Silly Threats

Just the other night, I attended a party for my granddaughter. As I sat back and watched her play, engaging all the guests, younger and older classmates, she was full of joy.  For her, it was not about just her upcoming birthday or the gifts; it was about the fun of having everyone there, spending time with kids and the fun activities planned with care.

Some of her dance team also attended. They twirled around in circles, all laughing, giggling and holding hands as only little girls can do without anyone thinking it is weird. Young enough to not be so harshly judged is a wonderful thing about youth.  Her face was lit up, full of hope and promise for the night and for the future. 

As I sat there, next to my son, we were both silently watching her engaged with

everyone. She was  just laughing and kind of admiring her birthday decorations and all the joy around her. I couldn’t help but comment to him what admiration he must feel for how she is growing into such a happy young confident little girl, looking some days like a young lady. 

During those few moments, we shared some of our fondest thoughts of her there, intimately.  It is as if she felt our loving eyes on her, as we chatted. Before too long, as if on cue, she broke that chatter up,  as  she skipped over to where we sat,  pouncing in her dad’s lap and arms for a barrel hug and a big kiss on the cheek and then ran off. Onward she ran to grab some more life moments, as I watched her, the similarity of her dad seemed to melt away, like it was yesterday, or today, as her dad still does that, minus the skip!  

Being positive is not always easy for parents.  When things are rough around the edges, especially on a harrowing day, parents let their guard down and their worst behavior comes out, just like with their kids. Too often things are said that are more harmful than good.  One of those comments are telling children that they hope they have a child just like they are when they are acting up at home, getting in trouble at school or not paying attention. This is said as if paybacks are a good thing, a way of furthering the punishment on your child.  In reality, this is not what any of us truly wants.

This came recently when I read of a parent that had said these words to her daughter when her child had been a teen.  The mom was dismayed when her daughter got exactly that with her own daughter years later.  She found herself, as a grandmother, on the end of a phone call, much like the ones she had made to close friends, with similar issues she had muddled through with difficulty During the call, grandma’s words played back in her mind, her threatening her daughter, shouting “I pray you get a daughter one day just like you and have to deal with things like this!” She felt a tremendous sense of guilt, wondering if, in the back of her mind, she had something destined this to happen or been responsible for it.    How she wished she could take it back and how sad it was that this was replaying.

I too am guilty of having said this a time or two but have lucked out that neither of my children have had problem children.   There are far more effective ways and things to say when behavior is unacceptable.  We are, too often, habits of our own upbringing repeating what was said to us, not bringing a chain but that doesn’t always make it right. 

This line had virtually no effect on getting my children in line.    Ironic, I spent more time telling my children how they could accomplish anything that wanted. Hence, they did and both have done extremely well. So what kind of threat is this anyways? And for the child that is troublesome it is far better to implement strategies that reinforce boundaries and find outside intervention if needed if a parent is unable to keep a child under control.  Some children simply do not want to be controlled at all.

Becoming grandparents changes your perspective even more.  Watching adult

children having babies of their own and seeing little ones develop and grow is eye-opening. The last thing on earth grandparents want is for their adult children to learn things in the parenting realm the hard way.  Thus, we want them to have easy children to raise, kids with no problems, no issues, no health concerns, all fingers and toes.  Parents want their children to enjoy the child-rearing years, even if they have a strong-willed child or one with some health or mental issues, to get through it without too many struggles. 

In the same vein, sitting back and hearing stories grandchildren excelling in school, moving new hurdles, and mastering accomplishments is delightful.  The furthest desire any grandparent has is wanting children in their bloodlines to fail, to be trouble-makers and not thrive. The opportunity to see improvements in future generations shows continued improvement in parenting skill sets, learned lessons put to work and drawing from the good. Anything but that is not as rewarding to a parent.

I have learned, as many of my friends have, that the last person who wants to take your advice is quite often your children and the spouse of your children. In children and in particular, adult children’s eyes, you know nothing and they are amazed they came out okay, inspite of the fact you raised them.

We discuss this as friends and couples as seldom do they truly know, behind the scenes the sacrifices you went through, all the teacher conferences, the financial woes, sleepless nights, etc so that they could have the best life you could provide. The measuring stick used to evaluate you as a parent is harsh often times, not nearly as soft as the one we use to look at them as parents of grandchildren. However, adult children will listen to other grandparents so consider this advice to those of you that read this! I would suggest the line you have probably heard wishing your children have children like them when they are acting up, take it out of your vocabulary. Or if you do use it, use it with a positive connotation.  For if indeed you recognize your child is a blessing, wish them a blessing also in their future!  For that blessing would be yours as well! Pray that you could be so lucky to be twice blessed! Teach Your Children Right 1st Time

Parents are the Model

I became a parent at a very young age, eighteen infact for my first child. I had my next child, my only other one, just two and a half years later, giving birth a few months after turning twenty-one.  While friends from high school were off attending college, I had two in diapers and was a stay at home mom. To make it even more isolating, I lived in a city far away from where I grew up and was too young for neighbors in the apartment complex to really want to befriend me. Thus, I put a lot of energy always into the relationship with both of my children.

