A New Day

I wrote a blog a few weeks back about a twenty dollar bill I received in the mail. This came from my birth mother, Margie Ketterman of Michigan this year as a belated birthday gift. The story has touched the heart strings of many as it seemed to touch a chord in those that read it of relationships that, perhaps, needed mending. Or perhaps validation? Or maybe just another simple sign of I love you.

My brother’s favorite saying for years was “Life is about choices we make, we must accept responsibility for those choices.” My mother made a choice to not be involved in my life the day she left my father. She did attempt to stay in contact but it was sporadic for years. At times, non existent. She had her own issues to deal with and somehow I got left standing out in the cold with the feeling that my birth mother did not care about me. I have felt for years she did not deserve to have a relationship with me either. She made a choice to step out and leave me and not support me in any fashion. Therefore, why should I put any energy into a relationship with her? She is not what most would consider ‘mother material.”

As I have aged and endured the long treatment of cancer, my attitude has changed. It is important to dissect our past and learn from it. It is still vital we accept responsibility for the decisions we make with our life but there is also a time to let go of our past and live for today. My decision to send the twenty dollar bill blog to my mother was to say “I have forgiven you and still embrace you in my heart in love. I recognize you love me as much as you can and I do not fault you for not being the mother I wanted.” This was healing to us both.

This Christmas morning, we spoke for the first time in literally years on the phone. The dialogue began like two strangers and quickly, the time and the distance evaporated. We became who we are, mother and daughter, full of wonder about the other, full of sadness for what we missed out on and grateful for the moment. Isn’t that was Christmas is really about, the moment. The moment Jesus was born, our world changed forever. The “I love you and always have” my mother and I shared this Christmas will forever change us both.

May you create many moments like this in your life in 2009!

Women to Women: 10 Traits of Best Female Friends

10 – A good friend is loyal. She stands by your side when others walk away.

9- A good friend has a wonderful sense of humor, she can take it as well as she can give it. She knows not to take herself too seriously ..or you!

8-She is trustworthy. When you say “Don’t tell anyone” you just know, even if you didn’t say it, she wouldn’t. She guards your words like her own.

7-A good friend pumps you up, gives you encouragement to be all that you can be. She also knows how to take a compliment when you give her one. She knows the importance of this also; taking positive reinforcement is important and lets the giver feel blessed you took it!

6-She knows how to shop. Good female friends shop together, this is a given. Like men bond on the golf course, women bond at the mall, at a good clothing store like nothing else!

5-She puts time into the relationship, not taking it for granted. Even with the hustle and bustle of life, she makes you one of her priorities in life so you stay connected. You mutually share your lives.

4-A good friend is like a good marriage partner, they grow with you. The experiences that shape you shape her as well.

3-A good friend is honest. When you ask her opinion, she freely gives it. She handles her honesty with respect but values the relationship too much to just tell you what you want to hear.

2-A good friend practices good communication skills. She listens, attentively, responds accordingly and shares the gamut of the conversation. She does not need to constantly be the center of the conversation or the talker.

1- A good friend knows how to love another woman, like a sister loves a sister, unconditionally and accepts you, the good, the bad and the ugly. She knows that God is seen thru those around us and feels her friendship with you is another side of the face of God.

Blessed are those of us with a good female friend or two in our lives. Truly God is somersaulting in heaven with delight in our joy!

The Love of a Good ------ Dog!

All over the country, shouts of “Hello, I am home” sends four footed doggies, tails wagging and behinds swiveling left to right, running to their owners. This is the highlight of their day!

In this day and age of hustle and bustle, it is hard to find a friend, the kind that listens with intensity, and does not interrupt. Dogs seem to be the exception. Many dogs tilt their head to ensure the sound waves are redirected so they don’t miss a beat of what their owners are saying. You can say your deepest darkest secrets and know they will not be revealed. You will not be judged, and at the end of your recanting your dastardly deeds, your pet will proudly lick your face for bearing all. It is a validation of the courage you have shown your four legged friend! Dogs make the best listeners. If nobody listens to you, you either need to evaluate the content and delivery of your message, or get a dog.

