I will never forget the day I decided to cut all my hair off
and go to short hair. I did it without
looking back even though, doing so, my face is so visible. For so long, my hair has been long. I think having long hair was a way of hiding
my face from view. I never really have
liked the way I looked. I have always
been rather plain, seeing myself as ordinary. Oh, and I have detested my thin,
lackluster hair.
When I had cancer, I dreamed my hair would come in luscious
and full. Infact, I prayed God would
bless me after that ugly battle and reward me with the hair of my dreams.
Initially, it seemed he had granted me my wish but lo and behold, it eventually
grew to its original state, limp, lifeless and fair.
I began to see a connection between my hair, my face and my inner
self. I had spent most of my life trying
to be as perfect as I could. Perfect to
me, included being as thin, as good-looking as I could be, smart at everything
I attempted, the best at everything. I wanted to always have my father be
pleased at everything I did. With a mother that had walked away from me as a
child, I felt partially to blame. I felt
as if my stepmother saw me as a misfit and didn't care. My goal was to make my
dad proud and somehow have my stepmother see me as someone to be proud of.
In striving for
perfection, I made top grades many times, even hitting a 4.0 a few times. I was on drill team in high school, double
majored in college as a non-traditional student, accelerated at various jobs,
and raised two successful children giving it my all, making many sacrifices
along the way.
However, I also, on that course of trying to please had
failed marriages, let myself down repeatedly, stressed myself out countless
times trying to hit unrealistic benchmarks, let many of my unhappy memories get
stuffed down inside of me instead of dealing with them in therapy and somewhere
along the way, began to lose myself and become more what everyone wanted me to
be.
Post cancer, post therapy, I had an ah-ha moment. Much
prayer, much reflection and time away from working, it hit me. I believe strongly the hair cut helped. I decided it was time to quit hiding my face.
Whether I am beautiful or not, my face needs and deserves to
be seen. I am who I am and I accept me for exactly who I am. I am not beautiful anyways because of how I
look on the outside, I am beautiful because of the same reasons my friends are
gorgeous to me. Beauty is because of how
I treat those around me and how I live my life. I am free now, I am not living
up to expectations of anyone anymore but the goals I set for myself and those
are reachable. It may be disappointing to some but I am living in total
reality, no longer hiding anything. I no
longer have to reach for the stars either, unreachable goal-setting. I can attempt
to do things I feel I can and want to accomplish. I can reach out and instead of trying to do
the impossible I can now help others reach their dreams.
Age and time has its benefits, a wisdom all of its own. Wow, I am so enjoying all the moments that
come my way and seeing so much of God’s great creations and people he has made!
And I am one of them, a work in progress, even still. Hair is an object, nothing more. What I am is
something so much more that hair I use to hide behind, there is depth behind my
face.
