It has been a long time since I have curled up on my bed and
thought long and hard about what is was like to be there suffering through
chemo. Last night I did just that. I
came home, after being asked to leave work early and laid in my bed in the dark
just reflecting on that period of my life. Sometimes it seems like eons ago.
Other times, it seems like yesterday. It reality, it was five years ago.
I was told at work last night, after less than a week of
working at a high end women’s fashion store that being a breast cancer survivor
is something I am not to share with anyone. Being a survivor is something other
women see as very sad, depressing and is not pretty. A customer I assisted this week had a pink
survivor bracelet on and I congratulated her on her recovery. She told me she was a two year survivor and
had just had her reconstruction completed from her double mastectomy. The manager did not care to hear any of that;
she said any talk of breast cancer is totally unacceptable. No one cares
whether I had cancer or not and there is to be no talk of breast cancer in the
store. Breast cancer is sad, depressing
and does not make anyone feel pretty. We are in the business of making people
feel happy and pretty. If people don’t feel that way, they won’t spend money. I want sales in my store and for that to
happen, women need to be happy.”
She made it quite clear I am not to mention to anyone ever
again that I am a breast cancer survivor.
This discussion took place in the back stock room right after I got to
work. All the other employees in the area were quickly told to leave the room
as it was obvious I was going to be talked to in private by the big boss. There were two other items on her agenda
discussed but this was the item that really took my breath away. Quite honestly, I was shocked.
I was told that the effect of me mentioning breast cancer to
her business was that it would create a negative spiral and cause no one to
want to shop in the store if they knew a survivor worked there. I am to only talk about the clothes in the
store. She spoke as if I stand around
and talk about breast cancer on the job for hours. No one there knows anything about my battle,
not the type I had, where I had treatment, where I lived when I was diagnosed,
etc…because I have never discussed a single aspect of it with anyone, including
a customer.
She went on to warn me that my hours will be cut if I am
heard bringing up this subject again. Eventually
she would have to let me go, as in lose my employment. Breast cancer is an ugly thing. Women will walk past her store and not come
in. She
continued to educate me on how she feels the other half of women see breast
cancer, seeing women like me as sad and feeling more like what she described as
pitiful than compassion towards a survivor.
Customers will then, according to her, not feel beautiful being in the
store or want to buy clothing there and will leave not spending money. She
will not stand for me affecting her sales.
Cancer is ugly. It doesn’t seem to matter that there are signs
all over the store about her corporation sponsoring hope for breast cancer,
even selling Hope T shirts benefiting breast cancer. Or
that this store is for women, a disease that affects women.
This was repeated to me countless times. I suppose she thought I had a severe case of
chemo brain and wanted to be sure I heard it all correctly and it stayed etched
in my brain. I have never, in five years, been made to feel so unclean and ugly
as I was last night about the fact that I had breast cancer. No one has ever looked me straight in the
eye and actually said to me that nobody cared that I had breast cancer. Though
I know that is not true as I have a wonderful support system, the sting of her
words burns in my memory and heart. I find tears stinging my eyes even now when
I think of my friends that have died and those that have fought to survive this
dreaded disease being cast in this ugly group with me.
I pride myself on having a positive attitude. I can’t believe women would discriminate
against other women simply because of a disease no one asks for. But yet, it does exist, in a high end women’s
clothing store in mainstream America.
Odd too that it would occur in the South where the disease is even more
prevalent. I had a conversation with
only one other customer at this store about breast cancer. This woman was in the store trying to buy a
Hope T shirt in the size large as she could not find it at the other store
location. I asked her if she knew anyone
that was affected by breast cancer. She
responded with who she knew. I told her
I was a survivor also and thanked her for her support. I asked her if she was walking the Komen Walk
and when she responded no I simply said thank you for wearing the shirt to show
your support.
However, during this exchange, a young twenty-five year old
employee and another employee close to my age were standing idly by as it was
slow that evening, apparently ease-dropping
on the conversation. They must have heard
something they found offensive and reported it back to the manager that I had
indeed admitted to a customer that I was a breast cancer survivor. That preempted the need for me to be
reprimanded even though this woman was in the store for no other reason but to
purchase the shirt for breast cancer.
I think what I found
the most upsetting was her general attitude about breast cancer. It was a reoccurring
theme of it being ugly. Yes cancer is ugly, but to imply that the women who survive it are somehow perceived as ugly individuals and
would somehow discourage other women from wanting to be around them as it would interfere with their ability to
feel beautiful is short sighted and unfair. Furthermore,
to elaborate and state that women would actually avoid shopping at a
clothing store to avoid being near a cancer survivor employee is just plain outrageous. That mentality went out years ago; cancer is not contagious. Her concern is dollars in her store, nothing
else. And for this conversation to take place in October, Breast Cancer
Awareness Month when the whole country is focused on awareness of one of the
top medical issues we are faced with, how hypocritical. She does not want to know if her customers are
survivors, she just wants them spending money. Where is the heart and soul of
the business model here towards the true inner beauty of a woman? How can you
make a woman beautiful if you are unwilling to unleash her inner beauty also?
