Looking Back at the Earliest Days - Daughter's Birthday

My daughter and I are nothing alike.  She is headstrong, outspoken and a true extrovert. She is driven, passionate and has a real command of

communication skills that she can use to her advantage in almost any situation good or bad. And so today, her birthday, it seems fitting that I would take a moment to write a memories of the early days as a small child of how this personality first exhibited itself to the world.  You can judge for yourself how easy or difficult it was to be a young mom to this precious lady. Do know, without a doubt, I was never short of moments of unexpected laughter!

As a toddler, my little girl enjoyed masterminding new tricks.  She quickly learned how to jump out of her crib by using the mattress as springboard. She also knew it upset me to no end so learned to climb back into as soon as she heard my steps coming down the hallway. To make matters even worse, she hated dirty diapers as much as me. So, prior to potty training, baby girl took to removing them anywhere and everywhere! How did I know this? I would turn around after yelling at her seeing her mess with her diaper telling her to not take it off and there she would be walking in it. However, the dead giveaway was she was walking leaning sideways; kind off cockeyed as she never quite mastered getting her legs in the right holes so was trying to keep it upright on her hips.

My little girl was frequently ill, just a multitude of health issues from Day I. Going to the pediatrician was often on the to do list.  And she could be a handful in the itty bitty room with not much for her to do besides open every drawer, find the trash can, flip the lights, roll on the floor, turn the sink on, until I got tired of listening to myself say no and threatened her with bodily harm. By the time the doctor walked in, she would promptly tell him, when he apologized for being long, “I was good or Mommy would beat my butt.” That was Christina, not mincing words or holding back.

Then there was the time we arrived at Vacation Bible School late. The church’s hall was very quiet as classes had already started. Most of the nuns were busy except for the one performing check in. She approached and I apologized for being late. I said I got delayed by a phone call. My daughter jumped in to correct me loudly so everyone in the hall heard “No, it was because my brother said a bad word and needed to get soap in his mouth.”  All eyes in the hall were on us and I could feel my son falling back behind my legs.  Christina did not always have a filter, lol!

As I took her shopping, so many times things came out unexpected that I began to be well-versed at coming up with responses back to strangers. I also learned to get the hell out of lines quickly. Her voice projected well like mine. There were the times she asked me things like “Why does that person ahead of us smell so bad?” or “Mister, why are you staring at me? Don’t you know that is rude?”  Or getting to the front of the register and asking for me to buy her candy. I would say no and she would say with annoyance “You promised if I was good you would buy me candy, I was good. You lied Mommy!” I could feel all eyes staring at me like I was the worst mother of the year. 

Even when it came to eating, my daughter could outsmart me. The rules were that if you didn’t eat the main course there were no deserts or treats, like cookies. I wasn’t good, initially, at checking to see if she stashed food away, assuming if her plate was empty, she ate it so praising her.

Over a period of about 6 months, she got rid of food in so many ways, eating up praise left and right. Before being potty-trained, I would find food stuffed in her diaper from dinner! She would put food bites in the bottom of her juice cup. She had hand signals for the dog under the table and would feed it to him. No wonder the dog loved her!  I suppose, one day, I gave up. No treats right after dinner because her ingenuity was just too creative. 

Many parents believe in Time Out. It was even popular back when she was a youngster. But it was a useless proposition at my house with my little girl. About the time I would tell her she could come out of it, she would tell me she would prefer to stay in it! Her communication skills were always extremely advanced for her age. So even if company was over, she’d say things when time was up for time out, “I am enjoying using my imagination, I think I will sit here a bit longer but thank you anyways.”   And sit she would until I had to make her get up!

Answering the telephone became something she enjoyed from the moment she could start putting sentences together, about 2 1/2 years old. Even then, her speed was incredible. She could beat almost all of us to the phone if she had a running start, though she was always the shortest in the house.  It was quite comical to hear someone so tiny give complete answers in sentence structure and hear their reaction on the other end of the phone! When the call was for her dad and he was working, she gave the funniest answers. My favorites she came up with were: “Daddy working. He’s making money to buy me shoes.” And this classic, “Daddy’s gone.  He doesn’t want to talk to you now.”  Guess they got the message from her! 

Nobody, but nobody loved Snicker bars like my girl!  And yet, due to migraines induced by nuts, they were a serious No No for her! So, somehow she sneaked them. How did I know?  Well, in cleaning her room and pulling out her bed one day, I discovered a stash of snicker wrappers under her bed.  After this repeatedly happening, she got wiser! She then began squishing them between that space in the wall and the side of the bed it lays up against.   All of this was going on in the lower grades and to this day, I have no idea who was feeding my kid candy bars and in that quantity. But she was probably outsmarting them like she did me to get them!  And there is a part of me that admires her ingenuity for doing such a damn good job at doing it! At times, there were so many of those candy wrappers, it was like a child addicted to them who needed to go to Snickers Anonymous. 

