Just the other night, I attended a party for my
granddaughter. As I sat back and watched her play, engaging all the guests,
younger and older classmates, she was full of joy. For her, it was not about just her upcoming
birthday or the gifts; it was about the fun of having everyone there, spending
time with kids and the fun activities planned with care.
Some of her dance team also attended. They twirled around in
circles, all laughing, giggling and holding hands as only little girls can do
without anyone thinking it is weird. Young enough to not be so harshly judged
is a wonderful thing about youth. Her
face was lit up, full of hope and promise for the night and for the
future.
As I sat there, next to my son, we were both silently
watching her engaged with
During those few moments, we shared some of our fondest
thoughts of her there, intimately. It is
as if she felt our loving eyes on her, as we chatted. Before too long, as if on
cue, she broke that chatter up, as she skipped over to where we sat, pouncing in her dad’s lap and arms for a
barrel hug and a big kiss on the cheek and then ran off. Onward she ran to grab
some more life moments, as I watched her, the similarity of her dad seemed to
melt away, like it was yesterday, or today, as her dad still does that, minus
the skip!
Being positive is not always easy for parents. When things are rough around the edges,
especially on a harrowing day, parents let their guard down and their worst
behavior comes out, just like with their kids. Too often things are said that
are more harmful than good. One of those
comments are telling children that they hope they have a child just like they
are when they are acting up at home, getting in trouble at school or not paying
attention. This is said as if paybacks are a good thing, a way of furthering
the punishment on your child. In
reality, this is not what any of us truly wants.
This came recently when I read of a parent that had said
these words to her daughter when her child
had been a teen. The mom was
dismayed when her daughter got exactly that with her own daughter years
later. She found herself, as a
grandmother, on the end of a phone call, much like the ones she had made to
close friends, with similar issues she had muddled through with difficulty
During the call, grandma’s words played back in her mind, her threatening her
daughter, shouting “I pray you get a daughter one day just like you and have to
deal with things like this!” She felt a tremendous sense of guilt, wondering
if, in the back of her mind, she had something destined this to happen or been
responsible for it. How she wished she
could take it back and how sad it was that this was replaying.
I too am guilty of having said this a time or two but have
lucked out that neither of my children have had problem children. There
are far more effective ways and things to say when behavior is
unacceptable. We are, too often, habits
of our own upbringing repeating what was said to us, not bringing a chain but
that doesn’t always make it right.
This line had virtually no effect on getting my children in
line. Ironic, I spent more time
telling my children how they could accomplish anything that wanted. Hence, they
did and both have done extremely well. So what kind of threat is this anyways? And
for the child that is troublesome it is far better to implement strategies that
reinforce boundaries and find outside intervention if needed if a parent is
unable to keep a child under control.
Some children simply do not want to be controlled at all.
Becoming grandparents changes your perspective even more. Watching adult
In the same vein, sitting back and hearing stories grandchildren
excelling in school, moving new hurdles, and mastering accomplishments is
delightful. The furthest desire any grandparent
has is wanting children in their bloodlines to fail, to be trouble-makers and
not thrive. The opportunity to see improvements in future generations shows
continued improvement in parenting skill sets, learned lessons put to work and
drawing from the good. Anything but that is not as rewarding to a parent.
I have learned, as many of my friends have, that the last
person who wants to take your advice is quite often your children and the
spouse of your children. In children and in particular, adult children’s eyes,
you know nothing and they are amazed they came out okay, inspite of the fact
you raised them.
We discuss this as friends and couples as seldom do they
truly know, behind the scenes the sacrifices you went through, all the teacher
conferences, the financial woes, sleepless nights, etc so that they could have
the best life you could provide. The measuring stick used to evaluate you as a
parent is harsh often times, not nearly as soft as the one we use to look at
them as parents of grandchildren. However, adult children will listen to other
grandparents so consider this advice to those of you that read this! I would
suggest the line you have probably heard wishing your children have children
like them when they are acting up, take it out of your vocabulary. Or if you do
use it, use it with a positive connotation.
For if indeed you recognize your child is a blessing, wish them a
blessing also in their future! For that
blessing would be yours as well! Pray that you could be so lucky to be twice
blessed! Teach Your Children Right 1st Time
