Look Up and Sing Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to you,

We know you’re not blue,

We celebrate your birth day,

But we still grieve for you too.

2012 doesn’t seem that long ago, and then other times, it seems much too long. March 12^th, there was that call, the one no parent should get. Standing next to my husband seemed surreal as I could tell he was getting unfathomable news on the line. His son was deceased. 

The law and order of life seems to be you die first and then your children go. We both have talked a lot since Dan’s death about all the things each of us would have said to Dan. It’s funny because the one thing that would have not passed our lips is good-bye.

We strongly believe in Heaven, in a spiritual life after death.  And saying good-bye has a finality to it that is just hard to do with your own children.  It would have been far easier to have let him know, at least one more time, our feelings for him, individually. Naturally as a step-parent who came into the picture much later, mine were quite different than my husband’s.  But the chance is gone. Just like his life, the merry-go-round of life stopped turning. We had no notice, no inkling he would no longer be here.

I suppose everyone that knows someone and loves them deeply wishes they knew ahead of time they were going to die. Then you could have that final closure in advance. Without it, the hell of recovering is trying.  Letting go and moving on we have done but some days, like tomorrow, Dan’s birthday, are exceptionally difficult ones.

Since starting a Memorial Fund in his name, writing the check each birthday gives both of us, in particular Jim, a feeling we are gifting other young men life, Dan’s life from heaven. We both feel certain he is smiling and proud. He knows our love for him is being passed on to others.  It helps but it is also a knot in our stomachs because we can’t do anything anymore for him, for his children who lost a father.

Birthdays are celebrations of life. They are reminders of the life you are living and remembering to cherish the life you are given and not to take it for granted. Your birthday and those you love may not be here next year. We found that out the hard way. Take time to tell those you care about how you feel. Assuming may lead to singing Happy Birthday to the sky…..                         

The Stone

It was so elegantly designed,

With so much lovingly thought,

And the timing was perfect,

When it was bought.

It spoke volumes

With its color so clear,

And was a constant reminder

Of the love that felt so near.

It reminded me always,

Of all of the years and all the tears,

Things that had been shared.

Moments that had been highs

              and moments that been lows,

And all the sacrifices    

                          and the  loving care.

Seeing it let me know,

The seed that I sow,

Would continue to grow.

Silly I suppose,

Looking back at that time,

I had assumed it would last forever,

That bond that feels it should be mine.

But nothing in life

                Is a given

Nothing should be taken for granted,

           Not even the shine of stone,

Not even love that has grown.

One day you could awaken

Deep out of a slumber,

And find your days are numbered.

Looking down at your ring,

Your heart loses a string.

     Gone is the stone,

           A piece of your heart is cracked 

                       never to be replaced 

                                 just like the ring. 

The Last Time

You never know when it will be the last time to see someone. Life is funny that way. One day you are a part of someone’s life and then, overnight, you are not. The goodbye,was a farewell in this lifetime. 

It is very sad when it is someone you love and care about. And yet, none of us control others, none of us get to say when good bye is said. I am not sure if it sadder when it is due to death or by someone else’s choice. Knowing someone you care about is out there but you aren't seeing them, sharing in their laughter, can be gut-wrenching.

I suppose it is true that we all have our crosses to bear. It is not possible that we get to choose what those are.  We are simply called to accept God’s plan, even if it does mean we will endure pain. Somehow our faith in that should ease our grief.

If that last encounter was a kiss, an embrace, ah, that should warm the heart more. But for many, it simply makes the grief even more real, even more hurtful.  Loving someone, anyone, friend, family or child and no longer being an active part of their life is hurtful. For many, it is as if they must go on with life while a piece of their heart has been chiseled out and can’t be replaced by anyone.

Tears can flow, holidays roll by, but the love of another human being, unconditional love, doesn't go away.  If someone you have helped nurture and/or fostered a close loving relationship with no longer sees you, at some level, it must register that they too, deep inside their soul, miss you too.  That memory, that connection you had, is something the heart, the subconscious does not forget.

But it is hard to walk away with and move forward without having those days when, out of the corner of your eye, you feel a tear begin to slip down the side of your face. The next thing you know, there is a thunderstorm inside you that bursts open and the cry is more than just a thought a tissue can quickly clear away.  It is something, call it a Kodak moment, that can't be erased. And you don't want it gone.   

It is amazing how resilient we are, to be able to endure the pain of a loss of someone dear to us and still find the strength to go on with our lives.  We must and accept life is certainly about change. Acceptance of life with other people’s conditions on yours can be challenging . But reality is life is painful.  Life is not always happy endings. We can’t control what others think or do and what they act on.  We can only control ourselves. That alone we have to use to create our own sense of peace.

God is there. Through the loss, the tears, when the 'missing' becomes overpowering, God is holding your hand assuring you that you are not forgotten. He lets us know your shared memories mattered, that it was not all for not.  He feels the pain and cries along with us at our hurt. 

If you are hurting and have lost someone you love, the ability to be an active part of their life, know that you are not alone. If the last occasion was voices raised in anger, know that anger does subside over time. Eventually your shared moments will surface. You may be long gone but those memories, those times together, cannot be erased. That someone will miss you and so will others connected with that person that are no longer a part of your world. 

Raise your head after you weep and know God is crying too.  May you be graced enough that your last encounter was holding that person close, perhaps in your arms.  May the last words you uttered have been an endearment saying I love you and will miss you. And know, without a shadow of a doubt, its better to have loved, nurtured and cared for someone dearly than to have missed the opportunity to have impacted someone’s life. And, for you, the one with the heavy heart, far better that your special someone got the chance to deeply touch yours.

Missing your little face,

And your sweet embrace,

The sound of your giggle,

When you start to wiggle.

Knowing as you grow,

The memories may start to go.

And praying as they do,

You'll feel I am out here always loving you.