One thing I noticed early on with both of my children is they mirrored quite a bit of what they saw of me.  I felt it was unfair to expect them to do something I myself did not do anyways though. I eat healthy, so as children they were introduced and made to eat food from all food groups.  They were not allowed to simply eat junk food or whatever they pleased. If that was their goal, they went hungry.  They both quickly learned sweets were not going to be the only source of food. This lesson was learned much better by my son who, to this day, eats very little sweets! 

When my daughter was born, the second child, and was diagnosed with asthma, it gave me the ammunition to put my foot down and insist my husband quit entirely his smoking cigarettes in the house and in the car. I think it is hypocritical to tell children it is unhealthy to smoke and then smoke around them.   Dueling messages are confusing, especially at young ages. Children can’t comprehend which is right and wrong and are looking to their parents for direction.  They should not be put in a position where they have to choose sides either.   

Today, in schools, children are reading at a much quicker pace than ever before.  The bad news is that there are more children with special needs than ever before and most of these children have language issues which include reading.  My children were read to daily, encouraged, even prior to reading, to look through books.  I have been an avid reader all of my life and, at this time in my life, though time was limited, I still read some. I made certain my children knew reading is a lifetime habit for me. This is not something that, we hit a certain age, and we simply stop doing.  As they got older I told them that it enriches the mind and keeps our reading skills sharp.  That might not stick but the seed was planted.

When my children got into sports, I was working out also, exercising regularly, playing tennis with friends and even progressed into coaching children’s sports.  Dropping children off at practices and games simply says that the parent is keeping them busy. Staying there from time to time shows an active interest.  This shows a parent how they are spending their time there, giving a firsthand view of what is being accomplished, how they are being coached and an opportunity to reinforce those efforts at home.  Your child may not be the star player, most aren’t.  He or she can still benefit from team play from hearing from a parent that their efforts are not going unnoticed by you.  Telling a child that their discipline is preparing them for the future and that dedication is what makes people successful is awesome affirmation for a child to play sports or any extracurricular activity.  You also participating in some other hobby likewise shows them that what they do is something that should be a lifetime goal.  For mental and physical health, these activities matter for us all, we need balance.

I had to wait to go back to college as a non-traditional aged student. Hence, while my children were doing homework, I was helping them with homework, proofing their work and then doing my studies.  They saw this. My children witnessed me working from home as an assistant book publisher during my college years.  I was a single mother, having divorced their father by this time and raising them on my own. At some point in the evening, when we weren’t on the run to practices or games, I would transition to my coursework. 

The usual routine was they did their homework first and I studied while they did theirs. I checked theirs, took care of their needs, put them to bed and then finished mine. When my son was old enough, he would quiz me when I had tests coming up.  There were times when he had no idea what he was asking me as I would make up tests for him to quiz me but he would play along.  It became a learning lesson for him because he learned some of my material from quizzing me and he was quite bright to begin with! These evenings taught my children the value of a good education at any age.

We struggled financially.  It was not easy to find ways to make ends meet. My children were aware of it and I made sure they had the majority of what they wanted and needed. They both got to go to a private Catholic high school, my son by choice.  I put my daughter there, and that was not entirely by choice but it seemed the best place for her to be at the time.  I still believe, my pursuit of my education led to them both setting high educational goals for themselves.

My son and daughter both have gone on to get educations past Bachelor degrees.  My son lives closer  to me so it is easier to attest to his behaviors with his wife and children.   I see many similarities with him and myself.  I see someone who enjoys interacting with his children and supports their extracurricular activities exactly how I was.  His wife tells me he never waivers in his support.  He has sat at soccer games where his son simply runs after the crowd of kickers.  He sits and cheers for his daughter at dance recitals being the dutiful dad taping her dances and rushing the stage with roses.  He has taken his other son to horseback lessons encouraging him to hold on to a huge horse and that he, the little 4 year old, will be just fine!  

I recall attending both of my son’s graduation, first for his undergrad and then for his PhD.  Both times I recall hearing him say that he would never read again.  That stuck about 3 months.  To this day, my son is constantly reading updates on his field, publications, online articles, attending seminars, and reading other materials. Yes, that drive of reading is still there. His amazing ability to write he had in school, occasionally, when he has the need to write, it is still as strong as ever, he just seldom has time to tap into it. 

All of this to say, my son and I have an extremely close relationship all of his life.  Our bond has always been more of one that was unspoken.  He has always watched me, from the time he was a little guy.  He was always the lover of the two kids though and never questioned me on anything. But what he did too was observe.  And what he taught me was this, children learn from what you do, how you live, your example.  It is very similar to how a leader leads by example. 

Parenting is best done by being what you want your child to be. Being honest, being fair, being truthful about where you have made errors. It is about stressing education, having laughter in your home, teaching morality, accountability and understanding what the word love really means, in the Christian sense.  Parents need to show children how to apply intelligence to life, how to have self-discipline, and how to admit they have a problem and when they have one how and where to seek help and get it when they need it. Getting help is not a weakness, having a problem and not doing anything about it is.  Above all, loving God and letting your children and spouse know you love them is key.  This is done not just in words but in deeds. 

Indeed, this is a hard job.  Sign up only for the serious minded!