Today, I simply retreated, much as I did when I was in
treatment. My objective today was to
digest how the world views me, a breast cancer survivor. I am not happy I had
cancer, I did not want it, I am sad I had it.
But I am glad, in particular, I put the survivor at east, earlier this
week, in spite of the pain it caused me
later in the week. I am glad because her
recent surgery was indeed painful, emotionally more so than physically. She
needed to hear, from someone who had been there, right then, at that time,
while trying on clothes, she was indeed beautiful. I suppose, in some ironic
twist of fate, God put me there. And how twisted it is that Saturday night I am sitting at the same
store, in the back stock room. Essentially I was being told for the same
reason, because I am a breast cancer survivor and revealed it, I am a deterrent, somewhat ugly, for anyone
wanting to shop there. I am blessed I
told a woman the complete opposite earlier in the week on the other side of the
wall.
Earlier in the week, when this one customer told me she was
a two year survivor, with that hopeful look that I would understand, I simply
said five years for me. We shared that knowing look that says, ‘been there,
done that.’ I told her what every women wants to know that has been to hell and
back, “You look beautiful.” I congratulated
her and told her she looked awesome.
And we hugged.
As the customer, a survivor, stepped
back in to the changing room, I was waved up out of the changing area by the
assistant manager quickly. She pulled me
over to the side and said urgently, “Do not get close to the customers at all.”
I explained to her, the assistant manager, that the customer had whispered to
me she just got her final surgery complete on her reconstruction work. She was a breast cancer survivor. It didn't matter to her what the customer was
going through, she did not want me talking about anything like this. It is this mentality that this topic if
foreign to them and not pleasant.
It was apparent this assistant manager was upset by her
demeanor. Maybe when you have not
walked the road of cancer, you cannot relate to how life changing it can be. Or maybe you don’t understand how easily
survivors naturally bond. Having a
support system when you are out there, trying on new clothes with a new body
was wonderful Godsent for this lady. She had her new breasts in place and I was
there for her, to stand by silently and give an honest opinion. She knew I had been where she was just a few
years before, without us exchanging a word.
She bought a multitude of clothes that , over $750.00.
Incidentally, when the customer went to pay for her
purchase, the assistant manager would not allow me to ring out her sale at the
register. It was my customer and we are paid commission. The assistant manager took the entire sale as
her own. I suppose she was punishing for the exchange about breast cancer.
Sales numbers and dollars are the only figures my
supervisor, soon to be promoted to the district sales manager is concerned
about. Here are some real hard numbers to look at also. 2.9 million and 18 million. The first number
is how many cancer survivors there are
as of June 2012 in the United States according to the American Cancer Society
and the second figure is the approximate number there will be in 2022. Among
female cancers, breast cancer is the most prevalent with 41% getting breast
cancer. The national norm is 1 out of 8 women get diagnosed. The single largest group of cancer survivors
is breast cancer survivors, making up 54% of all cancer survivors. That is a sizable percent of the buying population. If this manager, soon to be district
manager of a female clothing store is correct in her assumptions, this
organization is surely in for some rough times ahead!
I suppose I should caution other breast cancer survivors out
there to not share their success with others in the work place or run the risk
of being reprimanded. But, I leave that up to you to decide. I will never open my mouth again without
hesitating. The look in her eyes, of total
lack of compassion, was unfathomable to me. I had just come from walking the
Susan Komen walk. I always knew I
was prettier before cancer and here someone was pointing it out to me loud and
clear.
Sometimes, as a survivor, you think you are invincible, on
top of the world. Then something happens and you feel knocked back down. Usually
it is another cancer scare. I never
dreamed it would be a callous comment that would send me reeling. Last night, I felt hit by a boulder that
left me taking a critical look at myself.
At least at first it did. Now not
as much so.
I hope other women that haven’t had breast cancer don’t look
at breast cancer survivors like these three women do. I pray they don’t. I wonder, if this attitude is reflective of
their company as a whole or just the individuals? Actually I pray breast cancer survivors are not
thought of as ugly, sad pathetic individuals who are bad for business and bring
sales down for women’s clothes. Fighting
cancer is hard, is it fair we should also have to fight misconceptions after
the fact that are groundless? Please don’t
prejudge us.
It is hurtful and unfair to be judged based on a diagnosis for anyone, no matter what the diagnosis is and not for who you are as an individual. Breast cancer does NOT define the person; it is a disease, treated and they hopefully conquered.
