Post Breast Cancer Folks Like Me

Funny little thing about breast cancer so many don’t want to talk

about, the post-treatment, as in life after cancer. It is, for so many, never quite the same. Some women luck out and it is. Stars and happy shouts to all of you!  But for those of us not too lucky, reality bites.  I write this for those, those that need the support that those that have never walked down the path don’t quite understand.

Long after treatment, no one is asking how you are doing. It is assumed, you beat it, and therefore, you are now doing fine, back to you. Oh, you may have a different outlook on life, maybe live more healthy, and maybe have new boobs or no boobs at all but life is relatively normal. 

Feeling blessed is a given many days, living on the other side of cancer, being a survivor is a nice title. It has an awesome ring to it. However, attached to it, for many women, are long-term side effects that are just not issues women knew they signed up for or ‘expected’ after treatment.  Once it was out of your system, some of us ran for cover.  This was me, heading for the circle of friends that never had cancer to get as far away from the disease as possible. Unfortunately, it is as if the long-term side effects hunted us out of hiding, wrecking a new kind of havoc on our lives. 

Good-bye life without doctor appointments and health worries, and hello feeling like a hypochondriac and kids and friends that look at you like you are a freak of nature.  The multitude of issues varies but support groups show a vast similarity among women survivors.  There is a mixed benefit of sharing in these groups. It aids in understanding and support. And then, on the flipside, it is depressing to hear others suffering more than you. However, I always recommend keeping a few survivors in your circle of support, in your close knit of friends. Without them, you are left with an outside world that does not totally understand life post cancer.

The medical issues that creep up do not always occur immediately afterward, some come in time, and some, such as lymphedema can occur at virtually anytime. There are far too many and I don’t even know them all. Just to list a few though for those that are wondering what could possibly occur with someone medically after cancer treatment: estrogen-related issues due to sudden onset of menopause, bone density issues, neuropathy, chemo brain which can also cause issues with multi-tasking, immune deficiency issues. In my case and a few friends I have since met, we experience extreme chronic migraines. I never had this diagnosis or issue pre-cancer. Make no mistake, we all feel blessed to be here, even on a bitchy day.

Recently I was with a few survivors. One in the group who has been dealing with Stage 4 for many years made an interesting statement. She said she felt sorry for her significant other.  Too much of the care-taking falls on one person, doctor appointments, dealing with her mood swings, etc. making her feel the relationship was very one-sided. She told us her mate would be better off without her.  We all can relate, life isn’t fair and the relationships we have from cancer aren’t either. None of us signed up for cancer or the side effects afterwards. When you are a survivor with continual health issues, just like any chronic illness, it is a drain on a relationship and it takes take a toll.  It is hard, at times, as a survivor, not to feel resentful of a disease that has stolen more than just breast tissue, more than just the months or years of treatment but has altered your life, lifestyle, etc. significantly. For some of us, financially we are never the same. Medical insurance does not cover everything. The same thing is true of the post-cancer issues and many of us find ourselves in a position where we have enough issues we can no longer work.

Emotionally, going through facing death can be one of the biggest wake-up calls many of us face. It will force some women to take a good hard look at their life and initiate changes, first with themselves and then with everyone around them.  Make no mistake, not everyone is going to like these changes but they must be made. Living healthy is important, not just physically but emotionally. Health begins in the head and then settles in the body.   If people walk away from you because you are trying to get it right by God, you must trust your faith in the person that saved you ultimately and let go of the distrust to move forward.

If you are reading this and are one of those survivors frustrated because family or friends are not getting it, your health and emotional dilemmas, post-cancer, know you are not alone. Also, if you have tried to get folks to understand, it may be a fruitless effort. Some of us have cried, wrote letters, and tried everything under the sun to no avail.  

The harder you try the more loony you look!  Wasted energy is energy that could be spent working towards staying healthy, being proactive in warding off disease, one less doctor appointment and building a network of friends and family that are open to understanding the new you, post cancer. What you need in your life is acceptance of who you are now, compromise in your relationships and not settling for unhealthy manners of living, be it physically or emotionally. 

I believe a network of cancer friends is important. I also believe it is important to have a mix of friends that are not. I am blessed to have some dear friends that are not cancer survivors and really do seem to understand my health issues and changes I have gone through emotionally and 100% accept me and support me. If you don’t have that in your relationship, as I use to tell my daughter, dump them. Cancer can return its ugly head at any time and stress increases the odds. Unhealthy relationships have no place in your life anymore. They simply increase the number of doctor appointments on your calendar. 