Buddies are an affirmation of your worth. As my one friend tells me, our dog loves to drink (small amounts!) of beer. When my husband needs a break from the rest of the world and the family drama, he can be found out in the backyard ,grilling out, beer in hand and just chilling with the family dog! These are moments that show how the simplicity of life are truly memorable. As I listened to her recant these memories, her face was full of love and laughter. I saw a twinkle in her eye as if she was picturing it from the distance. Her dog is her husband’s drinking buddy and it keeps him safe, home and content!

My old high school chum has had dysfunction in her life for many years. All that emotional scarring has long healed. She is now fulfilled, living with the man she should have married the first time, and busy as ever between work, sharing her life with her husband and their two children. Did I mention, both are four legged? Yep, the dogs are the center of attention frequently and bring so much joy to their happy union.

I reconnected a few months ago with a dear friend recently divorced. She has gone thru two divorces in a relatively short time. The one stable element in her life is her dog, a beautiful golden retriever that is as loyal today as when her and her first husband brought her home to their apartment. She told me that, through it all, not only was the love of her family a strength provider during tough times but her dog let her know that she will always be there. This dog is so loyal and caring. If she cries, the dog licks away her tears and reminds her she is blessed.

My pet, a beloved Labrador retriever found a lump in my breast which turned out to be breast cancer in the fall of 2007. He rammed his head into my chest, when I bent over to pet him; on the right side so hard it bruised my skin on the outside. This bruising forced me to feel and examine my breast closer to see if the tissue was damaged. When I did that, I noticed a large size mass. This turned out to be cancer. When the malignant tumor was removed, my surgeon told me the tumor matched up identically to the shape of the bruising and the placement of it on the outside of my chest where Charley had plowed into me. To this day, the surgeon credits my dog for saving my life. I had aggressive cancer and with out Charley’s sensing something was wrong there, I might not have life left to spend time reflecting. Note: Charley cannot be used in place of mammograms.

I met a man a few months ago. He lived alone, was quite poor and never left his house. His wife passed away a few years back and his life has never been the same as they shared a profound deep love and over thirty years of marital bliss. When I met him, he was as happy as a lark. Why? Because the one thing him and his wife shared was the love a small mutt and that mutt, to this day, sits on the center of the old man’s lap every day faithfully. As the old man watches his favorite TV programs him and his deceased wife use to share, the dog is diligent in being near his master. The dog relieves this man’s loneliness and reminds him that a piece of his wife will always be with him. And, the dog shares in this man’s sense of loss. That can be so healing, to have someone who can relate to your emotional loss. Hence, he is a happy man, full of smiles and joys to interact with those that care to come into his home. His dog is happy also as they have each other!

When you see a stray dog, call the Animal Control. These are God’s creatures too and they do not deserve to suffer an untimely painful death by starvation or being hit by a car to lie dying on the roadside. Someone might need them in their life. Dogs can be a blessing. Give them a chance. They may be the best friend you ever make!

A Single Twenty Dollar Bill

A lot of years went by with no dialogue between the two. Many years had passed since they had seen each other, hugged each other or even made eye contact. Their relationship, whatever it was, however you defined it, was a thing of the past.

These two, mother and daughter, shared very little memories. There was a faint glimpse of laughter at a hotel during a weekend visit to town, a memory of a home shared where the two had resided in many moons ago and a connection via the usual exchanged cards, birthday and Christmas. Mother’s Days have came and went with a simple card mailed that said “Thinking of you with love.” There was even a phone call here and there made, with a gasp of surprise on either end to know they were, all these years later, connected, the bond somehow not totally broken.

Choices were made by the mother that led her life in a new direction, one that did not include her daughter. Choices were made by the daughter that excluded having the mother a part of her life, a part of her joys and her sorrows. She found others to confide in, to offer solace and to share memories of life with. These two lived, as if on separate continents but yet knew, in side, the bond of mother and daughter is never really broken. The years had been unkind to them both in many of the same ways and in different ways. But they both knew, in spite of it, their prayers were always inclusive of the other.

This mother grew up poor in money and rich in laughter. The daughter grew up much richer in money and short on laughter. Both had abusive husband experiences, hurt feelings from children disappointments, and health issues. Both shared vulnerability towards life and a sensitivity that lead to hurt feelings and wondering why life had dealt such a hard hand to them.

