I became a parent at a very young age, eighteen infact for
my first child. I had my next child, my only other one, just two and a half
years later, giving birth a few months after turning twenty-one. While friends from high school were off
attending college, I had two in diapers and was a stay at home mom. To make it
even more isolating, I lived in a city far away from where I grew up and was
too young for neighbors in the apartment complex to really want to befriend me.
Thus, I put a lot of energy always into the relationship with both of my
children.
One thing I noticed early on with both of my children is
they mirrored quite a bit of what they saw of me. I felt it was unfair to expect them to do
something I myself did not do anyways though. I eat healthy, so as children
they were introduced and made to eat food from all food groups. They were not allowed to simply eat junk food
or whatever they pleased. If that was their goal, they went hungry. They both quickly learned sweets were not
going to be the only source of food. This lesson was learned much better by my
son who, to this day, eats very little sweets!
When my daughter was born, the second child, and was
diagnosed with asthma, it gave me the ammunition to put my foot down and insist
my husband quit entirely his smoking cigarettes in the house and in the car. I
think it is hypocritical to tell children it is unhealthy to smoke and then
smoke around them. Dueling messages are confusing, especially at
young ages. Children can’t comprehend which is right and wrong and are looking
to their parents for direction. They
should not be put in a position where they have to choose sides either.
Today, in schools, children are reading at a much quicker
pace than ever before. The bad news is
that there are more children with special needs than ever before and most of
these children have language issues which include reading. My children were read to daily, encouraged,
even prior to reading, to look through books.
I have been an avid reader all of my life and, at this time in my life,
though time was limited, I still read some. I made certain my children knew
reading is a lifetime habit for me. This is not something that, we hit a
certain age, and we simply stop doing. As
they got older I told them that it enriches the mind and keeps our reading skills
sharp. That might not stick but the seed
was planted.
When my children got into sports, I was working out also,
exercising regularly, playing tennis with friends and even progressed into
coaching children’s sports. Dropping
children off at practices and games simply says that the parent is keeping them
busy. Staying there from time to time shows an active interest. This shows a parent how they are spending
their time there, giving a firsthand view of what is being accomplished, how
they are being coached and an opportunity to reinforce those efforts at home. Your child may not be the star player, most
aren’t. He or she can still benefit from
team play from hearing from a parent that their efforts are not going unnoticed
by you. Telling a child that their
discipline is preparing them for the future and that dedication is what makes
people successful is awesome affirmation for a child to play sports or any
extracurricular activity. You also
participating in some other hobby likewise shows them that what they do is
something that should be a lifetime goal.
For mental and physical health, these activities matter for us all, we
need balance.
I had to wait to go back to college as a non-traditional
aged student. Hence, while my children were doing homework, I was helping them
with homework, proofing their work and then doing my studies. They saw this. My children witnessed me
working from home as an assistant book publisher during my college years. I was a single mother, having divorced their
father by this time and raising them on my own. At some point in the evening,
when we weren’t on the run to practices or games, I would transition to my coursework.
The usual routine was they did their homework first and I
studied while they did theirs. I checked theirs, took care of their needs, put
them to bed and then finished mine. When my son was old enough, he would quiz
me when I had tests coming up. There
were times when he had no idea what he was asking me as I would make up tests
for him to quiz me but he would play along.
It became a learning lesson for him because he learned some of my
material from quizzing me and he was quite bright to begin with! These evenings
taught my children the value of a good education at any age.
We struggled financially.
It was not easy to find ways to make ends meet. My children were aware
of it and I made sure they had the majority of what they wanted and needed.
They both got to go to a private Catholic high school, my son by choice. I put my daughter there, and that was not
entirely by choice but it seemed the best place for her to be at the time. I still believe, my pursuit of my education
led to them both setting high educational goals for themselves.
My son and daughter both have gone on to get educations past
Bachelor degrees. My son lives closer to me so it is easier to attest to his behaviors
with his wife and children. I see many similarities with him and
myself. I see someone who enjoys
interacting with his children and supports their extracurricular activities
exactly how I was. His wife tells me he
never waivers in his support. He has sat
at soccer games where his son simply runs after the crowd of kickers. He sits and cheers for his daughter at dance
recitals being the dutiful dad taping her dances and rushing the stage with
roses. He has taken his other son to horseback
lessons encouraging him to hold on to a huge horse and that he, the little 4
year old, will be just fine!
I recall attending both of my son’s graduation, first for
his undergrad and then for his PhD. Both
times I recall hearing him say that he would never read again. That stuck about 3 months. To this day, my son is constantly reading
updates on his field, publications, online articles, attending seminars, and
reading other materials. Yes, that drive of reading is still there. His amazing
ability to write he had in school, occasionally, when he has the need to write,
it is still as strong as ever, he just seldom has time to tap into it.
All of this to say, my son and I have an extremely close
relationship all of his life. Our bond
has always been more of one that was unspoken.
He has always watched me, from the time he was a little guy. He was always the lover of the two kids
though and never questioned me on anything. But what he did too was
observe. And what he taught me was this,
children learn from what you do, how you live, your example. It is very similar to how a leader leads by
example.
Parenting is best done by being what you want your child to
be. Being honest, being fair, being truthful about where you have made errors.
It is about stressing education, having laughter in your home, teaching
morality, accountability and understanding what the word love really means, in
the Christian sense. Parents need to
show children how to apply intelligence to life, how to have self-discipline,
and how to admit they have a problem and when they have one how and where to
seek help and get it when they need it. Getting help is not a weakness, having
a problem and not doing anything about it is.
Above all, loving God and letting your children and spouse know you love
them is key. This is done not just in
words but in deeds.
Indeed, this is a hard job.
Sign up only for the serious minded!
