Motherhood Lessons

Motherhood is not for the faint at heart. It is not for those that believe being a mommy is fun and games. It is for those that are willing to put their hearts on the line only to have it broken time and time again but find the overall rewards worth it. It is for the women who find giving life and planting seeds for the world rewarding.

As Mother’s Day comes, I reflect on lessons. Expect nothing in return and then, when you get it, you will be pleasantly surprised. Kids think the world revolves around them and mothers are there to serve. When you are given attention, you are to thank them for their time, at any age.

There will be plenty of excuses. There are busy playing with their toys, then with their friends, then driving somewhere, anywhere! Next comes a focus on college (which you are helping with odds and ends anyways!), dating, marriage, kids and life. There appears to always be something more important than you. It is like “Cat’s in the Cradle Song”, even when you have made the time, and still do. Many adult children simply won’t make the time for you. Accept this truth and you will be much happier. Just savor the time you are given.  You can’t change them so don’t try. With acceptance comes peace.

You are the number one cheerleader for your child. Have a "you can do it" attitude. Nobody cares more about your child than you, no other parent or teacher. They may not acknowledge you on the sideline and any yell may be met with extreme embarrassment.  You may be forbidden to wave but trust me, your being there is an esteem builder, it shows they matter. At the end of the game, they may run off to their friends but it registered and you saw what you created put forth effort. It is a win-win!

You were not put in the world to be a parent in order to be their best friend. Wait till you utter these words and watch their faces switch to creatures you don’t recognize. All the sudden, you swear you

never bore this hateful creature. But yet, being a mom means putting boundary lines in place, that means saying no, grounding, and saying uncomplimentary things at times, the things their friends wouldn’t dare say. You say it because you love them and they need to hear it. They won’t see it as love. They will hate you and swear you are mean and put up a wall of disbelief and anger towards you. It will break your heart but if not you, who will do this necessary step to growth? No one will tell you motherhood is easy.

Getting thrown up, pooped, and bled on is no fun but shit happens, again and again!  Be ready and muster through.  You also become a semi-paramedic yet never feel quite adequate to answer questions like do I take them to the ER, to the doctor, does it require stitches, is this temperature too high, will you throw up again, and are you contagious?  Get a Magic 8 ball.  It will help!

Talk about the stuff that makes your kids uncomfortable. Sound strange?  Talk about porn, sex, safe sex, birth control, Christian values, faith, child molesters, unsafe people, politics, drugs, divorce, etc.…  Better at home to bring them up, don’t leave it to school, the internet, strangers, peers, etc. Your belief system is a far better teacher. They will squirm and you may too but it gives them a chance to ask you and create a safe channel of communication lines. Make the world safer for your children and for our community, our world.

Be willing to understand you will make mistakes, plenty of them. You must own up to them for not doing so sends a message to your children that you are perfect, arrogant or unwilling to admit you’re wrong. None of us is expected to be a perfect mom; we are only expected to try our best with what we are given. If your kids love you, they will appreciate what they are given. If they can’t accept that, you must let them struggle with why. God placed them with you for a reason.

Walking into motherhood requires prayer. Some children you can’t survive with without it.  Your miracle didn’t get here without God. It will certainly go better for all if you continue to allow God’s miracles to happen in your life and theirs by asking for a little help!  

Some children, as they move on with their lives, may move completely out of your life. This is hard

as you age because, though the memories may forever make you feel young at heart, your body gives your age away.  They may put the priority of you in their life on a backburner more than ever just as you realize your life is coming closer to the end. Know in your heart that many mothers have shared this fate.  You are not alone.  As when your children slammed the door after screaming they hate you, you must leave the door closed much as it hurts. Continue to love them and continue to pray. You have been a mom and will continue to be till the end of your life but it is their choice to make. You planted the seed and showed them what unconditional love was. Now is the time to reflect on the precious memories if no more are created.

Though motherhood is full of heart aches, drama and trauma, it is also full of laughter, joy and pride. It is a time of celebration and a lifetime of memories. It is reminder of our Christian faith in that Mary, mother of Jesus showed how one so kindhearted and loving could raise a king meaning each and every one of us is capable of turning a single baby into someone who can change the world! 