Then there was a twenty that is a twenty dollar bill in the mail. It was carefully tucked and folded inside of a birthday card that read ‘To daughter with love.” And this birthday, indeed, was special; it was one year out from a cancer diagnosis. This birthday left this daughter feeling grateful she was alive.

Cards had poured in the entire year from a mom besot with sadness that her daughter was going thru such a tough battle and she was powerless to do anything but say I love you in cards and letters to her daughter and remind her that she continued to pray for her healing from this battle. No phone calls were exchanged between the two, just an occasional update thru others to say ‘Your mom had more heart problems’ and a ‘Your daughter is quite sick from chemo.’

But that all changed, that day the twenty dollar bill came. It was a huge sacrifice from the mother to send that kind of money to her daughter, the one she had not seen in well over 37 years. She lived in a one bedroom apartment and struggled to make ends meet. In the midst of all this, she took and gathered up enough money to send her daughter that money with a note that said how very proud she was her daughter had fought the battle and won. It spoke in very few words of the love she felt brimming over for her daughter. Her daughter knew that day unlike every before; she was blessed indeed with a mother that loved her beyond words. She knew the twenty dollar bill would never ever be forgotten. It had arrived late because the mother had to wait to get paid to come up with the money. She told her daughter she wanted this birthday to be the most special one in her life. It was, because of this mother. It represented a token of her mother’s love. It proved without a shadow of a doubt that no number of years could take away the bond this mother and this daughter shared.

A Day of Bliss

So many dreams are brought to a wedding day. Some realistic, some not. All fiancés come to this day, the wedding day, with the hope of a love ever lasting, one that can weather any storm. Odds are against this succeeding in today’s world. The presence of God in their lives and placement in their relationship front and center improves greatly their odds of success.

When the wedding day is over, the candles are all blown out. It is a dark reception hall that was once bright with gaiety. The remains of a once glorious wedding cake is either thrown out or put in the freezer at home, in the hopes of the couple being together in one year to eat it in celebration of an anniversary. When the year passes, that cake never tastes as good at it did that very first day. The love that was brought to the ceremony will hopefully not be like the cake, dried out and a cheap representation of what took place.

The marital vows, no matter what denomination the church is, seem to be the same at ceremonies all over this country. All thought goes into picking flowers, choosing dresses, designing table decorations and all the other trimmings. Very little contemplation goes into what is said. Odd how the words stated that join husband and wife, in front of God, family and friends should be the most overlooked aspect, Should this not be the single most important piece of a wedding? Why is not then?

May reading this blog inspire you, and the others you know and love, to look at their own marriage with the attention given to planning a wedding. May the way you look at your spouse on the day you made eye contact walking down the aisle bear some resemblance to how you view each other at the end of a hard day. May the sweet smell of the flowers in the bouquets echo the warmth and intensity of your love as you bid each other good night at the close of a day. Find the words of encouragement and support that most of us long to find in a life time mate. May you awaken in the morning with the excitement and blessed feeling you had that very first day you were joined with your mate and heard the words “I do!”

Pray for Little Things

When I think of 'thanks for giving' I think of the wondrous gift God has given us of eternal salvation. He even sent his son so that we might learn how to live our lives.

When I think of a loving spouse, I think of my husband, who is always there for me to build me up when others knock me down and just share in my joy when life is going great.

When I think of unconditional love, I think of the first time I set eyes and held my first child, Michael. He looked up at with eyes full of wonder and it was the first time I truly felt needed by anyone. I also think of my daughter, born in 1981 right after the start of a New Year, screaming bloody murder in the delivery room and me holding her wondering if she would ever quiet down long enough so I could see her eyes.

When I think of friends, I think of many of you, folks that accept me for me and have developed a reciprocity quality to our relationship. Thank you for keeping it real. Life is too short to live any other way.

When I think of our armed soldiers, I think of our founding fathers fight for freedom and how lucky we are to live in the home of the brave! I think of the soliders that have died and pray God will let their families know that we Americans mourn their passing also and are grateful that they took a stand for our country.

When I think of Thanksgiving, I think of the first one, where Pilgrims and Indians shared a feast at a table, putting aside their differences. I am reminded of the joy of diversity.

When I think, I frequently find it leads to prayer; a prayer of thanksgiving.