That fact that someone this small could pull one over on me so many times and create so much material is astounding when you think about it!  Seriously, I was a single mom with a dual degree, well-read and written.  I am outspoken, passionate, driven and headstrong, nothing like her! No way a little twerp like that could get the best of me, but she did, many times!  And through it all, I knew that one day she would grow up and make something of herself. And in spite of the highs and lows of raising her, I am proud to say, she has.  She brought me tears, nights of fears, laughter, heartbreak and some of the best moments of my life. And today, on her birthday, I remember a little girl who changed the world with her wit, charm and uniqueness.  And yes, life was never the same, nor will it ever be, 37 years later. 

Parenting was Your Choice

Too often children are forced to conform. Parents have a preconceived idea of how their kids are supposed to do everything, exactly by the developmental charts.  The pressure begins early for kids to conform and the comparisons with everyone else’s child and individuality is thrown out the window. Parents easily begin the process of having expectations of how children should look, how they should act, and present themselves.  They must be dressed a certain way and they must always be perfectly groomed lest they look unkempt, like children, God forbid.  These lessons tend to stay with children through their teens, and for life as some parents consider it a direct reflection on them if their offspring is not nearly perfect.

Parenting is too often set on some unreachable bar and that goal is then pushed onto kids. Often too it is based on “I am in charge” period and you must obey. In today’s busy world, it can easily be about wanting a child to make a parent’s live easier though the child has needs and didn’t ask to be here. Morality is suddenly not being taught in the home and when not captured, it’s blamed on schools and society as the culprit. Why isn’t this a parent’s responsibility anymore?  Why would a parent want the value system of a teacher to be the basis of their offspring’s value system?  Society’s value system also is up to interpretation in a developing mind. Why should that be a child’s learning tool for morality? Also ignoring your child’s needs and avoiding giving them attention can directly cause  kids to become either hostile or low-self-esteem causing depression and in worst cases suicide.

Children should not have to dress like everyone else. Being able to express oneself by dressing a little bit different is okay. Their benchmark for success should not be defined completely by society. Parents should be familiar with what they excel in, what their passion is, what their weaknesses are and not rely on a teacher conference to learn about their own children. Yet, I have learned many do.  Allowing creativity with your children will instill confidence in a young person, and attention shows they have value.  Nothing takes the place of time and attention from a parent.

Too often, parents think their children that are perfectly well-behaved at home because nothing is array have no issues.  Yet how many parents are truly paying attention?  How many kids are hiding things from their parents?  The ones that seem perfect are the ones that could be the most troublesome away from home, especially if they have literally nothing going on in their lives.  

Be in touch with your children from early on to adulthood. Allow them a leaning post and to let some steam off at home, to vent.  Home should be where the heart is. They should be free to make mistakes at home and be open about what those are to get reinforcement and advice. It can be a cold world. Don’t be a parent that expects the world from your child when the world expects even more.

No one is hardwired perfectly. Parents need to allow their children to be human; home should be a free zone.

Freedom of expression should be taught at home. Abandonment of holding in feelings should be permitted in one’s home with family without fear of retribution.   Naturally this should be done and taught with restraint and respect. There are boundary lines that need to be taught and enforced with children of all ages. This is where boundary lines are taught and set the tone for all relationships to come.

There should be positive reinforcement if someone feels inclined to express themselves creatively, perhaps differently than you, personality be it artistically, in dress, or some other fashion.  Conformity is over-rated. Many of the greatest in history were non-conformist. Allow your child the opportunity to be one. They could go down in history for what they set out to accomplish.  The alternative is a humdrum live full of regret. And resentment over you, the parent, and the one thing that stood in the way.. 

Respect Your Elders is Not Passe

One thing my parents did teach me was to respect my elders. It is important to recognize that people older than you have lived here a lot longer than you and have life experiences you have yet to live through. As such, they are entitled to a degree of respect and debt as they have helped pave the way to your being here, in some small or large way.

I always tried to instill in my children an understanding of this attitude. Whether it was an adult in the neighborhood, a coach, a grandparent or me, have the proper attitude towards them always.  This concept is taught in the home, first and foremost. It needs to extend into school, even those years if and when your child lands up as my children sometimes did, with a teacher who is not kind, not necessarily respectful to all the students they teach and you are not fond of. I taught them to rise up and set your standards not based on other’s standards or how others treat you but on your own value system.  Why lower yourself to someone else’s modest levels? If you are a model of high standards and expectations others tend to follow your lead and if they don’t, it is their loss in the end.

Thus, with my son, in particular, respect was a hallmark of his growing up years. He seldom spoke back to me or his teachers. He could not lie to me very well at all and I think that is because he respected me too much to be dishonest.  He knew I entrusted him enough to give it to me straight. I gave him lead way if he was honest, and so he was.