Mother's Love Stone

The ring was a gift. It was one that I always wanted. I had seen so many older women with those mother rings with all their children’s stones lined up so beautifully in a row. I could see the gleam in their eyes when they proudly looked down on them, each stone representing a little life they had brought into the world. Each stone held all the memories of a life’s worth of laughter and tears shared.

Then one year, several years ago, on my birthday, my two kids surprised me.  My daughter came to town and I got that gift I always wanted, that ring, a mother ring. Mine was unique, specially designed by my daughter. It was more than just the stones; it was beautiful and represented to me more than just my two kids, it represented years of memories with my children, something I hadn’t been able to experience with my own biological mother who had left when I was young.  I was raised by my step-mother and had always felt cheated. My children gave me that chance to have a biological relationship like I have never had, lifelong. Reconnecting with my mother now, as an older adult is not quite the same.

The ring was beautiful, it has a scroll design. Their birthdays, one in May and the other in Jan were stones that made it look like a Christmas ring, one being a garnet and the other emerald green. It was a stunner and for a long time, I never took it off. Wearing it with pride, I showed it off every chance I got. At some point, I started switching out the ring with others I owned.

Three years ago, my daughter quit speaking to me and cut off all contact with me and disallowed me to have any communication with my grandson. From then on, I quit

wearing the ring. It was a painful reminder of a relationship that wasn’t there anymore. It reminded me of those feelings I had growing up of not really being part of a real family. I have friends with adult children enjoying those relationships and their grandchildren and here, with a grandson Kaleb at age 5, no longer was I allowed being a part of his life. 

One day, after prayer, I begun to think, maybe just by miracle, she would realize she loved me, that I had given her all I had to give and she would want me in her life.  I went to my jewelry box, where I kept that ring in safe keeping.  I had always planned on bequeathing it to her in my Will as it was her stone and her brothers so I thought perhaps it would mean more to her when I was dead. When I pulled it out, I let out a sob. To my dismay, the stone was missing, only hers.  I knew immediately what it meant.

I went outside looking for my husband. I held up the ring and said aloud that a stone was missing with my eyes full of tears. I told him I knew what it meant. She was gone permanently from my life. I knew, after all my prayers that was a sure sign.  The ring had never ever left that jewelry box and the stone is gone.  He came in the house and I sat down in the kitchen and sobbed. He feverently searched in the box but I knew what the outcome would be without a doubt.  He came out of our room, shaking his head and saying he had no idea what happened but the stone was gone. I let him know it was okay, I understood.  I slowly put the ring back, incomplete, like my heart. A piece gone, but knowing I had the beauty of it once.

I still have the ring, minus the stone. Little did I know in just a few short years, the phone

would ring and my son be on the end of it and a similar scene would play out.  This one too shocked me as he knew how hurt I had been but it did not matter to him.  He pushed me out of his life without a so much as good-bye Mom.  Gone now are my husband and I’s wonderful close relationships with our dear three other grandchildren. I went in the bedroom a few weeks later; the green stone is still there, the one for my son, for now.  I thank God for that. Whether it will remain or not remains to be seen. God answers prayers but not always in the way we want but according to His plan.

We must always learn to recognize our blessings while they last, Hold those loved ones close while you can. Not everyone will see a blessing the way we will. Not everyone will accept you; some will judge you and you must not let that control you or your life. You may have to let go or they may push you out and then you need, no, you must move on. Life is a forward progression. Continue with God’s purpose and plan for your life. This is what faith in action is, walking with the light of God.  The incompleteness you feel will be a blessing of sorts because it will develop into a higher level of passion and a deeper understanding of faith.

My ring may be missing a stone, and in the future, maybe God will take away the other, but it will remain circular. This is a reminder to me that my love is complete; it always was and will always be unconditional towards my children.  It is far more painful to not feel loved by a parent than to feel rejected as a parent.  I may not be perfect but I was the chosen one by God to have them and have always been there for them even when it is unrequited love. For that I feel peace, more joy than in the stones.