Fly High

United we stand as a country. It seems fitting to me that United Way’s tag line is LIVE UNITED. We are all interdependent so need each other. This organization really seems to understand that concept and act on it.

In my short time at United Way, I have learned that there are organizations, large and small, for practically every conceivable need you can think of. However, the one thing they all have in common is the almighty dollar being in short supply. They all need funds and volunteers. United Way works on both of these for its partner agencies.

To see the difference a small hand out makes in someone’s life is a blessing. I see this now quite often thru the work of United Way. What is even more revealing is that it was even needed. So many of the folks that we help live in neighborhoods like the rest of us and just are overlooked by others in a position to help them. Older folks need maintenance on their homes, their yard raked, etc. Take the time to notice this.

With Thanksgiving upon us, I appeal to you to ask yourself does someone need your help. Often times, it takes nothing more than a smile to make someone’s day special. We should get away from our ‘self imposed exile’ with others needs. Too much of society is self absorbed, centered only on themselves and not the common good. Imagine what our country would be like if our founding fathers were like that? Would we be called the United States? Would we have won our freedom?

Thanksgiving reminds me of a time when Indians came together with pilgrims from another land to share in a feast. Unity at the table was prevalent and not the differences that very first Thanksgiving of years long ago. May you find it in your heart to open up and extend yourself to someone who is different this year, someone with unmet needs. You can be the one that makes the difference. Remember, it truly is the small gestures in life that lift others up and make them feel alive! In being part of that process, you may find yourself flying high.

Stand Tall

And as far as the eye could see, people were lined up to cross the bridge in downtown Nashville, Tennessee one crispy day in October 2008. The crowd was full of young women, children, fathers, brothers, older women, disabled individuals in wheel chairs, and even babies in strollers. Everyone walked with a purpose to their step; to make a statement they want a cure for breast cancer.

This year was a record breaking number, 15,000 walkers! Cheerleaders were lining the streets as the masses walked towards LP Field to begin the historic American Cancer Society’s Making Strides against Breast Cancer annual walk. Even the young high school cheerleaders seemed to understand the importance of this walk as they yelled encouraging words to everyone passing by. Their voices were loud and clear. They were yelling as if we were a team fighting for a victory. We were.

Each step of this walk represented the battle a woman or man must face when diagnosed with breast cancer. As I crossed the bridge, being a breast cancer survivor myself, I could not help but be reminded of the bridges I had to cross to get to the other side of recovery, to be called ‘a survivor.’ I was blessed to be here, walking, when so many others had fallen from this disease and were no longer with us. They were not given the chance to walk.

On this day, all around me, periodically, through the 5 mile walk, I would hear some grumbling about sore feet and sore backs. Many were asking repeatedly “How much further till we reach the end?” It reminded me of the countless times I had asked my husband during treatment, “How much longer before this is over?” With each grumbling, I would laugh to myself enjoying the air, the noise and the sounds of live around me. I knew the pain of sore feet was nothing compared to a broken spirit when dealing with the side effects of chemotherapy. I knew those that had passed from this horrible disease were watching, from the best seat in heaven that day, urging all of us on. They knew this walk was a divine one with a purpose.

I recognized many survivors on this walk. I did not know them all personally, but I could sense who they were. They held their head high, their stance proud and their lips could hardly conceal a smile. They were proud; they were happy. These women were the ones that wondered if they would ever be okay enough to make this walk. They were like me; fighters who had fought the tough battle of breast cancer. They were now using their energy to fight for others.

The money raised this year in Nashville from this event was well over $600,000. The team I was a part of, Make Some Noise, contributed over $5,000 to that total. We knew the mission of the walk was not complete without funds raised to help support further research. We need a cure and to do that, we need the money to find it.

Please take a step towards making that happen. Find a way to help support research for a cure for breast cancer. This is not a pink issue, an issue that only affects women. It affects us all. Take a step with me.

Stand tall, be proud and care.

Bring Color to Breast Cancer Patients

As a cancer survivor, I can look back at my experiences and see small things in the year of treatment that made a huge difference in me. That change impacted others around me, positively, as well. My goal is to one day, bearing this in mind, to run my own non-profit organization devoted to this aim. I would enjoy helping breast cancer patients have some small comforts that help aid them in feeling good about themselves.

