daddy’s gone.  He doesn’t want to talk to you now.”  Guess they got the message from her! 

Nobody, but nobody loved Snicker bars like my girl!  And yet, due to migraines induced by nuts, they were a serious No No for her! So, somehow she sneaked them. How did I know?  Well, in cleaning her room and pulling out her bed one day, I discovered a stash of snicker wrappers under her bed.  After this repeatedly happening, she got wiser! She then began squishing them between that space in the wall and the side of the bed it lays up against.   All of this was going on in the lower grades and to this day, I have no idea who was feeding my kid candy bars and in that quantity. But she was probably outsmarting them like she did me to get them!  And there is a part of me that admires her ingenuity for doing such a damn good job at doing it! At times, there were so many of those candy wrappers, it was like a child addicted to them who needed to go to Snickers Anonymous. 

That fact that someone this small could pull one over on me so many times and create so much material is astounding when you think about it!  Seriously, I was a single mom with a dual degree, well-read and written.  I am outspoken, passionate, driven and headstrong, nothing like her! No way a little twerp like that could get the best of me, but she did, many times!  And through it all, I knew that one day she would grow up and make something of herself. And in spite of the highs and lows of raising her, I am proud to say, she has.  She brought me tears, nights of fears, laughter, heartbreak and some of the best moments of my life. And today, on her birthday, I remember a little girl who changed the world with her wit, charm and uniqueness.  And yes, life was never the same, nor will it ever be, 37 years later. 

Motherhood Lessons

Motherhood is not for the faint at heart. It is not for those that believe being a mommy is fun and games. It is for those that are willing to put their hearts on the line only to have it broken time and time again but find the overall rewards worth it. It is for the women who find giving life and planting seeds for the world rewarding.

As Mother’s Day comes, I reflect on lessons. Expect nothing in return and then, when you get it, you will be pleasantly surprised. Kids think the world revolves around them and mothers are there to serve. When you are given attention, you are to thank them for their time, at any age.

There will be plenty of excuses. There are busy playing with their toys, then with their friends, then driving somewhere, anywhere! Next comes a focus on college (which you are helping with odds and ends anyways!), dating, marriage, kids and life. There appears to always be something more important than you. It is like “Cat’s in the Cradle Song”, even when you have made the time, and still do. Many adult children simply won’t make the time for you. Accept this truth and you will be much happier. Just savor the time you are given.  You can’t change them so don’t try. With acceptance comes peace.

You are the number one cheerleader for your child. Have a "you can do it" attitude. Nobody cares more about your child than you, no other parent or teacher. They may not acknowledge you on the sideline and any yell may be met with extreme embarrassment.  You may be forbidden to wave but trust me, your being there is an esteem builder, it shows they matter. At the end of the game, they may run off to their friends but it registered and you saw what you created put forth effort. It is a win-win!

You were not put in the world to be a parent in order to be their best friend. Wait till you utter these words and watch their faces switch to creatures you don’t recognize. All the sudden, you swear you

never bore this hateful creature. But yet, being a mom means putting boundary lines in place, that means saying no, grounding, and saying uncomplimentary things at times, the things their friends wouldn’t dare say. You say it because you love them and they need to hear it. They won’t see it as love. They will hate you and swear you are mean and put up a wall of disbelief and anger towards you. It will break your heart but if not you, who will do this necessary step to growth? No one will tell you motherhood is easy.

Getting thrown up, pooped, and bled on is no fun but shit happens, again and again!  Be ready and muster through.  You also become a semi-paramedic yet never feel quite adequate to answer questions like do I take them to the ER, to the doctor, does it require stitches, is this temperature too high, will you throw up again, and are you contagious?  Get a Magic 8 ball.  It will help!

Talk about the stuff that makes your kids uncomfortable. Sound strange?  Talk about porn, sex, safe sex, birth control, Christian values, faith, child molesters, unsafe people, politics, drugs, divorce, etc.…  Better at home to bring them up, don’t leave it to school, the internet, strangers, peers, etc. Your belief system is a far better teacher. They will squirm and you may too but it gives them a chance to ask you and create a safe channel of communication lines. Make the world safer for your children and for our community, our world.

Be willing to understand you will make mistakes, plenty of them. You must own up to them for not doing so sends a message to your children that you are perfect, arrogant or unwilling to admit you’re wrong. None of us is expected to be a perfect mom; we are only expected to try our best with what we are given. If your kids love you, they will appreciate what they are given. If they can’t accept that, you must let them struggle with why. God placed them with you for a reason.

Walking into motherhood requires prayer. Some children you can’t survive with without it.  Your miracle didn’t get here without God. It will certainly go better for all if you continue to allow God’s miracles to happen in your life and theirs by asking for a little help!  

Some children, as they move on with their lives, may move completely out of your life. This is hard

as you age because, though the memories may forever make you feel young at heart, your body gives your age away.  They may put the priority of you in their life on a backburner more than ever just as you realize your life is coming closer to the end. Know in your heart that many mothers have shared this fate.  You are not alone.  As when your children slammed the door after screaming they hate you, you must leave the door closed much as it hurts. Continue to love them and continue to pray. You have been a mom and will continue to be till the end of your life but it is their choice to make. You planted the seed and showed them what unconditional love was. Now is the time to reflect on the precious memories if no more are created.

Though motherhood is full of heart aches, drama and trauma, it is also full of laughter, joy and pride. It is a time of celebration and a lifetime of memories. It is reminder of our Christian faith in that Mary, mother of Jesus showed how one so kindhearted and loving could raise a king meaning each and every one of us is capable of turning a single baby into someone who can change the world!