The choices
on the shelf are immense. I honestly do
not see what the difference is in the brands on anything, be it potato chips,
green beans, bread, except for the price. And yet, like every other shopper, I
can spend 2-5 minutes standing there reading all the brands trying to make a
decision which one looks like the right one for my home.
Companies
know this too so marketing departments spend huge amounts of dollars simply on
the color of the label, size of the packaging and the verbiage you read. Even
something as simple as the word “improved” is strategic when there may not be
one darn thing changed in the product. How would you, the consumer, know? Truly, we are naive as can be and fall victim
to the marketing ploys shopping even in grocery stores! All those Store
Specials, coupon ads, high stacks of products on end-caps are there for a reason, Buyer
look here, you need me. It never says “Hey dummies get this!” It doesn’t have
to, you’ll buy it regardless.
My doctor
tells me reading labels on the back of food are important. Well, Lordy, could
they type it larger than the directions that come with prescriptions!
By the time you read the labels, pick up a
few extra bags of carrots in the produce department for your eyes due to eye
strain. Oh and lady your cart is creating a major traffic jam! And by the painstaking timely reading of labels, your cart and body blocks others. Move it or loss it. You are creating a massive
bottleneck and enemies and if you don’t hurry up do not be surprised to hear “Attention,
we have a traffic jam in Aisle 3, slow reader. We apologize; please hit this aisle
last before you check out.” YOU are
drawing the wrong kind of attention.
The ingredients are a trade-off; one is low in
sodium but high in carbs. By the
time
you are done, your cart is half empty deciding not a dang thing you want to eat
is good for the body. Then you have that shopper that thinks they are so
helpful watching you grab something to place in your cart and offering unsolicited
advice. By the time they are done telling you what is unhealthy about the
product you are convinced you’ll die from it and begrudgingly put it back.
Hell, maybe you should hire her to do your shopping next time. Or, on second
choice, forget the labels, throw everything in you want and get the hell out of
there! Then, forget the extra bag of carrots;
your eyes will be fine.
Ever notice
most folks don’t dress up to go to the grocery store? Au naturelle, not as in naked
though, is preferred; next to no make-up and sweats or crummy shorts. Why
bother while pushing a cart buying food? Well it
seems every time I go, I run into people I seldom see and there I am
looking my all-time worst! Most are
polite enough not to verbally say what they are thinking. They don’t have to,
their eyes say it all. “Wow, you must be picking up a prescription!”
I dart in
the opposite direction, careful now to not cross their path again. Glancing in
my cart, I notice items have magically appeared that weren’t on my carefully
prepared list. Most of these are those
damn impulse buys that just
seemed too good to pass up but I have no idea what the
original price. You know what I am talking about because far too many of you do
it too or stores wouldn’t do it, constantly.
If my husband is with me, because I don’t like going into the war zone
by myself, he will say, with some of these purchases “When did you start eating
that?” My response, “It’s on sale,” as
he rolls his eyes, totally committed to doing all the grocery shopping again. For that alone, I think it is a great deal and
an awesome move on my part more committed than ever to get more junk in the
cart!
I detest the
chatter other cart pushers want to engage in.
People want to engage with me every time. Perhaps they think they can be
my GA sponsor, as
in Grocery Shoppers Anonymous. But I am the opposite of that, I am far from
being addicted to being in the grocery store and that is not what I look
depressed and hostile. Meaningless dialogue.
In endless aisles of food is not how God wants me to spend the last few years
of my life. Look, if I was in a clothing
store or something, there could be an interesting dialogue of what is around us.
There is just nothing I want to say about toilet paper to acquaintances, I
don’t
need to know anyone’s preferences in brands of TP.
Then you have the kids’ parents who give the little crumb
grabbers anything to shut them up, usually chocolate candy they wear
everywhere. If you are lucky
enough to pass them closely, you get a mushy smushy chocolate
bar that looks like poop smeared on the edge of your cart or worse yet, your
arm. The mother looks at you and laughs finding it
funny. I want to say, “Hey, I paid my dues lady! Give me
a butt wipe so I can get this mess off me.” Now I am making record time to the front line!
Then you have the kids’ parents who give the little crumb
grabbers anything to shut them up, usually chocolate candy they wear
everywhere. If you are lucky
You also have the type that gives them a toy they never intend
on buying. This child plays with it and you know for sure it will be broken
before they make it to the front of the store. Too young to be arrested for
shop-lifting though technically it is in the category of a loss to the company
but hell, even the store is grateful of the white noise being silenced so they
turn the other cheek. All these prompts future juvenile delinquents. How many
people in prison were past toddlers in grocery carts breaking toys in Krogers,
huh?
None of us old folks did any of this. Nope, our children were
all angels in the store, walked straight lines, listened to us intently and
never asked for any candy. Right and they had to walk in the center of grocery
aisles so their angel wings didn’t knock cans off the shelves! But hey, we are
short on memory so let us keep on believing we were perfect parents and did no
wrong.
Naturally
now my squeaky wheel on my cart is beginning to create a migraine from hell, that
and the stress of my shopping not being done yet. I ask my husband:”How long before
we get there?” as in the check-out line. We have been here far too long. The
cart usually, by now starts malfunctioning direction ally going every way but straight. People look at me with the audacity expecting me to go upfront and get another cart. Really, seriously, like I am
going to march to the front of the store, at this point, get another cart and off-load every item and delay my exit?
The lowest
paid employee, FYI, is the bagger. I learned this by, yes, one time holding
that esteemed position. That person is also the gopher of the store. They sometimes
offer to take your bags to your car but who wants a stranger walking out to
*your car these days? Does the store management not realize that would be the
easiest way to have your car-jacked? Take
a stranger to your car with your keys in hand!
So nope, I load my bags in the car myself every time if shopping by
myself. And once I arrive home, I prefer, in a perfect world, to leave the bags
in the trunk. Hell, I am too exhausted from the whole experience to put them
away. Now is when I could use the gopher.
After making it to the light, the clerk at check-out, everyone went on break so only 2 registers are open and the lines are long. I make a mad dash to the shortest one. After 5 minutes I find out why. I manage to always pick the chatty lady that seems to have more trouble than usual finding the UPC codes on each item! And naturally she needs price checks on a few and won't take the customers word on the item. When I get up to the register, no price, no buy. That is the easiest way out of hell.
And so, to
those of you that love grocery shopping, I salute you. May you always find it something joyful to
compensate for those of us that hate it? Know that I will drink a hearty glass
of wine to toast you as you go with your coupons, grocery lists and shop for food at your favorite grocery stores!