I became known to my oncology center as The Scarves Lady. After purchasing two different wigs, I found the one thing in common they both had, they were horribly uncomfortable. When a wig is placed on a bald head, it is very itchy and does not stay in place well. Plus, when I looked in the mirror I felt like a kid playing dress up. It did not look like me or my hair. Each hair was perfectly in place which is not me!

So I decided I was going to wear scarves, go for comfort. Thus I became the cancer patient that had countless colorful scarves. I loved the color they brought to my world! As my face was losing its color, I added color to my bald head to offset the ill look I saw on my face. Family and friends were always excited to see what combination I came up with next. I tried to mix and match scarves to both coordinate perfectly with my outfits and also to offset my clothing to give a fashion statement.

This attitude helped me feel back in control of my life, of my appearance. I needed that as; I was going through that period where patients feel a loss of control and unattractive. I needed to do something to put me back in the driver’s seat. The scarves did it and attracted positive attention from others, even fellow chemo patients in the treatment room!

Thus my dream company would be to have funding and run an organization that would do this, give color to breast cancer women. I would love to be able to provide scarves I would have sewn from fabrics that I would pick out. It would be a small cozy place where women and their support system could sit, have a quiet cup of tea and be helped choosing which colors or patterns would look best on them.

This would be a place where women would not have the glare of others in a department store noticing their bald head when they pull off a scarf or wig and try on another. They would not be rushed either. If they came in, felt nauseated and needed a cup of ginger tea and to just sit for a few moments and relax, it would be accommodating. They could experiment with colors they do not normally wear and just enjoy the moment and take some control back into their lives in a safe supportive place. I might even entertain having a make up expert on hand to teach them how to apply make up. I also would like to be able to allow those that could not afford the purchase to get items for free, at least 2 or 3 from funding. It is a small ticket item that can potentially make a huge difference in someone’s attitude. The make up expert could help bring live back to their face and remind them cancer is but one small part of who they are and not the defining feature!

To do this, I need a philanthropist or corporate sponsors. A winning lotto ticket would do as well! This is my passion, helping other women that are going to follow this path. Cancer should not be the definer of who these women are, they all deserve someplace to go to be reminded their outer beauty can match their inner beauty. It would be something family members can bring their loved ones too or buy them a few to give them back the feeling of control of their live, of choices. Which scarf to wear was, at times in my treatment, the only choice I was able to make on my own and it was empowering. I want to impart that to others. I believe giving this empowerment back to these women would help them build strength to fight for a new day!

If you read this and are so inclined to do so, please pass this on to someone who can help me make this dream a reality. The numbers of breast cancer diagnoses are staggering so the number of women that could benefit from this is limitless. Perhaps, if one organization was started locally here, it could be a building block for many others. We are world of color; help me bring it to the breast cancer women that lose their spirit when they lose their hair.

Look At Me Now!

I interviewed with a wonderful organization called The United Way of Williamson County in Franklin, Tennessee a few weeks ago. I was then offered the position of Marketing and Communications Specialist. This role reports to a wonderfully good natured woman named Cheryl Stewart, Marketing Manager. She would have to be good humored to work with me! And I gladly accepted.

My role is part-time but this allows me to get involved in understanding all the causes that this organization supports. Thus, I have been in the throws of the learning curve! I had no idea there were so many useful programs today that help all walks of life with the difficulties many face in today’s world. I am inspired more than ever that I can influence positive change. This role may be behind the scenes but allows me the opportunity to grow with the organization, learn the various programs the United Way funds and supports too. This is truly an honor to be allowed to impact, in any way, the efforts of this organization to make resources available to all and help create change.

Their motto says it all, Live United. We all must do that, personally and professionally. Recognition is the first step: we are all interdependent and must do our part to help our neighbors. We all share this land, share in the American dream. With a little bit of effort on our part, we can help others realizes their greater destiny. This organization thrives on accomplishing this end!

Please keep open minds the next time you hear of The United Way coming to your company or organization. They truly are full of caring folks in the office out to make a difference. Please know, behind the desk, trying to come up with the right words to motivate you to care is me, with the aid of my new chief Cheryl at the helm! With the awareness of needs in our community, the right words to stimulate your caring nature and your donations, United Way makes these dreams come true!