I recall when his friends would come over in high school, if anyone would tell an off-color joke and I was in the room he would be annoyed. He would let them know that when I was in the vicinity nothing was to be said like that, no cussing, etc. He felt respect was critical around me without me saying a word..”  He was mindful and extremely protective of me and would not let any of his friends, or anyone else for that matter, be disrespectful of me.  If he had to intervene in situations and it was within his power to do so, e.g. an argument with someone, he would.

I knew his transition into the military, whether or not he liked the service, would be seamless because he totally understood the idea of respecting others which is critical there. He always had a sense of personal space and did not invade others without clear nonverbal cues.  He did not betray others trust and maintained others confidentiality. Never would my son break a promise, lie or do something horribly dishonest. If you were a friend, he would support you even if it meant he was going to take some heat.

As his mom, he could care less if it looked unusual to his friends, he was supportive of me. He was a boy and then a man of principle who believed in respecting elders as far back as I can remember. My son was willing to stand up for what was right and just no matter what the consequences were. My daughter believed that too, more so as she aged, crossing the tees.  She realized the world is a far better place to live if we do the right thing.   Perhaps that is why both went into the healthcare profession. They do indeed touch many lives and make those lives better by the work that they both do. I think they respect each and every patient’s lives and in that sense, model behavior that should be followed by others much as they did when they were under my care, my roof.  

In today’s world it is easy to lose the ability to respect others, even those close to you. Priorities change, we age, and we form new relationships over time. But, one thing should always remain at the core of who we are, our commitment to those who made us who we became and those around us who make us better people. If we lose that, we lose a vital part of ourselves.  We lose our self-respect.  Always look in the mirror and be sure you don’t lose yours. With it you have the undying respect of others and without it you run the risk of losing other’s respect you worked hard to create. 

And So She Dances....

And so she dances….

Every grandmother dreams that her granddaughter will have all her dreams come true. Every grandma wants her granddaughter’s life to be picture perfect from start to finish, so it was on Dec. 1^st 2007 with Ava Alysee Glasmeier, my second oldest grandchild, only granddaughter.

She was born perfect, all five toes and fingers on each hand and foot.  She had no health issues at birth, an adorable smile, a perfect shaped head and a loving mommy and daddy. She grew and progressed according to all the norms set by pediatricians all those growth charts new parents go by, and grandparents follow closely too. 

But her little life, with the passage of time, has seen its own little set of challenges but not one has set her back.  She has seen her daddy work very hard to get not one but two dental practices thriving. Two brothers

were born and then diagnosed with autism.  This meant Ava had to be extra loving and caring to both her brothers. It also made her diligently watch her  mommy make more sacrifices than most moms to care for both boys and balance that with a  marriage and her, Ava’s needs. This has not always been easy, not on any of them, but no one complains in the household and they fully embrace their lifestyle and each other. 

All through this there remains this happy good natured little girl just as perfect in Grandma’s eyes as can be. Never has she varied from the little newborn, the toddler and the now second-grader that is smiling, cracking me up with personality plus.

When Ava first went into school and she found she had a few challenges there.  She approached each with spirit and fiestiness and her can do

attitude just like she does everything else in her life.  Not much gets my granddaughter down in the dumps, not for long anyways.  She is too up on life, if there is such a thing as being too positive!    Her spirit soars, Ava makes lemonade somehow without lemons.    

When her mother put her in dance classes, she laughed with excitement. As soon as Ava could walk it seems she was twirling, bypassing walking to dancing. I can still hear her mom asking to stop dancing all around the house!  Actually Ava danced anywhere, she did not care who was around.  She was the little girl with free abandonment, with her movement and her ability to let you know what she was thinking. So refreshing in a world full of repression where families forbid each other to say what their feelings truly are and people criticize each other for not saying “the right thing.”  Ava is being raised to speak her mind, respectfully and being allowed to be herself at all times, uniquely her.

It is amazing how someone so young can feel so free from the world’s

critical eyes.   This young girl could care less what you think of her dancing, of her family too. She loves them dearly, loves dancing and enjoys life.  She doesn’t want what others have; she is satisfied with what God has given her. This young girl can care less what others think and dance. 

Too often people don’t listen to children.  Too often adults think children are expendable and that they are the teachers, they impart knowledge to children.  It is often times forgotten there is a child in all of us and we lose touch with that innocence we once had, that ability to dream, to be free and yes, to even dance. Being with Ava is a lesson in letting go, in being grateful for what you have and in living passionately without caring what others think. 

With a love of being free to express her inner spirit and fire, yes my granddaughter loves to dance.  She likes moving her body and does it well. Ava is unlike most people I know, children or adults. She has no fear or concern whether her dancing is the best or perfect. She does the best she can do and that pleases her.  Her love and passion is what matters when she steps on the stage. She is doing something fun, that makes her smile and gives her joy.  The lesson in life she can teach us all is life live with choices that give you that, joy, smiles and laughter. Don’t worry what others think, let them wallow in their own worries, you concentrate on your passion, your dance in life.   