Please know you are blessed to have survived breast cancer or to be here, still fighting.  Those of us, in that crowd, support you for all the changes you have made and all the continued issues you are dealing with. We have compassion for your sad days, joy over the happy ones and above all, celebrate your life! 

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

As I sat out front in my car, staring at that black door that had changed my life, it was hard to get up the courage to walk back inside. First it was cold out and so nice and warm in my car. Secondly, I knew, stepping out of my car put me one step closer to that black door. And once through it, a haunting memory would come back. One I had avoided looking at for quite some time. But, summoning up inner strength I knew I had, I opened the door and I walked out.

There, that wasn’t so bad. I walked around and approached the door, remembering how it felt like alittle over three years ago to be standing right here, at the same spot, infront of this shop, the same person but feeling so much different. It seemed like a lifetime ago. I opened the door very slowly, then reached out for the inner door knob to go in the offices and once inside, I was immediately greeted by Gale Nowlen, the owner. “Wow, you look great!” I saw down, looked around, breathed deep and then relaxed. Yes, I was back.

The woman Gale was attending to was having her hair trimmed. She looked over at me and sensed something special was going on, something was in the air. She said, looking from Gale to I, “Do you two have a secret or something?” I told her the short version, “Mame, the last time I was in here, she shaved my head. Yep, this lady here shaved off every hair off of my head and had me walk out of here stark bald!” Gale and I laughed as the woman grabbed the top of her head not seeming to find my comments near as humorous as I. Gale intervened explaining that I had begun cancer treatment and was about to lose all of my hair from the drug. I had been advised to have my hair taken off since it was long to avoid the shock of it falling out. I came in like a scared rabbit, intending on having it cut down quite abit. Gale gave me the courage to say “take it all off” and leave it behind, there on the floor of that salon and not look back. I walked back out of that shop, with a scarf tied around my head , standing up straight and saying “One day I will come back to this shop and you will do my hair and next time, it won’t be on the darn floor when I leave!”

I thought of that day many times over the past three years. Not just on the days when I was bald, but on the days when the fuzz starting coming back on my head and I felt like a peach. Then when my hair started picking up a bit of curl I wanted to come back and show Gale how my hair didn’t come back pocker straight and thin and flaunt the fact it was a wee bit nicer. But somehow, even then, I could not bring myself to walk in that door. It was as if, walking in there, was facing demons, facing one of the real ugly parts of having cancer I did not want to look at eye to eye. And then as it grew and I colored it and cut it, it was easier to push that memory way back and give up that darn idea of going back to that shop. What did it matter now anyways?

On Wednesday of this week, I was at a luncheon with a group of cancer survivors. I had just got done saying to someone I needed to find a new hair dresser. A mutual friend walked in the tea house we were at and came over to join us. She overhead my question and told me of a wonderful lady that does her hair and is fabulous. She even knew this stylist was a cancer survivor herself so was very compassionate. The name of her shop was All About Changes and she owned the shop. As she said the stylist’s name, I instantly recognized it. My mouth dropped open; it seemed like a sign that I was supposed to go there. My friend gave me the number to the shop and told me to call her. The next day, after putting it off, I finally did, half hoping she wouldn’t answer. But she did answer and there I was, on the phone and wondering what are the odds of her remembering me? I recanted some of who I was and she pretty quickly said, “Oh, I remember you, you were Italian and had long dark hair and I talked you into just having it all shaved off. “

Today, I walked in there. Today, she saw that my hair has returned. Today, she told me that my hair is as beautiful as ever. Today that floor was not covered with my hair when I left. Today I left with my head of hair held high. Today, before I left, she was crying because she told me the saddest day in her cancer battle was the day she lost her hair. See when Gale shaves someone’s head for cancer, she does it for free, as a way of giving back to others and it forces her to relive one of the saddest moments in her life. And she does so willingly for others. She did that for me, over three years ago. We shared a bond in that moment, one that needs no words.

Shaving a head is hard for a cancer patient, no matter what your occupation. But being a stylist and having a client come back to your shop to say thank you for shaving my head with so much compassion when I thought my world was caving in made her feel wonderful and she should. I will always be grateful for the part she played in my recovery. And to think I gave her such added joy by simply walking back in there and saying, please style my hair,well that made us both smile. Yes, today there was hardly any hair on the floor, there were only tears of joy and thanksgiving to flow and a sense we will continue to see each other as survivors. Ah, I have come to love that word! Oh, and yes, the feel of my hands and fingers running through my hair. No such thing as a bad hair day once you have had no hair! Today, Gale and I experienced some healing. Perhaps it is fitting that her shop then is called All About Change.

Thank you Lord for every strand of hair on my head! >