My husband
and I were talking the other day while walking through the neighborhood. It was
dark and the night was still. Perhaps the somber mood was appropriate as it
matched my mood. Earlier in the day, I was recalling a previous memory of
someone near and dear who has since left us.
For someone
never short on words, I found myself rather tongue tied. How does one express
such a loss that can’t be filled? There
is a hollow place in my heart that will always remain and yet I know my
husband’s hole is far greater than mine. His sense of loss from the passing of
his son, his only son, is an impassable pain that far exceeds mine. And yet, I am still brought to tears if I
recall some of my fondest memories of him. I never dreamed those would be the
memories that would have to last a lifetime.
I only wished for one last hug, one last phone call, one last conversation,
one last anything. Now I have to settle for prayers.
I often
wonder is there a good way to let go of someone before they leave your world, watch
them die slowly so thereby having a
chance to say the long good bye or a passing where there is no chance to do so
it is over quickly. Maybe it is just
plain self serving to even consider such a thing. It would be too easy to be influenced by what
is easier for you, the one left living verses the one that is dying. And
besides, this is all God’s call, He controls destiny.
Each moment
is truly precious. It is so easy to
forget that and not treat it as such. In the blink of an eye, we or someone we love dearly could be gone. I had no idea, the last call would be the very
last call ever from Dan. Who thinks that of a step son at age thirty two? Had I
known the last message on the recorder would be the last one, I think I would
have left it on our machine for years.
I don’t want to forget the sound of his voice. No one sounds like Dan and I miss his
sound.
Gone are the
days of Dan coming over and eating every last Reese cup in our house. No more will the phone ring and we hear his
voice on the other end with updates on his live and be overjoyed when something
good is happening. His children will
miss his smiles. No one to send Happy
Birthday cards to when his birthday rolls around anymore even though he was too
young to die. That trip we planned one day to take him to Disney World in
Orlando, well it is never going to happen.
He won’t be walking his daughter down the aisle or kissing a future
daughter in law who marries his son. He
won’t be there for either of his parents when they age and he won’t be there to
hold our hands when we just want to be with him to let him know we love and
miss him.
I am not so naive
to think we have the market on death or loss. I have attended far too many
funerals for cancer victims over the last five years. I also know everyone experiences death many
times in their lifetime. Many have felt
just as cruel a loss as we have.
Mothers, fathers, children, wives.
It is never easy. Going through
this experience, though, has been different than another other death for
me. This is far different than losing a
grandparent, a great aunt, a casual
friend. This person was part of the
heart of us. This is someone we were certain
would be a part of our future in some capacity, someone we were eager to see
what his future held for him and his children!
Death can be
cruel to those of us left on earth. We celebrate the joy our loved ones created
in our lives. We celebrate their legacy and their endless peace now in
eternity. We rejoice in it and that
gives us comfort, most days. But yet we
still grief, to varying degrees. We often times have trouble carrying on. Some
more so than others.
Unfortunately, even
those that move on well with life, have stormy days that come out of nowhere
when the pain grips the soul. Those
days, when it hits me, I miss Dan so
much that it feels like a fragment of my heart breaks off. The finality of not seeing or talking to him
ever again is recalled like it is the first time I have ever faced it all over
again.
I had to
write a paper in college on if I could spend one day with someone deceased who
would it be and what would I say. At the time, I picked my Grandma Gliatti. I
loved her passionately and had such fond memories. I think now I would have to
change it and pick Dan. Yeah, I most
certainly would pick Dan Bronold. I
think some of what I would say is below.
“Dan, you
always had a good heart inside.
Everyone that knew you well could feel that. When you died, your father,
mother and I received countless cards, letters, emails and phone calls from
friends that loved and missed you. Each one had stories to tell of what a
wonderful support system you were and a great friend.
Those
stories made us laugh. Some made us laugh so hard we cried. The pictures your
dad got, oh if you had seen his face you would have died laughing! They were
pictures of you clowning around and he was so proud of your ability to make
your friends enjoy life and be happy to be around you.
Your mom
held together well Dan but was so distraught inside that you were gone. You meant the world to her so please keep a
close eye on her from heaven. You are
needed by her and by us even from that place up there. You thought you needed us but we need you
too.
Love, to me,
is not just a word, but an intense feeling, something I do not say lightly or
take for granted. I genuinely feel love in my heart for you and appreciate your
ability to find love in your heart for me over the years and allow me into your
life.
Your parents
may not have been perfect but everything they did they did out of love. Your father may have seemed very hard on you
Dan but he was so saddened that you did not believe in yourself and kept giving
up on yourself. He tried everything to get you to believe in yourself and love
yourself and you just didn’t. Don’t
mistake that disappointment for a lack of love because that deep profound love
was always there Dan, it still is.
I am glad you have seen
and felt the Hand of God and his everlasting love. I am happy you have found
peace. I am saddened that you were the
one person I waited one more time to say all the things I wanted to say and
then never got the chance. Know we will
meet again and until then, know we hold you alive in our hearts in deep everlasting
love Dan and we will miss you horribly until we are together again. “
I didn't see
this coming. I didn't get to say any of this to him. Now he is gone. For someone who prides herself on being open
and honest and never holding back words, with Dan I did. The silence between calls became longer and
it became easier to just keep silent rather than say what was in my heart when
things in his life were on a downward spiral.
Maybe that is when he needed to hear them the most? Things
were left unsaid, always on the hope for a brighter tomorrow and then I would
say them to Dan. That day is never going
to come.
Regrets can be painful lessons.