My granddaughter roots others on with a sincerity I seldom see in others. Most little girls are jealous of other people that dance better and watch with sorta of a nasty undertone of envy. Not my Ava, she watches with song in her heart and pure adoration.  Yes, she acts proud of their accomplishments. She says to me “Grandma watch how great she is!” with as much glee in her voice as she can muster! She continues to improve and tries to get better but seems to evaluate her progress on herself. 

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder and reality does not exist. We simply try to strive for it though shouldn’t.  Grandparents are given the luxury of sitting back and being permitted to call their grandkids beyond reproach, damn near perfect and thus it is with my dear Ava. My  granddaughter comes pretty darn close.

 Being able to accept others and cheer them on without a thread of jealous is a gift. She has that.  Living your life without being confined by the

judgment of others is a blessing.  This blessing shows that a life may be guided by passion and confidence given by God and family is a hallmark of someone who will succeed in always finding happiness at the end of the road. Having compassion for others innately inside yourself and continually exhibiting it is a true sign of someone who understands actions speak louder than words.   Success means nothing if not shared. My granddaughter, even at her tender age, is truly caring for her two younger brothers already and carries that compassion over to those that she meets that are hurting.  I don’t just believe I know the signs are there, she will set the world on fire.  But I also believe you can.  As long as you are never afraid to close your eyes, throw back your head and dance, nomatter who is watching!

And so she continues to dances, even in the darkness of her bedroom, when no one is watching with the same joy on her face as she has on the stage…..

                                          Images of Ava dancing this year - Click Here

Every Step is a Seed that Can be Sown

I read a story the other day. A woman was very sad and felt despondent. A small boy came up to her

and asked her what was wrong. She said she had a pressing large problem on her mind that had no real solution. He gave her a spyglass and asked her to look through it. She put it up to her eye looking through the proper lens. He yelled at her and said “No, look through the other end.” She said “Why, that makes everything look small?” He said, “Because, that is how God sees our problems.”

When I married my children’s father I was seventeen, just one month shy of turning eighteen. He was twenty-three, a factory worker.  We had next to nothing, moving into a low rent apartment in North College Hill in Cincinnati, Ohio so we were close to his family. All the furniture we had was from his parents and mine. Most of what we had in our kitchen was hand-me downs and yet we got by. 

I was pregnant with my first child and times were quite tough. Another baby followed in 2 ½ years.  Many a nights I looked at my babies in those late night feedings at 2 a.m. talking to them and to God to let them grow up to be rich and successful. I wanted them to have it easier and not have to struggle as hard as their dad and I were and to have more fulfilling lives than we were leading. Making ends meet is a continual stress that wears heavily on every area of your life.

I eventually set my sights on returning to college to get my degree when my daughter was around 4-5 years old, something I had always planned.  In mid-stream, I got divorced, which added additional strain in our world when I sought full custody of my children. Grateful to have been awarded it, I still aspired to be top-notch academically in college, do all I could to help my children reach their full potential in school, and make certain they were not deprived of any opportunities in their childhood, the best I could. Thus, they were to be able to participate in outside activities.  Their life was never to be sacrificed for mine. Thus, my life, their lives too, were chaotic at times. 

Eating out was Taco Bell, getting extras was trips to Big Lots, study time for me was done at soccer practices and after they were bathed and in bed. Many a night I fell asleep downstairs on the floor calling it a night at midnight with my head literally on a textbook.  The alarm went off at 6:00 am. or so to begin the routine all over again.

I had to pick up a part-time job to help with our budget.  We had to give up our beloved dog because there was not enough money to feed him any longer. My kids qualified for the free-lunch program but refused to get it because they were embarrassed so I had to come up with lunch money or pack it so they could eat. 

Unknown to them, I was going without eating many days and dropping weight. It was a hard life, empty cupboards and a refrigerator that was bare more often than not. But we made it, we stretched our food and were resourceful, even they were. My son started learning how to cook to help me out as time was in short supply trying to keep  a house in order, a job, school work and get everyone where they needed to go. All through this, my prayer was that one day, life would get easier for us all.  I hoped that my kids would lead an easier path for their adulthood and their families would have a more prosperous life. 

They both attended a private Catholic high school after being in public schools up to eighth grade.  I remarried, at one point, a  blue-collar worker who made a far greater income than I.  It helped  immensely but when he moved in, there were red flags going off that should have been clear enough this was not a match made in heaven. I foolishly ignored them. 

My income went to all of my kids’ needs and his helped out in so many other respects. The payback for that was huge, he made our lives a living hell. Food was in the cupboard and we went out to eat much more.  For the first time, my son was told he could order anything he wanted off a menu. His eyes lit up like he was dreaming.  Our home though was no longer, when he was in a bad mood, a very calm relaxing nest. 

We had a huge new custom home built that was beautiful. It was unfortunate that none of us cleaned good enough, decorated the way he liked, walked right, talked quietly enough, etc…  So thus began a life full of some good times, cherished moments, great laughs interspersed with the worst memories possible.  Those out-weighed anything pleasant.

