10/02/2008

Surgery Pro


You know you are surgery pro when you know the answers to all the questions before you are asked! This is a sure sign that you are no longer a novice at surgery protocol.

After having yesterday, an outpatient surgery, it was so apparent to me and all present that I am indeed a pro at this. I can literally continuing talking, with no break, when being pricked for starting an IV line. Infact, I frequently can point out the better veins to shoot for, making the nurse’s job so much easier. I have learned the trick to be successfully pricked, remain calm, do not tense up and do not ever let the nurse know you are anxious about it. It only serves to unnerve them and you want them calm.

The hospital gowns never change. Vera Wang is not waiting in the wings with the newest look for patient attire! Hence, each time, no matter where I have gone, the most commonality is the gown you are forced to wear. It is the most hideous looking gown, never fits you well and often times, does not feel comfortable against the skin. With as much as you pay to be at a hospital or surgery center, why can’t some of those profits go into a more contemporary gown?

Another sign of my expertise is my ability to know how to control the bed buttons and the TV controller! I am told many patients have to ask for instructions. I think they even have a manual you can read, something possibly called Controlling your hospital bed and TV remotely for Dummies.”

This is one of the few places in life that you go in looking so much better than you do when you walk back out. After a procedure or a hospital stay, you walk out like a zombie, deprived of needed sleep, hungry for real food they do not serve and dying for something besides ice chips or a Coke. I have made my husband literally stop at a drive in McDonalds just so I can have something not good for me. My body craves the indulgence of fast food!

The instructions you leave with are a standard for just about every procedure. It is ironic that they feel they need to point out the obvious on these instructions. Call us if you have a temperature, excessive bleeding or uncontrollable pain. Who in their right mind would not call when any of these things occur?

Sometimes I think it would be funny to call about the less obvious and ask something like “Is it ok for me to go an amusement park in less then 24 hours after my procedure and get some real thrills by riding roller coasters repeatedly? “ Yeah, I think I might do that sometime just to change the monotony of the procedure! For, at the end of the day, life is about taking chances.
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