I think my children thought his paycheck was paying for everything they had, thus a part of them was grateful to him. The reality was my check was paying for anything to do with them pretty much.   Behind closed doors was many an argument over my ‘indulging’ them, as he saw it.  He would even get their family to chime in and sorta gang up with him. I was repeated accused of spoiling them by giving in to them too much, doting on them too much, and spending too much on them in his eyes.  He grew up with little and saw my spending on them uncalled for and unappreciated.  My take on it was they were my children and I was simply allowing them to keep face with their peers.  Going to a private school, everyone wants to fit in, to some extent. There is a pecking order and my kids deserved to not be on the bottom.  Also, having lived a life with so little, I thought these last few years underfoot in high school I wanted them to have more.  So when I could, I did.

It was a struggle for me to afford it.  My children had to work part-time jobs at a school when most kids didn't.  My children drove cars that most kids only saw at used car lots.  I know that was hard on them but it was the best I could do. I won't ever forget the day I said something about going to Big Lots when one of my son's friends was in the car.    My son told me later to not ever  mention that store again with any of his friends. He was embarrassed if they knew I shopped there. 

When my daughter would pick out clothes, e.g. prom dresses, I had to have her look at prices closely. I couldn't afford any dress on the rack. It was only my paycheck and a small child support check that never went up in amount on either of the children for adjustment from the year of the divorce.  She just thought I was being mean to her because, if over a certain amount, she would have to pay the difference if she wanted it.   She didn't like me not being like the other mothers. She was right. I was not, the money just wasn’t there. I did the best I could but sometimes I could sense they were not thrilled that it wasn't enough. 

I had always wanted to pursue a doctorate in college and continue on. If I had, my career would have gone on the path I dreamed of and our income would have been much more elevated. However, reality bites,  I had two children who needed to be fed and cared for.  I am not complaining but I lived my life doing everything on my own, no massive hand-outs, just like thousands of other single-mothers or remarried women who have children from a previous marriage that their new husbands don't want to fully support. 

 My mother had left my life when I was younger. I was raised by my father and step-mother. I knew, from day one, I was not her child and she never let me forget it.   I did not want to be absent for my children and neglect their needs. I felt continuing education beyond four years in college was too much of a compromise.  So I left school with more of a liberal arts degree moving into jobs with low pay but employed.

Both of my children went on to college after high school with me unable to pay for their college tuition.  I had to pay college loans for ten years, post college. Their father and I had agreed, at our divorce, on a set amount of money to be put aside for college.  When the time came to draw from it, the money was gone, he had drawn from it and used it up.  

They were in the position I was, no parents to pay for their education.  At the last minute some relative did step up and give some assistance, though, which was wonderful! I helped when I could, my son more so,  because I was able to do more, at that time.  My daughter, I did various things, e.g.when her car died, I gave her mine. When her boyfriend broke up and left her with a huge debt,I  helped out. 

No surprise to me, both of my children went on to accomplish their goals! Even with setbacks, they dug in deep and finished.  Past the undergraduate degrees, they went on and pursued graduate degrees and be the ‘somebody’ I wanted them to be and knew they were capable of being.

My son earned his doctorate in Dentistry and my daughter became a Nurse Practioner. Even though their biological father was not involved in their upbringing post-divorce, I instigated a reconnection and they began the bonding process. It was wonderful to see it materialize and even he and I began a new-founded friendship. I was thrilled he was able to reconnect and share in the pride of both their graduations and celebrate their success. 

Both children have formed their families and are able to travel, buy designer label clothes and provide in ways I never could for their families financially.  Often times, before their father died, he and I  have talked about the stark differences in their lives verses ours.  We wonder if they knew just how hard it was for us to truly get by. It is so easy to get caught up when you have so much and not see how much of a sacrifice people made to get you where you are.He remembers, many times, during my other marriage, getting calls from me when things were not going well with either the husband or the children and one or the other wanting something I couldn't afford. He wouldn't help me because he felt if it was beyond my reach, they didn't need it. He felt I overstretched my limits for them. I suppose he is right but I thought it was the right thing to do, give them as much as I could. I sometimes still felt it wasn't enough. 

I wonder what their lives would have been like if I had been married to someone like them, with that occupation, so there wouldn't have been so many nos. Or, if I had not remarried and had been forced to say no most of the time, would that have increased their drive to succeed or have made them more resentful of me and what I couldn't provide?  But I have discovered, as I have aged, things in life happen for a reason. Their drive was probably grounded to some extent in the fact that they too endured the struggle. They saw me sit at the kitchen table studying. They knew I valued education. They heard me sweat over grades, nervous over bills and worry over jobs. There were nights when my son literally quizzed me for tests I had in college on material he had no idea what the material was  about.  Perhaps it helped him in later years in school, one never knows.  In the dark recesses of their mind, they know I worked hard.  

I have heard them make jokes about how little they had growing up or cheap things they had as if it wasn’t enough.  It may be said in jest but like any mom, it hurts.  We put our heart and soul into our job and for some of us, it doesn't come easy, for me it did not come naturally either.  I feel like if it weren't for me, they would not be here, have had the chance to pursue their dreams or possibly have the drive.  I had a mother who left me, there wasn’t really a great role model to pattern my behavior off of.  I was somewhat winging it as a biological mother to her children doing the best I could do raising my children with a step-parent/father most of the time or alone.

I live at peace now as my grandchildren get taken far better places and live in loving homes.  I remember my grandmother saying if sacrifice means your children have it better and your grandchildren can prosper, it is all worth it. Grandma was right.

My grandmother never lost the respect of her children for being poor. Her grandchildren never lost it either for her or grandpa being poor either. With my children, it is hard to say, it is a different time and place.  I miss the richness and closeness we had when we were poor . Ironic, isn’t it, that now that they have so much richness, the relationship feels poorer.  Perhaps with the divide in our wealth and their success, they see me differently and yet I am still the same. I am the one constant in their live whether in it central or not.

 I have the peace and knowledge in my heart that I, like my grandmother provided the love, the education and the strength of character to help get them where they are and to help get them where they are going and that, simply said, is enough. Their success is my joy and my peace. That is my legacy.

I challenge you, in 2016, if you never thought about it before, create yours. Now is the time as tomorrow may never come. Be sure you are leaving your mark on the world. Those around you may not appreciate it but God, planting a seed is important. One never knows when or where it will grow. 

Parents are the Model

I became a parent at a very young age, eighteen infact for my first child. I had my next child, my only other one, just two and a half years later, giving birth a few months after turning twenty-one.  While friends from high school were off attending college, I had two in diapers and was a stay at home mom. To make it even more isolating, I lived in a city far away from where I grew up and was too young for neighbors in the apartment complex to really want to befriend me. Thus, I put a lot of energy always into the relationship with both of my children.

One thing I noticed early on with both of my children is they mirrored quite a bit of what they saw of me.  I felt it was unfair to expect them to do something I myself did not do anyways though. I eat healthy, so as children they were introduced and made to eat food from all food groups.  They were not allowed to simply eat junk food or whatever they pleased. If that was their goal, they went hungry.  They both quickly learned sweets were not going to be the only source of food. This lesson was learned much better by my son who, to this day, eats very little sweets! 

When my daughter was born, the second child, and was diagnosed with asthma, it gave me the ammunition to put my foot down and insist my husband quit entirely his smoking cigarettes in the house and in the car. I think it is hypocritical to tell children it is unhealthy to smoke and then smoke around them.   Dueling messages are confusing, especially at young ages. Children can’t comprehend which is right and wrong and are looking to their parents for direction.  They should not be put in a position where they have to choose sides either.   

Today, in schools, children are reading at a much quicker pace than ever before.  The bad news is that there are more children with special needs than ever before and most of these children have language issues which include reading.  My children were read to daily, encouraged, even prior to reading, to look through books.  I have been an avid reader all of my life and, at this time in my life, though time was limited, I still read some. I made certain my children knew reading is a lifetime habit for me. This is not something that, we hit a certain age, and we simply stop doing.  As they got older I told them that it enriches the mind and keeps our reading skills sharp.  That might not stick but the seed was planted.

When my children got into sports, I was working out also, exercising regularly, playing tennis with friends and even progressed into coaching children’s sports.  Dropping children off at practices and games simply says that the parent is keeping them busy. Staying there from time to time shows an active interest.  This shows a parent how they are spending their time there, giving a firsthand view of what is being accomplished, how they are being coached and an opportunity to reinforce those efforts at home.  Your child may not be the star player, most aren’t.  He or she can still benefit from team play from hearing from a parent that their efforts are not going unnoticed by you.  Telling a child that their discipline is preparing them for the future and that dedication is what makes people successful is awesome affirmation for a child to play sports or any extracurricular activity.  You also participating in some other hobby likewise shows them that what they do is something that should be a lifetime goal.  For mental and physical health, these activities matter for us all, we need balance.

I had to wait to go back to college as a non-traditional aged student. Hence, while my children were doing homework, I was helping them with homework, proofing their work and then doing my studies.  They saw this. My children witnessed me working from home as an assistant book publisher during my college years.  I was a single mother, having divorced their father by this time and raising them on my own. At some point in the evening, when we weren’t on the run to practices or games, I would transition to my coursework. 

The usual routine was they did their homework first and I studied while they did theirs. I checked theirs, took care of their needs, put them to bed and then finished mine. When my son was old enough, he would quiz me when I had tests coming up.  There were times when he had no idea what he was asking me as I would make up tests for him to quiz me but he would play along.  It became a learning lesson for him because he learned some of my material from quizzing me and he was quite bright to begin with! These evenings taught my children the value of a good education at any age.

We struggled financially.  It was not easy to find ways to make ends meet. My children were aware of it and I made sure they had the majority of what they wanted and needed. They both got to go to a private Catholic high school, my son by choice.  I put my daughter there, and that was not entirely by choice but it seemed the best place for her to be at the time.  I still believe, my pursuit of my education led to them both setting high educational goals for themselves.

My son and daughter both have gone on to get educations past Bachelor degrees.  My son lives closer  to me so it is easier to attest to his behaviors with his wife and children.   I see many similarities with him and myself.  I see someone who enjoys interacting with his children and supports their extracurricular activities exactly how I was.  His wife tells me he never waivers in his support.  He has sat at soccer games where his son simply runs after the crowd of kickers.  He sits and cheers for his daughter at dance recitals being the dutiful dad taping her dances and rushing the stage with roses.  He has taken his other son to horseback lessons encouraging him to hold on to a huge horse and that he, the little 4 year old, will be just fine!  

I recall attending both of my son’s graduation, first for his undergrad and then for his PhD.  Both times I recall hearing him say that he would never read again.  That stuck about 3 months.  To this day, my son is constantly reading updates on his field, publications, online articles, attending seminars, and reading other materials. Yes, that drive of reading is still there. His amazing ability to write he had in school, occasionally, when he has the need to write, it is still as strong as ever, he just seldom has time to tap into it. 

All of this to say, my son and I have an extremely close relationship all of his life.  Our bond has always been more of one that was unspoken.  He has always watched me, from the time he was a little guy.  He was always the lover of the two kids though and never questioned me on anything. But what he did too was observe.  And what he taught me was this, children learn from what you do, how you live, your example.  It is very similar to how a leader leads by example. 

Parenting is best done by being what you want your child to be. Being honest, being fair, being truthful about where you have made errors. It is about stressing education, having laughter in your home, teaching morality, accountability and understanding what the word love really means, in the Christian sense.  Parents need to show children how to apply intelligence to life, how to have self-discipline, and how to admit they have a problem and when they have one how and where to seek help and get it when they need it. Getting help is not a weakness, having a problem and not doing anything about it is.  Above all, loving God and letting your children and spouse know you love them is key.  This is done not just in words but in deeds. 

Indeed, this is a hard job.  Sign up only for the serious minded!

Parents, Stay Focused!

 The Focus is the child, not you, or they'll be blue!

I am always amazed at parents’ attitude towards sports and activities with their children. The parents that seem the most concerned try to find something that lights a spark in their kids to keep them busy and engaged.  They see the value in being involved, goal setting, and building up a skill set, a talent or at least trying. 

But there are also the parents that say they have this same attitude, but when it comes game time or competition time, the line becomes blurred between who is really performing, the child or themselves. The parent on the sidelines, in the audience, or coaching seems to take every negative call or point as a personal assault on their character and feels they must rush to their defense. Notice I say they take it to heart, reacting emotionally more at a gut level than in the best interests of their child. 

When this type of reaction happens, it sets such a wonderful example to children much like

the Bernstein bears books of how not to act.   The following should be treated with respect, in this order; referees, coaches, and children.  There is no fine line, it is a firm line.  If a parent can’t withhold their temper, their profanity, for example, they should either refrain from coming to events or be banned from entrance to any.   The behavior is an embarrassment to a child, and offsets the lesson of fair play and building self-esteem and learning how to have self-control.  

As I have gotten older, I see this trend has continued but just like when my children played, it is the minority that are obnoxious.   Most are like the parents in my family, thus making me so proud of them and their children.   In our circle of family, we have children that are excelling in their age group in many fields.  There is a wrestler, a gymnast, a swimmer; basketball player, football player, dancer, singer, and those are just the ones that come to mind.  The age range is from 7 years old all the way to 17.  In fact, the youngest one just started a tumbling class at age 2! 

All these parents have one thing in common; they want to keep their children happy, healthy and learning about life through activities beyond academics.  There isn't a desire to relive their youth through their children either. Thus the pressure is not there for their kids to perform at a bench mark their parents are placing over their heads.  This lets the coach establish the bar, their peers, and with most of these children in our family, themselves. Confident children do that, set goals for themselves, because they are more certain they can reach them. They all seem to have a passion to thrive in what they invest time in so approach it accordingly.  As Jack the swimmer told me, “Every time I dive in, I swim with everything I have regardless of what anyone else in the pool is doing.”  

I believe all of them are gaining a maturity and self-esteem in the way they are spending their time, especially in the conditioning aspect.  None of them seem to think they are invincible and they all seem to be okay with it. What a fantastic way to approach life as a

child.   Parents that push children beyond their limits break their spirits and then they are doomed to fail.  This becomes an internal tape in their head, this negative thinking, that plays later in life. It will be a self-fulfilling prophesy for many.

When you see a child attempting a sport or other outside activity, whether they are the star or not, remember, everyone’s role is important, just like in a company.   We all are interdependent and can make a contribution and learn off each other.  Reinforce their efforts, not what they do but what they try to do and how they do it.    Your words of encouragement can and will need be the fuel for the future. What you say may play on their internal tape, their mental dialogue.  Make it be a resounding message of faith and reassurance.  Everyone wins when a child is built up to believe in themselves.  You will feel rewarded too! 

You Can Do It!

When my kids were little, I used to tell them , they could be whatever they wanted to be. My son’s first dream was to be a garbage man. Bright and early, once a week, at the crack of dawn, he would be up and waiting at the window for the  garbage truck to come down the street. When they did, out the door he would run, screaming with glee.  He would wait anxiously at the curb for them to arrive.  They would greet him with a smile, knowing he would be there, week to week.    These were the days when strange men smiling at your kids did not send parents in to panic!  

He would watch them take our trash and be so excited to see them compress it. I think they did it, whether it needed it or not just to see his little face light up. He would follow along as they did several neighbor’s houses too, walking along side of the truck as the men talked to him along the way.   When they got past the block, he would trot along back home. They the real work began for him. 

In our house, he would begin pulling garage out of our trash cans and tearing it into small pieces and creating piles in our house.   He would spread these piles about the house. Then he would get his caravan of toy garbage trucks and begin his process of picking up all the trash.   As he diligently pushed them around the floors  and pick up each stack of trash, one by one,   I held back my annoyance with these piles because it was so cute to see his passion at work. Luckily too, he settled for making piles out of paper scraps!

My son went from this dream to wanting to be a pilot by middle school. When that phase hit full force, I researched on the internet to find the best schools to attend. I found one in Florida and requested materials about how to get admitted. My son and I both got familiar with the requirements.  I was excited at the thought of having a pilot in the family. That was until he decided he wanted to be a sports medicine doctor. And so it goes. … Note to self, kids frequently change their minds!

I believe in dreaming. I believe in trying making dreams come true. To do so often requires putting an  action plan together.  We must encourage our children and friends and those around us to discover what is their dream, their calling and go after it.  Tomorrow may be too late.   

This came to mind this past weekend as I watched my grand-daughter at her first soccer game. To say she was enthused to be there is an overstatement.   I think her interest level being there was right up with having a tooth pulled, getting a shot 

at the doctor or having the flu! 

Her parents gave her the opportunity to play a team sport, one in which requires running. She excels at running and is competitive so it seemed a likely choice.  Her performance at practice has been lacking but the true test was going to be at an actual game. 

Saturday arrived.  The weather was beautiful.   As the kids made their way to the field, my grand-daughter literally clung to her mom’s leg.   When she did make her way to the field, with her mom in tow, she promptly hit the ground playing in the nearest dirt pile.  That was the most action I saw out of her that day at the fields.  

I must say, she was the most striking girl out there though.   She had a fire, a presence and let it be known this was not her cup of tea. Even the least interested spectator could tell my grand-daughter was not partaking of the game soccer any time soon. 

There she stood, when she was not down cross legged in the dirt piles, with with her super long lean legs, big bow that was matched by a just as large brown beautiful eyes and a smile, when she choose to share it. Unfortunately, it only materialized when she was off the field rolling around on her mommy's lap! 

On the sidelines, her parents could not help but smile thinking of the contrast between this, what they saw out on this soccer field and her reaction on the dance floor. She screamed with delight at attending practice, smiled through out her classes and performed so wonderfully.   

It was an easy choice on what is a good investment of their time and their daughter's, bring joy into her life that brings smiles in her world or something that brings discontentment and frustration.  For now, they will give her a little more exposure to soccer to let the newness wear off and see if her attitude changes. If not, they will stick with helping her generate more smiles in her life.  

It is important for parents to cultivate a drive within their children and all others they meet a desire to be all that they want to be, be the best that they individually can be.  We owe that to ourselves, to God. That should be everyone's legacy when we leave this place.  Introduce your children, your friends, strangers, to new things. As new ideas come along, consider trying them out.   

Don't prejudge your children and label them; let them discover themselves by introducing different  skill sets, forms of expression or sports and recreational activities. Allow them to experience all the ways of tapping into themselves. They may have a hidden talent undiscovered!   We all need that feeling of fullness, oneness and success. It is especially true of children, our future leadership. 

Go beyond your comfort zone and expand who you are too. Lead by example  Living on the edge sometimes is a good thing. There may be a new talent you have. If not, have fun trying, being introspective and creating some memories.   

As I made the video below, I took various snapshots and had fun being creative. There are captions of occupations and opportunities we can do with our lives. We can go beyond our comfort zone and expand who we are with the simple stuff in life or the more difficult complex goals. 


There may be a talent in you, yet undiscovered, one you consider unreachable.  Some are serious, some are not so serious, but all captivate the mind.  They  make you think, what else could you be doing with your life?  Perhaps you should redefine yourself or refine who you are?   Now is the time. Why wait? I believe in you!